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The Blueprint for Bravery

Courage seems like a mystery, like it’s something you either have or you don’t. But what if you can build it like any other skillset?

In this online group meeting, Dan Munro and the Brojo lads talk about bravery and courage.

We explore how to be more courageous and manage your own bravery levels through a practical blueprint. This is about understanding what fear actually is as a brain function, and how you can manually override fear when it is being obstructive rather than helpful.

This is a combination of mindset and beliefs with new behaviours, all aimed at making it easier and simpler for you to do the uncomfortable things that improve your life.

Video version above, podcast version below.

 


 

If you’d like to master your courage, get in touch with Dan to talk about coaching

dan@brojo.org

 


Podcast version:

 


WHAT IS BRAVERY – webinar notes:

Value of courage

Acting in a way that increases fear sensations

Fear is basically any form of discomfort – Uncertainty – Distraction – Nervousness – Terror – Confusion – Busyness

Courage is not strength but wisdom

You’re in a negotiation with fear, which uses underhanded sales techniques

Delay is the most common technique – Don’t know enough yet – Inappropriate – Dangerous – Need permission – Can’t be sure of your motives – It’s not fear, it’s some other reasonable reason

Bravery is about acting in spite of this counter-advice

Fear then uses ‘false support’ techniques when it sees you plan to go through with it (or have already started) – Demand more than you’re capable of – Convince you you’ve done enough to earn a break – Undermine the importance of it – it’s not enough

Building courage is about taking the hard road every time it’s available

Small but significant

Assume any resistance is fear and that you can’t trust yourself to judge which battles should be fought until you’ve proven you’ll fight any battle

3 actions to build courage

* Desensitize to your biggest fear – E.g rejection – 1-10 scale – Min. possible action – Slowly move up the scale every week – Mindfulness techniques while doing the action – Get your intentions right – your fear is mostly about attachment to outcomes, set the courage intention

Take the hard road – Choose discomfort – When presented with two ways, take the least comfortable – Once per day – E.g. park example – Cold showers – Dress weird – Upgrades e.g. call instead of text, cycle instead of drive

Always be a beginner – Make sure you do something for the first time every week – Move up to the next levels as soon as you’re 80% ready – Try it before researching how to

 


Full transcript (unedited)

you know recording go awesome so we are underway so to give you a bit of context the reason I wanted to do a discussion on bravery is twofold one is it’s one of those things that’s been coming up a lot in my work and that’s people have discovered that the main value they’re either not living by or the main value that will support them having integrity more is courage and I’ve as I’ve been writing my latest book on honesty which is almost really good publishing I’ve come to realize that when somebody struggles with honesty what they usually struggle with is either courage or curiosity what they means is either you’re too afraid to be honest or you don’t know what the truth is you know those are the two main reasons that somebody would be dishonest now not knowing is you’re trying to be honest but you’re just saying something that’s inaccurate but courage bravery the idea to be able to say something you’re scared to say something truthful something high-risk that seems to come up a lot for people and that’s also how they kind of dig the holes they get themselves into something is uncomfortable to do they avoid it and they pay a consequence over time so I’ve kind of realized that ultimately most valued living issues once you know what your values are it’s kind of comes down to just having the balls to live by them in difficult situations let me buy them in not difficult situations as kind of the default so you for example if you had value honesty you’ll be honest until it’s hard to do honest honesty will usually be your natural expression or respect you’ll be respectful until it becomes scary to do it like setting a boundary with somebody but otherwise you’d be respectful so one of the dilemmas are keep coming up with my clients is this belief that courage or bravery as they often call it was a kind of a natural talent it’s something you’re born with you’re lucky to have it and if you’re not born with it you’re kind of disadvantaged it’s like a disability you’re not brave enough you don’t have as one of my clients says I keep lacking the balls as if he somehow doesn’t have them which becomes it comes from a place of genuine believes they really think you know I I can’t make myself do that thing I’m scared of I lack whatever their talent is to make myself do this scary thing therefore I am you know somehow disabled and it also acts as an excuse like how can a coward be expected to do such a difficult thing that’s unreasonable so therefore I can’t do it how could I possibly go talk to a stranger when I’m so scared it’s an unreasonable request therefore I don’t have to do it and this is where just so much of the fear of missing out and not good enough story etc here are so much that comes from this kind of practice of cowardice that we’re all capable of so I remembered a time in my life where fear absolutely ruled me like a dictator where so much my decision-making was based on how do I avoid something I’m scared of and fast forward through to today and I can run towards things I’m a scared I’m afraid of I learned how to do that there is not a natural talent I have it’s nothing for me to be proud of no more than it’s learning how to drive a car or something to be proud of it’s simply a skillset I learned and so today I want to talk about what it is that I’ve learned I want to talk about what I like I called this a blueprint for bravery a step-by-step process for train yourself to be braver each day for increasing the capacity for courage in a very practical way that any body can do in any situation okay and that’s why I think this one’s so important because as courage goes up your capability for all other values goes up with it because most of them the struggle is what happens when it’s too scary to do it cool so it’s a big group of us I may get some of you on to chat and stuff as we go on but to start off I want you to use the chat box I want you guys to each have a crack at defining courage as simply as possible no more than one sentence using the chat box you’ll be asked is what it means to have courage right Ashwin good see here Brian do what you want to do Thomas not giving a [ __ ] doing something in spite of being afraid of it

