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The Courage to Be Disliked

Caring what other people think of us is probably the biggest concern most people face in the lives.

Our phobia of being disliked is the greatest barrier to living a full authentic life. It’s nearly impossible to behave with confidence if you cannot allow yourself to upset others, disappoint them, disgust them, or otherwise risk their disapproval.

Being a brave person means overcoming your fears around social rejection and being disliked. In this video, we’ll discuss how to build the courage and confidence to let other people dislike you in order for you to live with integrity and find people who love you for who you really are.

Remember to subscribe to my Daily Dose of Integrity newsletter for tips, resources, and practical advice on living with integrity: https://danthecoach.substack.com/subscribe

 


 

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Full transcript (unedited)

Let’s talk about the courage to be disliked. I think the top fears that controllers are the social ones, the phobias, the anxieties relating to abandonment and ostracism, being embarrassed and humiliated, even violence, a bad reaction from other people fear reverse engineers those outcomes like embarrassment and humiliation, and comes to the conclusion that any form of dislike or disapproval is a massive threat, because it could lead to those outcomes. So it makes two assumptions. One is that those outcomes are definitely bad and harmful. And the other is that any form of disapproval will lead and escalate to those outcomes. And so it starts to see being disapproved off and being disliked is this huge threat is this dangerous situation? So status knows that dislike and disapproval are really emotional states, what I call the disses, disapproval, disappointment, disgust, disagreement, dislike, all these decisions start to become the focal point of this fear. How do we prevent these emotional states from happening and other people? I don’t know about you. But it was incredibly painful for me to acknowledge that most of my life decisions, including huge decisions, like what I did for a career and who I hung out with where I lived, were based primarily on preventing these emotions from happening and people that I was a slave to this fear of just avoiding dislike, that I choose huge parts of my life. Dedicated, just preventing those emotions, what a waste. What a waste of a life. If you can tolerate the risk of being disliked, and tolerate the actual event of being disliked, of people having those distance, emotions, then you’re free. Your opportunities, expand 1000 fold, there’s so much more you can do with your life. If you’re free from being controlled by this fear. And doesn’t mean you have to become fearless. As I’ve talked about before, Bravery is not the absence of fear, you can still be afraid of the consequences of people disliking you. But if you can go ahead and accept those consequences and let them happen, then your range of options just explodes. And your life goes from a limited prison to just an open wilderness where anything can happen. So in my mind, there really is no fear that’s more important to overcome, for your quality of life, than the fear of what other people will think of you notice the link your mind makes where it thinks any form of dislike or disapproval equals harm. When you react to a viscerally oh my god, they’re going to judge me, as if something bad’s going to happen when they do. When’s the last time you challenge this? When’s the last time we say okay, well, what will happen? Will the injuries Exactly. Now some of you will have actual experiences. You’ll have a bad childhood, we’re being disliked, got you bullied and beaten up and everything like that. And so you’ll believe that that’s going to happen again. You’re an adult now, living in an adult world. Is this still true? Is it still true that being even slightly disapproved of, or having someone slightly disagree with you? By having someone a bit disgusted by your opinion, will actually hurt you physically? That’s actually something you can’t endure. When’s the last time you challenge that belief? Because I’ll tell you right now, I get hate every day. No injuries, no scars, not even a bruise. So if you’re so sure that being disapproved on disliked, will lead to harm. Why am I unharmed? Read my YouTube comment section. Why am I unhappy? When someone feels one of those biases around you. And even though you try to prevent it from happening, it still happens occasionally. What actually happens most of the time, I mean, right now even if you’re a total people pleaser, and you do your best to make people like you there’s somebody out there somebody you know and work with or hanging out with who hates the fact that you’re a people pleaser. They disapprove that they just like you for what injuries have you incurred as a result of that? We no matter how much of a good person you think you are, there are people out there who don’t like you. There are people out there who disagree with you. You interact with them on a daily basis, there are people you walk by in the street and there’s lucky and just get that I might not even mention it to you. But that happens. You know it must happen because you do it to other people. Does it always result in total abandonment? Does it destroy all of your relationships permanently? Do you die or get injured? Does anything actually fucking happen most of the time, you know, you just fear that something will happen. And most of the time you’re fine. But it this way, even if things have happened to you in the past, the fact that you’re watching this video means it didn’t kill you. Have you ever been disliked by someone you actually really want to be in your life and I don’t mean for insecure reasons or you’re desperate for love. But someone whose personality you’re actually really loved. How often does that happen when they’ve disliked you? I’m not saying that’s hypothetical. It has happened to you. I’ve had people I like dislike me, but what I found is incredibly rare. that someone who’s a good fit for me, someone I really admire and respect, also has a lot of dis feelings towards me. Most of the time if somebody dislikes me, and hates what I have to say and disgusted by my opinions and stuff, when I look at that person objectively, I think I wouldn’t really want them in my life either, frankly, when the reason they feel those feelings because we’re so fucking different in their belief systems. I don’t actually have a huge attraction towards keeping that person in my life. Now, there was a time when I did feel that kind of need to keep people in my life, but it wasn’t because they had a great personality. It’s just because I was pretty desperate for friends and love. The remove that desperation, those people who dislike you, do you really care that they’re not in your life? Are you actually if you had people who loved you for who you were the tight circle of people who