CONNECT WITH DAN

The Life Story of A Classic Nice Guy

I’ve been coaching Nice Guys for 10 years now. One of the reasons that they’re my favourite type of client is because I am one of them. Or was, at least.

In this video livestream, I shared my journey into and out of Nice Guy Syndrome. I cover what triggered my initial people pleasing as a child, how that developed into full blown Nice Guy Syndrome as a teen, the crisis this caused me in my 20s with dating, relationships and socialising, and then how I learned to recover from it and become focused on integrity, self confidence, self respect and honesty.


For more, check out my Nice Guy Recovery course >>here<<


Full transcript (unedited)

All right. Fully we’re working night me here ah, oh, I was working let’s find out. Yeah damn technology book via, you know a group for IT people I can’t get this but right. Awesome. Okay. Okay, looks like I’m live now. Now can somebody confirm that I can be heard your thumbs up? You can see me and hear me. Excellent day. All right, well thank you guys for your patience. And we are finally live. And finally get some things going for those of you who will be joining live excellent, very cool. And for those of you who can’t make it, because it’s a shitty time or you had better things to do and whatever we’ll you should be able to see the recording after this. No problem at all. So can watch at your own leisure and pleasure. So thank you guys for joining not only the live stream, but the group itself. This group is a new venture that I’ve put together with my new friend Jonathan, Jonathan Peterson, you’ll see him posting in the group and such he’s kind of the machine behind the screen, getting everything done, and he’s your main point of contact, should you need anything especially technical to do this group. He’s helped me out a lot. Good stuff. So yeah, thank you guys so much for joining in today’s live stream, I’m going to be talking a bit about what this group is all about. Who I am for the few of you who don’t know me very well yet. And actually, maybe there’ll be some elements to my story that some of you do know me, well have an idea, hopefully. So I’m going to be doing my kind of backstory, my origin story around being a nice guy. And in particular, around how that affected my relationships and friendships and my life. Up until the point I decided to do something about it. So we talked a bit about that, my notes here. And then from there, we’re gonna make it a bit clearer about why this group exists, what I’m hoping to achieve with it, who I’m trying to help, how I’m trying to help them, what’s in it for me everything out on the table about that as well. So you can figure out if this group’s for you, and if it’s going to be beneficial for you. And then Deena, I’m going to share some stories. She has some success stories, from my coaching clients who would fit right into this group, some of them will be joining us on the group. I’ll keep them anonymous, just because I didn’t have time to check with them if they called me sharing, but I will be sharing some of the main success strategies, I guess that they used to take them from, where they were to where they are, which is a much better place. And they’re all people that you’ll probably relate to pretty strongly. And then I’ll talk a little bit about the struggles that people in this group are likely to have in common, and how we’re going to be helping you with their struggles and some frameworks that I’m going to be introducing to help all nice guys or people pleasers recover, and be far more successful in their social lives in in the workplace. So that’s what we’re going to be talking about today. If the technology allows. So I’m a nice guy feels like anonymous group or something, you know, I’m Dan, I’m a nice guy. And I did. I was as far back as I can remember. My earliest memories include very clear and deliberate people pleasing, or at least includes the origin story of why I developed nice guy syndrome and people pleasing as a kind of social strategy as a safety procedure to protect myself socially. So some of the background factors that contributed to my development. One in particular was having very strict parents first born and my parents were hard working and kind of broke when I was younger. They’re like rich now and totally relaxed. But when I was younger They were broke and stressed, quite stressed, and very strict. My mother had some trauma issues. And she kind of projected that onto me, she was worried that something’s going to happen to me. So she was very strict about what I was allowed to do and not allowed to, especially what I was not allowed to do, especially socially. So I had this environment where I was always in trouble. I didn’t know what the rules were because they seem to change all the time. You know, something that was okay yesterday, I get grounded for today, I got grounded all the time, they didn’t abuse me in like a physical way. They very rarely raised their voice or hit me or anything. But I was just always in trouble. I felt like I was sneaking around all the time, from a very early age, because it just seems like I couldn’t get it right. You know, no matter how good a boy was always in trouble somehow. And I recently saw some research that shows that kids who get strict appearance quicker and more efficient are lying. When it comes to learning how to lie, or kids go through a phase of learning how to lie, I certainly learned very early on that if I want to have any kind of freedom, any kind of life, I can tell the truth, I can’t let them see what I’m really doing. You know, so I was brought up in this environment and also in the background, especially in yours sort of five to seven years old, we moved a lot. So I was going to a lot of different schools. I had three schools, but almost seven. And that’s a critical age isn’t it as a critical age for trying to make friends trying to build a circle. You know, my wife went to the same school from day one to the end. And she had the same group of friends and sat next to the same friends in every class for years and years and years. You know, I was always the new kid. And I felt like I was always a new kid coming in there was already