sorry my internet is bad yeah it’s not quite courage but I’ll take it it’s fine Peter same as Andrew good so we’re going to come back to these and we’re gonna review them after we’ve talked a little bit more about what Courage’s and see both that kind of helpful and the unhelpful in these beliefs okay I’m gonna give you my definition of courage now for bravery and that is deliberately acting in a way that increases your fear sensations

deliberately acting in a way that increases your fear sensations now reason I’ll come to the reason why that’s my definition but first I want to talk a bit about what fear is I’ve got a list of some of the things some of the forms that fear takes and one of the difficulties with courage is not knowing what fear is thinking you know but not being aware of it but most people I talk to fear is like terror they actually feel afraid heart-pumping you know shaking palms sweating dry mouth the physical sensations that we associate with fear when people say being afraid that’s usually what they mean and what they don’t realize is that’s exclusively what they mean anything else is something other than fear if it’s not that it’s not that fight-or-flight response it must be something else and when the first things to understand about courage is knowing that fear is so much more than terror sensations Firoz uncertainty bearers distraction nervousness confusion busyness procrastination lethargy or apathy about something that was once important fear takes all these different forms because fear and its heart is not about a fight-or-flight response but about an avoidance fear is like the master illusionist it will do anything it can think of doing to make you avoid the thing it doesn’t want you to do most importantly what it wants you to do is put it off it wants you to delay fear isn’t so much about running away in a real fight or flight response running type reaction it’s more about how do I get him to put this off one more day do I make him too busy don’t make him think that it needs something else needs to happen first don’t make him feel like that’s too hard right now and should wait until a more appropriate time I made him feel like he doesn’t have all the information he needs yet it has to do more research you know do I make him worry about all the potential outcomes and have to think about how to counter all those outcomes before he starts what can I do just to make him put this off even five minutes and that the true kind of horror of fear is it has an endless

stamina for doing this and you know it if you’ve ever spent tons of time overthinking a little thing that’s uncomfortable how are you brain can just do it forever it never runs out of scenarios never goes our I can’t be bothered trying to put her off anymore it just keeps going in this energy for they can use up all your energy it’s kind of like a leech it uses your energy to come up with its illusions all those movies in your head about what might happen all those questions all those distractions that never runs out of steam so the reason I bring this up is to go back to some of your definitions we take a mixture special of what Ashwin si is doing what you want to do and Thomas saying not giving a [ __ ] it’s quite often your brain your fear plays this little trick on you where it says before you can do the thing you want to do you have to not give a [ __ ] you can only do it once you feel good about doing it it’s the best trick that fear plays because then it’ll stop you feeling good about doing it so you never do it once you’ve established that first belief I need to feel good about doing it before I could do it then all fear needs to do is make sure you don’t feel good about doing it with scenarios with questions with distractions with busyness with whatever it’s got an endless repertoire and even I think Andrews definition doing something in spite of being afraid of it is the closest to my own and the one that I use for many years and quite a helpful one but even then it has this essence of battle of fighting against something you versus fear who’s gonna win it talks about kind of strength that you need to push through this resistance

and then fear all it has to do is be stronger than you and you lose and it’s very strong fear especially if you’ve lived in a cowardly way for a long time he has been at the gym working out while you’ve been sitting on the couch you’ve got no shot right it knows what to say to you it’s like when you’ve got a manipulative parent who like pushes your buttons fears even better than their fear knows exactly what to say to you to make you go on a [ __ ] their you knows exactly it is you so it there’s no secrets to fear knows exactly the scenario you hate the most you know if you’re afraid of violence it’ll look at that girl you’re attracted to is like what a few big boyfriend comes and smashes you yeah ie got me without I’m sure there’s the other guy is afraid of humiliation but what if she screams he’ll use whatever your thing is because it knows you it’s been practicing this for a very long time and spin winning most of the battles probably yeah the thing is though of course that’s when it’s at the point where you’re about to do something fear does a space work in preventing that from happening preventing you from even getting close to doing it distraction busyness procrastination confusion well he seems to be like [ __ ] it’s been a month I still haven’t done their thing now [ __ ] as as possible I don’t feel afraid it must be I’m a lazy person you know it fears in the background laughing at you because you don’t even realize fear has involved a

