The weird urge for Nice Guys to self harm

A weird part of Nice Guy Syndrome is what I call “the masochism impulse”; the desire to do self harm.

Now it’s not classic self-harm behaviours, like cutting yourself or attempting suicide. It’s more subtle, like random risk-taking behaviours, provoking potential conflicts, sabotaging your career, or eating unhealthy food and taking drugs.

I used to drink so much that it damaged my liver. I would do bizarre things that’d ruin my chances with a girl I was interested in. I’d leave my Uni assignments until the last minute. I’d bump into big guys in nightclubs as if to provoke them.

All while being completely unaware that I was doing these things deliberately.

It’s a way of punishing yourself. This self-harm impulse comes from two main drives as far as I can see.

Firstly is suppressed anger. All nice guys suppress their anger and it has to go somewhere, so eventually it turns on them and tries to hurt them because it’s got to hurt something.

And the second one is the not good enough belief system; this idea that I’m a bad person and therefore I deserve punishment, and it just feels right if I’m being treated poorly.

Once you identify these key drivers, it’ll make a lot of your crazy behaviour make more sense.

For more on this topic, check out my podcast “Why You Think You’re a Loser (How to Stop Feeling Not Good Enough)”: 

One Response

  1. The first step is to identify your self-harming behaviours. The next step is to simply stop doing them!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


Confidence | Clarity | Connection

No more people-pleasing, Nice Guy Syndrome, or confidence issues.

The BROJO community will make sure you achieve your goals and build your self-worth with the support of members and coaches from all over the world.