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What school didn’t teach you, part 4: How to stand up for yourself

Build your confidence and connections with my Powerful Honesty course on Udemy

High school and university failed us all. While they taught us things like algebra and history, we weren’t taught any of the things we actually needed to know to create a successful, high quality life!

In this series of 6 videos, I’ll try to teach you what school failed to do:

1) How to build self confidence

2) How to be good with money

3) Dating and relationships skills

4) Confrontation skills

5) Critical thinking

6) Creative productivity

In this fourth video, we talk about how to manage conflict and stand up for yourself by setting respectful boundaries and learning how to have healthy confrontations. You cannot expect someone else to save you – you must learn how to protect yourself from manipulation and bullying, and become someone who has earned self respect.


Dan’s Top Resources

Books

Dan has 3 bestselling non-fiction books available in both written and audio form:

  • The Naked Truth, his latest release, shows you how radical honesty builds self-confidence and relationships
  • Nothing to Lose explores how to build confidence from the inside by correcting the programming in your brain
  • The Legendary Life is a very practical, action-focused guide on how to plan and execute a life plan that brings you your ideal lifestyle

Online courses

Dan continues to put out high quality online self-paced courses through the Udemy platform


Full transcript (unedited)

Welcome back to brojo online. Today I’m going to record a podcast that will also be a series of videos about what they failed to teach you in school. Next big lesson that they didn’t teach you in school is confrontation skills. In fact, they taught you the opposite. If you tried to confront your teacher at school usually got punished. That’s not a good fucking education. Right? You’re being discouraged from challenging authority about things that you think are wrong. Anybody else see a problem with that, you got to understand no one else is here to save you. Life is a negotiation, you either win or you lose, or it’s a win win situation. If you don’t know how to confront, you’re going to lose. confrontation is about expressing the truth. It’s about getting your truth out there. Even if it’s going to ruffle up some feathers. That’s all it’s not necessarily about winning even. It’s just making sure that you respect yourself by expressing yourself, making sure that no battle goes on fought it, you don’t surrender, there’s three things in this order that you should aim for the primary goal and a confrontation is to express your truth and respect yourself. If nothing else, at least get that part done. Even if you go crashing down in flames and everyone votes against you at least make sure that you stood up for yourself to have possible if you’re working with somebody, you can achieve this go for a win win outcome. It doesn’t mean necessarily compromising yourself, but trying to find a way for this confrontation to end where you both walk away being glad that it happened. But three, if you’re up against someone who’s unwilling or unable to meet you at their win win situation, at least try to not lose, stand up for yourself stand your ground holds strong. And make sure that if you’re going to lose the fight, it’s because they beat you not because you surrendered. So the key to a good confrontation is to express your truth boldly, concisely, directly and then step back, shut the fuck up, let them respond and listen with the same amount of respect that you’d want someone to listen to you. That combination leads to the best possible outcomes, you’ve got to let go of the need to win. So winning might beginning the outcome you want, convincing them looking good in front of an audience sounding articulate. There’s all sorts of different versions of winning when it comes to confrontation. That’s not the point. Even if you end up looking stupid. The point is to express the truth and go for that Win Win outcome, a key thing to understand with confrontations, there’s never a right time to do it. Most people are too agreeable and don’t stand up for themselves because they just doesn’t seem to be the right segue, the right introduction, the green light to go ahead with this thing. They never is. When you confront properly, it’s going to feel like you’re throwing a bucket of ice water into a harmonious situation like you’re ruining the mood or this wasn’t the appropriate time, it’s always going to feel like that. So just do it anyway, is never a good time, for example, to tell someone that you cheated on them, there’s never a time of day that that’s going to work out well. So you might as well tell them at 3am in the morning, or seven o’clock over breakfast or whenever it occurs to you to tell them because there’s not going to be a bit of time in terms of how you confront some short preparation, and then be very clear and concise. Short preparation means like I’ve got something to tell you might be a bit uncomfortable, you might want to take a seat, it’s a short preparation, no more than a single