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Weeding the Garden: Knowing When Avoid Creating Rapport and When to End Relationships

Full transcript (unedited)

The following video is an
excerpt from my course building

rapport. Going beyond small talk
with authentic communication

skills. If you want to see the
full video or the full course,

check out the link in the
description or comments below.

So in this video, we start to
wrap the course up with talking

about the opposite of building
rapport, breaking rapport, what

I call weeding the garden,
knowing when to avoid creating

rapport and when to end
relationships. That might sound

contradictory almost, but
breaking rapport is as important

as building it. In order for
good relationships to thrive, a

space must be created for them.
That social time that you have

their limited time that you have
each week, cannot be taken up by

weeds, your garden must be clean
and only have healthy plants.

And so knowing when to say no to
a person is as important as

knowing when to say yes, one
minute spent with a bad fit

connection is a minute stolen
from a potential good foot

connection, or at the very least
a minute taken away from you

being by yourself in a healthy
way. building rapport

networking, creating a social
circle doesn’t mean getting

along with everyone. It means
finding the right people for

you. And in order to do that,
you must put effort actively

into excluding the people who
are wrong for you. So if you

think of your social world, like
a garden, you just want these

beautiful flowers and these
delicious vegetables to grow.

And if any of you have ever done
gardening, you know what weeds

do to the garden, they take up
space, they drain resources,

they make the soil less
nutritious. Weeding is an

incredibly important part of
gardening. If you don’t do it,

you will not have a healthy
garden. While the same thing

applies to socializing, you must
protect your current connections

and potential future connections
by eliminating bad fit

connections. Now, just because
someone’s wrong for you doesn’t

necessarily mean that they’re
bad as a person, though, that

can also mean that you’re not
judging the Fuller’s bad people,

you just say you’re not right
for me. And you’re not ideal for

me even. So somebody might be
okay for you. But that’s not

good enough. We’re looking for
hell yes, type people. So people

that improve your life, don’t
people that it is glorious to be

in the company of they make you
a better person, not just

someone who is okay to be
around, and certainly not

someone who abuses you. So I’ve
got a task for you. It’s quite a

difficult task. Not that it’s
complicated. But it can be

emotionally hard to do this
task. You make a list of all the

people you spend time with
anybody you see more than once a

month, your work made your
family and friends, other people

you associate with. And you give
them a simple rating, ask

yourself a question. The
spending time with this person,

make me feel like my life is
better, and doesn’t encourage me

to be my most authentic and best
self. So does this person make

me the best version of me? Do
they bring that out of me? And

the answer is definitely, or
something else. Maybe not all

the time only sometimes not at
all, they actually hurt me being

around them makes me anxious. So
if they are not a Hell, yes,

they make me a better person and
my life gets better being in

their presence. In there are no,
there are a weed that needs to

be taken out of the garden. When
we look at as there are 8

billion people roughly on this
earth, it is less effort to

search for and create a good
connection with a good fit

person than it is to fix a bad
connection with a bad fit

person. Because that’s next to
impossible. And even if it can

be done, it still takes so much
more effort than just finding

someone who’s a good fit for you
right from the beginning. It is

better to be lonely for a period
of time, while you have high

standards about who you bring
into your life and how they

affect you than it is to just
surround yourself and fill up

the space with anybody you can
find and actually prevents the

opportunity to create good
connections because your social

calendar is full of junk
connections. And of course for

the obviously abusive
relationships, people who

manipulate you people who you
come away from feeling worse

about yourself, people who
discourage you actively people

who harm you physically or
emotionally. People who betray

your trust people who are
dishonest with you, people who

insult you or embarrass you in
front of others or try to

control you or make you feel bad
and guilt trip you about your

life. All of these people.
There’s no good reason to keep

them in your life. You only do
so out of fear and out of

scarcity mindset out of taking
whatever you can get because you

don’t think highly of yourself.
Well, you’re not going to think

highly of yourself. You’re not
going to find healthy

connections until you get rid of
these ones. So however it needs

to be done, the contact with
these people needs to be

eliminated, or at the very least
minimized as much as humanly

possible. If right now you have
a toxic boss, and you absolutely

can’t find a new job, which I
don’t believe, at least do not

spend any more time with their
boss, then you absolutely must

keep your job. If you have toxic
family members only go there for