established cliques already established groups, I didn’t really know how to be a part of things to this day, if I walk into a school I feel anxiety. You know, the the school set up with those kind of decks that they have outside the classrooms, the veranda things and the driveway, as I just read, it makes me want to be sick, because I’ve spent so much time feeling uncomfortable in that environment. And so up until about the age of eight, seven and a half, eight, I just had no idea what to do socially. I felt like I was was getting ripped away from the very few friends that I had. Plus, I was known as the cry baby kid. So as a sensitive kid, around sensitive adult, physically, not so much emotionally, though, that was certainly the case back then. These days, not so much. But I was very sensitive and crying was this kind of autopilot thing. I just, it was my reaction to anything. Someone confronted me I cried, I banged my knee, I cried. If no one wanted to play with me, I cried. I just couldn’t handle being upset without crying. And I became known as the crybaby kid and received moderate light to moderate bullying for that. So this is the background that I’m trying to develop myself socially, very strict parents, I’m not allowed to socialize, basically. moving all the time. So even if I found a friend like I keep it and constantly being the new kid at school, and if you’ve ever been a new kid at school, you know how much that sucks. And being a crybaby kid. And then between the ages of eight and 10, but probably very quickly, close together, I discovered a little strategy. It was threefold. Firstly, I figured out that I was funny. And that I can make kids laugh and that they liked me. When I made them laugh. I could also make adults laugh turned out. And it was like this. Get Out of Jail Free card like instant friends if you’re the funny kid. And I don’t know how I discovered that my memory isn’t all that good. But I clicked onto it and then really stayed with that. I was also academically gifted. So I’ve got the kind of brain that does well in school, even though I hated school. So I learned how to impress adults. Finally I learned how to impress my parents press teachers and stuff. I could show them how to be you know how to like me for being a high performer and high achiever I can give I actually got ducks and my primary school which was like the brain kid award at the end was like the brainiest get in my school. Apparently, schools like 12 kids around the country a half. Anyway, so I learned how to do well at spelling test. I read lots of books. I mean, I liked all this stuff. But mostly I did it because it got my parents on my back finally, well I thought it would it actually just made them push even harder for me to perform. And third thing is I figured out how to stop crying. You know, one day I got hurt or something playing rugby I can almost remember this. And I was about to cry. And I just decided not to because I’m now I’m just I’m just not going to cry. And I didn’t know I could do that. I didn’t know I could just turn it off. And instantly the respect from my peers increased, you know, I’m raised and this is West Auckland, New Zealand crying, you know, especially in the 80s and 90s crying from a man was very much not approved of, and being able to take pain without crying was, you know, even at a young age I ate, it was respected by peers. So I got these three things all at once, and they were a very effective strategy at the time. There was exactly what I needed to survive and thrive I got into the cool group at school you know, and even in high school I was in the semi cool group. As stupid as that sounds to say now was a big deal back then, you know, high schools fucking Lord of the Flies, I was just happy to be protected by being in the bigger gang in prison, you know, you don’t have to worry so much. So I had a strategy and it worked to solve the the loneliness the intense isolation, I felt the creeping around disconnect I felt at home I was very much a little alien all by myself as a child. And then I found a way to join you know, found a way to join the group and and to get the adults a weight off my back to stuck in so much trouble a fucking time. So I cruise that was probably the highlight of my early life was this kind of period from like, eight years old to the end of primary school, 12 years old, that those four years, the strategy was perfect. And I had no idea about integrity, authenticity, or nor would I have given a shit, I was just riding the wave of being the cool kid, like, Fuck Yeah, after what I’d been through, I’ll take that. Anyway, then I get the high school. And girls became a big deal to me. I mean, it was always a big deal to me. I remember drawing my own porno. When I was like, eight, you know, me and my friend, we draw our own Playboy magazine. That’s all we we think Playboy is porn. You know, used to try and draw the girls in our class as being like, old a woman and stuff was crazy. I was obsessed with sex from a very young age don’t know why. Hopefully, I don’t have like repressed abuse memories or something. But I was always into girls big time. And so when I got to high school, is this all these hot girls here, you know, so I thought, and it just consumed me. I spent, probably, like many boys going through puberty, I spend a vast majority of my time fantasizing about girls, you know. And I started trying to kind of make something happen with them. But I just couldn’t, I couldn’t figure out how it was done. You know, I had friends who did well, girls in high school, you know, one of my friends was kind of the most attractive boy in our year. And he just said girlfriend after girlfriend, he didn’t have do anything to this day, still one of my very best friends and he never has to do anything. Gil’s just always, you know, sort of like old and gray and, you know, put on a bit of weight now and still gills like dairy. So I can’t see. I don’t know what they see. But he just so this guy’s just cleaning up. But he had no advice for me. Like, he’s just like, well, you just, you know, when they ask you, you say yes, my dude, they don’t ask me out, but we’ll deal with it. And then another of my best friends was, you know, today, you’d call him a player. Back then he’s just like, the badass kid. You know, he’s always getting in trouble and stuff. And girls just loved him. And so he was getting a girlfriend after girlfriend a girlfriend. Both of these guys lost their virginity at a very young age. I didn’t realize that this was weird. But in my area, my culture, most kids were losing their virginity. 