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As a coach, I’m constantly reassessing the big questions about what makes life worth living, what makes people feel confident in themselves, what improves the quality of a relationship, and so on.
I’ve been coaching for 10 years, and I worked in Corrections rehabilitating offenders and leading staff for about 7 years prior to that. On top of that, the entire time I was doing this work I’ve been developing myself. Building my self-confidence and integrity is my greatest hobby, and I work on it daily.
I’ve already figured out that pursuing “happiness” is a fool’s errand that ends in misery. I’ve already experienced the level of wealth that shows that money isn’t the key to contentment and satisfaction. I know that popularity does not get rid of loneliness. I’ve seen plenty of evidence that being physically healthy helps a lot but it doesn’t fill in all the holes.
For nearly 2 decades I’ve been trying to identify the ONE THING that matters more than anything. I’ve been trying to find a single pursuit that I can recommend to people that will ensure that they have the best possible life available to them.
And I’ve found it:
Being able to speak your mind freely.
Or, as I would put it, Powerful Honesty.
The reason I’m so obsessive about honesty in my work as a coach and writer is because there’s nothing else that comes even remotely close to being the best practical methodology for reducing suffering and increasing enjoyment of life and self.
I don’t recommend honesty for moral reasons. Philosophically speaking, I think “right” and “wrong” are just subjective constructs anyway. The reason I recommend honesty is because it’s a practical solution: you can easily control it, it increases your long-term quality of life, it reduces problems, and it’s incredibly effective for everyone I’ve ever worked with.
While other factors are also necessary (honesty alone isn’t enough), such as healthy diet, exercise, social connections, financial security, and hobbies, learning how to be so courageously honest that there are no limits to what you can express is by far the most potent component of a good life.
Nothing kills more than heart disease. Nothing causes heart disease more than inflamation. Nothing causes inflamation more than stress. And nothing causes stress more than being fake!
Dishonesty is the reason for most divorces. It’s the reason for most loneliness. It’s the reason for toxic shame, depression, and anxiety. A boldly honest person will never have to experience these ills.
If you’re shamelessly honest, you’ll never get divorced because you’ll never get into a bad-fit long term relationship anyway, and once you’re in a relationship your honesty will catch problems early on and prevent them from escalating.
If you’re powerfully honest while being social, you’ll quickly polarise people into loving or hating you. You’ll attract the right people for you, and repulse the wrong ones. The end result will be a small quality circle of close friends who love you for who you are, effortlessly, and treat you with the respect you deserve. I’ve seen it play out this way hundreds of times.
Expressing your shame honestly is how you neutralise and eventually destroy it. Keeping no secrets and telling no lies prevents depression through the hormonal benefits: the serotonin boost from bravely telling a hard truth, the oxytocin boost from connecting deeply, the dopamine high from having a fascinatingly original conversation, and the cortisol reduction from releasing all difficult emotions through expression.
And anxiety — the unpleasant chronic kind — comes from a foundational belief that you can’t handle the potential consequences. This belief is formed from avoiding difficult things in the past, and those things were mostly social challenges — potentially failing in front of others, confrontations and conflicts, embarrassing yourself, getting rejected, and so on. If you face all of these demons, which is achieved by simply expressing your preferences and opinions, and acting on your values, you’ll eventually show yourself that you can handle them. Goodbye anxiety disorder!
As a former people pleaser who spent the first half of my life carefully moderating every word that came out of my mouth to ensure I got the best possible reaction, being now able to speak my mind freely and not worry about the consequences is like how I imagine it feels to be released from prison after a long sentence.
I’ve been a radically honest person for quite some time now, so it doesn’t get me as high as it used to back in those heady days when I was first learning to confront people and express attraction directly and share shameful secrets. But every now and then I notice the lightness and sensation of power that comes up when I speak without shame or restriction.
I particularly notice it when I’m working with my coaching clients and they’re describing the struggles of not being able to be honest, or when I’m witnessing someone clearly faking it just to fit in. Their fears of being judged and mocked and disrespected and abandoned remind me of old times. I sympathise with them deeply, knowing how suffocating those fears feel, and how impossible it seems to be able to say what you think without first worrying how it will be received.
