Let’s start with a steelman here (support the argument for Mens Rights Advocates): why do MRA’s exist in the first place, and what are their intentions (or at least what were the intentions of the original MRA’s)?
In many western countries, particularly in the USA, Canada and UK, men have a hard time in the Family Court system.
Women are more likely to be granted custody of their children, without any reference to merit or ability to provide. Women are more likely to get favourable outcomes in a divorce settlement. Women are more likely to be believed in a legal case where he said/she said hearsay evidence is all they have to work with to resolve a conflict, e.g. domestic violence, sexual abuse etc.
These are facts. At least, for these western countries (i.e. there’s not much demand for MRA’s in places like Iraq). By the way, as this is mostly an opinion piece I couldn’t be bothered citing these facts, but a quick Google search will help you verify this information.
As feminism crested through the various first, second and third waves, we started to see a turnaround, especially legally but also culturally, of the kind of deal each gender was receiving from society at large. At some point, the tables turned. It can now be argued that, legally and culturally speaking, it’s probably nicer to be an average woman than it is to be an average man.
Women and girls are now doing better than men in most quality of life categories, including health, education, sexual options… you name it. Men are doing worse in the most harmful categories, such as workplace injuries, suicide rates, and homelessness. Even the argument for pay inequality falls apart when you remove the top 1% of men at the top and look at the average man instead.
In many (but not all) western countries, it’s better to be a woman. That is a fair, factual argument put forth by MRA’s and groups and communities along a similar theme (e.g. the Red Pill and MGTOW forums).
So why would I – a confidence coach whose audience is mostly men suffering from such ills – be against Mens Rights Advocates and groups like Red Pill and MGTOW?
Well, for the exact same reason I have a problem with modern third wave feminism: they create victims.
I see this for all the major arbitrary categories of people we create. Whether it’s Black Lives Matter, or MRA’s, or feminists, or trans activists, there’s a concerning theme where two things happen.
Firstly, the advocates are self-appointed. There is no democratic process by which they are elected as the spokespeople of the group they represent. Indeed, it seems more like they appoint themselves and then identify the existence of the group. For the most part, they are just clever marketers aimed at further their own individual status and success.
MRA’s were the first ones to tell us that western men were now a group of victims that needed defending. Feminists said the same thing to women. BLM said it to modern African-Americans. And so on. Self-appointed officials have a consistent tendency to have their own needs front and centre while virtue-signalling that they care for the larger group.
Secondly, the message is all about victimhood. The emphasis is on what you don’t have and what’s been taken from you and why it’s unfair. Very little effort is given toward messaging about responsibility for your own success, and the virtues of struggling through resistance and obstacles. This gives the group the impression that it’s someone else’s job to fix these problems.
MRA’s have men believing that their personal suffering comes from an outside source (society, and more specifically, the feminization of society). A man who’s struggled through divorce and an unsatisfying job and poor health is told that it’s not his fault. The message is clear: you shouldn’t have to do anything about this.
The MRA group MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) is a classic example of this. Their lead message is simple: if life gives you lemons, say “Fuck the lemons” and bail. As it’s not your fault, it’s not your job. And as it’s not your job, you should just quit. Literally, go your own way. Don’t participate. Don’t commit. Don’t be loyal. Don’t join in. Don’t play the game.
My first inkling that something was wrong in these MRA-based groups and communities was that I saw little evidence of any truly confident and successful men within them. Sure, there were some leaders and influencers at the top of these groups who had measurable results in certain areas, but whenever I dug deep I found such obvious evidence of severe psychological insecurities that remained unresolved. They were grandiose and narcissistic, or they were cult-leader-like and more interested in winning the argument than being accurate, or they couldn’t maintain healthy relationships, or they were in legal trouble for clearly criminal behaviour (usually fraud).
A better solution
I would say to any woman: feminism will not save you. In fact, it is poison. If you want a better life, then you need to create one for yourself regardless of the obstacles. Work around them, blast through them, sneak under them – do whatever you gotta do. Make yourself into such a strong and powerful woman that the societal restrictions placed on other women simply won’t apply to you.
I say the same thing to any man.
You don’t need someone to advocate for your rights. You don’t have rights. No one really does. Rights – legal, cultural, familial, religious or otherwise – are a fiction. Anyone at “the top” can deprive you of your so-called rights any time they see fit, and this has always been the case in human society and there’s no reason to think this will ever change. The revolutionaries always become the new dictators. The wheel always turns.
Instead, you can take a shorter path: become a man who doesn’t need rights. Become a man so powerful that he would only ever attract the healthy and confident type of women who wouldn’t dream of betraying or hurting him. Become the man so boldly creative that he provides resources for himself and his family on his own terms and without anyone else holding the guillotine over his livelihood. Become the man who’s so disciplined in maintaining his mental and physical health that he wrecks the statistics!