1314 pretty early on. And so I felt like a late bloomer. But it’s almost 15 You know, which is bizarre. It’s just depends where you grow up, right? So I’ve got a subsection of seats and now I’m building up an idea. I’m not good at it. I’m not good at one or two. That means I can’t seem to make them like me. I can’t seem to keep them attracted to me. But every now and then I get a little kind of a girlfriend to go and hold my hand for a week or something. Something childish. But I just couldn’t seem to make anything click and there was this one girl. I won’t go into details because I’ve already made a whole video about a one girl that I asked out. I finally got the balls to ask her out because she complimented my haircut. She was like the most popular girl my year so I was swinging for the fence and I was naive, which gave me the bravery. Anyway, I asked her out via a note, which I think had been sabotaged by the person delivering the note but didn’t realize giving a note as a pretty pushy as way to ask a girl out. And she reacted very badly and humiliated me in public. I mean in front of my whole year. This is a huge high school like 2000 Kids my year had few 100 in it, and in front of the whole assembly. She just rejected me brutally. Somebody actually spit on me afterwards. I don’t know if that was connected anyway. That was my first experience of directly asking a girl out. And when that happened, I made a decision. I’m never fucking doing that again. Fuck that there’s so not worth the risk. To have like my entire, you know, social reputation just rinsed out, it’s completely rug pulled out from underneath where single popular girl, no too much power, they got too much. But I can real estate again. And I didn’t for another decade. I didn’t. But I still wanted to be close to girls, I wanted intimacy. And so what I ended up doing is what most nice guys do as I started doing the old friendzone. So I’d get in close with a girl intimately. By being very helpful. Being funny, being available, being agreeable. I find these ways that they always responded positively to it never occurred to me that you don’t always want to go to respond positively to everything. That that wasn’t actually, you know, I mean, the evidence was right in front of all my girlfriends who did well with women, they weren’t always getting positive responses. I just noticed the positive responses, but they’re also offending people and disgusting people and pissing people off. I didn’t kind of click that that was actually a necessary part of this. So I just did everything, they always got a positive reaction, but it just never got across the line. They’re always I would say, favorite friend, and it wouldn’t be long before they’re complaining about the other guys that they liked to me. You know, they’d be asking my advice on how to get a guy, you know, and I’d be sitting there, just an agony, giving them advice on how to get a guy that, you know, the girl I wanted, I’m basically helping her not be with me. And it was brutal, absolutely brutal. And that was about that time that I developed this idea in my head to make sense of this and try to reduce the pain where I’m the nice guy. This is why Dr. Glover’s book No more Mr. Nice Guy resonated with me so much, because I literally call myself a nice guy before I heard anybody else use it. That was my label for myself, you’ll probably have a label for yourself. There might be the same or different, you might have come up with your own identity. But I remember distinctly sitting at school thinking at least I’m the nice guy, like, for all those jerks out there that cheat on women and treat them badly. And, you know, just use them for six and whatever I thought of other guys, at least, I’ll give, I’ll sort of hold up the weight of the world, I’ll be the nice guy. I’ll sacrifice myself. And I really took a lot of kind of pride in that. And because nothing was working for me, I could at least be that, you know, like martyrdom, or suffer for the world. So that’s about when I locked it in. I walked in being a nice guy. I decided that’s me for life. That’s my role. I’m funny. I do well at school, I can’t see why. You know, there’s no nothing sort of obvious about me to say, This is why girls don’t like you, but they just don’t, they just walk in. So I’m just gonna have to like make my peace with there and move on with this new idea of just being the nice guy. Then unexpectedly, I got into a relationship that’s near the end of high school now, going into my first term, what would be my last for a long time, long term relationship. She basically did all the work. She made it happen. She’d been interested in me for like a year, because I hadn’t made my move. But we used to talk on the phone for like two hours every night. I never clicked that you might like me. And I was back in the day. We were landlines and you had sub d is getting hot. It keeps swapping it remember those days. Anyway. So she asked me out and I was with her for a year and a half, I think I know two and a half years. Two and a half years I was with you. I lost my virginity to her. Even though I told people I lost my virginity earlier as a lie. So they get off my back about it. You know, and that was when I really really discovered all my nice kindness, you know, for most nice guys. It piques their behavior. When they’re in a long term romantic relationship. That’s where the worst of it comes out. And that’s where it really like develops. You know, so compared to what I’ve been doing before I really double down triple down on nice gayness and people pleasing. I did everything I could to constantly keep her in a state of happiness. My world was centered on that. And she was an emotional girl. And she had this little group of friends and they used to were sort of like, do this bitchy stuff to each other. So whenever it’s