This is an excerpt from my course: Nice Guy Recovery & Social Confidence Building

This video emphasizes the importance of self-care, honesty, and authenticity in personal growth and relationships, if you hope to recover from Nice Guy Syndrome and stop being a people pleaser (without becoming a jerk).

We’ll look at the mindset principles to recovery that ensure you replace neediness for approval and validation with self-confidence and assertiveness.

We look at how to prioritize self-love, be brave, speak you mind without worrying about others’ opinions, and live carefree without shame or self-doubt.

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Full transcript

This video is a free sample, an excerpt, of one of my online courses. If you enjoy it, please get in touch dan@brojo.org Let me know what you think.

In this video, we’re going to talk about the right mindset that you need to have, or the key beliefs that you need to cultivate, if you want to recover from Nice Guy Syndrome and people pleasing and, in doing so, become a confident, authentic, and generous person.

Bear in mind, as you hear me list some of these ideas, you’re not just going to be able to flick a switch and turn the new beliefs on. On the contrary, you are going to disagree, with some of these ideas, quite strongly. That’s okay. Think of this as opening your mind to the possibility of a better way to think about your current beliefs that are not serving you. The new beliefs that I will be discussing are not only going to serve you better, but they’re actually going to be better for people around you as well.

1) Taking care of yourself is taking care of others

Being self-serving is not the same as being selfish. When you take good care of yourself, you’re a better person, and you’re in a better position to take care of others. When you sacrifice yourself for others, you’re actually making yourself into a weak, deprived person, and you are forcing your help onto others. That’s not what people need you to do. People need you to take good care of yourself first. So putting yourself first is actually in everyone’s best interests.

2) My truth is more valuable than my lies

What this means is that while your truth may hurt someone’s feelings or it might be something that they can’t quite handle at the moment, if it is accurate information, which means they can use it, they can make decisions based upon it. They can plan, they can decide what they’re going to do with you and with their life around you, based on information that is true. In other words, their choices based on your truthful information is going to, most probably, lead them to the best decision that they can make. When you feed them lies and deception, and that’s what they will base their decisions on, you can lead them down a false path that can lead them to a fake life.

If, for example, they think that you like them, and you don’t, they might be making plans around you liking them, and then be disappointed and crushed when they finally realize that you don’t really like them. It could also crush all their plans. So, make sure that people are getting the best information possible, so that they can make decisions, and that information is the truth.

3) It is okay for people to dislike you

Disagreement and dislike are not the same thing. You can allow people to both disagree with you and to dislike you. However, do not mistake someone disagreeing with you with them disliking you. But also, don’t stop someone from disliking you. People that you are looking for might be disagreeable or agreeable and be like you, but people who dislike you are people that you do not need in your life anyways.

So there’s no reason to put effort into making people like you. The only relationship you’re in for the rest of your life is the one you have with yourself. So that must be your priority. How do you build a good relationship with yourself? By doing things that make you love yourself, respect yourself, and admire behavior that you’re proud of. That must be the priority over everything else, including and especially behavior that’s just to please others. You’ve survived everything that’s ever happened to you so far. So, that “I am not good enough” story in your head must be a lie. If you were really not good enough, you wouldn’t be watching this video right now. Because you’d be dead.

4) Comparing yourself to others is both inaccurate and pointless

You don’t know what you’re really seeing, and you don’t know what’s happening behind the scenes. You just look at a small slice of someone’s life and compare yourself to it without knowing the full person and what’s really going on. You don’t even know if what you’re seeing in a person’s life is really actually that successful. And even if it is, you don’t know where their pain is hidden in the other areas of their life. And even if they are doing better than you–so, what? How does that information help you at all? It doesn’t. So, comparing yourself to others is a pointless measurement.

5) Honesty is the key to building confidence and connections

Why? Because honesty is the removal of shame, it’s you being able to express yourself boldly. That is what makes you proud of yourself. And it builds connections because the only way you’re going to get deep and intimate with someone is if they can really get to know you. And the only way they can do that is if you’re being honest. So, if you want to be confident and well connected, you must be honest. And this must take priority over saying small deceptions and lies that make people happy.

6) Say goodbye to childhood strategies

What Got You Here Won’t Get You There. Whatever childhood strategies helped you survive up until this point, they must now be put away. Just because it got you here doesn’t mean it’s going to continue to be successful. In fact, if you’re this far into the course, it’s because it hasn’t been successful or it stopped being successful. So, now it’s time to use a new strategy, one that isn’t something that a child made up.

