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What is Sexual Shame and How to Know if You Have It

This is an excerpt from my  course: Shamelessness: Develop Unbreakable Social Confidence

Sexual shame is possibly the number one cause of psychological suffering in the world.

Everyone feels like they can’t talk about it, as if they’re the only ones. And yet after more than a decade coaching, I can confirm that nearly everyone I have spoken to has strong sexual shame problems.

From erectile dysfunction, to fears and anxieties in the bedroom, to obsession with sexual gratification and fixation on attraction, nearly everyone has issues with their sexuality.

In this video, we look at what sexual shame is, how it’s caused (childhood trauma), and how to recover from it.

 


 

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Full transcript (unedited)

You’re about to watch a video. That’s an excerpt of one of my online courses free sample, if you will. If you enjoy it, please get in touch dan@brojo.org Let me know what you think. Welcome back, let’s get straight into it. Today we’re going to be having a look at what is sexual shame specifically, what is it for you individually? Because we all experience it differently? And how did you develop it? Where does it come from? Where do we all have the same influences and what it happens specifically for you to create shame around sex, and sexuality. The first thing I really want to say is the reason I’m making this course is because of how common this is, you are not alone. In fact, you’re in the vast, vast majority, there are very few people walking the earth today was sexually shameless. You’d you’ll feel alone, you’ll feel that you have to hide these things that you can’t talk about them, you feel amidst guilt and embarrassment about the things you’re ashamed of. And yet you’re surrounded by people who feel the same way and desperately need to talk about it. So it’s very common. And it’s very global. There are very few cultures that are unaffected by this that spread throughout the world. What is sexual shame, it’s any sense of wrong or bad, attached to sexual emotions, beliefs in thoughts. And it’s a suppression of verbal and physical expression. Have anything to do with sexuality. It’s wrong attached to emotions. Around six. It’s wrong attached to beliefs and thoughts around sexual orientation, gender, masculinity, femininity, anything in the realm of sexuality. If that’s got wrong attached to it, you’ve got sexual shame. There’ll be some emotions that come up to tell you you have those guilt would be the most clear one. If you have guilt about things that you’ve done, things that you want to do, things that you feel and think, in relation to sex and sexuality. Also social anxiety and fear. If you find that you have anxious and fearful sensations in the presence of someone that you’re attracted to, or someone who’s displaying some form of sexuality, and event perhaps that will sexual. If you feel anxiety about such an event or such a person, it can be a warning sign of sexual shame, especially if you wouldn’t feel anxiety or fear. If the event wasn’t sexual, or the person wasn’t sexual. For example, you might feel anxious going on a date. But you wouldn’t feel anxious going on the exact same activity with just a friend, where there’s no chance of attraction or six disgust. If you feel repulsed by things sexually, things that other people seem to be okay with things that don’t cause harm to anybody. But for you, you just get an instant emotional repulsion to the idea of it. There could be sexual shame there, especially when it’s also something you want to do. So you’re simultaneously driven towards it and away from it. You’re caught in this trap. Sexual obsession is often a warning sign we’ll talk about sixes coping in a minute. But if you have this bizarre attachment to six, where it’s more important to you, then valuable things like family and your mission in life. If you’re if you’re sexually addicted to things, if you’re hardcore porn, usury sleep around a lot. Or you’re just obsessed, you just can’t stop thinking about sex and sexuality. It can be a warning sign of shame. Obsessive Compulsive thinking, is often strong inland to shame, sexuality and sexual shame is specifically often linked to nice guy syndrome. So I’ll talk a little bit about that today. Because nice guy syndrome is essentially a sexual condition. And the way it manifests and nice guy syndrome is We will worship attractive people, they will become our biggest source of pleasure and pain. An attractive person validates us as a nice guy, we get a huge rush of dopamine, we feel great. And if they invalidate or reject us, we come crashing down. It’s our sexuality that’s behind this. We also get sexual jealousy a lot with nice guy syndrome, in fact, with lots of different other types of people as well. If you have a partner and and their past, their sexual past really bothers you, or their sexual preferences really bother you or their desire for others really bothers you. That sexual shame. If you’re guilty by your own sexual behavior, you’re worried that telling your partner about it will make them feel jealous, that sexual shame And most importantly, if you use sex as a coping mechanism, if you tend to masturbate or try to get laid, when you’re stressed, use it to feel better if you use it to deal with painful emotions, particularly painful motions related to six, you’ve got some sexual shame going for sure. So sexual shame is common. It’s comes from a sense of wrongness attached to anything that sexual from masculinity and femininity all the way through to the specific physical acts of six. You get emotions, like guilt and anxiety, Disgust obsession. And it’s really strongly connected to nice guy syndrome. In fact, nice guy syndrome can’t exist without sexual shame, which gives you some sense as to what the cure of Nightscout syndrome might be. How do we develop