I live in two different worlds. From January through to March, most years, we live in New Zealand, staying with my parents. For the remainder of the year – when we aren’t travelling – we live in Czech Republic.

One of the things that most appeals to me in Czech Republic is the cultural emphasis on family as a priority. This is actually a scientifically valid priority – people tend to regret time missed out on close connections when they’re on their death beds; and happy and healthy close connections are the single greatest contributor to reported happiness levels.

In New Zealand, career is generally first. I didn’t realise this until I moved away. People will sacrifice their loved ones in order to further their career, increase their wealth, and even further their tertiary education. When attending social events, you’re more likely to hear conversations around work than around people; the opposite is true in Czech Republic.

However, I do not enjoy living in one country more than another. And that’s because of the trade off.

No matter that prioritizing family is the most statistically sensible thing to do with your life if you wish to enjoy it, living in a culture that does this doesn’t guarantee a happy living situation.

There are downsides.

For one, when everyone is focused on people all the time, conversation often tends towards gossip. Judging and talking about other people behind their back is considered normal, and never challenged. Pressuring people directly with unsolicited criticism, trying to enforce cultural norms, is also considered appropriate.

In New Zealand, people are unlikely to tell you that you must get married, have multiple children, and take care of your parents. You’re more likely to get pressured about your work and forced to pretend you like sports. In Czech, you’re constantly being pushed to fit into the Catholic family norms they’ve come to expect.

Czech people are also heavily burdened and emotionally affected by family troubles. An ailing parent is definitely your responsibility, despite healthcare services being cheap and available. If you have a toxic family member, you must still invite them to the family BBQ and even to your wedding.

In New Zealand, if someone in your family sucks, you just cut them out. You can even cut people with whom you simply don’t connect very well. The idea of “family” is loosely defined – it’s whoever you want it to be. In Czech, it’s whomever says they are, including friends – your parents’ friends expect you to call them Aunty and Uncle and treat them as such even when they’re not related.

When we come to New Zealand, we’re always relieved to be away from my wife’s family’s drama, and envelop ourselves in my family’s peace and easygoingness. However, we have learned not to expect overt hospitality – we will have to take care of ourselves.

This reflects the culture: in many families, you cannot expect support when you’re down – you’re on your own, there is no village to fall back on during hard times. This is not true of my own family, who have done more to help me than I can even remember, but I wouldn’t feel entitled to support from a normal NZ family like I know I could expect from nearly any Czech family.

When we return to Czech, we’re treated like royalty. Days’ worth of food has been prepared, and we won’t need to take care of any of our basic needs for quite some time. However, we will also be drawn immediately back into whatever current social conflicts are happening within the group, and we can expect to see arguments and bullshit within hours of landing in the country.

There is no system that lacks downsides. You must choose which pain is worth the trade-off. Or, as in our case, spread your investment across the entire spectrum, enjoying all the upsides and downsides to ensure a rich and interesting life.