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Why Nice Guys are reluctant to show attraction and interest

For much of my early years, I had a strange reluctance to give praise and compliments and show interest in people, beyond sort of vague non-committal and judgmental praise. I also felt resistant to receiving affection.

It took me a long time to realize why I had this problem, and it’s because showing interest is the precursor to intimacy.

Like most Nice Guys, I thought I was afraid of rejection. Turns out, I was actually far more terrified of someone liking me and wanting to get closer.

If you start showing interest in someone – attraction towards them, a desire to be with them, a preference for their personality – then you’re basically inviting them to go deeper with you and become intimate, thereby increasing the risk of someone getting hurt.

Nice Guys and people pleasers often struggle with doing this because they don’t trust they’ll be able to end it if it changes and goes badly. They’re worried that if intimacy starts, they won’t be able to stop it. Many of us have been trapped in relationships by our inability to confront and hurt someone by being the rejector.

We’re scared of that commitment because it takes away all our power and freedom, due to our inability to be assertive.

Confrontation is the key here.

If you can get good at ending things, and being confrontational and assertive, you’ll find it much easier to be intimate and to show attraction without worrying about what happens if you change your mind later.

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One Response

  1. How to move toward intimacy without panicking: agree with your partner that you only have to want to see each other one more time

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