sexual shame? Where does it come from, it’s going to be different for each of you some of these points I make will relate to you and some of them absolutely will not. Some of them will relate to you, but you won’t know it. There’ll be some things that have happened in society around you that you haven’t paid attention to. But they’ve been slowly influencing you. I have to call out something here. And that is religion. Nowhere a sexuality more restrained and conditioned and controlled than organized religion. There are very few organized religions on the planet that are okay with all forms of sexuality. Off the top of my head, I can’t think of any except for perhaps, original Buddhism, and Jainism. But the major religions that have basically organized our legal systems or glaze organized our nations and cultures, things that you’re influenced by even if you consider yourself to be agnostic or atheist, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, they all have very strong views on what is right and what is wrong with sexuality. And these views will have influenced you. You may not go to church, but you will watch movies that we’re directed and scripted by someone who does. Religion is an integral part of our society. And when I say religion, I don’t just mean organized religion, but labels like Christianity, or Muslim. What I mean is beliefs based outside of the natural beliefs in morality, social order, without fail, whenever somebody designs a belief system around what is right or wrong, they end up having something very strong to say, about sexuality. So almost no doubt to it, that in some way, your view of what’s right and wrong in terms of six is somehow related to religious beliefs. And it’s important you understand what religious beliefs affected you? What part of the world are you from? Did you grow up? And what was the reigning religious beliefs there? Even if it doesn’t seem to be? Like in New Zealand, for example, there isn’t really a strong religious ruling like there would be in say, Saudi Arabia. But yet our most of our movies came from America, which is strongly Christian, and the UK, again, strongly Catholic and partisan. So we’re still getting a lot of religious views around sexuality coming in. There’s a reason that many priests in in religious sects who are not allowed to express themselves sexually snap and become pedophiles. Because if a person is suppressed sexually, their brain short circuits, any wrong is attached to sexuality, it will be one of the number one causes of suffering in your life. And a lot of the time you won’t even know why. You won’t know why you’re stressed all the time. You won’t know why you get so anxious on a date. These things are all connected with this kind of religious influence. And again, I’m not targeting any one organized religion, I’m just talking about the concept of beliefs and morality beyond natural physics and law. We get public shaming. So not only do you get the rules around what’s right and wrong, sexually, you also get those rules enforced by the people around you. People will repeat those rules to you. They will call you things like slut, or frigid or Virgin. They’ll give you labels that clearly indicate whether or not you’re doing well according to the rules. If you’ve ever been shamed for being lacking and sexual experience that is religious, you’re not being a man, by some sort of belief, a morality around what a man is. Being slut shamed, for example, there is nothing in the law of natural physics that says it’s wrong for someone to have a lot of sex as long as it’s safe. But all beliefs and morality have a clear idea as to how much sex you’re allowed to have. What’s interesting is a, a Christian woman will get shamed for sleeping around. But a Hindu man would be praised for that. It’s all subjective, you understand? So we your board up, and what was the reigning morality beliefs will determine what you’re ashamed of. Even though there is no substantial objective measure here, the right and wrong is completely made up. Depending on the culture that you ran, we also get this very strong separation of Sikhs from love and connection. Especially and porn. There are very few pornographic videos that talk about the relationship between the people having sex, the connection between them. And quite often they’re strangers, the pizza man coming around and getting dominated by the three cheerleaders or whatever, there’s no build up of how they got to know each other. There’s no love, they don’t even know each other’s names, they don’t even kiss on the mouth, they don’t even make eye contact. We’re we’re raised to believe that sex is this thing by itself. And it makes it a big deal, doesn’t it? We have all our life. And then we have sex life, as a fit somehow separate from everything. And this in itself. As soon as you separate something from normal, you’re automatically putting it up for shame. Because now can be judged as right or wrong. People would like to think they’re being celibate or somehow been devoid of sex being free of it. But that’s not true. Your sexuality still exists, whether or not you’re having physical sex, attraction, and desire still exists, even if you’re single. And you believe that these things are somehow separate that somehow life and sex are two different things porn has, I won’t go into it now. But there’s a lot of neurological effects as especially excessive porn use can have on your brain around sexuality, not just to mention the beliefs. And the way it changes you are the same people as pieces of body and pieces of meat rather than as human beings with the personality. But also it’s become a replacement for sexual education. Most places around the world sexual education is very grim. You know, if you go to your average public school, and especially in the world, anywhere in the world, and you try to learn about sex, what you get is like a cutaway medical image of what someone looks like on