her turn to get like bitched out by the others you just crash and burn. Be all depressed and shit. So I had my work cut out for me, you know, can’t suddenly making her laugh, constantly trying to make her think that she’s beautiful constantly trying to repair relationships with her friends and her mother and her sister. I must spend half my time just giving her advice, you know. And I just night and day, dedicated myself to her pleasure in a vague sense, and we’re going to get married and have kids that this was the one and so on. And then after all that hard work two and a half years down in the mines, just really digging it out. She just bailed on me for a boss. You know, I don’t know if she ever cheated on me, she probably did. But she got this new job. And for a couple of months just went like cold on me. Well, a couple of weeks probably just went cold on me, which was bizarre, you know, very to not get back to a text or something that was new behavior. And I was very worried. And I had right to be worried because, you know, when they came to see me and there was that. And the message I took from that was even me at my best is not good enough. That’s the message I got from it, which is, no matter how good I am, I was the best boyfriend I could possibly be. I was better than all the other ones I told myself, because they always upset their girlfriends and so on. And even that wasn’t even that wasn’t enough to prevent her just having a fling with a boss. The fact that’s two and a half years. That’s the message I took. So just like with the first girl who rejected me, which is like, Okay, I’m never asking a girl out again. This time, I was like, Okay, there’s no point in trying to make anything happen with a woman, they don’t like me. You know, I know I’m focusing on women in this for some of you woman out the issue, you have boss problems, or you have friend problems. But that’s just about my story where I come from. So after that, I really went into a low and a massive drought, I didn’t have sex again, once with her friend, and I didn’t even find attractive, but for about four years, I didn’t have sex. And there was hell, especially as my friends can be shared about it every single week, and I became the guy who doesn’t get laid and all that kind of stuff. While they all lied about how much they’re getting it. And that same time, I was going to university, and I couldn’t seem to make new friends. So I’m at this place where I should be making all these people I like forming relationships and groups and stuff doesn’t occur to me that they’re not really my type of people, but whatever. You know, I seem to be this one and just can’t seem to like get an invite to a party or nothing. I have to go try and find my old mates or like tradesmen and stuff now and I’m losing touch with them. And I started to just not be part of group anymore. And I was back to like the beginning. I never thought about it like that before. Anyway, yeah, as back to like, right at the start, we’re on that new kid again. I got no friends and I can’t seem to connect with anyone. And it’s about this time that being a nice guy really just stopped. I mean, it just stopped working for me long ago, I just didn’t realize but now starting to realize, you know, as I went through the whole three years of university basically not making a single friend. No dates, no six nothing, no respect from people who will just clearly like, they liked me and they thought I was funny. Like that sneaks me in class because I’m good for a joke, but they’ll have a massive and party invite 100 People non by me, you know, I was getting that kind of treatment. And I started to start to dawn on me. Fuck, this doesn’t work. Being like this doesn’t work. You know, I went to America did the camp America like exchange thing and in doing that, I was able to be someone different. For a little while for a few months, I was not who I usually was and I fucking loved. But then I came back to New Zealand and it’s like I just relapsed straight away. And I was able to see that difference. I can America I could be something you know. But back in New Zealand I was back to being nobody again. And I hated it. And it’s about the time that I found a pickup artist industry. Now this is definitely not a path I recommend to others. But would I be here if I hadn’t gone down a path? No. I needed that. I needed to break the rules. I needed to be different. I needed to see that there are other ways of doing what I was trying to do other ways of being there I was trying to be I’m not going to go too much into the solutions today I guess but that was where it began. It was about that time that I discovered the no more Mr. Nice Guy book and reading that was just like getting beaten to death it was it was like a psychoanalysis of my entire life had been turned into a book like it was just for me even apart with the gay dudes I related it every bit you know, except for maybe enjoying the penis you know, I the whole book. And I’ve talked to a lot of people read their book and almost none of them say the whole book applied to them. But for me the whole book every fucking page. I’ve just shaking my head again, Jesus Christ, I do all of these things. And now I know why I do them. And it’s terrible reasons to do so. So that was, I think that was what really drove me into pick up, I’ll do anything else, I’ll be anyone else i anything, I don’t care if it’s worse, as long as it’s not this, I can’t do another 25 years of this didn’t work, then it’s not going to work again. Long story short through pick our boss about three years of dodgy shit that I was up to, I slowly started underground today, this thing they called direct game, which is we just got to people and just sort of tell them your true intentions. Which I never even considered before. Never in my life before even having a girlfriend for two and a half years, I’d still never expressed attraction directly. And never seen like said I find you sexy, or I’m attracted to you and never said that even to her. Maybe that’s why she left, right. So I started doing it first, I started going up to girls and saying that before I said anything else, just to get over the fear of it. And that’s when I started