approve of everything you said, would you need to include this person as well? Or could you live without them? If being like is so important to you just think of this, if only point 1% of the world liked you, and approved of you, that would be 75,000 people, I want you to take a moment to think of how long it would take you to meet and get to know 75,000 People, you couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do it in a lifetime. There’s more people who like you in the world than you could possibly meet. Because I don’t care how low your self esteem is, you’ve got to meet at least point 1% of people feel something positive towards you, right. And that’s being really conservative, I don’t care how much of a freak you are the numbers actually higher than that. But even if the number is that low, it’s still too many people for you to meet in your entire life. So you’re worried about a scarcity of total abandonment. If you’re busy meeting lots of people, you’re going to find that point 1%. And you only need to find three or four people who have an awesome social circle. So everybody else can dislike you as long as only a few dumped. So what are you worried about? Notice that your fear is actually more about the real in the moment conflict. It’s not so much people disliking a new being abandoned. That’s just the catastrophizing where you’re really afraid of somebody actually expressing a dis to your face in the moment and having to handle. But that’s the thing, you’re actually so terrified off. And you’ve had that happen in your life, you’ve been around it when it’s happened, clearly didn’t die from it. It clearly endured and survived, and might have been very emotionally uncomfortable for you. But why was it emotionally uncomfortable for you, that something actually happened to you? Or were you uncomfortable, because you simply did not want this to happen to you. If someone throws lots of insults at me, but it was in Chinese, and I don’t know what they’re saying. But I feel offended and hurt and rejected. Now just feel a bit confused. I had to actually interpret what somebody says to me, for me to be hurt by it. Right? Especially when it’s just words. So for someone to dislike me, and that actually hurt me, it’s something in my interpretation process that actually hurts. We have to not want them to say stuff, I have to want them to say something else. As long as I don’t have those wants, I’m unaffected. You know, one of my black clients, I asked him, you know, if a member of the kk k thought that you were addicted, would that bother you? Is it No, of course not. Why? Well, what difference does it make if one of your friends thinks you’re decayed? And if someone thinks you’re a decade, what difference does it make who it is? It’s just the story. You tell yourself in your head, I want that person to like me, I don’t care if that person does. What if you think hey, if someone dislikes me, then that rules them out from my life, that’s actually helpful piece of information, no harm done. Of course, all of this won’t make your fear go away. So let’s get practical. Start small, whatever level of disagreeableness that you currently sit in, just ramp it up a little bit, just a tiny little bit that you feel that you can tolerate. Show a little bit more of your true opinions. disagree a little bit more, argue a little bit more than you usually would express opinions that you wouldn’t usually express show preference for things that you would usually hide. It can be tiny. The example I often use is like all of your friends want to go out for Chinese food and you just say I’d rather have pizza. Now you might end up going for Chinese food. And just saying I’d rather have pizza just being willing to rock the boat a little bit more than you usually do. A lot of this is about you showing the distance you being disagreeable, disapproving, disgusted, disliking, you’ll find that often people are afraid of rejection or actually more afraid of rejecting they’re more evasive delivering the decision and receiving them. They tell themselves a story that they’re afraid of rejection but actually okay with not being liked. What they hate is being seen as someone who dislike somebody else. So if you just practice showing a little more that distance yourself, general topic of disagreeableness and disapproval. Then you’ll find that your tolerance for these level of emotions will slowly increase and you’ll realize they’re not things to be afraid of. They’re just uncomfortable. And if you’re willing to endure that discomfort, you get more options in life, you get better quality of life, he had better friends better job, he had to travel and try those things you’ve always wanted to try. You just have to pay the price of somebody as a reaction, that’s it. That’s fucking it. So your parents are disappointed that you dropped out of university, that’s all they as disappointed, nothing happens. They just sit there been disappointed, and you go off on a better career path. And that just sits like that. And that’s it, you survive. If you realize that like you can’t stop the disappointment from happening. But it doesn’t actually hurt you. As long as you’re okay with that happening. You’re free. In start by choosing one person who you’re actually okay with disliking you, if you can find that one person and commit to being fully honest with them. Right, let them dislike you just to train just like a sparring dojo of some kind. Okay, I know that person doesn’t like me. So I’m going to go and talk to them and share my ideas on politics with them, just so I can spend some time being in the presence of somebody disapproves of me, right, just just training, the endurance of their emotional state, right, it all pays off and the interviewer can endure the extreme discomfort of being hated by everyone in the room, then you are socially free. And that’s a find the room where everybody loves you express your preferences, but don’t try to manage their reaction. Okay, when somebody is in one of the disses, you can say they disagree with you. They just like you just let them write, don’t fight back. Don’t try to change their mind or convince them. You don’t need to keep arguing with them. If you’ve hit your level of discomfort for the day and years, that’s enough, it’s fine. You can even back down from the argument. But don’t try to make them feel better about it. Don’t try to change their mind, just sit in that emotion. Think of it this way. At some point, they’re gonna go to lunch, some point they’ll need to take a shit. They’ve got to sleep sometime this is not gonna last forever. Just endure it until they need to go do something else and then it’s over. Obviously, there isn’t a single video podcast out there. It’s just gonna solve your fear on this. But if you work with me for an extended period of time, you can get to a place where this is really in the past for you. So get in touch dan@brojo.org And we’ll talk about how to become someone who isn’t afraid of what other people think of them.

