I just finished six months of social confidence coaching with young man who’s progress absolutely blew me away.
When we first started he was a shy people-pleaser. Now read about the key insights, actions and results he experienced during 6 intensive months of behavioural change and mindset shifts.
Mind reading is pointless, if you want to know what someone is thinking then talk to them.
Complimenting people is good, keep it honest and simple.
I need to manage my expectations – focus on what I can control (my efforts) and let go of what I can’t (the results). In fact, the effort I take IS the result.
Taking the first step out of the comfort zone is everything. It must be action.
More exposure = more comfort.
There are no rules, only the limitations I have constructed in my head. They’re only rules until I decide to test them.
It’s OK to have painful emotions as long as I express them honestly and clearly.
If I make a mistake, admit it and take responsibility for it, but don’t apologise.
I will always have ‘slips’ away from authenticity. When this happens I need to look for a way to redeem myself and get back on track ASAP.
If I’m honest with someone and they don’t like me because of it, this is simply a sign that I should not pursue a connection with them, as we are not a good fit.
I can’t control other peoples’ reactions.
Focus and deal with one thing at a time, don’t multitask.
There is no gain in worrying about things I can’t control.
Statements are the most powerful way to have a conversation, always aim to switch questions into statements.
I should just do what I do and try my best. Fuck other peoples’ judgments and pressure; comparison with others is not objective and serves no useful purpose.
I have to be a leader and make the first move if I want opportunities. They will not come to me, I must take action to create them.
ACTIONS I TOOK THAT HAD THE MOST POSITIVE IMPACT
Talking to as many strangers and people as possible for as long as I could. Using this as a way to warm up socially every day. Initiating and being persistent, using statements as much as I could.
Complimenting people genuinely without any expectation of reward. Gave me a rush and allowed me to give value and make people feel better without needing recognition for doing it.
Slowing down during conversations.
Actively using models during conversations, such as the Question and Statement Cycle, to enable authentic connections and free-flowing spontaneous conversation.
Honestly expressing emotion, including dark emotions like frustration and anger.
Taking time for myself.
Focusing on powerful body language, making an active effort to move and hold myself confidently.
Living by my values.
Stop gossiping or talking negatively about people behind their backs. Confronting them face to face instead.
RESULTS I’M PROUD OF
I’m more certain about myself and unworried about outcomes, particularly related to other people.
I can’t remember the last time I felt real anxiety.
I just do what I want to do and make it work somehow. I’m not fazed by the unknown. I take care of myself more.
I no longer need to plan the content for a conversation, I can just flow spontaneously and naturally. I can use witty assumptions to be authentically charming and make someone’s day better.
I can create genuine connections that help others feel good.
I now have strong and powerful body language.
I have the courage to approach and generate conversations with complete strangers, any time I want.
I am no longer stuck.
I have the courage to challenge people and call out their bullshit.
I did the coaching; I took a leap of faith and invested in myself. I am so grateful I had the balls to do this.
I learned how to approach big unknown and scary situations, by breaking them down into manageable steps and taking action.
I can deal with uncertainty, both present and future.
RISK MITIGATION FOR THE FUTURE
Risk: Attaching assumptions to situations based on previous experience
Solution: To stop this happening I must keep asking myself “where’s the evidence for my assumption?”
Risk: Lack of action socially.
Solution: Actively invite people to social events and push myself to attend events, every week. Make an active effort to keep increasing my social life. Do lots of different things regularly, stay learning.
Risk: Slipping into dishonesty (e.g. holding back emotional reaction).
Solution: stay aware and recognise when dishonest occurs. When I see it, correct it by being honest or coming clean. Recognise and accept all emotion.
Risk: Getting attached to a people-pleasing identity (e.g. “the guy who works hard”) and approval seeking.
Solution: Do things for the sake of doing them (not for others). Fight the urge to show off, seek constructive feedback instead of easy praise.