Dan Munro outlines his Philosophy of Integrity in full for the first time.

This philosophy emphasizes individual self-discovery and the absence of rigid rules. Integrity is defined as consistency and honesty, while confidence is described as a deep-seated belief in oneself. The philosophy posits that increasing integrity leads to greater confidence and a better life.

Munro identifies core values as subjective principles guiding your behavior in a way that will improve your confidence and the lives of those around you, such as honesty, courage, and responsibility. He stresses the importance of aligning your everyday actions with your values, continuous adaptation of your values, and the rejection of instant gratification for long-term benefits.

Munro also highlights the influence of various philosophers and thinkers on this philosophy.

At the end, you will get a step by step practical guide for living by with integrity:

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Full transcript (unedited)

The Philosophy of Integrity: Finding the Meaning of Life Through Confidence Building

Introducing the Philosophy of Integrity: An Overview of a 20-Year Journey

Welcome back to Brojo Online. Today I’m going to outline the philosophy of integrity. It’s a philosophy I’ve been working on for nearly 20 years and I think this is the first time I’m going to lay it all out in one big go. Now while this philosophy contains the wisdom of many others, it’s in fact a synergy of information that I’ve received from so many different sources throughout the years, it’s unique in one clear aspect that I think separates it from nearly every other philosophy and religion I’ve ever heard of, and I say nearly just because I can’t think of any that are the same as this, and that one aspect is the individual is trusted to come up with the philosophy himself.

And what I mean is that there are no rules dictated as to how someone must live to qualify as living by this philosophy, there’s no four virtues of stoicism or ten commandments of the church or anything like that. It’s subjective. The person decides for themselves the right way to live. The whole philosophy is designed to guide the individual to figure things out for themselves rather than to tell them how to be. And as far as I know, there’s no other ideology or framework I’ve ever heard of that lets you figure it out for yourself. So I’m going to break this down into the what, the why, and the how, and try to outline the whole thing from there. Let’s start with some core definitions.

The first is the word integrity. Integrity generally means something being together, consistent, whole, many pieces functioning as one without being shattered or broken, compartmentalized. It’s about being congruent and it’s also about honesty. There’s truthfulness. What is happening aligns with what is true. So you’ve got togetherness and truthfulness. And pretty much any dictionary definition you look up with the word integrity, you get those two elements together, honesty and integral, being of together.

Another key word that we’re going to use a lot is confidence. Now this is an important one to define because a lot of people think of confidence as a feeling, the kind of temporary feeling that you get from being good at something. So generally when people say somebody’s confident, it means that that person feels good right now because they are dominant skill-wise, that they’re good at what they’re doing and they feel good about that. That is not what I mean by confidence and it’s certainly not the definition we’ll be using in this philosophy. Confidence is an internal deep-seated belief. It is where you love who you are and you treat yourself as someone you love.

You trust yourself to handle the future even if you’re not good at it, even if you’re unskilled and incompetent, you still trust yourself to get through those difficult confusing situations. You’re shameless or as close to it as humanly possible. There’s nothing you think is inherently wrong with you. While you will identify areas for improvement, you don’t at the same time think of them as some shameful wrongness. You have no guilt about those things. You just see them as areas for development, for your own amusement. You wouldn’t trade places with anyone else in the world. As far as you’re concerned, this guy’s the guy you want to be seeing all the way through to the finish line. You’re invested in who you are.

You’re invested in your own success. You’re invested in making the most of your own life. You are impressed consistently by your own actions.That kind of feeling you get when you admire or respect someone else, you get that feeling from witnessing your own behavior. This is a mixture of behaving in the right way according to your principles and values, which we’ll talk about in a minute, but also measuring yourself in a fair and accurate way so that you have a fair and accurate assessment of yourself. So it’s no good living by your values and then being unfair to yourself in the measurement and hating yourself there. It’s a combination of acting and measuring to create a confident self-image. And you are detached from the opinions of others and the results that you get externally in the short term. These are only good for a bit of feedback about your methodology, nothing more.

If somebody else doesn’t like you, that is not a measurement of your self-worth. If something you tried failed, that is not a measurement of your self-worth. These, if nothing else, are just technique alterations that need to be made. But your feedback on how good you are as a person comes only from yourself. And the last definition we’ll cover for today is what it means to have a better life. Simply put, is you feel that you enjoy being you more than you did before. That is the improvement of your life. Your quality of life goes up. And it’s not so much that the external goes up.

You’ll go up and down with your external all the time. Sometimes things will go in your favor, sometimes they won’t, no matter how skilled you are. It’s not about the results you’re getting, but how you feel about the guy who’s doing these things. It’s about how you feel about you. If that is constantly on the way up, if you admire yourself more than you once did, if you respect yourself more than you once did, if you would recommend you to others where before you wouldn’t, that’s what we’d say is a better life. You are improving your life. You are improving you. The reason I give you those three definitions is because those are the fundamental elements of the philosophy.

The Simple Formula for a Better Life: How Integrity, Confidence, and a Better Life Are Connected

So the philosophy’s basic premise is more integrity equals more confidence, which equals a better life.

It’s a very simple formula. You dial up integrity, that will dial up your confidence, which creates a better you. Very simple. And that’s the only thing you need to remember in terms of this philosophy. You’re just constantly dialing everything up. There is no limit to how much it can be dialed up, and you can always slip backwards. So it’s constantly dialing it up. Now, integrity itself is the accumulation, the compounding effect of your core values. These are just the words we’re going to use to describe the elements of this philosophy. Now, some people have different meaning for the word values, and some people would use the word virtues or principles.

