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How to Recover From A Narcissistic Relationship

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About 1-3% of the population are psychopathic. About 1% have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. When a psychopath or narcissist attaches themselves to you, it’s almost certainly going to end in heartbreak, abuse, isolation and total destruction of your life. While this group of people is only a tiny fraction of the total population, they do most of the damage in society. Before long, one will come into your life. You won’t see them coming, but you’ll realise something is wrong pretty soon. In this video, we explore how to identify narcissists and avoid them, and – if they’ve already come into your life – how to escape and recover from their influence. For more on how to become confident enough to repel narcissists, contact Dan at dan@brojo.org

 


 

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Full transcript (unedited)

oday we’re going to be talking about how to survive. a narcissist. narcissists are everywhere, there’s not a lot of them, but they do a lot of damage. And I want to talk about how to prevent them from ruining your life either in a relationship or a friendship, or even a business connection. And if you’re already with one, or you’ve just finished with one and you’re looking to recover from there, we’re going to talk about that too. Let’s start by defining narcissism and excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one’s physical appearance. What I’m more interested in is the second definition under psychology, selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration as characterizing a personality type. That’s the kind of person we’re talking about today. I want to start by sharing a story from one of my clients whom I’ll keep anonymous, he was falsely accused of sexual assault by his ex partner. Now she is a classic narcissist. Essentially what she did is drew him in to a very tumultuous and emotionally destructive relationship. Then when he ended it, she punished him by making these accusations and turning all of his friends against him. This is classic narcissist behavior, draw you in, ruin you and ruin everything around you, and then leave you hung out to dry. Let’s begin by having a look at some of the early warning signs so that you might be able to prevent them from coming into your life. Before anything too devastating happens. The first warning sign unfortunately, as you’re probably not going to see them coming on. And the main messages I want to get across today is that there’s no shame in being conned by a narcissist, they are simply better at manipulating than you could possibly imagine. And given enough time, everybody’s going to fall victim to one at one time or another. It all just depends on how deep they get on and how much damage they do. So don’t worry too much that you didn’t see it coming because nobody can see them coming the first time. That being said, there are some warning signs that you should pay attention to, especially at the beginning, because you’ll have a lot of pleasurable emotions at the start. infatuation. If you’re both really infatuated with each other or appears, so it’s too good to be true. That’s just a general warning sign for any kind of relationship. It’s not a bad thing. It just means tread carefully, because your judgment is not going to be very rational, emotional games, somebody playing hard to get going hot and cold, toying with your emotions making you develop that obsession for them through gameplay and manipulation and temperature changes. That’s a huge warning sign that somebody is already starting to fuck with you bad reputation, especially if you have contact with people who are or used to be close with them. And they’ve got nothing but devastatingly bad things to say. Sometimes there’s just gossip, it all depends on the context and the situation. But if someone’s getting a lot of bad reviews from people who are no longer with them that used to be in the past, it’s kind of worth listening to gossip and backstabbing. As we’ll talk about in a minute. narcissists are classic for splitting people away from each other. And they do this mostly with talking. So if you find you’re with someone, and a large percentage of the conversation is hidden whispers about other people, usually in the negative. And that’s a big warning sign that they’re trying to give you an impression of other people that will separate you from those other people. If they’re doing it with you, then they’re probably doing it to you as well. grandiosity. Classic psychopath trait and many narcissists are psychopaths and vice versa. grandiosity is somebody who seems to be overly sure of themselves overly confident, have a very, very high view of themselves, usually with a comparatively low view of other people. So this isn’t normal confidence in terms of someone just loving themselves. This is actually somebody thinks of themselves as better than other people. So they’re often bragging and boasting and telling stories that give the impression that they’re just awesome all the time. This can also be demonstrated by behavior showboating, dominant self centeredness, anything with a person seems to take up attention and space and become this kind of center of gravitational pull in a social situation. They always seem to draw everybody to them. narcissist at first are often very popular