couple more things yeah so Christians brought up a great point here all fear needs to do is keep you busy long enough until the opportunity’s gone and the in fear runs off and you’re left with your values punishing you you know you’re there I argument with your bellies like when you take that [ __ ] opportunity and you’re like why whit’s be gone he was here before they were saying I couldn’t where the [ __ ] isn’t going it you know he’s just lift you out to dry you know suddenly your justice failure didn’t who didn’t ever big enough balls

one of the greatest lessons I figured out courage is not strength it’s not the ability to push through fear courage is wisdom it’s about outsmarting fear okay this isn’t a battle of strength but a battle of intelligence essentially the reason fear is able to stop you in the first place is because you believe what it tells you then you fall for it and once you’re in their world you have no power so for example once you’re in the world of the bleep I need to feel good before I can do something in fear controls the way you feel you’re powerless you know or you’re in the world where you’ve got to do it perfect then fear can see it a perfect standard that’s too much for you you’re powerless it’s being drawn into their world that’s what cowardice really is is being deceived manipulated falling for the magic trick you particularly for the trick of I don’t think fears involved I’m just too lazy or just not skilled enough you know that other guy has an advantage that I don’t have not realizing all these things are just you being afraid that’s all they ever were

so the first thing I want you to kind of set in your head is that any time you even slightly delay on doing the right thing even questioning whether or not it is the right thing before trying it assume straightaway this is fear doesn’t matter how calm you feel doesn’t matter how rational the voices are on your head just make the assumption I’m afraid right now because even if you’re wrong you’ll still end up living by your values so does it you can’t go wrong with this but whenever I look at myself doing something that isn’t right making something harder for myself to do the right thing avoiding something that I know I should be doing I just go I’m definitely afraid of something because then at least I know what I’m dealing with not dealing with laziness I’m not a procrastinator I’m not a perfectionist a coward essentially once I could face up to that then I can deal with this on a truthful basis yeah here we see it sometimes you still have to use common sense what I’d say until you know that you’re a very brave person you can’t trust your common sense that your common sense committee has been infiltrated by fear it’s a corrupt committee at this stage once you’re someone who nearly always like 90% of the time does what he’s afraid of then you can trust common sense then you can trust your instincts no it makes you an interesting transition in my life where I’ve got to learn to trust my instincts more I had to learn to distrust them because they are always just fear pretending to be common sense and now that I know I can do the things I’m afraid of I have to listen to them again because now they’re like been attuned now they’re telling me helpful information we’ll talk a bit about not being ridiculously or reckless and I’m taking huge risks later on but all I’m saying at the bit where you’re analyzing your behavior or lack of behavior starting with the assumption I’m afraid the upside to that is you can’t be courageous or brave without being afraid if you’re not feeling fear then whatever you’re doing is something else it’s not courage the example I commonly uses if the the fireman runs into the burning building to save the baby the guy that’s so brave well only if he’s afraid if he’s not afraid that’s just work it’s no different to the chick at the supermarket scanning your items that’s just his job if he’s not afraid now that same guy and I know this from actually working with a go like this would be afraid of asking the girl out that says bravery so I’ve literally had a client who can like do the Rope thing out of a helicopter into a burning building to save a dummy just for training he there was nothing but pure joy that’s fun for him asking a girl out shits himself so him asking someone out which on the surface it looks like I’m having a conversation doesn’t look like a particularly brave act that’s his bravery because he’s afraid to do it it’s hesitant reluctant uncomfortable all those things so one of the things you’ve got to avoid doing is having like a general comparison definition of bravery like what do I think other people do that’s brave and I’ve got to do that and this you’re afraid of doing it it doesn’t count if they’re not afraid of doing it they’re not brave there might still be good people living by their values in some other way but if it’s easy for not like maybe some people running a webinar would be scary for them but be brave for them to speak on the engineer to a bunch of people it’s not for me I’m not scared of doing this I’ve done it too often I can’t call this one courage but in my wedding or I did a wedding speech you know done tons of public speaking I did a very heartfelt vulnerable speech about how I felt about my girlfriend is the most kind of lovey-dovey speech I’ve ever done in my life and I felt scared of doing that so I get courage points for myself for that one whereas other people can give a wedding speech and they it was fun for them the courage is wisdom not strength you’re in a negotiation with fear and fear users kind of sneaky tactics but fear is not your enemy as Henry pointed out fears also there to make sure you don’t do something too ridiculous so you’re in a negotiation with fear you’re afraid of something and you and fear have to come to an agreement about what to do you want to do the right thing your fear doesn’t want you to do anything there needs to be some sort of middle ground here that’s what courage is a negotiation with your fear how much discomfort are you allowed to do today just I looking at my notes I got skipped over this but in case I haven’t already covered these those are some of the things that feared users as negotiation techniques one you don’t know enough yet this idea that you need more information before you can take this action you know Camille I went to start my business I kept like doing all this research on how to start a business right my fake of Tommy now you you need to know more you need to know more that’s what got me into pickup I can’t talk to girls until I know how to talk to girls I need to know more use to absorb all those information another one I was tell you it’s inappropriate and play on your social fears yeah not here not now you can do sometimes just not right here right now very very seemingly common sense delay you know but at all it is a delay it can say that any situations inappropriate if you notice that like you’ll be bargaining with your fear about the right time to do something and you’ll come to an agreement and then that right time comes up and fear suddenly changes the agreement or now you can’t do it because blah blah blah you know everything I’ve got to tell that girl I like her but I can’t do it here because everyone’s watching you know your fears like yeah you gotta wait till it’s just the two of you then later on it is just the two of you near like oh [ __ ] no I can’t tell her now because she just I don’t know she just broke up with her boyfriend she honorable it’s not the right time feel like backtracks gives you a new reason he can make any time inappropriate the obvious one dangerous they will tell you that there is a threat in the situation there must be avoided that you’re in danger theory occasionally it’s accurate with