In this philosophy, values are things that you live by, a kind of guiding set of morality principles that all support each other and never are in conflict. You cannot live by one value and hurt another value. They’re actually all kind of the same thing, like facets of a diamond. You spin the diamond around, you see different sides of it, but you’re always really seeing the same diamond. So if you take that core idea of integrity, the values are the application of that integrity in context. So right now, my integrity might be asking me to be honest and bold. And later on, when my child is crying, my integrity might ask me to be compassionate and patient. Now, these are not in conflict with each other. These are the same thing happening in different contexts. I’m responding to my environment and to my immediate needs, to what’s best for my long-term future. And that response is always going to depend on what’s happening right now.

So your integrity, the parts that make up the whole, are your core values. And we’re going to talk a bit more about what core values are, but essentially, these are the principles that you live by, that if you live by them, you notice your confidence goes up and you have a better life. Again, it’s very easy to figure out if you’ve landed on a core value or something else, because it either works or it doesn’t.

Now, a lot of people use the word value to describe things that don’t actually relate to this philosophy. Somebody might say they value money, for example, but money is not an element of you. Money is an external result. So when we say values under the philosophy of integrity, we’re not talking about anything external, so to speak. We’re not talking about any results or outcomes that are dependent on anything else other than your own decision-making. We’re also not talking about things and people. So somebody might say they value family, but in order to value family, you have to have a family. It’s dependent on who’s in your life and the cards you’ve been dealt. The principles we’re talking about, the values, are things that every person can have no matter their situation. So a person with no family can still have values. A person in prison can have values. A rich man and a poor man have no difference in their ability to access values. Even somebody with an intellectual disability can access their core values as easily and as quickly as a genius can. So this kind of framework helps you figure out what core values are and what they aren’t. If there’s anything external that stops you or anything that’s different about you that makes the value unaccessible, then it’s not really a value, not by the definition of this philosophy.

Honesty, as an example, is a value anyone could live by anytime they like regardless of their circumstances, whereas being wealthy isn’t. And with these values, they are principles. So not everyone will have the same words for their values. Not everyone will have the same list. And even if they do, they won’t have the same exact definition of how to live by them. So there are subjective principles. So I say honesty, but my version of honesty might be different to yours, and that’s okay. We might both value honesty, but we might have a different interpretation as to how it’s expressed or how it’s lived by. Same with courage or responsibility or compassion or any of these other value words.

No Rules, Just Integrity: Living by Your Own Definition of Values

So there’s no rules in this philosophy. There’s no, in order to be honest, you must do this or you’re out of the church, right? We don’t do it that way here. If you are happy that you are living by your definition of the value, then you win. Even if I disagree with you, even if I say I don’t think that’s honesty, and we could have a debate about it, and you might change your mind, or I might change mine, but if you feel more confident about yourself by applying your definition of your value, then you are living with integrity. It doesn’t matter what I think of it. It doesn’t matter if other people believe you’re wrong, right? So there’s no rules.

I can’t tell you how to be honest. You have to figure it out for yourself. In fact, even choosing honesty as a value is up to you. There’s no attachment to outcomes. That’s kind of an obvious segue from what we’ve already been talking about, but what you do and why you do it are the chief concerns of living by this value. The outcomes are almost irrelevant. If anything, all they do is give you feedback on your technique and your skills. But let’s say I’m very honest and courageous, and those are my values, and I say something to you, and you don’t like me. That’s not feedback that I did it wrong.

The honesty and the courage, I’ve already done it right before you even react. Your reaction only tells me whether we should be friends, or whether I articulate myself in an understandable way, or whether this is an issue that we need to discuss further. But honesty and courage aren’t up for debate. I haven’t done anything wrong there. If they’re my values, then I’ve lived by them, okay? Now, it doesn’t mean that other people’s reactions won’t be helpful sources of feedback. For example, if you think you’re being honest all the time and everyone hates you all the time, then maybe your communication skills could be worked on. Honesty is still not the problem if that’s your value, but your technique might be off.

Somebody might think they’re living by the value of courage, and they get themselves injured, and they cause lots of problems in their life, and they’re suffering a lot. Well, it might be that they’re being reckless rather than courageous. So the courage isn’t the problem, but again, the application might be a bit flawed. So our results and other people’s opinions might be helpful feedback, but we should still treat them with suspicion because they are not feedback on our values. They’re just feedback on our application.

That being said, if something you really want consistently is not happening, or someone you really look up to and admire doesn’t like you and this consistently happens, then it could be feedback that you’re not actually living by your values. Because the general theory with this philosophy is that if you act with integrity consistently enough over a long enough period of time, you will get what you want, and the people who are right for you will like you because you’ll be aligning with those things. You’re basically creating a world that responds to you the way you want it to. So if that is not happening after consistent value living, you might not have the values correct, and you might have the application wrong. Also, there’s a lot of people who like to tell themselves that they’re with integrity, and this is probably one of the biggest barriers. Talk more about barriers later.

A lot of people, for example, tell you that they’re an honest person, but they’re not because they’re lying to themselves about this. If you actually looked at what they said and what they didn’t say, you could point out that there’s a lot of deception, and that they deceive themselves into thinking it’s okay to have that deception. Somebody might do something that other people think of as brave, and so they tell themselves that they’re courageous, but they’re actually quite comfortable doing that thing. It doesn’t matter that other people think it’s brave. If it’s not fear-inducing for you, then you’re not being courageous, and so on. So sometimes you might think you’re living by your values, but your definition of it, your practical application of it is faulty, and this is a constant search that we have to go to do.

We have to constantly question our understanding of our values and our application of them in order to refine them and enhance them. We keep doing that until the day we die. So instead of being about the outcomes, integrity is about the process. It’s about being someone rather than getting something. As I’ve already said, ad nauseum, each to their own. There’s no dogma, just your best practice based on your own experience and your measurement. It’s a subjective morality. I don’t tell you what’s right and wrong. You figure it out for yourself and live by it to the best of your ability. However, you will find that there are consistent objective results. I’ve had people ask me this a lot. Are values universal? I’m generally leaning towards mostly yes. And what I mean by that is, let’s say, for example, we take a basic core value like honesty. From my observation, people who consistently live dishonestly end up with a worse life, not a better one. They end up with worse self-confidence, not better self-confidence.

