CONNECT WITH DAN

When you feel no attraction for your date

A client of mine just flicked through a quick message.

He says, I met a girl, we had a great chat, but I don’t have attraction 1. Is it okay to mention that? and, 2. is it okay not to get her number?

In other words, what do you do next when you’ve met someone new but realised you don’t want to see them again?

The real issue is the place this question is coming from. It says a lot that these are the questions coming up for him.

If you want to start genuine interactions and connect with people, there shouldn’t be any goals attached, i.e. the only purpose is to practice honesty, courage, and other core values. Therefore, it shouldn’t matter if attraction is there. It shouldn’t matter whether you get a phone number.

In fact, you should only be expressing attraction if it arises, and getting a phone number if you’re both attracted to each other and have already agreed to meet up again.

You don’t need to mention things that aren’t real. If there’s no attraction there, you don’t need to speak about attraction at all. You don’t randomly say things like, “I don’t feel sick right now” or “I am not taller than this” do you? You only speak about things that exist.

How about just connect with the person and let whatever will be, be?

Enjoy the conversation as long as you enjoy it, and then move on if you don’t want anything further. You can just say “Nice to meet you, have a good day” and walk away. You don’t need to explain yourself or justify anything

Don’t go into interactions with criteria like “Attraction is all that matters” or “I have to get a phone number” or “This must be a fun conversation”.

Let it be whatever it will be.

However, if you later realised that you are now attracted and want to see them again, but somehow didn’t feel it at the time, then you probably had an Avoidant misfire, and will need to take a risk next time to find out for sure.

2 Responses

  1. Switching your mindset from “Make something happen” to “Let’s see what happens” is a massive game changer

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