Maybe this post is pointless…

Despite my many flaws, one I don’t suffer from is self-loathing. Sure, I get mad at myself sometimes, and regret certain decisions, but I wouldn’t trade places with anyone in the world. I like this Dan guy, and I’m backing him.

Yet my work inevitably brings me into contact with people who hate themselves. People for whom negative thoughts about themselves are a common everyday occurrence. People who wish they were someone else, and who suspect they are unlovable. People who suffer from “toxic shame”: the belief there is something fundamentally “wrong” with them that can never be fixed.

So I wanted to tackle this from a new angle today – a rational one. While in my coaching I help people to repair their relationship with themselves through valued living and confidence building, I wanted to write something that addresses the sheer insanity of hating yourself.

It was taught to you

There has never been a self-hating baby or toddler to walk the face of this Earth. We are born with an innate sense of self-love and acceptance.

But we learn something else along the way.

You do not have a great childhood, with effective parenting and generally loving social experiences, and then end up hating yourself. It’s a very simple equation: people who hate themselves were treated hatefully as children and came to believe they were the cause of the hate, i.e. there was something wrong with them.

What other conclusion could a child come to if the people they love and trust and believe give them negative feedback that indicates there’s something wrong with them?

In nearly 20 years working in the field of psychology I have not once met a person who hated themselves AND had a loving upbringing. Not once.

If you hate yourself, it’s something you learned from inadequate, damaged, and generally unhealthy bullies during your childhood, whether they were your parents, peers, siblings or religious leaders.

If they hadn’t fucked you up, you’d be OK with yourself.

There is no “Self”

Speaking of hating “yourself”, what does that even mean?

When you think you hate yourself, who exactly are you hating? When the thought “I’m such a loser” (or similar) enters your mind, who is having that thought?

If one entity is having the thought, then it must be observing another entity to have the thought about. Your eyes cannot look at themselves, they can only look at others. An entity cannot see itself, so it must be looking at another.

So when you think something like “I hate myself”, the Subject (I) is hating an Object (myself). Those are two different people.

There’s at least two people, then, one hating the other. Are there only two, or are there more… perhaps many more?!

Even if there are only two – the Subject observing the Object – who is this Object, exactly?

Is it your current “self” – the particles, ideas, meat and bones existing in this present moment? Because if that’s the case, then this critique is rather unfair. At the time of being hated, the Object is simply sitting there receiving hateful feedback. At this very moment he’s doing nothing wrong… just listening to the Subject berate him about being wrong. Why should the Object feel bad about what he’s doing presently?

Or is the Subject looking back at the recent or distant past “self”, regretting who “you” once were? In that case, we have two problems.

Firstly, memory is largely unreliable, a copy of a copy of a copy of something that maybe happened long ago and has since been rewritten numerous times… and even at the time was recorded with biases that skewed the truth about what really happened. And you’ve conveniently overlooked all the not-bad things you’ve done, haven’t you? So it’s not a balanced and fair assessment.

And secondly, even if the memory is accurate (it definitely isn’t), that past self no longer exists. His particles and ideas and everything about him have since changed. Hating your present self for the acts committed by your past self is like sentencing someone for a crime his relative committed. It’s like trying to cancel a dead celebrity. It makes no sense.

So either you’re hating a version of yourself that no longer exists, or you’re hating your present self who’s done nothing wrong.

And why is the Subject so eager to pass the blame? Isn’t he “in there” with the Object as well? Where was he when decisions needed to be made? It’s no good coming in after the damage is done, having failed to contribute during the commission of the act, only to then criticize what you could have helped with.

You are only your present behaviour

Memory is a faulty story about what has happened. Future predictions are nothing more than fantasy. The only You available to be hated with any rationality is your present self.

If you hate yourself for your thoughts or feelings, we can dismiss that as nonsense. No thought or feeling has ever left a measurable mark on this world. No thought or feeling has ever remained constant. It’s like hating clouds in the sky. Look up a few moments later and they’re gone. You, therefore, can only hate your behaviour. It’s the only measurable aspect of your existence that can be verified with evidence and observation.