So there is an objectivity to perhaps some of the values, though I’m not going to ever tell someone that they must live by a value. But it’s worth looking at other people and saying like, what happens to people who consistently live in this way and people who consistently live in that way? What are the results over a long period of time consistently? And you’ll see, for example, that people who are cowards their entire life, who shy away from uncomfortable things, who give in to their fears and aren’t courageous, very rarely end up with a satisfying life, very rarely end up liking themselves in a very deep level. So there’s some potential for a universality.

Universality, is that a word? Let’s say it is. Two values. However, I don’t want anyone to ever get attached to that idea because ultimately you and your values is your own journey and it may not apply to other people. There may not be overlap with people you know. So the individual, you, you’re trusted to figure it out for yourself. All this philosophy does is guide you on how to do that. But it doesn’t tell you what you should find. What you find is up to you. What conclusions you draw is up to you. Because the idea is, you live with more integrity, your confidence goes up, your life gets better. That should be how you figure out what’s right and wrong. Okay? Not what I think is right and wrong or what your friends think is right and wrong or what your church thinks is right or wrong.

But you should measure the results yourself. Do I feel more confident when I behave this way? Do I like myself more when I consistently apply that value? If the answer is yes, then you’re onto something. And if the answer is no, then you’re not, even if other people agree with it. So the only rule really in this philosophy is that you should be getting more confident over time if you’re applying it. Simple. Practice beats theory. Key element to this is not what should work, but what does work. Okay? And again, we’re not talking about getting outcomes, though you should also get outcomes after a while when living by integrity, because you’ll behave in a way that creates reactions that align with who you are and so on. But ultimately everybody else says you should be this way. Well, if that doesn’t build your confidence, then we dismiss that and we do what actually does build your confidence. And there will be some feelings of contrarianism in this because I’ve found that living with integrity rubs up against nearly every major ideology I’ve ever witnessed or lived with it.

Dishonesty, for example, is recommended in some way, shape or form in every culture I’ve seen. Whether it’s something as mild as being polite, which is pretending to feel a way that you don’t, all the way through to some dog eat dog kind of mentality of capitalism where do whatever it takes to win even if it means being completely fraudulent. I’ve never seen any culture, any church, even any family that is fully on board with a person living with full integrity. So you are going to get resistance from the outside world. You’re going to get other people telling you what you should be doing instead. And this will be one of the main barriers you face, because when you live fully by integrity, you’re going to be living in a way that nobody else does. Not exactly. Even if me with my full integrity comes and meets you with your full integrity, there are going to be differences in how we behave, right? There are going to be things we disagree on. So ultimately, you’re going to create a completely subjective, unique philosophy of one person, you. And there’s no way that that is going to perfectly align with what your family thinks is right or your culture or whatever.

There’s also the idea of being cosmopolitan, as the Stoics would say, which is what’s best for you should also be best for everyone else and vice versa. So when we’re looking to live by our values, we’re looking for a definition that when I live by it, it’s in everyone’s best interest, including my own. There isn’t a kind of win and lose dynamic happening here. Now, those options aren’t always immediately obvious, and we can’t always figure out what it is, but we’re seeking it. How’s the way I can live that’s best for everyone, including myself? No compromise required. We might not always find that answer, but we’re always asking that question because it comes from a very basic idea, which is no smart organism, no intelligent organism would ruin their own environment.

Now, I’m not talking about climate change or anything like that, but in terms of the situation you’re living in, there’s no way that serving yourself by ruining that situation is a good long-term plan. If, for example, I consume all the resources in my area, it might feel like I’ve got an immediate reward, but then all the resources in my area are gone, and then I’m going to starve. So that’s not actually smart. What’s best for me and the environment is that I’m sustainable in the way I consume resources, right? It might be best for you to just drive off the side of the road, drive through the footpath, run everyone over, and you get to work on time. Sure, but if everyone did that, it would be a horrible place for you to live. So you can’t behave in a way that if everyone else did it, you would hate living there.

Probably one of the better ways to think of this philosophy is that if everyone acted according to your integrity, you would love living there, okay? It would be a great place to live. And this is my argument against the sort of dog-eat-dog, psychopathic view of self-serving values. People think like, oh, I’ll just do whatever I want, what’s best for me, what feels good right now. You ask yourself, well, if everyone behaved like that, would you enjoy your life? And very few people actually would. They don’t mind it when they’re winning and there’s no competition. But what if everyone was competing? Then they wouldn’t enjoy it so much.

You know, you think, oh, I’ll throw my rubbish on the ground. Who needs to use a trash can? Well, what if everyone threw their rubbish on the ground? Would you like walking around streets covered in rubbish? Maybe you’d like to abuse everyone with your most judgmental thoughts as soon as they occur to you. Would you like it if everyone did that to you too? So you have to think a little bit of, treat others like you want to be treated, treat my environment like it’s one I want to live in.

Long-term thinking rather than short-term gratification. That being said, this is not an excuse to sacrifice yourself in order to benefit others, because that’s just the inverse of that. So if it hurts you to make the environment better and make other people better, you lose. You’re looking for the win-win here. It’s actually quite hard to find or at least it’s quite a challenge to think this way. One thing to keep in mind is what is beneficial to both you and your environment and the people in it might not happen immediately. There’s a lot of long-term delayed gratification in this philosophy. There’s a lot of actions you take which aren’t so pleasant right now, but in the long run, it’s the best result for everyone. So more integrity, then more confidence, then better life, not instantly better life.

This philosophy contains really no metaphysical or supernatural elements to it. There is no God, no logos, no belief that the universe has a way that we’re trying to follow, but it does talk about alignment to reality. We let go of things that we think should happen or could have happened. We let go of wishing and hoping and instead align with context. What actually works right here, right now and is beneficial for the future? What’s that simultaneous thing that seems to best align with reality? A lot of people argue against the idea of being honest all the time, but one of the reasons I believe it’s a value and one of the reasons it’s one of my core values is because I’ve tested it and when I’m honest all the time, I get the best alignment with reality. I get the best relationships.

