Inspired by the recent Baby Reindeer series on Netflix, I’ve been considering the idea that many people love to hate themselves.

While this hatred might not manifest directly as the thought “I hate myself”, it is apparent in the destructive, self-sabotaging and self-harming behaviour that many people frequently engage in.

How does it look from the outside?

If you were to take how you talk to yourself and generally treat yourself, and then imagine doing that to someone else, what would it look like? Would you consider it to be more like love or like hate?

One thing I often notice when working with my coaching clients is how monstrously unfair they are in their self-judgment.

They highlight, emphasize, and exaggerate their flaws, weaknesses, and failures, while dismissing, forgetting, or undermining their strengths, value, and successes. They resist compliments from others while dwelling excessively on criticisms, even from completely invalid sources. If you gave your son feedback in this manner, we’d call it child abuse.

And then of course, sometimes they have good reasons to be negative in their self-judgment.

They procrastinate on important tasks. They fill their bodies and mind with junk. They sabotage relationships. They deliberately avoid and ignore healthy opportunities. They don’t finish what they start. They take the path of cowardice. If you treated your friend this way (i.e. interfered with or manipulated them to create negative outcomes), we’d call it bullying.

Through a combination of cruel judgment and harmful behaviours, people create a self that they love to hate.

Love to hate?

“Love to hate?” you ask. “Are you sure? Is this some sort of deliberate process whereby a person actually chooses a worse life than they’re capable of? That makes no sense!”

Doesn’t it…?

I once did a podcast about what I call the Loser Identity, where I illustrated the problem of becoming attached to your identity even if it’s harmful, and actually fighting to maintain it when you could easily improve and enjoy a better life.

I have witnessed evidence in both myself and my hundreds of clients that people will actively maintain an unhealthy, painful, and miserable life even though they don’t have to because they possess the ability to solve their problems and break their bad patterns.

It’s like they want to hurt!

Conditioning

It starts in childhood (that’s where it all starts, right?).

Children are conditioned to believe they’re “bad” and programmed to punish themselves whenever they aren’t “good” by the standards of whatever authority most effects them, be it parents, teachers, or peers.

You know that feeling as a kid where you were waiting for punishment, and it was kind of a relief when it finally came? Can you see how that might lead to someone seeking punishment to end their suffering?

Over time, this becomes their comfort zone – or more accurately, their familiar zone.

Fucking things up and then getting punished for it becomes a pattern they are familiar with, like in the case of Stockholm Syndrome where hostages fall in love with their captors due to codependency. Children end up trying to recreate this pattern of failure and punishment throughout their lives.

Wellbeing is NOT your priority!

To understand this, you have to let go of the belief that every person’s default is to prioritize their wellbeing and is try to make their lives better. There’s really no evidence to support this idea.

There is, however, plenty of evidence to support the idea that a person’s primary agenda is to keep things familiar.

Notice the pattern where you suddenly lose motivation to stick with something new just as you were starting to make progress. Notice how you have the courage to do what matters, but you don’t consistently apply this courage, and it only comes out when you’re desperate or enraged. Notice how reading this article means you must be doing reasonably well overall in life (i.e. you’re not dying in a gutter somewhere), and yet you mostly remember your “failures” as if you don’t do well very often.

You have the power to create a better life, and yet you choose not to use it. If anything, you actively fight against it by being mean to yourself and sabotaging your progress.

When you finally come to accept that a person would rather keep something the same even if it sucks than endure a change that requires pain, discomfort, and unfamiliarity, you can start to unravel the mystery of people loving to hate themselves.

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The Masochistic Addiction

When I say “You love to hate yourself” what I mean is: you are addicted to maintaining a negative self-image because it’s familiar and understood.

You’re scared of embracing your power; of being fair in your self-measurement and disciplined with your behaviour. You’re uncomfortable with the idea of liking the person you see in the mirror, of cheering yourself on as you struggle, of being kind to yourself after an attempt, of enjoying life.

