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The Top Causes of Shame

This is an excerpt from my  course: Shamelessness: Develop Unbreakable Social Confidence

There is only one emotional state that you cannot feel confident during: shame.

Shame is the sense that there is something wrong with you. It’s more than guilt, which is specific to a behaviour. Shame is about who you are as a person.

In this video, we explore what shame is and where it comes from. We challenge the programming and conditioning that has led most of us to think there’s something wrong with us.

 


 

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Full transcript (unedited)

You’re about to watch a video. That’s an excerpt of one of my online courses free sample, if you will. If you enjoy it, please get in touch dan@brojo.org Let me know what you think. So before we can be sure of how to deal with shame, we need to know where it comes from what creates shame. As I mentioned in the previous video, it usually begins externally, there’s some sort of prompt from the outside world, that a truth about you might be wrong or bad or inappropriate in some way. And this can be quite direct from other people criticism, bullying, opinions, being mistreated or abused for being a certain way or for behaving in a certain way, being punished for doing certain things, or being told directly by other people what is raised from wrong, this can also be done through laws and the 10 commandments of the church and the rules of your social group. There’ll be a lot of other people telling you what is right and wrong, and punishing you or rewarding you for certain behaviors, even being rewarded for something that isn’t true to you create shame about what’s true to you. So if I’m rewarded for being happy all the time, even though I’m faking it, I’m indirectly building up shame about being sad or angry, because that doesn’t get any rewards. Of course, this can also be indirect from the outside world, it can be from watching movies, or watching the children’s programs or books when you’re growing up, overhearing other people’s conversations, watching other people be punished for their behavior that you align with, and so on. So you pick up all these rules and ideas from other people, indirectly without being involved and start to create assessments about what’s right or wrong about yourself. But that’s just the seed that is planted. And whether or not that seed grows into shame actually depends on what you do next. And what you do next, is choose to be honest or dishonest about this truth. And that’s what really creates shame. Somebody else says it’s wrong, which is actually a question to you, is this wrong? And you say yes, with dishonesty, or no with honesty. So if someone tells me it’s wrong, to post my political ideas on Facebook, my next move decides whether or not I’ll feel ashamed of it. If I then go and post my political ideas on Facebook, I will be shameless. If I then hold back the thing I wanted to post because this other person said it was wrong, which is an act of dishonesty, I will become ashamed of my political views, or at least of the act of expressing them. And that is where the seed is fertilized and grows into shame. People are going to tell you, there’s something wrong with you all your life. Whether or not that grows into something is going to depend on how you react to that. Are you honest about it, and let it be seen anyway, even though you know, you’ll be judged? Or do you hide it to avoid that judgment, because when you hide it, you create shame, gotta understand that shame is outcome seeking. By being ashamed by hiding truths about yourself, you’re trying to achieve a certain outcome? Or might be better explained by saying you’re trying to avoid a certain consequence? Either way, that is to get the opposite outcome. So you got to start thinking, what is the outcome you’re trying to get or avoid here? Is that approval? Is it fitting in? Is it just comfortable emotions? What’s your drug, because the drug that you’re seeking, that drives you to be dishonest in the first place to create that shame. If you can give up that drug, if you can break your addiction to it, you can break the pattern of creating shame, which means you can build your confidence. To get a sense of this notice something about yourself that is true, that You’re shameless about but other people disapprove. So for example, I’m really into heavy metal music. And a lot of people disapprove of that. I get a lot of wrong type feedback on there. But I don’t give a fuck. I still listen to my music. I played in a metal band for a long time. I never hide the fact that I’m into Misal. The closest I come to being ashamed of it is if I’m in a car full of people, I won’t play it because they’re just going to complain too much. But I don’t feel any shame emotionally about that. I’m kind of just being considerate. But even that is a slight act of shame. Overall, however, I don’t care if you judge me for liking metal. What’s your version of that? What do you have about yourself that you know gets negative judgment be like fuck it, I don’t care. I know it’s right. Find that one thing even if it is only one thing that you’ll stand by even in the face of disapproval. Now take that and compare it with something you hide because somebody disapproves of it, because you you are afraid that somebody will disapprove of it. Like maybe you got them and boobs going. And so you always wear a t shirt when you’re at the beach. So you’re totally fine with people knowing that you’re into heavy metal music. But God forbid you let strangers see your segments. Notice the difference, they just two things that are true about you. A love of heavy metal music, a little bit of extra fat around the chest area. For one of these things you like Bucky, I don’t care if you see it. And another one you like, oh my god, I can’t get caught. So one of them you’ve been honest about and the other you’ve been dishonest about and what I want you to notice is the connection. Shame is always connected with dishonesty and hiding. shamelessness is always connected with honesty and transparency. That is not a coincidence. That is in fact, the formula. If you take honesty and apply it to the shameful area, it will become shameless not immediately, but over time. And the opposite is also true. If you start hiding something, you will become ashamed of it. Notice that the uncomfortable emotions that we associate with shame, guilt, and anger and depression, anxiety only arise with the things that you hide. It’s only in those moments where you have to hide them and you’re worried about being caught that all those uncomfortable emotions come up. The situation where you don’t hide anything, those emotions never really come up. There might occasionally be anger, if somebody’s to confrontation about something you stand up for. But generally, if you’re cool with something, you literally feel cool with it all the time. You don’t have those uncomfortable emotions. The key to get into a constant state of feeling cool about who you are, is to be honest about it until it feels that way until the emotions are worn out and used up and they no longer occur. But the main point for this video to keep in mind, shame is created by dishonesty, the full confidence is built by being honest about what you’re ashamed of.

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Thanks for reading

Hope to speak to you soon

Dan Munro

 

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