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What school didn’t teach you, part 3: Dating and relationship skills

Build your confidence and connections with my Powerful Honesty course on Udemy

High school and university failed us all. While they taught us things like algebra and history, we weren’t taught any of the things we actually needed to know to create a successful, high quality life!

In this series of 6 videos, I’ll try to teach you what school failed to do:

1) How to build self confidence

2) How to be good with money

3) Dating and relationships skills

4) Confrontation skills

5) Critical thinking

6) Creative productivity

In this third video, we look at the basic principles for successful dating, relationships and friendships. From how you set up an attractive and interesting lifestyle, to how to remove neediness as a barrier, through to using honesty to build secure, healthy connections.

Harvard study on happiness


Dan’s Top Resources

Books

Dan has 3 bestselling non-fiction books available in both written and audio form:

  • The Naked Truth, his latest release, shows you how radical honesty builds self-confidence and relationships
  • Nothing to Lose explores how to build confidence from the inside by correcting the programming in your brain
  • The Legendary Life is a very practical, action-focused guide on how to plan and execute a life plan that brings you your ideal lifestyle

Online courses

Dan continues to put out high quality online self-paced courses through the Udemy platform


Full transcript (unedited)

Welcome back to brojo online. Today, I’m going to record a podcast that will also be a series of videos about what they failed to teach you in school. The next big thing that I can teach you about in school, creating healthy relationships and dating skills. There’s a longitudinal study that I’ll post the link to that found basically, the best source of happiness in a person’s life is to be in a happy, healthy relationship. So why aren’t they teaching that at school? Fact, if I recall correctly, they didn’t teach us shit about socializing. In school, there was not a single lesson in high school university that I least was aware of, that taught you how to interact with people in any helpful way. Now, relationships dating, these are complex subjects, and a short video is not going to cover everything you need to know. But there are some principles where if you learned to live by them, giving yourself the best possible chances, to create good friendships, to have us fulfilling sex life to maybe find a partner or multiple partners that will satisfy you for the rest of your life. Here’s what I’ve learned. Number one, probably the most important principle. Fill your calendar, doing things that you love, and doing the most social version of them that you can think of doing the sports that you love the hobbies that you love, the activities that you enjoy. Fill your calendar with that stuff. And if possible, try to do it with other people. Don’t try to date and try to get a partner this kind of behavior creates neediness, which only repels those things, including trying to make friends, stay, just do what you love with other people who also love it, you’re starting off with the highest possible chance of a connection because the two of you into the same shit. There’s a good chance that somewhere within that group of people that you’re doing it with, as a person who’s really good for you. Next principle, start as honest as possible. Be prepared to let people hate you let them judge you let them think of you as weird and awkward. Whatever it is, all you’re doing is just pushing away people who aren’t right for you. This is nothing to be afraid of getting rejected by someone for who you really are, is a good experience for you. And might not feel so good. But it means you’re getting rid of someone who would have been bad to keep in your life. How can you think of that as a failure. So if you’re honest about who you really are right up front, right out of the gate, with responsibility and courage and shamelessness, not all poor, me, I’m apologizing for who I am. But really just owning it and just giving it to people, you’re only going to be left standing with the people who actually like you for who you really are, which means in effortless relationship, you don’t have to do anything to earn the love or impress them, you could be at your worst, and they still going to think you’re great. That’s the kind of person you want to end up with. And honesty is going to do all that work for you. With honesty comes the next principle, which is reciprocation. 5050. So a lot of people think honesty means you go and blurt out at somebody like they’re a therapist, no, they need a turn to talk as well, you need to listen to them as well. So everything should be kind of 5050, whether it’s a single conversation with us the household chores, or the parenting or the money. Everything should be split and shared, for a good connection with somebody. So make sure you’re constantly assessing everything about your connections from an individual conversation through to the grand relationship is everything balanced, doesn’t mean you have to all be doing the same exact amount of everything. But it should feel fair and balanced overall. So you might not do most of the talking and a conversation. But you’re both going to the same depth of honesty, and you’re both being as vulnerable as each other. And you might not wash the dishes, but you do the cooking. So all kind of balances out. You got to constantly think of this balance, because you might think you doing more is a good idea because it makes the life better. But all it does is push them away, you’re oversharing while they’re under sharing, it’s going to end eventually, you have to respect yourself at all times, nobody can stay in a loving connection with you. If you disrespect yourself reciprocation