The Nice Guy Smooth Problem-Free Life Tragedy

This is an excerpt from my course: Nice Guy Syndrome Recovery & Social Confidence Building

Dr Robert Glover identified the most powerful limiting belief a Nice Guy has is the dream of creating a “smooth problem-free life”, where there is no emotional discomfort and everything always goes to plan. Obviously, this dream is a little flawed.

In this video, Dan Munro explores the tragic backfire problem that comes with this dream, leading nice guys to people please, self sabotage, and suppress themselves in such a way as to guarantee that their life will never be smooth or problem-free.



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Full transcript (unedited)

You’re about to watch a video. That’s an excerpt of one of my online courses free sample, if you will. If you enjoy it, please get in touch Let me know what you think. Ultimately, all of the limiting beliefs we’ve talked about in the section contribute to a grand plan. And that is to create a smooth problem free life, which I may have mentioned already. The credit for this term goes to Dr. Robert Glover, the author of no more Mr. Nice Guy, my interpretation of a smooth problem free life is essentially one way or the emotions and all the outcomes suit your preferences. You live in a comfortable, narrow band of emotion that you feel safe with. And everything kind of goes your way, in a nice, predictable plan. Disbelief implies that everything will go the way it’s supposed to just as long as you act right. People pleasing, from our earliest childhood days was designed to create a smooth problem free life. And occasionally it seems to work. Sometimes it even often seems to work. So we figure if we just get it right, if we’re the perfect people pleasers, then the smooth problem free thing will happen all the time, not just in patches, followed by patches of misery. Now, there are two main problems with this limiting core belief. The first problem is the second law of thermodynamics, entropy. Everything is constantly eroding. Everything is constantly falling apart, the universe is expanding, everything dies, everything comes to an end, everything resets to the status quo. In other words, no matter how good you are, your life will eventually disintegrate. You are constantly working against the force of entropy, just staying alive is kind of a miracle. Because the universe is trying to kill you all the time, the universe trying to pull you apart, literally, atom by atom. So to even stay alive as a miracle. And to be able to maintain any sort of structured functioning and face of the constant attacks and obstacles that the world throws at us is amazing. The idea that you’re going to have a smooth problem free life is ridiculous entropy is guarantees you will not you will be in constant conflict with your environment and with yourself. Winning that conflict is what life is all about. Which means you’re going to be constantly in some sort of a battle. Now, sometimes the battle goes easy, and you win with no scratches on you. And other times the battle is ridiculously hard, and you lose a lot before you recover, or you have to surrender. But make no mistake, you will always be in a battle and it is a battle you will eventually lose. We all die eventually. And that’s to give you a sense of this smooth problem free thing is an illusion, there’s no way it can exist. You can have patches of smoothness, but they will only ever be patches that will never be sustained no matter how good you are as a person. The second problem with this belief is even if it was possible to create a smooth problem free life to be happy all the time. Human beings are wired for dissatisfaction. It’s actually one of the main contributing factors to our successful evolution and domination on this planet, is nothing’s ever quite good enough for us. We always want more, we always want things to be better. The thing that we used to be excited about, we now expect and feel entitled to. And that’s just the way we’re wired. That’s the human psyche, it keeps us going it means that our ancestors didn’t stop at one berry bush and God just sit here forever. That kind of thing is there a better berries around the corner, and that kept them alive. Because if you stay at one berry bush, you die. You’ve got this wine. So even if you get everything you’ve ever wanted, it’s only a matter of weeks before you’re going to become unsatisfied with it. So how could you possibly stay smooth and problem free, if staying still is unsatisfactory. So it’s impossible to be comfortable and familiar and satisfied for a consistent period of time. And even if it was possible, entropy is going to erode it anyway. So the belief that you can have a smooth problem free life is a dangerous fiction, because you’re chasing something that cannot possibly exist. And that wasn’t unsatisfying enough to be a human being. You’ve just made it even more unsatisfying, because you’re never going to realize that the thing you’re chasing cannot be attained. So what’s a more realistic view of the world? It’s hard. It’s tough. It’s almost kind of unfair, that we are even consciously aware because we are born into suffering. We’re born into misery. It is not possible to live a life without any suffering. We’re wired for it and the universe is wired against us, we are in a constant battle from the day that we were conceived. But that’s okay. That doesn’t mean you have to get depressed or nihilistic or existential. What it means is you have to accept that you must be a warrior, you must fight. That’s the only option you’ve got it’s fight or die, we don’t get a range of options. You didn’t choose to be born, I get that. Neither did I. But you’re here now. And these are the rules of the game. So you’re going to play or you’re going to sit on the bench and whine until you die anyway. If you want to play the game, you’ve got to understand the rules. And the rules are, it’s unfair, and it’s hard. And if you want to be able to enjoy this, you’ve got to enjoy the fight. The stoic philosophy has great take on this life is a wagon, and we are tied to their wagon. Now we can either run alongside it as it rolls along, or we can sit still and resist it and then get dragged behind it. The wagon doesn’t care about us, the wagon is unaffected by us, it keeps going no matter what we do, doesn’t matter if we run beside it or get dragged behind it, the wagon keeps on going. So the best life is running beside it accepting the difficulties and the hardships and the confrontations and the things not going your way. And the losses and the failures and the lessons are all part of the game, you got to run with that stuff, you’re gonna have to go into it, you’re gonna have to face them, you’re gonna have to cause them to happen in order to live by your principles to live with integrity to be satisfied with yourself as a person. While I don’t think you can be satisfied with life for very long, I do think you can become a person that you’re satisfied with. But it’s an ongoing maintenance, you have to keep running with the wagon. This isn’t a finish line that you cross. It is a way of living. So at the end of each day, you look back on that day and you’re satisfied with your behavior. And then you go start again the next day. And that’s just the rules of the game. Seek to become anti fragile. Try to become a person where if something doesn’t go your way and makes you a better person, see every failure as a great lesson. See, every setback is something to give you something to work against as resistance for training. See, every rejection is further awareness of what’s right for you and what isn’t, and, and feedback on your approach. Seek out discomfort, face fears, go look for the hard things to do rather than running away from them, especially when it comes to social interactions. rather than seeking a smooth problem free life. Try to become a person who doesn’t need one.

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Thanks for reading

Hope to speak to you soon

Dan Munro


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