to learn something about motives and intentions and how being honest for the sake of being honest and being courageous for the thrill of it are actually a better reason to socialize and trying to get a girl trying to be popular, trying to make the cool kids like you or whatever. So I started playing with that. Around that time, I started being more honest at work because I was becoming less scared of attractive woman, which made all people less scary, because they’re the ones I was really scared of. And everybody else was like, nothing compared to that. So I start standing up for myself in a workplace that have been more polarizing, being less popular, and soon with certain people more loved by others. And everything just started turning around. Fast forward. By the time I’m 30 I’m coaching people on this stuff are beginning to that was about eight years ago, my 38. So that’s about right, I’ve lost track. And I realized I’ve basically been studying this nice guy thing my entire life. Now one of the reasons that this group has been specified as IT professionals, doesn’t mean that only IT professionals can join, but they’ve been some of my favorite clients. And some of my clients that I most relate to. And, frankly, some of the clients who can really afford it. So it’s kind of a perfect storm. But the thing about 90 guy is the engineering brain. This is the problem I had my whole life. I was trying to solve socializing, like it’s an engineering problem. I was trying to solve confidence, like it’s an engineering problem. I was like, this is just getting the numbers, right. You know, this is just finding the process. And once you’ve done the process, you just apply it every time. And it always works. That’s what attracted me to pickup artistry. So much as they said, we’ve got a method that you can use with every girl in retirement or always works. As I that’s what I need. I don’t want to freestyle or ship freestyle has been a disaster for me, I need the method, what’s the method. And that’s what I’ve found with all the IT guys and engineering type people that I’ve worked with over the years, is they’re just constantly looking for this method. They’re looking for this process, the step by Steve linear thing that they can understand and apply. That solves all problems and never gets it wrong, and keeps everything nice and tidy and neat with no miss. There’s no need for creativity or spontaneity or confrontation or conflict. It’s just you follow the numbers 1234 And you get result number five. So when I realized that my problem was trying to find that and that that’s not the solution. And that isn’t something that applies to confidence and socializing isn’t something that applies to dating and relationships. It’s something that applies to building bridges and designing apps, right? It works very well there. But when it comes to people, you need a much more artistic creative approach and much more honest approach spontaneous in the moment interactive approach rather than bringing a script and a myth and try and avoid pasted onto every situation. So I’ve found that I’ve been very more than anyone else I’ve been able to help those people. The people who bring the engineering mindset to the creative pursuit of building social life and building inner self confidence so that’s what I want to specialize and focus on in this group. I want to focus on the IT Engineering type people who also identify as having nice guy syndrome people pleasing or, or x pickup artists and so on. They’ve been trying to find a one size fits all fix at all approach to their social issues. And on a greater level I do this work because I love it. I just love talking, I love helping people. I’m listening to the, I can’t hear enough nice guy stories, really. I relate to them, I feel the pain, you know, even after like years of being in recovery and having all my basic needs sorted and getting all the main issues sorted, you know, I mean, I’m married with a kid now. And I had a robust dating life prior to that, like, I can make deep connections with men and people of all ages and so on. Like, I’ve just got this, I’ve got everything I ever wanted, and that space. Not perfect, but sue me a vast improvement on my job tell you though much. But I never get tired. I never stop feeling the pain. When I hear the other guy stories, you know, I know what it’s like, to fucking be like that. And it sucks. I think it sucks more than anything, because you’re not doesn’t have to be like that. You know, that was the thing that used to eat me alive. In my 20s, especially when I went through that big drought, where like, no friends, no, six, I felt completely by myself ages. I mean, had people around me, but no one I’d call a close friend. Or a few people, but you know, I couldn’t trust it. And I just remember thinking like, Nah, there must be a way, you know. Like, I’ve got my flaws, and everything maybe was my ego got me through. But I thought I can’t be doing this badly, I must be just doing something wrong. I’m doing something wrong. It’s done what it is, it’s a my blind spot. But something I must be able to control, fix change. And that was true. My social issues are absolutely caused by me. I even was subconsciously running away from sexual opportunities with woman, you couldn’t have convinced me of it. And in my early 20s, you would have had no chance of proving to me that I didn’t want sex. Because that’s all I thought about. But the truth was, I was absolutely terrified of intimacy and sex being the ultimate enemy. I mean, I would actually occasionally go home with a girl and I wouldn’t be able to get it up. Right, my body didn’t even want sex. Right? I was so nervous about it. So scared of it, that my body couldn’t even function without like, some Viagra or something. And so then I became scared of that happening, because that’s so humiliating when it happens. So that was another reason to avoid seeing. So I had this goal, like I really want to make more friends and do better with women and you know, stand up for myself at work. But my behavior was the opposite. I behavior ran away from all of those goals. I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see that my nice guy approached my engineering