the inside. And that’s about it. Some countries, you get told to use a condom if you’re lucky. Nobody tells you how a sexual connection forms. Nobody tells you how to express yourself sexually. Nobody tells you like what can centers or any of those things. And you’re left to guess. And what happens when you lift a guess? When you do have an attempt to get it wrong, don’t you mean? The first time you ask someone out the first time you try to initiate sex, you don’t know what you’re doing, and no one’s given you a hand. So you get it wrong. And this submits in the belief that there’s something wrong with you, which all leads us of course, to take it too seriously. Sex is a fun part of life. It’s an everything it’s an every movie you see in every piece of advertising you’re you’re exposed to, it’s in fashion. It’s an everything Sixers everywhere, sexuality is everywhere. And yet we separate it, we make it this big deal, and then we take it very seriously. And that’s where the right and wrong thing comes in. There’s no right and wrong and having fun, as there. But there is a right and wrong and something serious. For a lot of the people watching this you’ll also have the concept of lack of experience or lack of good experience. Virginity, very slow or non existent six life, poor performance in the bedroom. This will also add to being taken very seriously, you’ll think that there’s a right and a wrong way to have sex if there’s a good sex life and a bad sex life. And this whole game will create that separation new and sex, you and sexuality. You’ll be comparing to others a lot. You’ll be hearing about other people’s experiences. I mean, one of the downsides to watching porn as you’re watching people that seem to have those wild, abundant, varied, shameless sex life and all you can think of the whole time as that’s not me. Your partner’s previous experiences what your friends brag and lie about the way people seem to interact sexually on movies, none of it will resonate with you or won’t seem like what’s happening for you, and you’ll start to feel different, and this can create sexual shame. You know, I remember in high school guys who just lie about sex all the time, and I believe them. I ended up making up lies myself. And we just know what he’s saying what really happened with men in particular, we also have feminism and how a lot of men have interpreted feminism which isn’t unfair these days. There’s this real fear of crossing the line of consent has made us very scared to act expressing ourselves sexually. We’ve been told that even to show sexuality and desire is somehow abusive. And of course, women have been facing the opposite with misogyny. A woman expresses herself sexually she’s called a sloth. It’s called easy. You know, she holds herself back, she’s cold, frigid, there’s no middle ground, she doesn’t know where to put herself, so she has to lie about it. We’ve got a couple of exercises I want you to do to explore your sexual shame. First off, I wanted to get a piece of paper out and write down everything you can remember about where you learned about sex, who you learn from? And what kind of right and wrong messaging did you get? What religious influences were there? What kind of education did you get about sex on school, both from teachers and from your friends? Or did your parents tell you if anything about it, and other family members, older brothers and such? What do you get from movies? And from stories that you heard? And what do you get from porn? I want you to have a look at anything I haven’t thought of as well, where you learned about sex, what the lessons were and what kind of right and wrong you got. I want you to make a list. It’s right to do this. It’s wrong to do that. And see how you’ve learned about right and wrong being attached to sex and sexuality. So masculinity, femininity, as well as the actual physical act of sex. Once you made that list, I want you to start journaling a bit about what are your current beliefs around sexuality? Especially the ones that give you shame, attraction and desire how Okay, are you with expressing it shamelessly, as soon as it occurs to whomever it occurs with preferences of fetishes? How Okay, are you with telling people what you like sexually what you have passionate and interested in? Do you even know? Were you willing to explore it? Or do you feel repulsed to even think about what you might be into? Beyond like vanilla? Missionary sex? And people that you’re attracted to? Do you feel that you must be attracted to certain people, and you won’t even look at others? For example, I know some people who have racism combined with their sexual shame they’re only allowed to be attracted to certain races. That’s an example. What do you judge other people for? What are you against and disgusted by sexually? Do sexual preferences gross you out you anti homosexuality, for example? Do you find polyamory polyamory disgusting? Somebody has multiple partners? Do you find monogamy disgusting? Do you think it’s wrong to be committed to one person? Do you find a no sex? Disgusting? What? Are you disgusted? But what would you judge your friends for doing? What would you be scared of the authority figures in your life knowing about you sexually? The priests, parents people, you’re attracted to your boss? What are you afraid they’ll find out about you? Even if it’s just thoughts and desires? What do you hide when you’re in the bedroom? Or a doll dysfunction? A desire for a spanking? What won’t you share with your partners and people you’re attracted to? What do you wish could happen that you’d couldn’t even dream of asking for it? I want you to get this all down to develop your picture of what your sexual shame looks like. And then tomorrow, we’re going to have a look at how to fix you.

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Thanks for reading

Hope to speak to you soon

Dan Munro

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