this prediction that most of the time no it’s not because what you will know from your own experience most the time if you do something courageous the first thought you have afterwards as I wasn’t that bad you notice that how often that’s the response that your fears prediction of how dangerous it was was usually wrong it didn’t go down like you thought it would sometimes it does and that’s kind of like the worst thing for someone who’s easily afraid a few times or it did go really wrong you take that as confirmation that your fear knows what it’s talking about that good at predicting things just like if somebody accurately predicts the way that once anything oh they must be good at predicting the weather even though they’re wrong like nine times out of ten at least needing permission kind of vague since they need someone else to be on board with this before you move forward you know it sounds so reasonable you know like try and think of recent one from my life a sort of recent one similar to the I don’t know enough yet one is I wanted a few months ago on to start doing those kind of pull ups at the gym because I just thought they were kind of beasts and I know they like the hardest thing to do so we can do those that’s like the best thing for your body but I thought I needed a personal trainer to show me how to do them properly first totally reasonable sounding thought right so yeah I don’t want to injure my body right I want to get my form correct do they notice how I never really found the personal trainer or signed up or put my Tiffin into finding one it was [ __ ] I do not need a personal trainer to go like that once and see what happens right but my brain told me I did I need that kind of permission from authority figure which is just a delay that’s all it was that’s all it ever is it doesn’t really want you to get a personal trainer it just doesn’t want you to do this thing right now as long as that happens goal accomplished that forgets about after there a big one that’s come up in the Facebook group a lot specially on guys going up and talking to strangers and being given is this idea that you’re not sure of why you’re doing it you can’t trust your motives you’re not sure that you’re living by your values there’d be somebody’s keen to live by the value of giving by talking of strangers and you start telling yourself well am I really giving or am I just secretly selfish and this is all just me lying to notice that delay this conversation ensues you won’t know why you did until after you do it the affair does this big conversation beforehand trying to convince you you need to get your motives right before you do it delay delay delay delay yeah this is a very sneaky one for someone he gets into self-development because it has all these great intentions oh I’ve gotta live by my core values heaven tea curry I’ve got do this everything for the right reason named fear just goes okay I’ll use that then I’ll make you doubt every reason you do everything fear will use whatever you’re working with you’re working with values we’ll use that against you working with goals will turn the goals against you make them too big working with somebody else will make you want their approval they’ll use whatever’s going on okay overwhelm is a big one he’ll be like okay you can do it be going perfectly you do it the right way don’t do it the wrong way it’s actually like fear I call it like false coaching fear sounds like it’s on your team like yeah [ __ ] you go do it the dienophile is worth do it right he’s a guy oh [ __ ] I don’t think I can do it that right I’d better go do some more research first look here’s like hey I’m on your side I want you to do it really I do like I’m on your team you know just make sure you do it absolutely 100% perfect that’s all I ask you know better than anyone ever did it that’s all I ask just go right so it’s really hard to know that that’s fear because it sounds like you got this motivational voice in your head like [ __ ] yeah let’s do it but actually it’s going [ __ ] yeah look how big and scary it is feel that all shared right I used to well some of you maybe you know do the work show so I take guys out onto the streets go meet people count say oh you know why don’t you go talk to her and the guy go I don’t know she doesn’t look like girlfriend material like girlfriend material I think I say hi I didn’t say go [ __ ] propose to her but his fears instantly gone as big as a can be like what you got to make her your girlfriend you know my dishes you she might be a lesbian you don’t know anything you go say hi but his fear tried to make it as big as possible so that it’s impossible sounds like real reason why would I talk to a girl that clearly isn’t right for me seems like a reasonable thing right dude all you know she’s got a red top and that she’s walking away you don’t know [ __ ] yet but fears managed to convince them that with this brief scan you can see a whole personality isn’t worth going into a blob or buy a big story yeah same thing applies starting a business for example you know but what if is ism the right product for the right market Banzai have you made one yet what are you talking about but I know that for you I mean when I first I’m like are there’s too many coaches out there already somebody’s like really how many I don’t know actually yeah shut up so that over well making this thing bigger than it needs to be right now so that you don’t do anything and the last one which is in line with the common sense thing Henry brought up I think the most devious trick that fear users is it pretends to be reasonable rationality it gives you this bullet point presentation clearly explaining the situation as facts and making it really just guilt free to opt out of this one because it just makes sense even though if you took a moment to step back you’d realize you don’t know what the [ __ ] you’re talking about because you’re not an expert in this area it kind of just it makes you think you are you’ve done this rational assessment and you’re making the right choice even though you feel super guilty about it later on and you’re missing out and all these things in your life I mean when I was going to start my business I told my friends about it most of whom are like tradesmen who only spend their free time drinking you know saying stuff like I don’t know if you wanna start a business in this economy my do you even know what this economy means seriously do you even have a [ __ ] clue what you’re talking about at all and I asked them you know what do you mean this economy means oh you know like I say on the news I give a [ __ ] do you even know how to budget shut up right but they were sounding like experts and I could just see them their eyes like the thought of me starting her own business challenged them because they’re all tradesmen they could easily start their own business you know they’d all been doing it for years let’s put their name at the front there way they go and me stain my own business reminded them of that and suddenly I got to see what they told themselves every week to delay starting your own business the stories coming out the fact that I was saying I you know in this market too much competition they’re talking about their ownership come with plumbing bricklaying or whatever they don’t know sure about coaching right but I triggered that fear as weird like watching their fear attack me when they leave me alone that’s it’s your problem yeah but just how reasonable that sounded coming back to you guys I want you to just take a second there’s an action that you’re not taking and you know it something important it’s something that keeps you up at night in a sense you wish you did it you constantly wondering why you’re not doing it and yet when the opportunity comes to do it you just died

