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Why is Social Confidence Important?

It can be really hard to figure out what you should prioritise in your life. Should it be your health? Your career? Your video game skills?

Thankfully, there is an objective answer to this question: social confidence.

Building social confidence is simply the highest value goal you can have. From creating self-confidence through to giving you a major career advantage, having the kind of loyal and loving connections that come from being socially confident is the highest leverage commodity in life.

In this video, I explore the question about what you should do with your life by trying to convince you that becoming a confident person in social settings is more valuable than any other goal.

 


 

To boost your confidence and accelerate your journey to becoming a social skills master, contact dan@brojo.org to talk about coaching

 


Full transcript (unedited)

Why is social confidence important? I have a young daughter, if I could only have one wish for her, there’s only one thing I was I was allowed to give her as a gift, it would be social confidence, it would be to be socially adept. Because I know that there is nothing better, that she could be good at than socializing, that everything else that she might want out of life will be enhanced, or achieved through her ability to confidently socialize. I’ve studied success for decades. And I mean, the science of success from case studies of very successful people and digging through the whole history through to more broader and generic studies of successful people. And I don’t just mean successful financially, I mean, in a success as well, people who are confident, who love themselves, who would say that they have had a great life, as well as the people that have all the external trappings, like a great job or a great physique, or so on. And I’ve tried to deconstruct a, what is it they do differently to the others? What separates them. And one thing that keeps coming up in all of my research, is social confidence, their ability to form high value connections with other people, that is almost a guarantee for success, whether that’s the inner success of just loving yourself and having a great life, or the art of success of having a fantastic career. All of it is significantly enhanced by your ability to socialize. And if you lack that ability, then you’re dragging this huge weight. It’s a massive, uphill battle to succeed, either internally or externally. So this is why it makes such a big deal about it. And I’m not trying to discourage any of you who might feel like you lack social skills, or you’re really lacking confidence socially, anything, oh, well, then, all hope is doomed for me. I mean, some of my clients are quite strongly on the autistic spectrum. Everybody, their whole life has told them that they cannot socialize well. And I’ve proven it wrong. With my work with them, they have learned how to do it, they’ve had learned not only how to be socially confident, but how to be socially skilled. So there’s very few of you listening to this that are completely incapable of improving your social confidence. All right, if you can understand what I’m saying in this podcast, then you have at least enough to tell intelligence, to understand what you’ll need to do to become socially confident. So when I say that this is the most important thing for somebody to work on. That’s based on the research. And the optimistic upside to that is, it’s really available to almost everyone, in terms of a thing that you can grow and develop yourself, like humans are social species, aren’t we. So being socially confident is, of course going to be a generally valuable trait to have not to impress others. That’s a kind of shortcut, cheap, fake way of doing it. But in order to have a good life, to enjoy who you are, as a person, let’s take the most obvious or one of the most obvious, the career. Right, your job, your vocation. There’s an old saying, it’s not what you know, it’s who you know, as somebody who’s had, I think, 14 different roles in my career, for a wide range of spaces. And I’m somebody who escalated quickly in the Department of Corrections for a young person, I kind of went up the ladder very quickly. I’ll tell you, this is just true, that somebody who’s really hard work and really skilled and really diligent and reliable, is going to lose out to somebody who’s got better connections in the company. That’s not necessarily a good thing. But it is a true thing. You think of the key things that make someone really employable, or make someone really likely to be successful in entrepreneurship, you’re looking at social things. You’re looking at relationship building, you’re looking at sales and marketing skills. So psychology, you’re looking at leadership qualities, you’re looking at negotiation skills, somebody who’s really strong and all of these is gonna go so much further than anybody else, no matter what their expertise is, if they don’t have those skills, you can be the smartest scientist in the world. But the dumb scientist in your lab, who’s really good at connecting with people and building relationships is going to do better in their career than you probably see. Imagine if you’re also hardworking and skilled and reliable, conscientious, as well as being socially confident, the world’s your oyster. Another reason social confidence is so important is you’re very likely to procure mentors, and coaches and teachers naturally. When you’re somebody that is bold, socially goes for what they want, understands that we’re a social species that is interdependent. You will very likely to be taken under the wing of people who are better at things than you are. There’s something about Healing to confidence successful people about seeing a young version of themselves that gets them excited. And they want to nurture that and grow it as a way of sort of validating their own success. And it is such a massive advantage to be somebody who is attractive to mentorship. Again, any area of life you’re looking at, do you want to become