How you can make massive progress in just a few months!

You can do all this on your own.

Through trial and error, books, courses and online content, you can figure it out slowly piece by piece over time if you dedicate yourself to it and are willing to fail often and get uncomfortable in order to achieve social mastery and build strong self confidence.

Or…

You can work directly with me in your corner for a short period of time and achieve the same results in months that would take you YEARS on your own (or your money back!).

That’s what my confidence coaching is really all about. I accelerate your progress significantly by ensuring you:

  • Overcome your fear of rejection
  • Stop seeing yourself as not good enough
  • Develop easy practical social communication skills while still being honest
  • Unleash your masculinity to make you more assertive and attractive
  • Increase your self-confidence and self-respect
  • Get advanced practical tips to eliminate self-sabotage and give you the best possible chances at career advancement, dating opportunities, and deep connections with quality friends
  • Help you see your blind spots and errors and develop a measurement system that you can use on your own to ensure ongoing improvement for life

It took me about 7-10 years to figure this stuff out on my own. It takes my average coaching client only about 3-6 months to achieve a level of mastery that leaves them able to continue coaching themselves to further success while feeling absolutely certain that they’re on the right path (proven by the results they get).

I’ve turned virgins into fathers.

I’ve created assertive leaders out of meek people pleasers.

I’ve released overthinkers so they become powerfully decisive.

I’ve transformed shy introverts into social connectors.

I’ve moved highly anxious and depressed guys into a world of permanent self-confidence and optimism.

You don’t need to take my word for it. You can test it out for yourself. Fill out the application form below for a FREE trial coaching session with no obligation to continue, and no sales pitch!

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Thanks for reading

Hope to speak to you soon

Dan Munro

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