how does fear do it to you how does it create this delay because use a lot of different takes orders to pound one sort of winner home to come with a different thing every time was it like there’s one thing like you’re not good enough just this one kind of like home run every time she has some of the stuff in the chat box if you’re if you’re cooler some of your ideas as to what fear the tricks for your plays on you even if you really like believe them you’re like okay it sounds from what dance is that that’s a fear trick but it seems reasonable to me fine but there then yeah what’s the little game it plays with you to keep dragging this thing out procrastinating on it stopping you from doing you

Henry’s got a couple of things here one is saying after approaching bunch of girls you know the fear never went away what I’d say there is because you’re always in a fight with the fear that fear was always trying to stop you from doing it you hadn’t negotiated an agreement there’s just you versus fear sometimes you won you be out there smashing it in other times the fear one you’d be stuck at home going why am i doing nothing – battle royale yeah

another one from Henry what’s the difference between courageous acts and trying too hard it’s about the definition courage is focused on the value of courage I’d be courageous to be courageous the result of that behavior is almost irrelevant I use an example you’re probably you’re familiar with like I go to talk to appeal I’m attracted to if I’m doing it for courageous reasons she can hang me it doesn’t matter the facts the more she just likes me the more courage points I get for staying in there so let’s kind of hope it’s a negative reaction because then I get to score a lot of bravery points she’s nice to me it’s kind of easy if I’m trying too hard the implication is there’s an outcome I’m trying to get this isn’t about courage carries more the vehicle to the outcome like it took me courage go talk to her so that I can get her courage becomes a means to an end rather than the end in itself one of things that makes courage a lot easier bravery to build is when you start to do it for the sake of becoming brave and for no other reason like a computer game where you’re building up a character like you’re collecting something that makes her braver that’s all you’re doing just collecting as many of those things as you can handle collecting how you collect them it doesn’t really matter as long as your skill of it go through you know you don’t have to win there’s this isn’t a goal to get something and the bravery isn’t like saving up money to buy something there isn’t like I’ll become braver so I can finally get that outcome it’s I become braver saw and braver that’s it so the options of my values are extended so I can like myself more what’s going on in my external life is irrelevant there’s always opportunities to be braver every day I’m looking for something that makes me uncomfortable we’re not trying to get to a finish line here and it doesn’t matter what there’s something is an example I’ve used with my clients a lot recently was that I I walk to the supermarket and there’s a park that I walk through and the left-hand pathway is really sunny and nice to walk down in the right-hand pathway they’re both equal distance there’s always dark and grimy and there’s almost always a bench full of young people drinking and being really rowdy so I walked the right pathway because I’m hesitant to do it because I’m scared of now this isn’t so that I can beat the teenagers there’s no final outcome here I’m not gonna get anything from those other then I took the hard road and I know that so now I’m a braver person