and very compelling. And they gain a lot of attention quite easily. Now, that doesn’t mean everyone who’s very popular is a narcissist. It just means that somebody seems to draw people in with big performances and grandiosity and diva like personality is just a warning sign. A really big warning sign is lack of empathy is the classic psychopath tell if the person is either unable to develop or show sympathy and empathy for other people if they can watch some on pain and they find that funny, or they can cause pain ruthlessly, and seem to be unaffected emotionally by that, or they seem to fake their sympathy and empathy. They seem to be trying hard to look like they care about other people without really understanding what caring means. That’s a massive warning sign, especially when it comes to getting into a long term relationship with somebody. And a big one that’s a little more subtle to notice is hedonism, a kind of highs based lifestyle, where everything is about instant gratification and feeling good right now. Also, drug use risk taking behavior, extreme behavior, socially, anything that gives them the high if you find someone’s consistently like this, and they easily bored, the constant trying to seek attention seeker. Hi, they may have some narcissistic traits. So that’s how you can see one coming. Unfortunately, most of their stuffs probably going to go right past your radar because the whole time they’re going to be manipulating you to not notice the dark side. So now let’s talk about the more likely scenario, what do you do if you’ve already got one in your life? First, let’s talk about how to know that you do have one in your life. Number one is a narcissist will generally try to separate people from each other and attach that person to themselves. So if you notice yourself getting drawn in to somebody was isolated from others, even though it doesn’t seem to be caused by their person, they may even seem to be your own personal choice. You’re abandoning friends, family, spending all your time with one person that you’re becoming evermore obsessed with, and seeming to be cut off from others, especially if you’re with someone who talks badly about the others in your life. That’s a big warning sign. When I came to work in Department of Corrections, I learned quickly when it comes to managing manipulation, you need to listen to your emotions. How you feel actually gives you some really truthful information about people, especially once you’ve known them for quite a while. If someone you’re with keeps giving you this emotional nightmare of highs and lows, confusion, clarity, stress, peacefulness going up and down, up and down. You never really know where you are with somebody, you’re constantly having these wild emotions in the presence or absence of their presence, they kind of cause you to be thinking about them all the time and feeling strongly about them all the time. That’s a classic sign that you’re being manipulated. One of the worst ones and this came up from my client is when you start to doubt your own sanity, talking to this person seems like they’re always right about what’s real, and you’re always wrong, or maybe not always, but you get the sense that their view of reality keeps dominating yours, you start to doubt your own memories, you start to doubt your perceptions, you start to doubt your values, you start to doubt what you used to think was right and wrong. If you’re starting to have doubts about things have obvious of yourself, that you were once very certain of. Either you’re with someone who’s educating you, or more likely you’re being gaslighted as it’s known, you’re being caused to lose track of reality, so that somebody else’s reality can be inserted into your world breaches of values, Perhaps you’ve noticed yourself starting to do things that you’re not proud of, because of this person, things you wouldn’t usually do. manipulators tend to get people to cross their own boundaries, so that their their their sense of self becomes blurred. Once you stop being the person you thought you were, you can be manipulated into being something else. Because there’s a very obvious one of being abused or used, where you can definitely see behavior where you’re treated very badly, where you’re disrespected, where you’re used for a resource and then thrown away like a piece of garbage, or where you’re hit, yelled at and assaulted, psychologically, emotionally, or physically abused. This doesn’t happen in healthy relationships, you might have lost track of that. Or you might never have known that. People who are with narcissists tend to attract narcissists, they tend to get all the bad ones because of their own confidence issues. But know that if you’re feeling abused in a relationship, there’s almost zero chance that that’s a healthy relationship. And there’s a very high chance that you’re with a manipulative or narcissistic person, you may feel an encroaching addiction to the person one hand, you know, they’re bad for you. Other people say they’re bad for you everything that your life is going down the fucking toilet because of this person. And yet you’re just can’t give them up. It’s just too good. So you just oscillate and now you’re actually upset with yourself for being unable to walk away from this person. Again, you’re never going to have that and a healthy connection. So let’s talk about what you can do if you’ve somehow managed to become entangled or ensnared with a narcissist.