Given that you can only observe your “present” self with reflection, you are in fact only ever observing your past self. Sure, it might feel like it’s present, but by the time you’ve finished telling yourself, “I hate myself”, the present has moved on. It’s like a sports commentator: by the time they’ve talked about the latest play, it’s already finished and the game has moved on. So that feedback is always about a past version of You that existed a second or more ago.

So who “You” are is only evident in your current behaviour, which is actually your past behaviour. It’s not possible to give yourself feedback on your current behaviour because feedback takes time to be delivered.

The closest to rationally hating yourself you can get to is to say something like, “The observer in my mind dislikes it’s memory of what the person it observes recently seemed to do”. Anything else is pure fantasy or irrelevant to now.

What are you doing right now?

If it’s a terrible thing, then sure: critique yourself. It’s only sensible to give yourself accurate feedback. If your behaviour doesn’t align with your core values, it should be challenged. But challenging a single behaviour is not the same as hating your entire composition of cells, organs, ideas, memories and beliefs through all time.

Most of the time, what you’re doing “right now” is probably rather neutral. Sitting. Walking. Eating. Listening to music while riding the bus. Washing the dishes. Taking a dump.

Even serial killers spend a vast majority of their time not engaged in murder. Most of the time their actions are mundane. And I’m guessing you’re less harmful than them in general too.

So if you are only your current behaviour, and there’s nothing majorly wrong with what you’re doing right now, what is there to hate? An idea of yourself? A story in your mind about who you are? Complete fiction. Fucking nonsense made up by a mind that can’t differentiate stories from facts.

If you don’t like what you’re doing in this very moment, then do something else. Simple. No hate required.

Hate does not lead to improvement

Even if you are worthy of hate, you have to ask: what’s the purpose of hating myself? What problem does it solve to view myself this way?

Surely, if you don’t like yourself, then you would want to change who you are. OK, fine, but how does hating yourself contribute to that goal?

I’ve worked in the field of motivating people to change their behaviour more than nearly everyone else in the world, and I can tell you without a shadow of doubt that hating oneself does not motivate people to engage in better behaviour.

Being mad at something you did; or feeling guilty for letting yourself down; or getting frustrated with repeated harmful patterns – these emotional reactions do inspire change. But these are not the same as self-hate. They are targeted anger at specific actions, not loathing of an entire person. In fact, they are the reaction of the Subject who cares for the Object and wants a better life for him, like a father who’s upset to see his son self-sabotage his potential.

Simply put: if hate was an effective motivator, then just a few days or weeks of hating yourself would lead you to solve the problem, thereby putting an end to the hate. But I imagine if you’re reading this then the self-hate has been going for years, maybe even decades. So if it hasn’t helped yet, how likely is it to motivate growth in the future?

Hate does NOT help.

If anything, hate is a narcissistic indulgence. It’s a way of saying, “Poor me, I’m such a victim of bad luck,” without feeling guilty about complaining. It’s the victim-hero identity – the main character of the universe struggling against injustice.

Hating yourself conveniently seems to prevent making an effort toward positive change. It’s a cop-out.

What’s more motivating: encouragement, or discouragement? Easy answer, right? So why would you think hating yourself is going to be more helpful than loving yourself?

So even if “you” (a concept that doesn’t make sense) is “worthy” (a completely subjective made-up assessment) of being hated, it’s still not an effective way to solve the issue.

You have to decide: do you want to keep bathing in the acid of hating yourself, or do you want to actually enjoy your life? You can’t have both.

There is no objective “worth” to a person

The feeling of hating yourself is nearly always accompanied by some variation of the belief: “I’m not good enough”, sometimes represented as feeling “unworthy”.

While people say such things to themselves and others frequently, very few are actually able to define the terms.

What do you mean by “good enough”? Good enough to do… what, exactly?

If it’s good enough to live, then you must already be, because here you are, alive and reading this post. And if must be “more” than living, why? Where’s your evidence that any human is obliged to do more than live?

What do you mean by “worthy”? Is that like a financial value, or the “amount” of love you “deserve”, or what? Is it some kind of social status rating system that determines who gets to claim an enjoyable life or something?