this there’s nothing at the end of that path that’s the same does I don’t get to the supermarket any quicker or anything anything I miss out on I’ve got a son way which might be good for my skin but the point being is I only do it because it’s brave that adult there’s no further gains yeah except look at what some stuff you guys put down for Christian imagining it’s hard painful time-consuming to do the thing yeah the one that my fear uses as me is just hassle there just goes look like especially if I’d like go to do my taxes which and historically has always been a hassle because I’m bad with that kind of stuff I get their notification from my Rd saying it’s text it’s tax time and my brain is goes oh my god let’s give you so much work just straight away it goes like that I don’t even know what it is it could just be a notification from my ID but or maybe goes oh it’s gonna be hours of pain and struggle and I just do this little late I’ll put it off to tomorrow you know and that’s all for your wanted me to do you can make a big song and dance just to get five minutes of delay you know it’ll put on a huge show because it’s got that endless energy but you’re kind of imagining the process of doing the thing as being painful it’s a really common one with fear even though you haven’t started the process yet there’s no evidence that it will be painful even if the past is painful it’s no evidence at this time will be your brain assures you that it will be Peter says other things more important right now the classic distraction yeah I remember someone once said Marie Forleo she said we’ve all got the same hours in the day as Beyonce and that was hard to hear and Mike actually gets quite a lot of [ __ ] down you know she actually has the same amount of time available as I do so how busy am I really the rain would be like you know your real [ __ ] busy you know yeah you’re too busy for the scary [ __ ] you got all these little and unimportant things to do first its massive list yeah a big share from the Andrew here enjoy might bring you on actually just to share this one better than me gonna read in your voice are you cool with it given yes sure so so you wanted to spin to the fish poisoning yeah just yeah so so a few weeks ago I actually been listening to aqua see where you and a new careers coach and he was talking about you know go out and find people who are in the industry or doing things that you want to do take me for a coffee away make contact and so I thought in my excuse for listening to burglars partly because my assistant yard son doesn’t know what it was to be so I thought oh listen to listen get me some advice and I thought well I should actually do minute so I was thinking about it and then at lunchtime I thought well I’ll just do a quick search on on a keyword for their industry to see if there is actually and that’s a very new industry in New Zealand um lo and behold a job has been advertised two hours previously just after 8:00 the thought that I needed to read you know how are we get in front of the guys at this company because this job advertised and I thought thank you that opinion needs a degree in in the field got that knowledge a person that yeah yeah yeah experience and various things haven’t got that and then the more I looked at it for the next couple of days I thought you know I can actually do that into it’s like I’m sat down to start writing a sort of a puddle later and it’s completely different to what I’ve been doing for the last 20 years professionally 25 years actually although it does rely breakfasted and wide agrarianism reason why I did my degree I might as well just say it’s in the medical cannabis industry and I’ve got a degree in horticulture in my interest so that was the reason why I did that tree 30 years ago and so I started writing in five pages later I was still writing I’m going into too much depth now I’ve got a cut back on it and then the more I looked at it the more I thought well not really right for this but they do encourage people to just you know contact us if you’re interested in dealing with us and I’ve still week every day I think well I’m not gonna go for the job so initially want it but I have skills and business that I’ve developed over the years that would be very useful and I still heaven in the [ __ ] letter and so the most that I’ve been making here every second long as