My career goes the way it should for me and in the long run, I have no regrets and I have no secrets hanging over my head and I’ve got nothing I need to fix or clean up. So it’s like I’m taking the path of least resistance through life by actually being more honest. When I was dishonest, I created relationships that weren’t a good fit for me. My career was something I just sort of slipped into and it didn’t really suit me very well and I had all these burdens of secrets and so on that would come back to haunt me. It feels like I’m getting a lot of resistance from life, like I’m not working with it. So ultimately, if anything you do fights against reality, if any of your values require reality to be something other than what it actually is, if you have to wish for something or wait for something before you can act, then it’s not really valued living. It’s not aligned.

Resistance from the Outside World: Why Living with Integrity Means Standing Apart

What we’re really talking about here is taking the shortest path and this is almost paradox because a lot of people think of the shortest path as in the shortest distance between you and your goal as being instant gratification, like what feels good right now? What’s the easiest thing to do right now? But the shortest path is not about instant gratification. It’s about the idea that there is one step at any given time between you and your integrity. Any given time, your next action could get you aligned with your integrity. Okay? It’s always one short step. You stop in any situation, any context, there is a move you can make next, a thing you could say or do that brings you into alignment with your core values and anything else would be out of alignment.

Actually, there’s often quite a range of things you could do that are aligned with your core values. You get to pick and choose sometimes. If, for example, you’re in a group situation, you could be honest, you could be courageous, you could be patient, you could be accepting. You might have a range of things you could do that would all align with your values and all it takes is your next move. It doesn’t matter what your history is. There’s no score being kept in this philosophy.

I’ve worked with criminal offenders who have lived outside of their values for decades. All it takes is one move to be back on track. You’re either on track or off track with your next move. That’s all that matters. If you’re off track, get back on, problem solved. The shortest path is whatever action gets you on track with your values. Now, it might be a very uncomfortable action. In the long run, it might require a lot of effort and hassle and difficulty. It might not feel like a short distance, but there’s no quicker way to get to your valued living.

You take the easy way out, it’s actually the long way around. Let’s say, for example, I start a relationship with some dishonesty to make them like me more. That seems like a shorter path to get the relationship off the ground. But later on, when we’re getting divorced because we continued a pattern of being dishonest with each other, we don’t really know each other and all fell apart, we can see that that wasn’t a short path at all. It was a nightmare. It was a very long path and we didn’t even get to the result. The shortest path is I will behave with you in the first 30 seconds on our first date, the same as I’ll behave with you in the first 30 seconds of our 10th anniversary date. Right? I will always walk that shortest path, which brings us to the idea of fractals. My theory is that if you want something in the future, you must behave as similar to that thing right now, that that’s the shortest path.

So what you do now will echo and compound into your future. I can’t tell lots of lies now with the goal to become an honest person. It’s what I’d call walking south when you’re trying to get north. If I want to get north, my next step should be as north as I possibly can be. Because if every step I take is the shortest distance between me and north, then that overall path up north will always be the shortest path. So if, for example, I want great relationships with people based on who I really am, then I should be myself in every single interaction I have at all times. And that is undoubtedly going to be the shortest path to creating deep, meaningful inner circle connections in the future.

If I wanted to grow my business, I would courageously contact people that are potential clients. There’s nothing else that’s more aligned with a business that has a lot of clients. There’s no behavior that’s a shorter path to that. So it’s this kind of idea that I will be now what I hope to be later by taking whatever step. Let’s say, for example, you want to be a champion bodybuilder. Well, no, you’re not going to lift the same amount at the gym here today than you will five years from now. But doing the hardest workout you can right now is exactly what you’ll be doing five years from now as a champion bodybuilder.

So the shortest path to being a champion bodybuilder is to behave like one right now within the current limitations you have. You might still go to failure with much less weight, but going to failure is the method, right? Eating as healthy as you possibly can with the knowledge you have is the effort. That is the way. If you did that all the time, you will naturally take the shortest path to the longer term goals. So you be now what you hope to be later. You don’t build up to it. You just step into it now with a single action. And whoever you wish you were back then, be that now. Make up for it. Redeem yourself.

Redemption is a big part of this philosophy. So you are always going to slip from your values. Sometimes there’ll be an autopilot behavior, or you’re a bit thoughtless, or you had all the right intentions, but you misjudged and misunderstood your own values. Well, have another go at it and fix it. Most of your integrity is going to be redemptions on failed integrity. I mean, it’s great when you get it right on your first go, but that’s actually easy. What’s hard is correcting it when you got it wrong on your first go. But again, now we’re just talking about being off track or on track. So if you’re off track, just get back on.

And a redemption is a great way to get back on. If you just lied to someone, tell them you just lied to them. Now you’re back on. If you meant to ask out that girl, but she got away from you because you hesitated for too long, go ask someone else out. Just redeem yourself as quickly as possible. Stay on track as often as possible, and you’ll have as much integrity as you possibly can. And keep in mind that constant adaptation. There are no final commandments. There’s no list that gets written in concrete and never gets corrected.

You can always evolve with experience and measurement and wisdom. You can always get better at this. The better your integrity gets, the better your confidence gets, the better your life gets. You should always be tweaking all of these. Make it so that your current self is something you look back on with some regret. So even if you think you’re fully living by integrity now, you should be constantly improving this so that when you look back, you’re like, oh, I’m even better than that now, right? That would be the measurement. If you’re the same as you were five years ago, then you’ve plateaued. So this is about relentless experimentation.