7) Bravery is better, and more realistic, than fearlessness

You’re sitting around waiting not to be afraid, not to be uncomfortable, not to be anxious, not to be terrified. That’s not going to happen. Fear is a natural human emotion that will occur to you for the rest of your life. Bravery is doing something that you’re uncomfortable doing, it isn’t waiting to be comfortable to do it. So, focus on being brave over being fearless because one of these two options can be done and the other one is impossible.

8) Being nice is manipulation

You must allow people to run their own lives without your interference. Being nice is not the same as being genuinely generous, or helpful or giving. Being nice is about putting on a performance that makes people like you more and trying to control their emotions. In other words, it is nothing more than manipulation. Stop doing it, stop telling yourself that you’re a good person for doing it, because you’re not.

9) You must not have double standards

You cannot treat people better than you treat yourself. You cannot treat people in a way that you wouldn’t want them to treat you. Everything must be equal. So, if you find yourself being really nice to people all the time, but you would resist it if people did that to you, then you have to stop doing it. If you find that you treat people with kindness, but you’re mean to yourself, then start treating yourself with kindness.

10) Discomfort won’t kill you, but endless comfort will

Sure, it might not kill your body, but it will kill your spirit. It will destroy your psyche; it will make your life miserable–to try and do the familiar thing that you’ve always done all the time. Hell, it’s not even that comfortable really, it’s just familiar. Discomfort is doing something unfamiliar. It is doing something that creates emotions that you find unpleasant. However, this is almost always the path towards greatness.

11) Quality is better than quantity, socially speaking

So instead of trying to make everyone like you, look to find the few that love you for who you are, and allow the rest to dislike you or ignore you. Put it this way, what would you prefer: a hundred superficial friends, who don’t really care about you, or five deeply personal friendships with people who would die for you? You cannot have both.

12) You can always walk away when the discomfort gets too great

So, start getting uncomfortable. Start being more confrontational. Start standing up for yourself. Start saying what you really believe in, voicing your opinions and your thoughts and your feelings and anything else that might upset people. Give yourself permission to leave if the conversation gets too much for you. You never have to stay to the point of being terrified, but you do have to act to the point of being uncomfortable.

13) Nothing happens if people judge you

I know, it’s hard to believe. However, if you look back, you’ll realize that even when people judge you really negatively, nothing really happens to you. You can let it happen. People can talk about you behind your back, they can think things about you that are incorrect. They can hate you. Nearly all the time. nothing actually happens when they feel this way about you. So why are you worried about it?

14) You have a choice between discomfort or misery

You can do bold, honest acts of integrity that you find uncomfortable and that bring up emotions that you don’t want to deal with or you can avoid all that stuff and keep being fake and end up with a life that makes you miserable: where you don’t know who you really are, or your connections with other people are fake or forced, and your career sucks and you just feel like you have wasted your life. That’s misery. Which one is worse, really? You have to take the short-term pain instead of the long term suffering.

How you can make massive progress in just a few months!

You can do all this on your own.

Through trial and error, books, courses and online content, you can figure it out slowly piece by piece over time if you dedicate yourself to it and are willing to fail often and get uncomfortable in order to achieve social mastery and build strong self confidence.

Or…

You can work directly with me in your corner for a short period of time and achieve the same results in months that would take you YEARS on your own (or your money back!).

That’s what my confidence coaching is really all about. I accelerate your progress significantly by ensuring you:

• Overcome your fear of rejection
• Stop seeing yourself as not good enough
• Develop easy practical social communication skills while still being honest
• Unleash your masculinity to make you more assertive and attractive
• Increase your self-confidence and self-respect
• Get advanced practical tips to eliminate self-sabotage and give you the best possible chances at career advancement, dating opportunities, and deep connections with quality friends
• Help you see your blind spots and errors and develop a measurement system that you can use on your own to ensure ongoing improvement for life

It took me about 7-10 years to figure this stuff out on my own. It takes my average coaching client only about 3-6 months to achieve a level of mastery that leaves them able to continue coaching themselves to further success while feeling absolutely certain that they’re on the right path (proven by the results they get).

I’ve turned virgins into fathers.

I’ve created assertive leaders out of meek people pleasers.

I’ve released overthinkers so they become powerfully decisive.

I’ve transformed shy introverts into social connectors.

I’ve moved highly anxious and depressed guys into a world of permanent self-confidence and optimism.

You don’t need to take my word for it. You can test it out for yourself. Fill out the application form below for a FREE trial coaching session with no obligation to continue, and no sales pitch!

My coaching will either blow you away and convince you that it’s worth it, or you’ll simply spend an hour talking to me without losing anything.

>> Click here to apply for a complimentary trial coaching session

Thanks for reading

Hope to speak to you soon

Dan Munro