sentence. And then tell them concisely, not the big long winded story with each heaps of suspense and all these unnecessary characters. And it’s all sugar coated and you’re not really sure what the fuck is actually been talked about. Just given the raw cold facts. I didn’t like it when you did this, or I was upset with you and you did that or I disagree with you on that opinion. Just again, it could be a single sentence. That’s how concise a good confrontation is. If you’re talking for more than a few minutes, you’re overdoing it. It should also be only a single point you don’t confront someone with a battery list of all their grievances all at once. Just choose the one that matters most dismiss the rest and focus only on that one and do not punish them with other past crimes. You came here with one thing to talk about, stick to that one thing and make sure that they do too. Now no blames or accusations here. All right. Your decisions in your life lead up to this moment. So when you do a confrontation, there’s none of you made me feel or you cause me harm. That’s not true. Your decisions bought you to the situation. So that harms you. It’s your fault. So when you go to express yourself, make sure you take responsibility for you. So when I saw you do that, I got upset, not you upset me. Right. I responded with being upset. That’s me. Maybe I’m too sensitive. I don’t even know. I know it’s not your fault. Because the fact that you’re even in my life as a result of my decisions. It’s like the craziest thing being angry at your child for them breaking a glass or something like that. It’s like dude, you had the kid? What did you think was gonna happen? You can’t blame the kid for you delivering the kid to the world. So anything that happens with their kid as a choice you made. So you can say look at gave me a big frame and upset me when you broke the glass. But you know, you’re a bad kid for breaking the glass to keep the kid didn’t ask to be born take responsibility for your decisions. So a little framework in users, like when I observed whatever the thing is that bothers you. And when I saw that thing, I reacted with whatever emotional response and narrative that you had. And you might give them a little bit more because I have a tendency to do this, or I have a belief about this. So might be like, when you broke the glass, I got shocked and upset. Because you know, I’m so fussy about things being tidy. You see how easy that is to receive. I’m taking total responsibility for it while still confronting your behavior. But at no point am I attacking you personally, because this isn’t really about you. It’s about me, allow a discussion if the other person’s rational and compassionate, but do not fight or defend this, the other person counter attacks just let their wash past you like water. In fact, the first reaction should be basically ignored. Maybe your confrontation is to talk about an issue that you brought up. If they counter with another issue, that should be a separate conversation. And I like to say we’ll park there about Yeah, I can see you’re upset by that. We’ll come back to that afterwards. Disgust my thing. We’re just going to park there for now. So you keep coming back to that initial conversation that you want to bring up? Look, if they want to have a discussion for you. Like, I’m not sure it’s really fair that you’re confronted me about that. But I’m open to talk about it someone go have a discussion with like, Well, you did this and you’re a boo, boo. conversations over, move on come back after the heats died down. Which brings me to the point of never take the initial reaction seriously. When you give someone a confrontation, most people are untrained. And because especially in Western society, we’re so scared of confrontation that nobody gets enough expertise in it. So when you confront people, you’re going to get the worst out of them some of the time. And you can just kind of brush it off as like an initial shock reaction. What you really want to measure is not so much the reaction to your confrontation. But the ongoing behavioral change that happens afterwards. Do they behave better? Do they respect you more? Does it as some sort of indication that they’ve taken you seriously and they’re going to work with you on this thing, even somebody reacts well to the confrontation might not change their behavior, it might just be a manipulation on the apart. So ignore reactions and look for ongoing behavior. And here’s the key thing to think about confrontations. No one who’s healthy, confident and good view is going to react poorly to you confronting them. Keep that in mind, a healthy, confident person who’s good for you to keep in your life is never going to punish you for confronting them. Even if you do it poorly. Even if you fuck it up. They’re still going to be like, Alright, I’m listening. You know, they might disagree with you. That’s not a punishment. They might have a different point of view. That’s not a punishment. But if they then attack you or guilt trip you or try to harm you will take revenge in some way. You can step back and this person shouldn’t even be in my life. Problem solved.

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