The Insight

During a recent coaching session, my client had an amazing insight. He created an analogy for caring about what other people think, and why it’s absolutely delusional to think other peoples’ reactions tell you anything helpful about who you are.

So, caring what other people think generally means that you change your opinion of what you said or of yourself in general depending on the reaction you get from other words. It also means you’ll withhold sharing information because you predict it will be judged, hated, rejected, or ridiculed in some way.

This generally means that if people are agreeable and positive in reaction to you, you feel good about yourself. If they’re negative, judgmental, or rejecting you, you feel bad about yourself. All of this may only happen in your imagination.

You might say something you were sure was true and good, but then you get a “bad reaction” and now you doubt what you said, and even doubt your value as a person. It’s like their reaction killed all your certainty and left you wondering why you ever thought it was good.

If your emotions go up and down in response to other peoples’ reactions to you, i.e. you care what others think of you, it shows that you have a belief that these reactions are IMPORTANT and ACCURATE. It shows that you believe that the truth about who you are (and your worth) is discovered through how others react to you.

This devastatingly unhelpful belief is what we’ll be addressing today.

How Algebra Helps Us Understand Social Anxiety

Remember your first exposure to algebra? It was probably posed to you with a problem something like this:

If 2x = 6, solve for x

For most of us, this was the first time that we had letters introduced into math, and we had to figure out what they represented. And from this was birthed the analogy that my client created.

If we use a simplified version of the equation: 2x = ?, we can see that the value of x determines the answer. If x=6 then the answer is 12, if x=50 then the answer is 100, and so on.

So x is what the original number gets multiplied by, and it completely changes the answer. If we take away x, then 2=2. As soon as x is introduced, we know the answer is almost definitely NOT going to be 2. 

Are you with me so far? Good.  

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How People Perceive and Interpret You

Now imagine that 2 represents what you put out there. 2 is what you said or did. 2 is who you are as a person, from your own perspective. 2 is YOU.

2x is what happens when someone else receives you. The x is what they bring to the interaction. The x is what they multiply 2 (you) by.

They never perceive a pure 2, because as soon as they observe you, their own beliefs, biases and preferences affect the message they receive. They are incapable of interpreting 2 as just 2, they always change it in some way because they cannot help but multiple by x.

So the greater the value of x, the further away the final number is from the original 2, right? If their x is 1.01, then they almost get 2. But if their x is 50, their final result is miles away from 2.

Trust me, this IS going somewhere.

Real Life Application

Let’s say I disagree with someone about their favourite style of music. They love pop, I love metal. They hate metal, I hate pop. We’re talking about music, and I tell them, “I hate pop, I’d rather listen to metal”.

This statement is my 2. It only means what it says. There is no extra meaning hidden in the message, it’s just a simple portrayal of my music preferences. It goes out of my mouth, and enters their brain via their eardrums. So far, so good.

But then their brain interprets what I’ve said. This is their x.

Maybe they interpret what I’ve said as, “People who listen to pop music are fucking losers”. This kind of interpretation means their x is like 50; the final solution is 100 when the original message was only 2. In other words, they interpreted a neutral thing I said about my own preferences as a huge hostile attack on them as a person.

If they are confident, and were paying attention, they’d maybe interpret what I said as something like, “I only listen to metal and would never listen to pop”. Again, this isn’t exactly what I said, but it’s a bit closer. In this case, maybe x = 1.5.

The Effect of X

Look at the difference their x makes. If the number is too high (i.e. they add much more to the message than what was originally said), then they might destroy our whole relationship. If the number is relatively low and close to 1, then they would react calmly.

Their x also affects their overall profile picture of me in their head.

The more often they interpret me correctly (i.e. x almost = 1), the better they’ll know me as a person. They are going to be better able to predict my behaviour, anticipate my preferences, and understand what I’m saying. If they like me, it’s for who I really am.

If they often misinterpret me (i.e. x is a large number), then they’ll develop a picture of me in their head quite different to who I am. They’ll either have a falsely positive or falsely negative view of me, which would massively impact the decisions they make in relation to me. Their relationship is not with me, but with a strawman mutated version of me that exists only in their mind and is not supported by evidence.

