How Your Mind Use Envy to Keep You Stuck

One of fear’s greatest weapons is delay. It doesn’t need to stop you outright—it just has to make you put things off. “Not now, later.” If fear can convince you to postpone action indefinitely, it wins.

This is where envy comes in. The envy story is one of the most effective delay tactics. It tells you: Yes, you’ll take action… but not yet. First, you need to gain what they have.

Maybe you tell yourself you need more money, to move to a better city, to gain a certain skill, or to be born into the right circumstances. Whatever the story, it always ends with: Not yet.

Or worse, envy convinces you that you’ll never succeed. It picks an advantage someone else has—something you can’t change, like their height, upbringing, or connections—and convinces you that because you lack it, you’re out of the race entirely.

The Elephant and the String

This reminds me of the elephants in Thailand. Years ago, I visited and was struck by how these massive creatures were controlled by tiny trainers with nothing but a stick. Why didn’t the elephant just throw them off and run free? It made no sense.

Then I learned the truth: These elephants are raised in captivity. As babies, they’re tied up with ropes that are strong enough to hold them. They try to break free, fail, and eventually stop trying. By the time they’re adults—strong enough to snap the ropes like twigs—they don’t even attempt escape.

They believe the rope is stronger than them. And that belief keeps them trapped.

Your Envy Story Is Your Rope

Just like the elephant, many of us are tied down by old beliefs we never question. We tell ourselves stories about why others succeed and we don’t. And we believe them so completely that we don’t even test our limits.

Think back: What were you told about money growing up? About success? About good looks? If you grew up in a poor family, you probably heard that rich people are unethical or just lucky. If you struggled socially, you might have convinced yourself it’s because you’re not tall enough, not attractive enough, not charismatic enough.

And when we’re surrounded by others with the same struggles, we reinforce these beliefs together. We swap envy stories, pat each other on the back, and justify why we’re stuck.

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The Culture of Envy

Sometimes, these beliefs aren’t just personal—they’re cultural. Take New Zealand’s “tall poppy syndrome,” where succeeding too much is seen as arrogance. Or in the Czech Republic, where there’s a deep-rooted belief that making money means you must be shady.

People absorb these beliefs and act accordingly. They take low-paying jobs their peers approve of, refuse to negotiate salaries, and even feel guilty about making money. Not because they can’t do better, but because their beliefs hold them back.

Where Did Your Envy Story Begin?

Your envy story didn’t come out of nowhere. It was planted early—maybe by your parents, maybe by your school, maybe by the culture around you.

Take dating, for example. When I was a teenager struggling with women, I surrounded myself with other guys who struggled. We told each other the same stories: “Women only like jerks.” “You have to be tall and rich.” “If you’re a good guy, you’ll struggle.”

We weren’t testing these stories. We were just using them to make sense of our failures. And because we believed them, we never challenged them.

How Envy Justifies Inaction

I see this same pattern in business. When I started, I envied people who were doing better than me. I told myself: “They got lucky.” “They had better timing.” “They had connections I don’t have.”

Sometimes, I made these things up without even investigating. Sometimes, they were true—but they weren’t the real reason for their success. The truth was, I wasn’t living by my core values. But I never questioned that because the envy story had already explained everything for me.

Breaking the Story

If you’re struggling in any area—money, relationships, success—the first thing to investigate isn’t external. It’s your own envy story.

Ask yourself:

• When I see someone succeed, do I admire them—or do I explain away their success?
• Do I tell myself a story that justifies why I’m stuck?
• Where did I first hear this story? Was it from my parents, my friends, my culture?
• Have I ever tested whether this story is actually true?

The hardest truth to accept is this: The disadvantage itself isn’t stopping you. Your belief that it stops you is what stops you.

The elephant isn’t held back by the rope—it’s held back by its belief in the rope. If it ever challenged that belief, it would be free.

And so would you.

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