I can’t put this simply enough, and this comes from years of working with the worst psychopaths and narcissist in the criminal justice system. There’s only one thing to do if you’re with one. Get the fuck out of there. Pack up your shit. Cut all calm to block all forms of communication, run and hide their the step number one, think of them like a Ebola virus carrier, okay, you can’t have any touch with them any contact with them and you’ll be infected all over again. Or think of them like the sun in the middle of the universe with this powerful gravitational pull. If you get even near them, you’ll get sucked all the way back in, you need to get the fuck away from them so that you can recover. You can heal your psychology rebuild your confidence, before you get anywhere near someone who can get inside you that deeply carrying on with the Ebola analogy, other people in their life will also be infected by them. So unfortunately, you’re gonna have to cut contact with them as well. This might mean losing old friends or losing touch with family for a short period of time. Because the worst narcissists, what they’ll do if you’re their main target, there’ll be gold to everybody else, you’ll be the only victim and will look like you’re the crazy one, and they’ll turn everyone against you. And the trouble is, if they’re infected by this disease, if you go near them, you’re going to get sick again as well. The worst news about this is if a narcissist is burrow deep into your life, and got their tendrils into everything, you might have to totally up sticks and start a game from scratch. I know that’s hard to hear. But that’s the truth. You just got to get out of this sick Ebola virus system. Once you’ve rebuilt your confidence rebuilt your psychology you will be able to come back and reform relationships call it the good news. manipulative people like this. They are self destructive, so only be a matter of time before everybody else in their affected little circle learns the truth like you’d have. So they might not believe you now, but 510 years down the track, they’re going to come back and say, Oh my God, you’re right. Maybe they never will. But if the Nasus is a true narcissist, they end up crushing everybody that comes into contact with them. They don’t play favorites for very long. The hardest part about recovery is acceptance, coming to terms with the fact that they got you and they got you good. One of the biggest barriers to recovery from a narcissist is actually a kind of pride, this idea that there was nothing wrong with them, you just fell for it, that you are somehow weaker or less intelligent than you once thought. The truth is, they’re like the Ebola virus, no matter how healthy you are, they can infect you. narcissists are so much more cunning and psychologically intelligent than most people. Okay, so you can be really intelligent, really smart and still get absolutely done by a narcissist. In fact, when it comes to manipulation, the easiest victim is somebody thinks they cannot be manipulated. So lesson number one from your experience with a narcissist, yes, you can be manipulated, and you’re going to have to watch out for that for the rest of your life. Treat your time with a narcissist like trauma, like major surgery that you need to recover from, you’re going to have to be very kind and gentle with yourself for an extended period of time. While you get over the damage that they’ve done to you. You have to accept the fact that yes, they have damaged you. They got in and they wrecked everything. And now it’s time to rebuild slowly caring for yourself and undoing the damage they did to your confidence. Learn a lesson but don’t allow yourself to become embittered and resentful. Only a very small percentage of the human race are narcissistic or psychopathic. They just happen to do a lot of damage and touch a lot of people’s lives. So it looks like there’s lots of them. But actually you are able to have healthy loving connections with most people. First, you’re just going to have to do the work on yourself. That a prevents narcissists from getting in deep and B makes you less attracted to narcissists. I don’t want to blame you for a narcissist coming into your life because they can grab hold of anyone and ruin anyone’s lives. But they do tend to choose victims who have low self confidence. So your number one lesson from this is how do I build my confidence so that I’m attractive to confident people and not narcissists. Don’t blame yourself and don’t blame the human race for being bad. But learn the lesson. Why was I chosen? Why was I vulnerable? What were they able to use in me? What neediness or secrets were they able to leverage to make me a vulnerable victim? There is one type of person who is immune to the charms of a narcissist. And that is someone who’s highly confident with high integrity and lives by their values. Somebody who does not need anything from anyone else. You want to make sure this never happens again, you need to learn what your values are. You need to learn what it means to have integrity to be confident without the approval of others so that nobody else can get in and provide for your needs in a way that you can’t do yourself. You can still have relationships and depend on people and trust people, but make sure you’re somebody who doesn’t need people. And there is a long term piece of work. If you’re ready to do that long term piece of work please get in touch Dan@brojo.co.nz and I can either coach you or put you on to some resources that you can do some self development on your own, around managing manipulation, living by your values and building integrity so that you’re not vulnerable to these type of people in the future. Thank you so much for listening. Please subscribe and share this around helped me build my audience. If you like this, of course, and to also put out the message out there, let people know that there are narcissists out there that anybody can be entrapped by one, there’s no shame in recognizing it, and escaping from it, and recovering from it. Thank you guys so much. Once again. I’ll see you all next time. And don’t forget to comment below with your opinions.

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