Do you even have a clue what you’re talking about when you say you’re not good enough??

No matter your answer, I will be able to refute it. I’ve had this conversation hundreds if not thousands of times, and not once – not once – has someone been able to define the “worth” of a human in a way that makes even the slightest bit of sense rationally.

Whatever you think is wrong and unlovable about you, I can show you exceptions.

I’ve worked with child molesters who are loved. I’ve worked with physically disabled people who enjoy active lives. I’ve worked with poor people who engage in meaningful activities.

What exactly is so especially broken about you that entitles you to less of a life than others?

Again, we see the narcissism in hating yourself. It’s also a claim that you’re special. See, a “normal” person would have “normal” entitlements, right? Therefore, you must be exceptional and different and unique to have a different set of requirements. Wow, you must have been personally selected by the Gods or something!

I’ll bet you have a double standard, too. I bet there are people you meet who have the same or worse weaknesses and failures and flaws as you, but you give them a pass. You have to be the special one who gets singled out for hate.

Maybe it’s time to get over yourself. I ask again: good enough for WHAT?

You don’t deserve hate

Eventually the human race will go extinct. It’s inevitable. We can’t exist forever because given enough time all the suns will collapse and there will be no energy sources in the universe. And I’m pretty sure we’ll fuck ourselves over well before then.

No matter how wonderful and amazing and famous you are, no matter how much you contribute, no matter how much people think you’re “worth”, you will eventually be forgotten.

Those who remember you will die and be forgotten.

The internet servers that hold your data will eventually shut down, disintegrate, and their corrupted information will evaporate into heat.

It might take centuries: we still remember Beethoven. It might take millennia: we still remember Marcus Aurelius. It might take hundreds of thousands of years. But sure enough, one day, you will completely cease to exist.

I don’t point this out to make you feel bad, but to relieve your burden. There’s no need to be special. There’s no point in striving to prove your worth. You don’t have to contribute some amazing gift. You don’t need to earn your life. You already have it!

No one asks to be born. You didn’t give consent to exist. It was forced upon you. What a rude gift life is! And, seeing as you’re someone who also hates yourself, you must appreciate how unfair it is to be born in the first place. So you don’t owe anything to anyone. You didn’t sign up for this shit!

Relax. There is no such thing as good enough. There is no objective value to human life. You were born, which is horribly unfair, but you’re here now so might as well make the most of it. It won’t happen again, so even if it’s terrible don’t worry: you only have to endure it once.

It’s hard enough to exist without consent. Why make it worse by being hard on yourself? Why pressure yourself to give more than you can give? That’s like a slave being disappointed in themselves for not picking enough cotton.

I’m not saying just give up and refuse to participate. Indeed, that’s what hating yourself leads to!

Loving yourself is like treating your life as a unwanted gift that you must nevertheless take responsibility for and do the best with it you can. It’s like playing Texas Hold’em Poker and being dealt a 2 and a 7 unsuited… but the ante took the last of your money. You can either fold or play the hand to the end.

Imagine you didn’t have to live up to anyone else’s expectations or suit anyone else’s preferences. Imagine your self-hate is merely a manifestation of childhood conditioning and programming caused by unhealthy or malevolent people who wanted you to feel this way so they could manipulate you.

Fuck em all.

An innocent baby doesn’t deserve hate. And that’s what you started out as. You didn’t choose your birth, your genetics, or the upbringing that was forced upon you.

Whatever issues you have with your own behaviour, treat them as a challenge to overcome, a mission to give your life meaning. Hell, most of them aren’t even problems – someone just gaslighted you into thinking they were.

When you hate yourself, those arseholes from your childhood win. You’re continuing their legacy on their behalf. Fuck those losers. Stop doing their dirty work for them.

And stop shirking your responsibility. Yeah, life’s tough and unfair. Boo hoo. There’s no other life available to you. So get with the program. Work with what you’ve got. There’s nothing else to fantasize about.

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Thanks for reading

Hope to speak to you soon

Dan Munro