How do I tweak this? Now, at the beginning, if like most of my clients, you are very far away from living with integrity, there’s going to be big shifts at the beginning, right? You’re going to go from being dishonest to being honest, from being cowardly to being courageous, from being a victim to being responsible. These are huge shifts. But once you’re over the line and on track with your values, it becomes about these nuanced tweaks. How can I do it a little bit better, a little bit more, a little bit more frequently, a bit more intensity? Did I miss a situation where I should have picked up on it? And so on. You’re just constantly tweaking. So it’s this relentless experimentation. Let’s try this. Let’s try that. Constantly giving it a go to see if this was a better way of doing it than you previously did.

Six Core Values: A Starting Point for Living with Integrity

Now, I’m going to give you my six core values as they currently sit at the time of making this podcast. And they are also what we’d call the six core values of the philosophy, because my ego is attached to me having this philosophy, but also just to give you a first draft if you’ve got nothing else. But please treat it as a first draft.

If in two years after doing this, you still have the same six, then you’re not doing this right. You’ve got to come up with your own. But some people really struggle to get started with this. They’ve never had a mentor in their life who’s talked about integrity. They’ve been surrounded by people who breach their own values all the time. They don’t have any modeling for this. And I like to be as practical as possible. So I’ll give you my six as a potential starting point if you can’t think of anything better to get started with.

So the first one is curiosity. And for me, that just means question everything. Always look for a better way.

OK, secondly, is honesty. I must speak my mind. What’s going on inside me must be accurately represented by my words and actions.

Next, we have courage. I must do what I’m afraid of, what I’m uncomfortable about. I must always seek the way of resistance in order to train myself.

Responsibility. I own my life. My results in life are a direct result of my chain of decisions, and therefore I must take ownership of everything that I want to happen in my life. I can’t wait on anyone else or wait for someone to save me.

Acceptance. I must let go of that which I cannot or should not control. It’s my hardest value, by the way. So anything that’s not important or anything that is beyond me, I should let it go and focus on something else.

Respect. This I generally define as live and let live. So I won’t let anybody else disrespect me or be assertive, protect myself and my loved ones. But as long as you’re not trying to harm me, I’m going to let you do whatever you want to do. I’m going to respect you.

So those are my six. I mean, there are other values I live by, but those are the ones I sort of keep in mind to keep me on track with my behavior. You can come up with yours or you can take mine as a starting position and then develop it from there. Quickly, just touch on the biggest threats to integrity. This is what you’re going to be working against if you want to live by this philosophy. The desire for instant gratification is going to be one of the main ones. You’re constantly going to be wired to find what feels good right now. And a lot of the time, what feels good right now is directly in conflict with your values.

Values is often a delayed gratification. There’s often an effort, a bit of a hassle to live by your values, at least like multiple points throughout the day. Not all the time, but just certain points where you’ve got to kind of manually override and consciously shift something over a line in an uncomfortable way. And then later on, you have more confidence in a better life. The reward comes later. And it doesn’t come as an instant high, it just comes more like the sea level rising. You barely sort of feel it, but then you look back six months and you realize you’re ten times more confident than you were.

So you’re going to have to let go of instant pleasures like somebody laughing at your joke and liking you or something tasting good in your mouth or fiddling around on Facebook when you should be doing something more meaningful with your business. You know, there’s going to be instant gratification, constantly pulling you away from your values. Culture, the sort of collective unconscious of the people around you, the water you’ve been raised in that you don’t even know is water, the laws and the rules and the regulations you were born into without a choice, peer pressure, politics, the sea of what other people around you think is right and good and should be done.

And you’re going to get barraged with this. You’ve already been barraged with this your entire life. Everyone else tells you how they think you should live, which is the direct conflict to this philosophy, because you should be telling you how you should live. You should be figuring it out for yourself. And as I mentioned before, I guarantee it is going to come into conflict with those around you. That’s just the price you have to pay for freedom.

The reason I focus on people pleases so much in my work is because I think trying to make others like you and get their validation is the number one threat to integrity. And this is what is absent in the person of integrity. The rare people who live with integrity that I’ve met in my life don’t have this. They don’t try to make others like them. They don’t try to manage other people’s happiness. They don’t try to get validation from other people. They’re willing to lose all those things in order to stand up for who they really are. Your desire to be immediately liked by others and to be attractive to others and to have your reputation be positive is going to be one of the biggest things that causes conflict with your values. And the fears and trauma conditioning that you had growing up.

Most of my clients, their biggest problem is they were traumatized as children and they have a coping mechanism for that that requires them to breach their values. And the thing is, now that they’re adults, the thing they’re scared of, the result they’re scared of happening is actually something they can handle. It’s not really a threat. For example, most people I know are afraid of getting rejected, and yet rejection is very rarely painful. It’s actually being alone that’s painful. So a lot of the time you’re going to be afraid of things that aren’t objectively threatening. And if you just stopped and thought about it for like a second, you would realize that. You’d realize that no harm comes to you if you ask for a promotion, that very little harm comes to you if you start your own business, or if you ask somebody out, or you try a new hobby. This idea that these things are dangerous is completely ludicrous.

This comes back to the idea of alignment with reality.

Thank you for showing an interest in the Nice Guy Brotherhood, a group coaching community program for nice guys and people pleasers who want to become more confident and assertive to do better in their relationships and their careers. This is also for any man who wants to become more masculine, more bold, more honest, and more authentic.

So in this program, we focus in on a lot of the people pleaser and approval seeking tendencies that hold men back from achieving full self-confidence and healthy relationships. Things like avoiding conflict, trying to fix other people’s emotions, molding yourself to other people’s preferences, failing to stand up for yourself, not going for what you really want, and not knowing who you really are. The goal through the support of myself and the other members of the community is to help you build the backbone to stand up for yourself, to stop caring what other people think of you, to stop getting lost in your thoughts and your feelings, and learn how to act decisively based on your own set of core values rather than what everybody else wants you to do.