more socially skilled? Do you want to become healthier? You want to do well in your career, if you’ve got someone who knows how to do it, take you under their wing, and help you accelerate and shortcut the process, then that’s most of your work done for you. And somebody who’s socially confident will be more likely to find and procure mentors, and coaches and so on, then somebody who’s shy or difficult to talk to creating a network of mutually supportive people, there’s an old African proverb that I love in go fast alone, or go far together. Generally, people who are independent and don’t work with others, do move very quickly, because they don’t have to consult with anyone, and they’re not held back by the herd. But they do hit barriers and ceilings very quickly. Because they only know what they know. And they can only do do what they do alone. Whereas somebody who is able to harness the power of a tribe, of a community, where everyone supports each other, in go anywhere that anyone else in the group has gone to, right, because you can tap into that knowledge base and that wisdom and learn from them. And of course, you can support others as well, which is very rewarding in and of itself, but also builds great connections. And so the community just gets stronger and stronger, people in the community are far more likely to do better. And whatever it is, they want to do better than the lone wolf, who’s only got the one mind working on the problem. Now there’s a famous study done by University of Harvard, the longitudinal happiness study, I believe it’s called, where for 70 years, they studied 1000s of people to see who ends up with the highest quality of life and why now you can look up the study yourself, so I don’t need to go into the details of it. But they essentially came to one clear conclusion. People with deep and intimate connections with others, were the happiest. Now there are some exceptions, there are some people who prefer to be alone and they genuinely mean it. It’s not just some trauma coping mechanism. But for the most part, if you’re a normal human being, which you probably are, the best thing you can do with your life is create great connections with other people. There’s pretty much nothing else that’s going to satisfy you more and ensure that your final days on this planet are enjoyable, loneliness as a killer, those of you who are lonely know what I’m talking about, I’ve been lonely, it’s a horrible place to be if you don’t want to be there. You can feel the stress you can feel how it hurts your health. My early 20s I mean, I really looked unhealthy. As a result, I believe of loneliness, of feeling like, I wasn’t really connected to anyone, even though I had lots of so called friends and socialize with people a lot is like an alien floating around in the humans pretending to be one of them was a horrible feeling. And now I don’t have a huge circle of people who I call friends only have a few. But I feel peaceful with it. I feel like I can just be myself around them that they know who I am. It’s unconditional love. And I can see how good that is. For me, I can see that if I’m on my deathbed when I’m 70. And I can see nobody’s going to remember my work like this shit. And nobody reads my books or anything, I’m just going to be another person who died another statistic. But if I’m holding the hands of my loved ones in that moment, and I look back at all the quality time I spend with my daughter and my wife and my few friends, my family, that’s enough, there really isn’t enough. I’m really quite satisfied with that picture in my head. Like I’ve already finished life. I’ve already clocked it. And I suspect that this is the case for most humans. I think we’re biologically wired for this. And so what else is there more important to focus on than building social confidence and creating connections with people? What’s going to bring you more rewards than that, internally and externally, there’s another hidden benefit that a lot of people don’t think of. And that is that socializing as a mirror. The more we interact with people and dive deep with them, the more we practically learn psychology, you can read all the books in the world I know I have. But when it comes to learning about human psychology, it’s really done on a one to one case by case basis. That’s where you get the real information. And when I say mirror, is the more you learn about other people, the more you learn about yourself, you start to see what common human traits exist and what people tend to do in certain situations. And then you start to see yourself and other people. And I think the only thing that might possibly be more satisfying than having great connections is to know yourself truly, to have explored what you are before you die and to know it to the depths to the core. and other people are your mirror, they will give you their feedback, whether they mean to or not. And as the most satisfying and helpful information you’ll ever receive. So my advice, take it or leave it as once you have your basic needs sorted shelter, food, steady income, makes socializing number one priority. That doesn’t mean you get all needy for people. It just means that if you’ve got an option of doing something, think what’s the most social way I can do this. And when you’re around, people think what’s the next thing I can do to enhance my social confidence? What’s the move I can make? That’s bold. And keep doing that until you see the matrix and you go, Okay, I know how to make friends and loving connections with people now without being fake. And I can do this anytime I like I can see the code and I know what to do. And then you’re basically set for life and everything else is just kind of icing on the cake. I know I’ve made it sound super simple, because it actually is but when you’re in the thick of it, it doesn’t feel that way. I know that spent a lot of time being socially unconfident. But if you want help to develop the skills and the inner mindset needed to be confident get in touch dan@brojo.org And we’ll talk about coaching

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