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The week’s best posts – 10 Oct 2022

Below is a collection of the most popular posts from my various social media sites, ICYMI;


On haters…

The first time I ever received any version of hate-mail via the internet (since becoming a coach) was when I did a post about Nice Guy Syndrome and some random guy commented “Bullshit!” underneath it.
Up until this point I’d only ever received either positive feedback or helpful and thoughtful suggestions. I’d never seen such a random, blunt and negative reaction like that before (this was to be the first of many over the years).
At first, I felt shocked and took it seriously. I reviewed the content I’d posted to see how it was offensive or factually inaccurate. I couldn’t see anything obvious, so I replied to the guy’s comment, asking for clarification.
It went downhill from there..
I won’t bother with details, but let’s just say he was one sandwich short of a picnic. Every response I got from him made less sense than the last, and was just full of negative hatred and crazy ranting. Confused, I wasted a good 20min of my day interacting with him before finally realising it was pointless.
Later, upon reviewing how I’d used up so much energy on this nutter, I asked myself a question that caused me an epiphany:
“Who is this guy, really?”
I pondered what kind of person writes these things. I realised that when someone says something nasty or critical in any situation, they are doing so for one of only two reasons.
1, They literally have nothing better to do – this is the most valuable use of their time available, or
2, They have more valuable things they could do but chose to do this instead.
How valuable is nasty criticism? I’d argue: not at all. Complete silence is worth more.
So they’re either someone who’s life is so terrible that the BEST use of their time is to be a dick to someone else, OR they’re someone who’s decision-making abilities are so poor that they choose being a dick over more constructive activities, like being a supportive friend, or doing a hobby, or enjoying a nice walk, or basic kindness.
LESSON:
Before you react to someone’s criticism or hatred, take a breath and ask yourself: Who is this person?
You’ll soon realise that unless you specifically asked this person for negative feedback then they are probably just lashing out in pain because their own life sucks so much that they actually prioritise being mean as a valuable use of their time.
You won’t see self-confident people wasting their time writing nasty comments or criticising people.
Being mean to someone is about the most harmful thing you can do before you actually break the law and commit a crime. So this person giving you “feedback” is someone who found the nastiest thing they could do without getting into trouble – they’re like a criminal only more cowardly!
Is that someone worth investing energy into?

 


On trauma…

People often look to their childhood to figure out why they lack confidence and struggle with things like relationships and motivation.
And while the wounds may have been inflicted way back then, I have found in my clients that without exception, the real damage is being done NOW.
A clear way to see this is to imagine what it would be like if you treated someone else the way you treat yourself.
Every time you keep a truth to yourself, it’s the equivalent of telling someone else to shut up because their ideas are worthless.
Every time you fail to be disciplined, using the excuse of “I don’t feel like it”, it’s the equivalent of discouraging someone else from doing what is right for them.
Every time you accept disrespectful treatment from someone without standing up for yourself, it’s the equivalent of standing by quietly while someone else gets bullied and abused.
Every time you eat non-nutritious food or drink alcohol, it’s the equivalent of deliberately poisoning someone else.
If you treated someone else the way you treat yourself, would it be called “love and respect” or would it be called “bullying and abuse”?
THAT’S why you feel the way you do about yourself.
And if you can see this clearly and yet CONTINUE to do it, then you are a masochist who wants to self-harm.

 


On beliefs…

I knew this kid in primary (elementary) school who was a mad electronics geek.
His parents told him off for playing with light switches, saying that turning the light on and off repeatedly “wore out the bulbs quicker”.
So we get given a science fair assignment, and this kid does a simple test where he has one bulb burning constantly set against another bulb that’s flicking on and off rapidly like a strobelight.
The control bulb that stayed on burned out WAY before the strobe, which was still going by the time we had the science fair. For all I know, it’s still flicking away to this day.
Lesson here: many MANY times your parents made up total bullshit to control your behaviour for their own convenience, leading you to believe that all sorts of behaviours are harmful when not only are they not harmful but they may even be better than the alternative.
Just because you’ve believed something your whole life doesn’t make it true.
What examples do you guys have of a childhood lie that you later discovered was bullshit?
I personally found out that carrots don’t really improve your eyesight all that much; you don’t need a set bedtime to be healthy; not all kids have to do 2 hours homework every night; and TV doesn’t make your eyes square.

 


On emotions…

It’s not your emotions’ fault
When I’m first coaching someone and I ask them about why they’re struggling with their relationships or career or whatever it is, more times than not they will blame their emotions at some point.
Often, anxiety gets the blame, or fear. Sometimes anger. Sometimes confusion. And after a few sessions, shame is often pointed at as the culprit.
Apparently, these emotions hold us back. They get in the way and make life more difficult, or even outright impossible!
“I’m too anxious to talk to girls!”
“I’m too scared to stand up to my boss!”
“My shame destroys my motivation to change!”
It all sounds very believable… except there’s a slight problem with this type of blame, and that problem is the nature of emotions:
Emotions are a reaction.
That’s right, first something else happens, and then emotion arises as a response. Emotion is not the cause, it is the effect.
Blaming your emotions for causing your issues is like blaming your black eye for getting punched in the face. It’s completely backwards and actually makes no sense at all.
But of course it feels like it makes sense. These emotions are right there when the bad thing happens, and they always seem to be there when the bad things happen, therefore they must cause bad things, right?!
Remember, correlation is not causation. Just because something consistently happens at the same time as another thing, it doesn’t automatically mean that it causes the other thing.
Without exception, when I coach someone long enough, we clearly begin to see that the emotion arises in reaction to something else first. So even if you’re nervous before you confront your wife, the quality of confrontation is not diminished by your nervousness, but by what caused the nervousness in the first place: your BELIEFS.
Beliefs are where the finger should be pointed. Your emotions are actually trying to help you see the limiting and harmful beliefs you have.
If you’re scared of confronting your boss, it’s because you have an inaccurate belief about confrontations leading to career destruction, or a belief that being flustered in front of others will lead to some devastating loss of some kind.
If you’re confused when trying to speak to someone you’re attracted to, it’s because your beliefs demand impossible standards of you, or they lie to you that someone is worth more than you when they’re attractive.
If you’re angry about your child talking back to you, it’s because your beliefs have unreasonably convinced you to take the emotions of a child personally, or have tricked you into thinking that aggression helps calm children down.
Listen to your emotions instead of fighting them. It’s a skill that can be learned. DM me if you’d like me to show you.

 


Dan’s Top Resources

Books

Dan has 3 bestselling non-fiction books available in both written and audio form:

  • The Naked Truth, his latest release, shows you how radical honesty builds self-confidence and relationships
  • Nothing to Lose explores how to build confidence from the inside by correcting the programming in your brain
  • The Legendary Life is a very practical, action-focused guide on how to plan and execute a life plan that brings you your ideal lifestyle

Online courses

Dan continues to put out high quality online self-paced courses through the Udemy platform

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