So we’re looking to replace things like conflict avoidance and procrastination and trying to please others with going for what you really want based on who you really are. So we address all these issues through a number of methods. Firstly, we get together each week for a group session.

Now, part of that is what’s called hot seat coaching, which is somebody gets on the mic with me and we do a coaching session in front of the others and everybody gives their feedback and support and we can deal with specific issues that’s coming up for that person in their life in relation to building confidence and overcoming nice guy syndrome. We also have group discussions during these calls. We share links and resources, feedback, questions, and everything we can do to support each other’s growth.

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The Why Behind My Philosophy: Understanding the Journey That Led Me to Integrity

So now I’ve covered the what, I’m going to go into the why.

Why have I come to this conclusion as the philosophy I want to live by? What first began when I worked with criminal offenders, and I noticed something simultaneously in them as I did in myself, and that was that we both had confidence issues. Movies portray criminals as being incredibly self-confident a lot of the time, but in reality they’re some of the lowest confidence people you’ll ever meet in your life. They are miserable. Their self-worth is rock bottom. It’s very rare. It’s only the really psychopathic ones who actually like themselves. The rest are lashing out from wounds and trauma in their psyche. They’re having a very miserable inner experience. That’s why so many of them are drug addicts, so many of them self-sabotage. They really don’t like themselves. And at that time in my life when I was working with them in the early stages, I could relate. So I found this commonality I had with them.

And around that time I started to see this pattern, all these different kinds of criminals committing all these different types of crimes, and yet this one word kept coming up, dishonesty. And nearly every crime I see, there’s some exceptions, but nearly every crime requires some level of dishonesty to even be committed. It’s very hard to get away with a theft if you went around telling everyone you’re going to do it. So there’s some dishonesty immediately. If I want to harm someone, I have to deceive them into a position where I can then harm them. It’s very rare to just come up to someone like, I’m going to harm you.

So I started to notice that there’s constant theme of dishonesty in all criminality. And there was a big theme of dishonesty in my own life. I was quite a dishonest person I was coming to see at that time. I hid most of what I was feeling. I pretended to be things I wasn’t, tried to make people like me. And so I was very similar to these people and suffering in a very similar way. And we had this one thing in common, dishonesty. And so from there, I started to question like, is that the missing piece? That’s the one thing I hadn’t tried in my life. I’d tried a lot of things, but I had not tried just being fully honest with people. And so I started to try it.

At that time, I’d been involved in this pickup artist thing, which is really very deceptive. But what it taught me is that if I change my behavior, I can actually change the results I get in my life, that there is hope for changing suffering in my life. But I didn’t like the way I was doing it because it’s just sort of a different way of being dishonest. And it wasn’t really working. It wasn’t confidence, even though I was getting different results. So around that time, I was doing quite well financially and I was doing well with girls by previous standards. But I still wasn’t happy with myself. So I was getting all the things I thought I wanted and it wasn’t creating happiness.

At the same time, I’m starting to see like I still haven’t tried honesty. And so, I started to try it. And around the same time that I started to try being honest, I started asking other questions like, what do I regret? You know, what do I admire in other people? What do I envy in other people? And why do I regret these things or admire those things or envy these things? And what do I think I’m missing? Long story short, I started experimenting with behaving more in alignment with those things. If I regretted something I did, I started doing the opposite. If I admired somebody, I started modeling their behavior. If I envied somebody, I asked them, how do you score that? And then I started learning from them and I started changing my behavior to line up with all this pain that I was having.

So all the suffering, I started to behave the opposite in the way that it caused the suffering. And it was like an ongoing experiment where I started trying to redeem my regrets. I figured like, if I’m going to die, I want to at least give it a shot. And I tried to do my best. And while I noticed that the result was my initial motivation. So my initial motivation for being more honest with girls was to get girls to like me. I started to notice that even when they didn’t, I still liked myself more. I started to notice that there were certain things I did where no matter the result, I felt better about who I was. It’s like the result didn’t matter.

And so I became really obsessed with this idea. What’s a process I can live by where the process itself is rewarding? And therefore, anything else that happens is like icing on the cake, unnecessary. And before long, all of this started to compose and synergize into a way of living that made a lot of sense. I noticed my confidence going up. I noticed that I liked being me. And even the results in my life started to improve, but it no longer mattered that they did. I found a way where it’s kind of like everybody wins all the time. And it seemed almost too good to be true. You know, any questions I had about the meaning of life were gone now.

And I’ve come to realize that if you stop asking a question, that means you probably found the answer. So I used to constantly wonder, like, what am I doing with my life? What’s the point? I often ask that. What’s the point of all this? What’s the point of me? What’s the point of anything? And the more I acted with honesty and courage and responsibility, the less I was interested in that question. It’s like it had been answered. I’ve got a little theory, call it a hypothesis, that you found the meaning of life when you stop asking what it is. Well, when your behavior is so meaningful and so satisfying that you don’t think to ask what’s the question of life, then maybe you’ve answered it.

And so I noticed this. I noticed I didn’t have that question anymore. I noticed that I knew exactly why I was getting out of bed in the morning. I was on a mission. I felt there weren’t enough hours in the day to complete this mission, even though it was process-driven. I’d wake up going, like, I’m going to be even more honest today. And I was very sure of why I was getting into the world, what my point of being here was, that I didn’t even think to ask what’s the point. I’d, like, found it. We’ll be talking about some of the influences on me, but existentialism is the idea that something exists and then we give meaning to it.

I think I’d found something that gave meaning to everything I was doing. Now, every decision I made was meaningful. The way I wash the dishes, is it value-based or something else? You know, when I sit down at lunch for work, why did I sit here? Am I being courageous or cowardly by sitting in this position? Everything was riddled with meaning now, and it made life very interesting and unique. What I generally found is that having integrity is self-explanatory. If somebody doesn’t live with integrity, you’ve got to explain to them why it’s a good idea. But once they start doing it, you don’t have to explain shit anymore.