Think of how many people view Donald Trump as a “straight talker” despite the evidence that he has publicly told literally thousands of lies. Think of how many people think Kevin Spacey is a sex offender despite him being fully acquitted of all charges. 

You’ll know from experience that other people don’t perceive you accurately. Your ex thinks you’re a narcissist even though you’ve never been diagnosed as one and generally treat people well. Or the opposite: maybe someone thinks you’re really smart because you impressed them one time, and actually you often struggle academically.

No One Really Knows You

Ultimately, no one can ever really achieve 2 = 2. It’s simply not possible to see EVERYTHING about a person and then also create a perfectly accurate image free from biases or any form of interpretation.

If we try really hard to remain curious, open-minded, and careful in our interpretation, we can get to know people pretty well, but only the most confident, patient and humble people are capable of doing this often and accurately.

So, how does this relate to self-worth?

With all this in mind, ask yourself this:

Why do I take what other people think of me seriously?

If everyone is multiplying their perception of you by x, and everyone essentially misinterprets you to some degree, then how is their reaction to you a valid judgment of who you are? Why would you care about what other people think of you when they’re not really thinking of you?

Put it this way: if people could understand you perfectly (i.e 2 = 2) then they would never get upset by you. Nor would they feel positively. They would have no feelings whatsoever; they would just experience understanding in its purest form.

You don’t feel anything about the fact that 2 = 2. You don’t get emotional about it. You just acknowledge it as truth.

The Emotional Story

So if you are getting emotional about something, then you must have interpreted it as more than just raw information. You’ve multiplied it by x; transforming it from neutral data into an emotional story.

When other people react to you emotionally, positively or negatively, then it’s not really YOU they’re reacting to! They’re reacting to you multiplied by their x, which could be anything… except for who you really are.

If what you said upset someone, it doesn’t prove that what you said was bad or wrong. A different person might be uplifted by the very same words. Another might be confused. It depends entirely on the person and their x factor.

While it’s helpful to be humble and always open to being corrected, another person’s emotional reaction is NOT where you find that truth. It’s the opposite: the only thing you can be absolutely sure about is that another person’s emotional reaction tells you nothing truthful about yourself. It only tells you about them.

Going back to my example about someone getting offended by me having a different taste in music, them getting offended only tells me that:

a) they must have misinterpreted me, because I wasn’t trying to attack them, and

b) they are oddly sensitive about my music preferences for some reason.

That’s all it tells me. There is no information there about my taste in music, or my value as a person. I don’t even get feedback on my communication skills. 

Your ideas, preferences and personality are not judged by others. Only YOU can give yourself accurate feedback. Only you can decide if what you said and did was good. 

You must compare what you did with your own values and principles. You challenge yourself on what you did right and wrong, according to your own ethics and rules. And if you decide that you are OK with what you said or did, then other people being either upset or happy is irrelevant.

Be Especially Careful About Positive Reactions

When you care what others think and want to become more confident, you’ll probably try to become someone who is unaffected by negative reactions… but you’ll still hope to retain the rewarding feelings that come from approval and validation.

This is a mistake.

Someone liking you and agreeing is still their x factor! It’s still bullshit they added to the raw data. It’s still NOT truthful feedback.

Attaching to positive feedback is a mistake for another reason: it opens the door to being affected by negative feedback. You can’t filter only for rewards. That door let’s all kinds of feedback through.

In fact, the more you allow yourself to be affected by positive feedback, the more damage negative feedback will do.

Pride comes before the fall.

See, as time goes on, positive feedback has diminishing returns. Compliments and validation feel less rewarding over time. The opposite, however, is true for critical feedback.

Negative reactions increase in intensity over time (if you’re a socially anxious person). You get ever more worried about upsetting people and being hated. You’ll notice anxious people generally become more anxious as they get older, not less.

Over time, positive reactions are less rewarding and negative reactions are more painful. The end result is obvious: constant misery.

Let go of validation and approval. These cannot be your source of comfort and confidence. They are inaccurate perceptions of you.

Instead, aim to become your own source of feedback.

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Dan Munro

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