these other excuses about another project that I’m getting off the ground and the preliminary stages so yeah excellent excellent example of the via connection yeah and yeah I appreciate you sharing there with us because that’s what it looks like in real life like you start off all hyped so yeah yes we don’t do this thing and even writing five pages is a little trick there now you’ve got something to doubt yourself about and you gotta start over again which is a hassle and we could even see when you’re describing looking through the job application as you fear started picking up on things like oh I don’t have that experience and I’m not sure about this thing that’s planning though see to doubt very reasonable you need the process of applying for the job I could do there for that I wouldn’t get it but I could apply for it you know so your fear has managed to trick you that applying it’s bigger than that is where anybody child could apply for their job this way I mean wisdom not strength you got to know that applying for the job is actually a very manageable task getting the jobs hard because they enter implies controlling something beyond yourself so fears trying to make you focus on that thing that’s beyond yourself get the job or somehow change your career without being terrified or whatever it’s trying to get you to control but applying for the job you could apply for the job be accepted and say no to the interview if you want a plan for the job doesn’t even commit you to anything but fears managed to talk you into thinking it does wisdom not strength you’ve been tricked into thinking something’s way harder than it is yeah the same thing with going to talk to a stranger you think I what am I gonna say next and what if they don’t like me but what you gonna do to say hi you can actually run away after that if you want there’s really it’s nothing beyond your skill level let’s go over and then run off right I’ve done it plenty of times yeah I think you’re weird but you’ll live you’ll be fine to where that you’re standing there staring at them and a panic attack all right so fear trick seeing the thing is this huge thing now I want to go back a step because actually what you wrote before Andrew about walking past drinking teenagers sometimes your fear is absolutely right don’t [ __ ] do that that’s it’s doing the role it’s supposed to do which is keep you alive and because it’s occasionally right and we know it is like walking through a G I park in the middle of the night is one of the least intelligent things you can do in Auckland right and you know that there’s statistics of shot so I’m just like I know jumping off a cliff is a dumb idea I know like drinking straight from a boiled kiss all those dumb idea afraid of doing those things but just because fears right about those things we give it this kind of blanket authority like Wolfie knows what it’s talking about always you know it stopped me from running through those crowd of gangsters at the park so won’t stop me starting my business there’s ain’t same thing it’s equally smart rather than actually fierce job is to resist anything new and sometimes it’s right to do that but most of the time it doesn’t know what the [ __ ] is talking about the idea just because fear was right about not running through the park full of you know mongrel mob it doesn’t mean it’s right about not talking to that girl while starting your business or trying to pull up at the gym even though everyone’s watching it isn’t right about those ones yeah and you know because when you don’t walk through the park afterwards you don’t feel guilty about not walking through the park know like I wish I’d just taken on all those like gang members I’ve missed an opportunity there you don’t think that D but you do feel bad about not going to the gym you do feel bad about not getting your business off the ground you you do feel bad about not expanding your social circle and just staying at home you know the difference sometimes only after the fact you know the difference between common sense which is rare in missed opportunities which is common so universe is how do you negotiate the fear and courage to work together so neither is winning or losing well that’s where we’re all hitting that’s going to be the climax of this basically okay we need to sit some things in place on some kind of principles so let me just check my notes we were yin and you see before you know courage is about acting in spite of fear what is is more about acting in spite of this irrational advice that you’re receiving it’s about going against the suggestion of what fear says you should do instead of the thing that you want to do but doing so as as we’re going to talk about in negotiation with the fear let’s come to an agreement on a way to do this we’ve got a hand to him in a little chat with Andrew there rather then I’ve got to get the job I just got to do a rough application it’s more than nothing but it’s not so much that I’m terrified that’s an agreement all right here goes basically don’t try and get the job and it’s right to say that’s too hard to get the job you can’t control those people in their decisions it’s a ridiculous thing to ask of yourself but write a one-page cover letter and put your CV together ready to apply nothing more that’s a reasonable agreement between the two of you you’re doing more than nothing be not doing too much and then once you get to the end of having completed the application you go back into negotiations or I feel we’ve gotten an application ready for the scene now I want to apply for it I want to go for it any thoughts on that what’s the minimal step we can take here we’re moving forward it’s kind of like I talked to feel like there like look fair we’re gonna do this thing at least a little bit so get on board what little bit can you handle yeah it’s not kind of are we going to do it it’s how much of it are we gonna do yeah I’ve seen that person I’m interested in talking to how much of an effort am I gonna put into talking to them how far can we go today right feeling very scared how about I just walk towards them and look them in the eye you cool with that just that yeah okay let’s do that one so it’s just negotiation I’m gonna do it how much do we do but before you can get to that negotiation you have to counter the advice that you’ve been getting to put off negotiations right your fear doesn’t want to have this discussion just don’t want you to do anything kind like you want to do everything it wants you to do nothing at first you have to realize that when it says you don’t know enough and inappropriate dangerous need permission you’ve got to do a perfect you know that’s the lie and you have to be like look if we’re gonna negotiate you can’t [ __ ] me like that one of the little liar kind of mark as I use if I think of something I know is the right thing to do for my values if 10 minutes later I still haven’t done anything about it yet I assume I’ve been a tricked by fear again I give myself this 10-minute window I’m allowed 10 minutes of planning this first move anything more than there and I’m bullshitting myself 10 minutes is all it takes to figure out I need to draft a cover lit in fact 30 seconds is enough for that but a 30 minutes later I’m still writing this cover letter you know something’s wrong it doesn’t take me that long to write a letter when I don’t care about something you know building courage is about taking the hard road as often as you can just for the sake of taking it it isn’t just about swinging for the fence with those big goals you have in life it’s all the little things as well it’s like another example why is that actually at the supermarket that I walked through the park to get tea and you can see like there’s two lines one has a happy checkout girl and one has a miserable one who’s grumpy and scary-looking so I line up with the grumpy one because just a little bit harder