solve the problem, fix it approach was actually the cause of the problem. You know, when I finally found that out over many years, it wasn’t like a one night epiphany. We’re just bits and pieces falling into place. As I saw why things happened. Finally, it was heartbreaking. I’m like, I’ve done this to myself, really, I mean, would have been better for just being on too ugly or something, at least then I could have been laughed out of my control. But to realize that I had engineered my own failure socially, while mentally masturbating on the fantasy of actually wanting to do well, I was doing the opposite. And I want to help go step down. There’s, I’ve worked with a lot of guys. I’ve worked with guys who have been virgins all the way into their 30s or even 40s are very good guys who have been in marriages for 20 years, it’s been miserable since their second date. And guys have never had another girlfriend and won’t even know where to stay and work with guys really struggle socially. And while some of them have certainly been on the autism spectrum, or they’ve been, you know, physically what we won’t call the hardest people on the world or whatever, poor, not one of them. Not one of them has been how can I put this, they’ve all been the cause of their own problem. It hasn’t been because they’re too short or too fat or too ugly or too boring or too awkward or whatever they thought they were. Because there’s someone out there for everyone. And there’s whole groups out there. You can be the weirdest fucking whatever nerd in the world, and there’ll be a whole community that’s like that, and we’d love to have you. That’s not your problem. Whatever you think your problem is, it’s not your problem. I think you do this enough that? No, the only problem is your strategy to do well, socially backfires on you. You are the cause of your issues. Once you realize that and I hope to use this group to help you realize that and once you can get out of your own way and start behaving more authentically and differently. You’ll see that The people will like you just the way you are, and that other people will be attracted to you, despite you’re not looking like whoever in the magazines or on the movies or whatever. You can be attractive, you can be socially loved, you can do well, in the workplace, politically, all of these things, I am here to meet a guy where I might know your hopeless scores. I mean, some people are close, because they’re just so traumatized. So shit, and so broken, but still, you know, with lots of therapy and medication and getting out of a hole in still, they could do it. And in fact, they might even meet the girl of their dreams and group they’re in on a greater level, like, I’m disappointed in the mean of this world, it’s not their fault, but they’re like responsibility. They’re not strong enough. And I don’t mean in their macho way. I mean, emotionally, they’re not brave enough, you’re not responsible. They’re not powerful enough. And the world’s falling apart, because of the lack of them, in my opinion. And the reason there’s so few of them is because most guys these days now are passive nice guys. There are a few other types, but basically nice guys is like a copy and paste cloning thing that’s just spreading throughout all men all over the world. I’ve had clients from every continent, I think, yeah, every continent, you know, it’s everywhere. Now, this disease, nice guy syndrome. And these men are enjoying being this way. The families and friends and partners don’t enjoy them being this way, or would enjoy them being another way even more. While the loud voices in the media say you can’t be masculine, you can’t be this, you can’t be that. It’s bullshit. Most people actually do want you to be those things and you’d enjoy being at because it’s natural to, I don’t mean that you’re all going to be hypermasculine. But whatever you are, is missing from the world. And I hope to help you bring that out because the world needs people step up now more than ever before. So that’s why we got the group. And hopefully, if you align with what I’m saying, in the group will be very valuable for you. God, I just think it’d be so funny if like the sounds not working this whole time, something I’ve done there before. I just talked myself for an hour and realize it didn’t record or whatever. Brutal, you know. Only give you some heart. Some optimism. Tell you about a few of my clients, some of the kind of classic cases. I’ll give you the names. Mr. as well. When I met him, he was your classic kind of Jolly, happy, secretly miserable, nice guy. He was a virgin. Never had a girlfriend as far as I recall. Everybody kind of liked him. He had a group of friends, he had a lot of friends who are women. But it was just hopeless the idea of like making something happen with a girl like he’s getting into his late 20s Nothing happened yet. All his experiences have been humiliating or shit. And it was just, you know, he’s in their stages. I gotta try something. Now he had what I loved is he had that kind of eternal optimism. Same thing that got me through the curiosity of like, I haven’t tried everything. There must be another way I’m not giving up yet. You know, had been worse for him than I had for me in terms of lack of experience. You know, but all we really did is we focused on him living with integrity. All we really did didn’t really focus there much on how to get with a girl or anything like that, or how to make his boss respect him or anything like that. We just figured out what’s he doing? That he doesn’t approve of? That he doesn’t respect. And what is he not doing that he would approve of and would respect and so on. We talked my years of coaching here, we did a lot of work. There’s a lot of damage to be done, but is recently married, about to have his first kid. Right? The relationship he has with the girls as bad as honest as it gets. There’s nothing he can’t say. I’ve traveled across the world to be together. The partners that can fund his dream come true. Really. You know, if you’ve met him, when I first met him, you would have thought maybe no chance. But as possible. He had to do many, many courageous acts. He had a lot of a lot of breaking broken life to undo and