I’ve been coaching people for nearly 12 years at the time of recording this. And every single one I’ve seen who lives with integrity more and builds their confidence is sold on the idea. I don’t need to sell the idea to them. Their own behavior and the rewards it brings internally is the sales pitch. So I’ve found consistently, almost without exception as far as I can see, that when people live with more integrity, according to the principles we’ve talked about, and their confidence goes up, they are convinced that this is a good way to live. And so that kind of universality again, where hundreds of people are witnessed now without exception basically, find that living with integrity is the last thing they need to discover, and then any questions about the meaning of life go away, then maybe it is the answer.

Influences on My Philosophy: Acknowledging the Thinkers and Ideas That Shaped My Views

Let’s talk about some of the influences. And you can, you know, this is partly to give credit where it’s due, but also so you can see where I’m coming from here. So Socrates was my first main influence, and he’s a good friend of mine. Now, I read his old work through Plato, and I’m reading Xenophon at the moment to get a different perspective. But his main one was the curiosity element. That’s where I got my value of curiosity from, which is you know nothing for sure. Question everything all the time. That skeptical inquiry. Once I started applying that to my own life, a lot of the beliefs I have that held me back started to fall apart. Things I was afraid of suddenly didn’t make sense anymore. I started to question everything. I assumed I didn’t really know anything at all, and that all the things I suffered came from lack of wisdom.

And so I started questioning everything. And it tore apart my belief system in a way that was very helpful. The second probably biggest influence is Stoicism, especially Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius. You know, this idea that virtue is the path. The cosmopolitanism, like do what’s best for everyone because that’s what’s best for you. And the idea that the way is more important than the outcomes. That constantly focusing on how to live even more virtuously is better than any sort of rewards you could get on the outside. Stoics often talk about dying well. And that is you live so consistently by integrity that if you were to die right now, there’d be no regrets.

Immanuel Kant, he’s a more recent influence on me. This idea that there is such a thing as universal good. That there’s what’s best for everyone and that it’s objectively measurable. But particularly this idea you never treat someone as a means to an end. And I took this, I guess, a little bit further by never actually trying to get to an end. That everything is means. That everything is process. So I don’t try to make you like me so that I feel good about myself. I just be honest with you and let however that’s going to play out, play out. That being this way is the end result.

Nietzsche, I took a lot from Friedrich Nietzsche. Existentialism in particular. This idea like it’s up to us to give meaning to life. That there’s no objective meaning. Nobody else can tell you what it all means. You’ve got to figure it out for yourself. But you can figure it out for yourself. You can decide for yourself. And you don’t have to lie to yourself and make something up. Because the way you feel about the way you live will tell you what’s true and what’s not. The truth is already there. You just need to discover it. Taoism is a big one for me around letting go. So especially the idea of letting go of attachment.

Old school Buddhism is similar in this way as well. This idea that we can try and control the world. It’s ridiculous, pointless, causes nothing but suffering. The best way is to let go. Just focus inwardly. Focus on yourself. You doing what you think is the right thing to do. And let everything else just go however it’s going to go. And ride with it rather than resist against it.

And another more recent one for me, or at least recently I’ve heard the word for it, which is solipsism. It’s actually quite a dark philosophy which says that there is no proof that there’s anything outside of your own mind. So it would say that every other person you see is just a hallucination. That there is no other people. It’s just you locked in a room having a dream about being a person. But the way I look at it more so is that I create my reality. Like I’m lucid dreaming. That how I view the world is up to me. Whether something is an opportunity or a tragedy depends on how I look at it. And I can actually decide on how I look at things. If something stresses me out it’s because of how I look at it, not because of a thing. Because all of this exists only in my own mind. I’m the director of this movie. And everything that’s happening in this movie is happening within me. There is no actual brain. There’s no head where this is all being contained. I don’t end at my skin. This is all a hallucination. And so whatever is happening in here is up to me to deal with.

And there’s some more modern thinkers that I’m influenced by. Alan Watts. I really like his stuff. And again, he’s like the mind is everything. How you view the world determines what the world is. And you don’t have to view it in the way you are viewing it. If it causes you suffering you can change it. Mark Manson. I’ve found a lot of his writings are very similar to my own. And he’s another one that talks a lot about values and a lot about honesty. Dr. Robert Glover in particular around people pleasing and nice guy syndrome. Jim Carrey, the actor. He’s one of the most current and high profile figures I’ve ever seen talk about losing his sense of self. Letting go of the idea of Jim Carrey and just being. So I’m big on that in terms of not having an identity. His core values are not an identity. I’m a different person today as I was yesterday.

There’s no single Dan Monroe. But I have this consistency of values I’m trying to live by. And of course sort of concepts like neuroscience. The idea that the brain is an organ and it functions according to an organ’s needs. And you have to take that into account when you look at your biases and your decision making. The idea there’s no such thing as free will. There’s no such thing as a soul. That everything is subconscious drives. But the conscious awareness creates a feedback. So as I watch myself behave, I can give myself feedback on it and improve that behavior. In quantum physics, kind of the truth about what reality is and isn’t. Understanding alignment with a reality helps with understanding physics. I understand entropy, for example. I understand that there’s a force out there trying to tear me apart. And that everything I do is all about resetting back to zero. And that I have to resist that if I want improvement. And acceptance and commitment therapy or ACT as it’s called. It’s where I get the idea of core values from originally.

The Role of Integrity in Reducing Crime and Suffering: How Dishonesty and Misalignment with Values Lead to Suffering

And as I mentioned, a lot of this comes from working with criminals. There’s a conclusion I came to quite clearly. That if people acted with integrity, crime and suffering would almost disappear.