Starting my own business was a huge achievement to me, as was publishing my books. Getting married to my ideal partner was a huge relief and joy (my past self was certain he would die alone). Watching my daughter grow up brings me more love and satisfaction than I ever thought was possible to experience.
I have to admit that none of these things are a bigger accomplishment than me learning how to find the courage to speak my mind.
In fact, none of these things could have happened without that, so I give truthfulness full credit for all the best things in my life.
If you’re not sure what you should be working on next, try being more honest.
If you’re not sure what the meaning of life is, try being more honest.
If you suffer from self-esteem issues, try being more honest.
If you’re considering suicide, spend a year trying to be powerfully honest before you give up completely!
I promise you: I’ve been studying the psychology of confidence and success for nearly 20 years, and there is nothing I’ve found anecdotally or scientifically that brings more benefits to your life than being able to always speak your mind without shame, apology, people-pleasing or worrying about the reaction.
It took me many years to develop the ability to express myself shamelessly. There were many dark truths in my mind that I struggled to accept and reveal. I had to face my crippling fear of confrontation (arguments still make my heart race). I had to get rejected brutally hundreds of times. I had to endure mockery, embarrassment, dismissals, and hate.
I lost friends. My career was radically altered. Buried childhood trauma surfaced and had to be faced.
But my friends were replaced with an inner circle of amazing people who have my back and make it safe for me to be myself. My career has become something I completely love and control; it doesn’t even feel like work. And my relationships and parenting has clearly benefitted from dealing with my wounds, all of which were essentially eradicated by being humbly honest about how they affected me at all times.
I can say without any ego and all false modesty aside that I have almost no reluctance to speak my mind in any situation. I’m ok with being rejected. I can handle an awkward silence. It doesn’t bother me if you hate me. I can’t think of anything that would even make me feel embarrassed any more. I’ve said all there is to say about myself, many times over, and received every possible reaction (including being punched in the head).
I’m now free.
I highly recommend it.
Thanks for reading.
Yeah, here comes the pitch…
You can do all this on your own.
Through trial and error, books, courses and online content, you can figure it out slowly piece by piece over time if you dedicate yourself to it and are willing to fail often and get uncomfortable in order to achieve relationship mastery and build strong self confidence.
You can work directly with me in your corner for a short period of time and achieve the same results in months that would take you YEARS on your own (or your money back!).
That’s what my confidence coaching is really all about. I accelerate your progress significantly by ensuring you:
- Overcome your fear of rejection
- Stop seeing yourself as not good enough
- Develop easy practical social communication skills while still being honest
- Unleash your masculinity to make you more assertive and attractive
- Increase your self-confidence and self-respect
- Get advanced practical tips to eliminate self-sabotage and give you the best possible chances at career advancement, dating opportunities, and deep connections with quality friends
- Help you see your blind spots and errors and develop a measurement system that you can use on your own to ensure ongoing improvement for life
It took me about 7-10 years to figure this stuff out on my own. It takes my average coaching client only about 3-6 months to achieve a level of mastery that leaves them able to continue coaching themselves to further success while feeling absolutely certain that they’re on the right path (proven by the results they get).
I’ve turned around doomed marriages.
I’ve turned virgins into fathers.
I’ve created assertive leaders out of meek people pleasers.
I’ve released overthinkers so they become powerfully decisive.
I’ve transformed shy introverts into social connectors.
I’ve moved highly anxious and depressed guys into a world of permanent self-confidence and optimism.
You don’t need to take my word for it. You can test it out for yourself. Fill out the application form below for a FREE trial coaching session with no obligation to continue, and no sales pitch!
My coaching will either blow you away and convince you that it’s worth it, or you’ll simply spend an hour talking to me without losing anything.
>> Click here to apply for a complimentary trial coaching session
Thanks for reading
Hope to speak to you soon
Join The Integrity Army for free confidence and integrity coaching here