repair. A lot of things to redeem himself for But he did. He did all those things he put on the effort. He was courageous, he was curious, he was open to challenging beliefs his whole life. And he went and challenged them. And now, not only has he got, you know, his ideal partner, and about to have a child, so I mean, he never thought was going to happen. He’s also genuineness, Korea, and going into something that better respects him, and something where the workplace is less toxic, and so on. He’s just really upping the game and all levels now. And if you hear him talk about himself, he clearly loves himself. It’s not that he doesn’t have work to do, we all do. But that’s the biggest difference, the thing that I’m most happy about, it’s not so much that he got the girl or whatever, that I know he’s stoked about there is the bit the way he talks about himself now as he wouldn’t change places with anyone in the world. In loves being him, he loves his own mind. Even right now he’s battling kind of depression that came from big career and big changes. He still loves himself battling the depression. That’s true confidence. It’s love yourself while you have depression, right? Because everyone gets depression, by the way, gives you another another guy I worked with, he’s another classic case, which is externally very successful. Even with woman, you know, he always dated the pretty girls. And he was doing really well financially, physically very fit and good looking guy. He’s the kind of guy if he walked down the street, or if you heard like, the kind of thin slice of his life, you’d think that guy I’m so jealous of him, blah, blah, blah. But he suffered severely from erectile dysfunction. That’s why he came to me. Like many guys, he had this hidden secret. You know, there’s a reason Viagra does very well, there’s reason porn does very well, because a lot of guys can’t get it up. And it is not a physical problem. It is a mental, emotional one. One that I understand very well. Turns out there when guys get into this shit doesn’t work downstairs. And when guys are under pressure and stressed, the ship doesn’t work. Not all guys. But some guys who have never had this problem, just don’t understand it. Then like when you just get out, because it doesn’t work, Dyess. So this guy, I mean, it’s almost more brutal because of how successful he was. This is a classic ID story I get as I get a guy who is doing very well, like financially, might be doing very well physically as well in terms of looking good, and being in good shape and all that and may even be very popular socially or well respected, even connect clients who are kind of semi famous or outright famous. But then the addict doesn’t work. I mean, how brutal is it. And it seems like such a small PT, superficial problem to some extent. But it’s a symptom of a great deeper problem as erectile dysfunction function as is proof that you do not function well emotionally. Right? That six is a huge deal to you. And that just fucks you up mentally. And it took us months of work. To really get down to the true causes. I’ve got this thing where I help guys solve erectile dysfunction without medication, right. They do it all mentally. So they’re removing pressure, and generally beliefs around six and around who you are as a man and what it means to perform and what it means to deliver value and everything. So do this huge amount of work with this guy. And while he still occasionally has a flop, at least now it doesn’t bother him. And most of the time he can perform in does. In fact, he doesn’t call performing anymore, I’m sure. But I helped help them understand how to not only view sex and intimacy differently, so that you didn’t have such a huge physiological reaction to such a fight or flight response. But also, he’s been able to stand up for himself and argue more commonly, that was another big issue that was happening behind the scenes as he couldn’t have confrontations and conflicts without them exploding, you know, to have what nice guy tantrum that we call a puke. Everything would be held him for ages and income pouring out and he was with someone who was quite aggressive and someone like that as well. So the two of them together was just a sort of chemical reaction. realize you’ve been looking after my head for most of the time. You know, again, many months of work, but it could be done he thought was impossible for years he’d struggled with this, and it was still able to be solved. And lastly, there’s a guy exam I’m working with now. Again, I won’t give away personal details. But again, a very classic especially in the it. There’s a married guy now. And it worked. He was kind of the people pleaser he’s loved because he makes him feel happy by doing all the work for them and kind of eating shed. And then at home, he was really intimidated by intimacy with his wife. And also he’s religious. So there was kind of shame issues culturally coming through into the bedroom, and into the idea of being a man and so on. And so, again, ostensibly successful, we look good on the outside, but he had these kind of secret issues they didn’t know how to talk to anyone about because it would kind of like impostor syndrome, you just reveal that everything’s not so good. What we’re able to do is we were able to find an approach to work on his honesty and assertiveness that simultaneously dealt with the intimacy issues at home, and the assertiveness is suitableness issues at work. So as he started to stand up for himself more, in general, start to take pressure off himself, to provide for people and to be valuable to them and make them see him as a good guy, and so on. Everything started to go better in all areas of his life. And that’s the kind of approach I like to take, which is, we find your one thing, that if you focus on that, everything gets better. Right. And the one thing for some of you might be coverage, some of you might be responsibility for me it was honesty, or others, it can be even acceptance, self respect. That’s the key of what I want to help you do in this group. It’s it’s a lot of work. Sometimes it takes many months to figure out what it really is, but what’s your thing? What’s the missing thing that not only is the