And yet, some part of you does want change!

You succeed and make progress slowly in spite of these barriers. You do keep trying to improve your life. You feel committed to making positive changes.

It’s a raging battle. Part of you wants to enjoy life, another part of you wants to stay as you were in childhood, and they are at war.

So the question becomes,

How can you win this war?

First, you must accept what I’ve written here – that you deliberately harm yourself on a daily basis with your self-talk and self-measurement, and you deliberately slow your progress with sabotage. You must accept that this isn’t bad luck or unfairness or lack of ability, it’s just you hurting YOU.

Once you’ve accepted that, you must now look for the evidence of your strengths. See how far you’ve come since childhood, how much you’ve developed and learned, and the progress you’ve made in spite of feeling fucking awful about yourself a majority of the time.

You have two majorly uncomfortable changes to make to win this way.

One: measure yourself fairly and accurately according to your core values.

Objectively review what you did each day and compare that with your values. Notice I say “What you DID” not what you thought or felt. You only measure action, nothing else. I don’t care if you had negative thoughts or you felt nervous – what did you actually DO?

Notice how you’re on track most of the time. And when you’re not, there’s no need to punish yourself – just fix it asap.

Two: push yourself to act in accordance with your values even when it’s uncomfortable.

Have a list of your values on hand at all times. Slow down prior to making a decision and think about what the most honorable thing to do right now. If it seems too hard, make it smaller and easier until you can actually do it.

Catch and correct yourself immediately as soon as you notice any sabotaging behaviour. Refuse to indulge in long patterns of self-abuse.

You don’t need to feel like doing this stuff, just fucking do it. Earn your self-respect. Take responsibility for your decisions. Break your patterns. Be relentless in getting back up each time you fall. Stop unfair criticisms from your mind instead of indulging them, and refocus on your actions every time you need to.

This is the work that needs to be done.

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Looking forward to speaking with you,
Dan Munro

💬 What Clients Say About Dan Munro Coaching

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ James K., CFO

“I actually believe women can be attracted to me now and I no longer see women as on a pedestal. I had created excuses in many areas of my life to keep me from changing to the person that is more successful. I am a happier person now. I actually feel confident that I will be able to achieve my most important goals whereas before I was almost resigned to never being in a relationship and had accepted that maybe it’s just not for me.”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Simon C., Insurance Analyst

“I was having a problem with self-confidence which was ruining my life. I felt confused, desperate, and was losing hope. Dan helped me rediscover my core values and I have started to build a life I truly want to live. I found the courage to take a risk with exploring a new career path. After a lifetime of being chronically single, I’ve connected deeply with a high-quality woman to create a real relationship for the first time in my life! I wouldn’t trade places with anyone else in the world and for the first time ever I like being me.”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ James P., Life Coach

“After being coached by Dan, I started to push my comfort zones more and more. Things that were foreign/difficult to me became less so. I started building a strong social circle, filling my calendar with meaningful activities, and expressing attraction to women confidently. With Dan, I felt like I wasn’t alone in facing my problems. I had the motivation to change, and Dan helped me stay on track. I haven’t stopped making improvements in my life since.”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Pulkit K., Dentist

“I started my journey as ‘Mr. Nice Guy’. I would find it hard to rock the boat. Trying to avoid confrontation at work was leading to frustration and low self-esteem. I used to be scared to assert myself for fear of coming across as an unpleasant person. Thanks to my work with Dan, I have practiced the simple yet difficult task of expressing myself honestly. Handling confrontation is a skill I continue to get better at. It has helped me cultivate deeper and more satisfying relationships at work, and even led to me being invited to speak internationally to other professionals.”

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“Dan helped me break through so many barriers, fears, and doubts. He allowed me to see who I really am, who I want to be, and what I am capable of. A friend recently asked me what made my dream of traveling overseas finally possible… The answer was easy: the work I’ve done with Dan. It’s no longer just wishful thinking that one day I might improve myself—it’s now an exciting reality.”

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