So I’d found a way of living that if everybody did it, it would pretty much write out suffering completely. Not pain, but suffering. I noticed that criminals were often breaching their own values. Very often breaching their own values to commit crimes. Most of them regret what they do. Most of them feel guilt. Most of them wish they weren’t like this. It’s hard to believe until you’ve worked with them and you see that genuine remorse after they’ve been sentenced. Where there’s nothing to be gained from pretending anymore. And you realize if they actually lived according to their own values, they wouldn’t commit crimes. They wouldn’t hurt others. They’ve all had terrible childhoods that led to terrible conditioning and programming. Brain damage and so on. And their decision making is out of alignment with their values.

So I came to this basic theory. Criminals are the most anti-social people. They’re the ones that cause the most social harm. And of course, there’s plenty who’ve never been caught. The big corporations dumping pollution into lakes and stuff. They are committing crimes. It’s just you can’t get them for it. If everyone just stopped doing this and lived more by their values. If those big corporations realized, hey, I’ve got to live next to that lake. Maybe I should treat that lake like it’s a lake I want to live next to. If they lived by their actual values, then they wouldn’t do this shit. And there are exceptions. There are malevolent people out there.

But there’s two things to notice about the sadistic and malevolent people. Firstly, if you go back over their childhood, there’s a reason they’re that way. They weren’t raised normally or in a healthy way. They were damaged in some way significantly. Even people who are born as psychopaths, if they’re raised in a loving environment, they’re generally quite pro-social with their behavior, at least not anti-social. But also, they do suffer in the long term from this way.

You think of some of the people who have never lived with integrity. Some modern examples are Andrew Tate or Bernie Madoff. It comes back to bite them. It isn’t a great long term strategy. It gets big short term rewards sometimes. Robbing a bank might land you with millions of dollars. But the success rate of robbing banks is less than 10%. You’re probably going to jail. Your quality of life is going to go down. Bernie Madoff’s life isn’t worth living now. Jeffrey Epstein is dead. Andrew Tate’s probably about to go to jail for sex trafficking. It’s like even malevolent, hostile, anti-integrity people. By the way, there’s no anti-integrity word that really works, which is weird. They get theirs in the end.

I started to notice that even the people who seem to be winning when the bad people seem to win, you’re not looking at them in a long enough timeline. Even psychopaths end up lonely. Simply put, I think if everyone followed this philosophy, the world would be a magnitude better place than it is now for everyone in it. There would be some exceptions, but nowhere near the amount of exceptions we have now. Nearly everyone’s miserable. Nearly everyone’s on fucking anti-depressants. Nearly everybody’s in a job that they would leave tomorrow if you gave them enough money. Nearly everybody’s overweight. Nearly everybody has fake friends or bad relationships. More than half of relationships end. More than half of marriages end in divorce. Clearly the way most people are living doesn’t work. And most people aren’t living with integrity. That’s my opinion.

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Living by the Philosophy: The “How”

So lastly, the how. How do you live by this philosophy, in case I haven’t already covered it? Well, I’ll be quick and practical. First off, you’ve got to identify your core values, right? All you’ve got to do is start with the first draft and then you’re going to iterate that for the rest of your life. You’re going to keep working on it and improving it. So it doesn’t really matter when you, you know, it doesn’t really matter how you start. You choose one value and just try and live by that and then add another one the day after.

There’s four questions that can elicit your values. The first one is, what do I think it means to be a good person? Next is, what do I see in people I admire? And the next is, what do I see that makes me envy people? And the last is, what do people do that I hate? Now, if you write down as much as you can to answer these questions, as many bullet points as possible, certain words are going to stand out to you that sound like principles and values. You might see words like honesty and courage and determination and compassion start to sort of come out, or you’ll see the opposite.

You know, that’s why that last question is there. If you hate people lying to you, then you value honesty. If you hate people being violent, then you value compassion. If you hate people playing the victim, then you value responsibility. And so you can pull these words out and start to think, yeah, I wish I was more like that. I wish others were more like that. You might have yourself a value word. So you start with a list of value words. Three to five is more than enough to start with. One is fine. Then you create a guiding principle, a definition of this word, where you could bring it up anytime in any situation and be able to describe it as a behavior. So for example, if you go the value honesty, then you might have a simple definition like speak your mind.

Now, you don’t know what that’s going to be at tomorrow’s lunch meeting because you have to wait till tomorrow’s lunch meeting to see what’s on your mind. But if you were to bring it up tomorrow at the lunch meeting, you’d be like, speak my mind. Okay, what am I thinking? Boom. So it gives you this practical guidance. So whatever your value words are, give yourself practical guidance that would tell you how to apply it here and now in any context. Again, this will be a first draft. If tomorrow at the lunch meeting, you’re like, that doesn’t make any sense now. Well, then you need to adjust it until it does make sense. Once you’ve got that, you just test and measure. Deliberately do it, see what happens, see how you feel about it, adjust it accordingly, try again. Just keep going through it, adding more, deleting stuff that doesn’t work, refining, refining, refining.

Make your whole day an obsession about trying to live more by your values. Because if you believe in this philosophy, as I do, then you’ll realize that living by your values is the only thing to do. There should be nothing else on your to-do list. Even if you’re going food shopping, do it the value way.

Are you going to go to the place that’s just down the road, nice and easy to get to, but it’s only got junk food? Or will you be courageous and responsible enough to drive a bit further to the healthy place? It’s in everything you do, valued living. Just look for experiments to do two or three times a day to just keep enhancing this. This is where the 3x model that I’ve talked about many times comes in.

You use curiosity to figure out what to do next. What’s the best way to live by my value in this situation? Then honesty is the expression of that. Okay, here we go, I’ll do it. You try your best to show up and do whatever your idea is, and then you respect it. You step back, you let the reaction happen, you let the results happen. You measure all of this, including how you feel about it, and from there you enhance your wisdom about it. Then back around you go again, around and around forever. That is the philosophy of integrity as it currently stands. Hopefully, I haven’t missed anything too important.

If you have any questions, please get in touch, dan@brojo.org. Hopefully, I can help you live with your integrity a little more. Cheers.

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