thing most missing, but the thing that kind of covers everything? See, I thought, in my own development, in the end, all I had to do was focus on being lost. That’s all I had to do. I mean, how to be more honest, as as a huge journey, it takes a long time to figure out how to safely be honest, especially. But I didn’t need to worry about anything else. I don’t need to worry about how to speak to girls properly, I don’t need to worry about how to stand up for myself at work or anything like then make my career go better. I was able to keep going be more or less, just be more be more of a centrist kind of blast the world with honesty, and let everything fall away. Because honestly was the thing missing most I was very deceptive as a nice guy, very manipulative, constantly full of shit constantly pretending to be complete character that I made up. So those are just some examples, kind of promote what I do, I guess. But it’s what happens. I work with these guys. And that’s, that’s the results they get. Because I get it. I know what it’s like to be a nice guy, I know what we do wrong. And know how we shoot ourselves in the foot. And it’s just my obsession now to help guys with this. So for those of you in the group, let’s sort of sum up the struggles you’re likely to have. Do you really you either have a total social struggle, that kind of especially if you’re on the autism spectrum at all Aspergers, you might feel like the alien amongst the humans that I used to feel I’m a bit on the spectrum myself, I think we’re so you just don’t quite get it, you can sort of fit in and play the game, certain situations, you might even have like a best friend, or you get along right with your mom or something. But in general, people are just this kind of intimidating, overwhelming, alien species, he just can’t figure out how to even get things started. So there’s that kind of guy that I help. And then there’s a guy, basically, he gets a lot of good results and approval and validation from other people. He impresses people they think he’s doing well. But he can see something’s really missing. Perhaps he just doesn’t have a very good six live and dating life. He just can’t seem to make transition this over to working well with woman making relationships happen, where it can make relationships happen, but the intimacy element of the relationships or is really, really sort of superficial, and the relationships quite fragile. Or he just doesn’t assert himself. He can’t be confrontation. We can’t stand up for himself in a workplace. He kind of gets disrespected by bullies and people above them or so on so forth. There’ll be like this key thing missing. It just drives him crazy. Like everyone thinks he’s doing well. He’s like, No, I’m not though there’s this thing that keeps me up at night. And also, I think, more importantly, I’m looking for the person who just doesn’t want to pretend anymore. Sick of trying to for the sake of trying to be something that makes other people like them, make them belong and is interested in the idea of being yourself. But maybe you’re a little disillusioned. That whole Disney concept of just be yourself because it’s never really worked out. Well. Doesn’t even matter. Since you wouldn’t even know how to apply it, practically. And I’ve learned more than anything else I’ve learned to help guys not only apply that practically to learn what being yourself actually means, in the Tuesday morning meeting and at dinner with your family, and when you ask that girl out, and when you go to play volleyball with your mates, what actually being yourself means and every single one of those situations, and more, but also, how to make sure that you also get the best results available to you without manipulation. So how do you have a good life, without tricking people into getting what you need get a good life without deception, without playing the game without political moving, without trying to anticipate the way everyone feels being hyper vigilant all the fucking time mind reading all the time, trying to guess what you should say and do to get the best possible results, how to actually just be yourself and get even better results than you’ve ever had before. That’s the part of my work I love the most is actually you’re missing out with authenticity, it’s not that authenticity is going to cause you to lose things will, but you’re not gonna lose anything you want to keep. Right. And in fact, the things that you do want, you’re driving away with your nice guy behave. So in this group, I’m going to teach you about applying a 3x model and teach about value loving, I’m gonna give you social communication skills, to help you find what your thing is, and deal with it. And focus in on it so that it helps you. Because this group is also promotion and marketing for my paid services, they’ll try to make the free stuff in the group as valuable as possible, as well. But they’re an upcoming feature. We’ve got all sorts of ideas for nice guy group coaching, and in support, and a one to one stuff, of course, and online courses and everything like that. So there’ll be a mixture of free, still helpful stuff. And then my really intense powerful paid stuff will be promoted in this group as well. So hopefully, you’ll find it as valuable as possible. And the best way to make this group as valuable as possible for you, is to tell me what you want. Okay, post in the group, message me privately or Jonathan, let us know what the screwed needs to be for you to be stoked, like, what would need to happen in this group for you to be like, I can’t wait to see if I can see what’s on the group today. Right? Because I’ll make that happen, whatever that is. So get in touch with me or Peter, with any of your questions. And I look forward to seeing you for more live streams later. Don’t how often we’ll do these but as frequently as possible. And we’ll develop this group as we go along. Thank you so much. For those of you who joined live, I can see those comments and stuff there. But I was just too distracted by us. I just kept on talking. And those of you who watch the recording later, hope you enjoyed it. I’ll see you guys whenever I see you Cheers.

 

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