is a great example of how to respect yourself and the other person. It’s also a great way to make sure that you don’t get stuck with someone who’s using you’re abusing someone refuses to do their 50% Get rid of them. Another principle, never try to keep another person in your life. Don’t try to get a partner or get a date or get sex. Instead focus on promoting integrity for both of you, which might include breaking up if needed. But the priority should be we both live with integrity. If that works well together, then we’ll stay together. But we’re not actually going to try and stay together. We’re just going to both be very honest and live by our values with each other. And if that works great, and if it doesn’t, that’s okay too. But the effort to try to stay together usually just mean to compromise them integrity, which is a death sentence for the relationship in the long run. Next step is a seemingly simple one, but it seems like people really need to be told Thus, don’t tolerate abuse. If somebody treats you poorly, leave them, get them out of your life. Now for those of you who’ve actually childhoods and so on, you’ve known nothing but abuse, you’re going to be used to unfamiliar with it and feel a kind of pull to keep it going. You’re also going to think, well, this is just how things are. I challenge all of you to go and find the healthiest example of relationships that you can observe them closely. When you do go, that’s the minimum standard. If anyone treats me worse than what I’m seeing here, I’m going to leave them whether it’s a friend or a date, or whatever, nobody should make you feel bad about yourself. If they do, carry them out. Focus on becoming someone you’re proud to be. Rather than trying to get someone try to be someone that people would want to be with. And what I mean is not be faking some seduction way to attract people, but be a person that you would want to recommend to other people be a valuable person. Best advice I got was be the kind of person you hope your daughter ends up with. Right? That’s, that’s the advice I got about about dating this before I had a door now I’ve got one seem a more meaningful, be the kind of person you’d want your own child to bring home with them. That means you got to step up. You got to be this wonderful person that if your kid brought home a date, you’re like, Oh, yes, we got a good one. Right? So be that person. That doesn’t mean being a nice guy, people pleaser. Because actually, you don’t want your daughter to be with a person, like who manipulates them. And there’s needy and whiny and uses covert contracts, all that kind of stuff. Now you want somebody who you’re going to feel that your daughter is safe, where there’s there was honest with your daughter who is responsible, bold, has everything you need, and father of your grandchildren, that kind of thing, be their person, ask for what you want directly and respond to requests honestly, stop with the gameplay. You don’t need to do that. I don’t know why everyone does that you don’t need to. You don’t need to be mysterious, some indirect about everything. Because I want you I want this, I want six I want to be with you, whatever it is, you want to say that you want it without any sort of need to convince them into giving it to you just saying I’m just putting it out there. If you want it, pick it up if you don’t send it back. Right. And then when they tell you what they want, you don’t have to say yes to everything. Consider each thing and go, Yeah, I’ll give you there. But I’m not giving you that and just be upfront with them. They never have to figure out what you want. And they never have to worry that you’re being dishonest about giving them what they want. They always know what your boundaries are, compromise on preferences, but not on values. So you might go to her favorite place to eat rather than your favorite place to eat. But you won’t eat unhealthy food just because she wants to this kind of concept where you know, we can do some give and take as to our different preferences, what kind of music we listen to on the car, maybe we’ll do a 5050 mix there. Or maybe I’ll go to the ballet with you. And I’m not really into it. But I want to spend time with you. These aren’t major breaches of your integrity, right? That’s fine. But if she wants you to lie for she wants you to disrespect your body for she wants you to be angry and blame other people like she does. Even though you don’t really feel that’s true. Whatever it is, don’t ever compromise your values, it doesn’t mean that you have to end every relationship where there’s a values conflict. It just means you stand strong and values but just soft on preferences. If you’re in a relationship, get a relationship therapist, a good one that you both like and you both feel benefits your relationship, even if you don’t need it yet. In fact, especially before you need it. Think of it like a personal trainer, you’re going to get the best out of your body. If you have a trainer all the time, even if you know what you’re doing. Also, same with a relationship, you’re going to get the best out of your relationship, if you have someone who comes in at least every couple of months to give you some feedback on how it’s going and give you some tips to avoid some of the pitfalls so that something small doesn’t become a big problem later on. And lastly, most ironically, ignore most dating advice and relationship advice out there. It’s mostly crap. Okay. It’s mostly from people who don’t know what they’re talking about. To spouting old gibberish that never made sense and never actually worked. It’s usually just designed to sell some dating app or some bullshit like that. No, find the healthiest relationships you can and ask those people. How do you guys do this? And you’ll see that everything I’ve talked about in this video is probably correct.

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