What If No One EVER Liked You

This video is a sample from my course Overcoming Fear of Rejection… Permanently! << Click here to learn more about the course

Most people are afraid of rejection. This leads us to be fake, overly agreeable, and obsessed with what other people think of us.

We’re so certain that being disliked by others is a bad thing that must be avoided. But when’s the last time you actually considered what would really happen if you just let people dislike the real you?

In this video, I explore the concept of being disliked by everyone. Let’s have a look at the idea of total rejection, to see why we’re so afraid of it.

Full transcript

What really started my self development and confidence journey was a simple question. What if no one ever approved of me?

What if no one ever liked me? How was I supposed to have a meaningful and enjoyable life if I couldn’t get validation and love from other people?

At first, this question was hypothetical and afraid, like, what if no one ever likes me? But then I asked it again, in a different tone. So what if no one ever likes me? What would I do about that? And essentially, this question is the beginning of the quest that leads you to the point where you no longer are affected by rejection, or even by other people’s opinions.

True Self Confidence comes from finding the answer to this question. How can you enjoy life if nobody else gives you approval? The question can actually be reframed into one that’s far more productive. How do you get approval from yourself?

Imagine there’s a cup inside you that needs to be filled with approval and validation. You’ve been spending most of your life trying to get other people to fill it for you. And that’s why you’re afraid of rejection. Rejection is their refusal to fill the cup. In fact, it’s the way that they empty the cup and make you feel empty inside. Loneliness is the sensation of the cup being emptied. But what if you could fill it yourself?

Now, unfortunately, this isn’t some quick fix self help scheme, where we just look in the mirror and do positive affirmations and say, Hey, you’re a good person. Because the brain is not going to buy that. It doesn’t buy into that kind of crap. For you to actually approve of yourself, you’re going to have to earn it. Just like you try to earn it with other people.

The good news is, you’ve already been putting in that effort all your life, only you’ve been doing it to impress other people. Now you’re going to change. You’re going to put the effort in but to impress yourself.

So I want to point out to you that the secret to self confidence really is about figuring out how to impress yourself, how to genuinely approve of yourself by witnessing your own behavior and liking what you see. Even if nobody else does.

Take a moment to think of how you try to impress others. How is it that you try to make other people like you? How is it that you try to avoid or prevent rejection? Because in their behavior is the secret to you impressing yourself. What if you treated yourself like somebody that you’re trying to make attracted to you? What if you treated yourself like somebody whose approval you wanted? What if you treated yourself like somebody you love and someone you’re kind towards? These are all behaviors that you’ve been doing to other people.

It’s a very practical question that we’re trying to answer here. What do you do to try and get approval from others? And what would it look like if you did that for yourself instead?

We’re talking about two major changes here. One, changing your behavior to impress yourself rather than others, and two, measuring yourself to give yourself feedback rather than seeking feedback from others. So we’re looking at doing things differently, and measuring things differently. This is really the cure to caring about rejection. In fact, when you get this sorted, when you’re busy seeking your own approval and measuring how much you approve of yourself, other people’s opinions are just going to cease to matter to you, they will no longer be any cause of rejection in your life because nobody can reject you when your cup is full.

In terms of what to do, we’re talking about valued living, we’re talking about living in a way that makes you think, yes, I have integrity. Yes, I’m proud of myself. Yes, that was the right thing to do. We’re not going to go too deep into valued living on this particular course, because that’s kind of a separate topic, that I want you to just start thinking about what is the right thing to do, even if no one else cares. Even if it doesn’t impress anybody else, What do you know you should be doing? What is right for you?

To give you some basic examples, let’s start with health. Eating nutritious food, getting enough sleep and exercise. These are the kinds of things a confident person does when they respect their body. Are you doing those things? Or are you burning yourself out, using up all your energy trying to impress other people? Take the energy back from trying to make other people happy and use it to do your exercise, to go shopping for nutritious food, to learn how to cook healthy meals, and to discipline yourself into doing all those things. Taking care of your body is probably the quickest way forward for self respect. It’s the start.

In your career, your wealth, your mission, whatever you want to call it, doing a job that you love, are you conscientious in the work that you do? Are you trying your best? Are you trying to impress yourself with your performance rather than trying to impress your boss? Are you taking courageous risk taking moves that will thrill you and make you feel proud of yourself? At the end of the day, are you standing up for what’s right, even in the face of possibly losing your job? These are the kinds of things that will make you proud of yourself.

And with your finances. Are you managing your budget diligently? Are you brave enough to look at your spending and bring it down if you’re overspending? Are you tackling your debt in a courageous way? These are the kinds of things that can make you proud of yourself, rather than blowing all your money trying to impress people.

And socializing. And this is where really the biggest change needs to happen. It’s not about not socializing, but socializing for a different reason. When you go out to interact with people, whether it’s hanging out with friends, or working with your colleagues, or going on a date, instead of trying to impress the other person, you need a different reason to be there. And simply put, that reason needs to be to impress yourself.

You can impress yourself with increased honesty, you can say things that you’re scared to say that would impress you. You can say no to people that you usually say yes to just to make them like you. And in fact, the beautiful thing about people pleasing and trying to avoid rejection is that doing the opposite is usually what’s going to impress you. If you usually bow down to people, stand up for yourself. If you usually give lots of compliments and try to be nice so that people think that you’re a pleasurable person, start being more honest with your feedback, start being more critical and more honest.

Start by just kind of doing the opposite of what you usually do, just because you’ll find it scary and therefore thrilling, and that will impress you.

Lastly, we come to measurement. If you’re not journaling every day, get started today. Now journaling isn’t just Dear Diary, a boy was mean to me today. Journaling is a measurement tool. It is an empirical measurement tool. You need to be looking carefully at your behavior and asking yourself, How do you feel about it? Does it align with your core values? Was that the right thing to do? Why did I do it? Why did I do it for that reason? and so on.

What I recommend is that every day you set yourself a goal at the start of the day, here’s the one action I’m going to take to impress myself. Then at the end of the day you measure how that went. Did you do it? Did you do it for the right reasons? How did it go? How do you feel about yourself afterward? What action could you take tomorrow on the foundation of that first action? and so on.

Every day, I’m measuring my own behavior and carefully judging it based on my own standards, nobody else’s. Sometimes I do something that other people are impressed by, but it was the wrong thing to do. I knew it was wrong, in which case their approval doesn’t matter. They’re wrong. I was doing it for the wrong reasons. There’s other times where I do something that a lot of people don’t like me for, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I stood up for what I believed in. And I’m impressing myself when I do that. So it doesn’t matter that they don’t like me, they are wrong again.

So design yourself your own measurement system, where you know whether you did the right or the wrong thing by your own standards, no matter what anyone else’s opinions. And then get into the habit of regularly measuring yourself.

This is like an override, you’re replacing the old system of getting feedback from others to figure out how good you are as a person with a new system, where you get feedback from yourself.

Impress yourself with your behavior, measure yourself by your own judgment system. And within just a few months, you will feel the difference where you no longer care whether or not someone else rejects you. And the main reason for this is remember what we said: nobody ever rejects you, only you reject you. So now you’re going to be unrejecting you. You’re going to be impressing yourself instead, so that you actually like you, so that you’re attracted to your own behavior. And then there’s going to be no inner self rejection. And you’ll realize that there is no rejection at all.

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