MRA’s can’t protect you. They might get a law changed here or there, or get some gradual increase in public sympathy for you over time, but all it takes is bad luck and bad bureaucracy and bad timing and you’re done. An MRA can’t make you less fragile. In fact, all they do is seduce you into believing you’re a victim, which makes you incredibly fragile and easily destroyed.
The hard truth (the REAL red pill)
You know why so many America men get divorce raped? It’s not because of an unfair legal system. It’s the end result of a process they started. It’s because they lacked the self-worth to choose a good partner. It’s because they lacked the balls to demand a prenuptial agreement (and chose a woman where one was needed). It’s because they bowed down to pressure from family and friends to get married and have kids without deciding for themselves what is right for them.
No MRA can save you from your own naivety, weaknesses, cowardice, or lack of integrity.
But if you build yourself into a strong, confident and powerful man, one who’s willing to be alone if no one likes him for who he is; one who’s willing to lose face and reputation to stand by his principles; one who’s willing to do what’s right rather than take the easy way out; then you’ll never need an advocate.
For all this talk of sigma males and alpha males and all that shit, what I find incredible is that nearly every high profile man who is looked up to by MRAs and their communities – guys like Joe Rogan, Jordan Peterson, Denzel Washington – are all monogamously married under the same laws the MRAs are terrified of.
As for the other influencers who the more fringe members like to worship, guys like Andrew Tate and Donald Trump, there’s clear evidence that those guys generally end up crashing and burning, or are otherwise severely psychologically disordered.
Complaining that society is against you and feminism is evil is just you taking the easy way out. It’s a way of being irresponsible and denying the need for your own development. It’s like an obese person complaining about McDonald’s marketing instead of accepting that they need to start eating more salad.
If you’ve been mistreated by women, it’s because you have self-respect issues and social skill problems. You found the worst women because that’s the best you could do. Women aren’t the problem, it’s that you just could only attract the problem-women. Any divorce-type legal issues you faced later were merely an extrapolation of the original problems.
It was always you.
This doesn’t mean that you’re to blame for your lack of skills or knowledge. But it does mean that it’s your job to do something about yourself.
This is GOOD news! It means you’ve had the power all along. You could choose differently. You could address your psychological damage. You could increase your skills. You can build your confidence.
YOU can do The Work so that bad things don’t happen to you like they do to other guys. And unlike MGTOW, you don’t have to cower away from taking risks. You can become a man for whom these aren’t really risks at all.
I’m lucky. If I’d made the mistake of getting married in my early twenties, I would have definitely chosen the kind of woman who would eventually divorce-rape me. As an incel back then, I was simply “fortunate” enough to repel any woman who might get close enough to hurt me.
By the time I did get married, I had no fear of what a wife could do to me. I knew my worth and was willing to be alone forever rather than settle or succumb to pressure. I chose my wife carefully, and knew that I’d chosen a women for whom betrayal and vengeful fucking over were simply not a consideration. She was above that kind of behaviour, as are many other women. Put it this way: I didn’t have to resort to Tinder to find my partners.
But I had to develop into a man worthy of a woman like that. I had to face myself in the mirror and realise that I was the problem, and no one else could solve it for me. No one else could protect me from my own deficiencies. There was no legal or cultural change that could make me a better person. I was a traumatised weak and passive man with Nice Guy Syndrome, fear of conflict, and an avoidant attachment style. Society couldn’t fix that for me. But I could.
So I did The Work. It took many years, and thousands of heartbreaking failures, relapses, losses, and rejections. SO MANY REJECTIONS!
But when I stopped trying to find someone else to blame, and instead focused on becoming a man who didn’t need to blame anyone, a man who took responsibility for his own bullshit, I discovered that there is an elevated place, hidden in the stratosphere of society, where the rules no longer apply.
I don’t need to worry about my legal rights anymore, because no one fucks with me (or when they do I can catch it early and just move on mostly unaffected).
I don’t need to worry about my workplace rights anymore, because I’m an entrepreneur that can easily pivot to different countries and rebuild any time I need to.
I don’t need to worry about my marriage rights, because not only am I married to a woman who is my partner in all things and who has proven consistently that her investment in our future together will survive anything (we’ve been through hard times for sure), even if I’m wrong about her, I now have the mental strength to survive, adapt and grow through any devastating setback.
I’m not special.
YOU can become like this. Like anyone can get a black belt in martial arts if they’re willing to do The Work, you too can become confident and powerful enough to let go of the need to blame and the desire to have an advocate protect you from the big bad world.
Become your own advocate. Protect yourself. Build yourself into someone who can’t be destroyed.
Or keep bitching about how unfair the world is alongside all the other victims and watch as nothing improves in your life no matter how angry you get.
I will give you any of my online video courses completely for free if you’re willing to do the work. Email email@example.com with which course you want and I’ll email you a coupon