Christmas and Thanksgiving and
just do not spend any more time

with them, you know, really
minimize the contact, because

every minute spent with them as
a minute the harms your life,

and prevents other
opportunities, there’s an

opportunity cost. And spending
time with unhealthy abusive

people, someone’s abusive, you
just cut them off, you don’t try

to explain things to them, you
don’t try to change them,

there’s no point, you just run
and hide until they give up, you

block off potential connections.
You ignore them, he does miss

them, you ghost them until they
find new prey. Right Do not

bother to try and change them do
not rather try and explain

yourself or justify or defend
yourself. Because all you’re

doing is allowing them to spend
more minutes with you and it

does not serve any healthy
purpose. Even confronting an

abusive person is not
necessarily helpful for you,

they can be helpful to do it
once to prove to yourself that

you have the courage to do it.
But once you’ve done that any

further confrontations are just
a waste of your time. Speak your

mind, cut them off, make it
impossible for them to contact

you and move on as best you can.
And it doesn’t matter if they

have kind of good reasons for
doing it. Like maybe they were

abused themselves. Or maybe you
had some part in the

relationship where you weren’t
so kind to them and so on

doesn’t matter, you’re not a
good fit for each other doesn’t

matter why. All that matters is
what you’re good fit for each

other. No, you’re not. Are there
other people who out there who

would be yes, gates closed, go
find those other people need to

slowly build up the courage
through practice, learning how

to tell someone that you do not
want to spend any more time with

them. This applies to just a
single conversation with a new

person who you don’t really like
through to a long term

relationship with someone that
needs to end and everything in

between. One way to do it to
make yourself more comfortable

is rather than talking about
them as being a bad person, talk

about the connection you have
with each other as not working.

So you’re not really implying
that there’s something wrong

with them. I mean, even if they
are a manipulative narcissist,

they might actually have a good
connection with someone else.

They’re not objectively
impossible to connect with. But

they don’t connect well with
you. And that’s the part to talk

about where you meet in the
middle, they’re not working. So

you focus on that part, you can
keep this away from being a

personal attack on the other
person, I’ll give you some

examples of how you might say
this, I can tell we’re not

really a good fit for each
other. So let’s just end it

here. Rather than dragging it
out, you seem like a pretty good

person, but you’re not on the
same wavelength as me, I think

we’d be better off finding our
own kind of people. Whenever you

and I are together, we end up in
a conflict. And this is just not

what happens in a healthy
connection. So we’re just not

meant to be together. And this
needs to end today. If you want

to be really bold, you’re gonna
have to say things like, I don’t

like you, let’s not spend any
more time together. Or perhaps I

don’t like the way I feel around
you. So I think we’re done. And

you can just walk away, you
don’t need to try and explain

this or make them understand or
even allow them to convince you

that you’re wrong. If this was
an ideal fit for you, if this

was a good person for you, it
wouldn’t have come to this

wouldn’t have come to this level
of kind of conflict in dispute,

when somebody’s ideal for you.
And they’re really good

connection, that kind of person
you would build great rapport

with. You don’t need to worry
about having this conversation.

It just doesn’t come up. You may
have conflicts, you certainly

have disagreements, you have
different preferences, that you

won’t get to the point where
like being around this person

hurts my life hurts who I am
generally an ideal fit for you,

you’ll have conflicts and those
conflicts will make you a better

person will make you think about
a different perspective. It’ll

challenge some of your harmful
behavior patterns and so on.

That’s fine. Just because
someone disagrees with you

doesn’t mean they’re a bad fit.
But if been around someone makes

you feel bad about yourself, and
you don’t look forward to

spending time with them. And
they just don’t treat you with

respect and kindness. And they
don’t listen to you and so on.

They just end it. When you get
good at ending things. You’re

going to have super confidence
socially speaking, it makes it

easier to build rapport when you
know you can break it because

you can take greater risks in
opening up and being vulnerable

when you’re building rapport.
Because you don’t have to worry

as we talked about in the
previous video about getting

trapped in a commitment that you
can’t get out of if you know

that you can break commitments
and get out of things no matter

how good it’s been going up
until now if you realize oh my

god, I made a mistake. This
person is terrible for me, and

you can end it the second you
make that realization. Then

you’ll be safe socially for
risked your life so it’s worth

the effort Thank you for
watching if you enjoyed this

video please get in touch
dan@brojo.org When talk about

building your social connection
skills

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