my girlfriend could order coffee or I could practice my check to order coffee so I choose to order the coffee because it’s a little bit harder it also helps me practice my cheek so often when I choose the courageous option I give this extra bonus out of it like I get to live by other values as well I get to work on my goals but that’s not why I’m doing it there is constantly scanning for the slightly more difficult option hot shower or cold shower cold is worse so I’ll choose cold okay order pizza or cook a meal it’s harder to cook a meal so I cook a meal now I don’t always choose these options sometimes for your wins but the point is the more often I choose the harder one the overall courage points I get so when it comes down to the big things oh my God look at that attractive girl she’s getting away I’ve got to go say to a hideaway now I’ve built up to this right everything’s come up to this you know all right now it’s time to offer to us that’s big this big package to this client it’s more than I’ve ever offered before I’m ready I’ve walked through the park enough times to be ready for this now I’ve stepped into enough cold showers to be ready to take that step now but that’s still not why I do it I do it because I like seeing myself be a brave person so when I’m finished walking through the cold dark part of the park my good did it whereas when I walked the other easy path of my air bossy I can feel it I know that I backed out and I didn’t have to but Thomas and Henry says about these small steps that’s the secret to bravery that nobody taught me they had to figure out on my own is I don’t have to do these big heroic acts I’d need to do thousands of small steps and there is not a single person watching this live or listening to the recording it was incapable of there just like anyone can learn martial arts even if they don’t have a natural talent for it they just got to put in the work bravery is like that you’re surrounded by opportunities every single day to do something that’s a bit more uncomfortable than the other thing and the thing that’s really uncomfortable there’s a small uncomfortable version of it that you can still do in every single step counts none of them are pointless think of it like reps at the gym every single one matters you know whether it’s a big thing like putting in your application for their job or the little thing like setting a boundary with your wife that you wouldn’t usually see it or just I don’t know like in Italy I had a couple of opportunities one was driving in Italy which is a [ __ ] lie Mia um another one we’re at a restaurant and they made us wait for a aegis that’s really bad service like an hour and then they’re rushing and they delivered a pizza and there’s a bit doughy on the inside I wasn’t fully cooked and I realize you know what I don’t think I’ve ever seen food pack before I don’t think I’ve ever done in my life because I’m other so as I gives a [ __ ] order you did anyway it’s beyond anything I cook you know I realize oh I’m afraid of sending it back no no what I’m afraid of the chef’s yelling at me people being embarrassed maybe getting into an argument about whether or not to pay as soon as I saw that I might we’ve got to send us back even though I could eat it and now realize I’m afraid of sending it back so that takes priority I’ve got to send this back now you know and we did nothing bad happened as usual but if I had eaten it would have want to sat with me literally but also as I walked away I would have been my I backed out of that I had a shitty pizza because I’m too scared to speak the truth that would have been hard for me to sleep up there nights you know knowing there I didn’t have to it’s a refund I didn’t get a refund actually where we didn’t pay for the pizza but we had to pay for the rest of the food I didn’t win anything by sending the food back except pride in my self respect for myself you know

and Henry brings up a good point I’m still being blinded by outcomes yeah I’m not appreciating personal growth that I can’t see physically but I’m aware of it I talk a little bit now but the sort of three actions that build your courage and one of the things I’ve got to say is frequency is the key you don’t have to do big things you just go do lots of little things and some doing lots of little things that you get to stack up these wins because any discomfort that you choose as courageous it doesn’t actually matter how uncomfortable it is anything is and what it does is if you stack them up if you do a lots of them at least one a day but more if possible you start to see this frequency of being brave like [ __ ] I always take the hard road and you start to see also the the speed at which you do it well it used to take you like days to deliberate over you now just a couple of minutes here cetacean and boom you’re into it to see that progress you know it’s amazing like I had a confrontation the other week it took me about thirty seconds of delay to initiate the confrontation five years ago if I done it at all I would have taken me months to have that confrontation so I’ve got months down to 30 seconds that’s a miserable gap you know it’s a miserable improvement and it’s when I gives me trust in myself this is the one thing I go on about with courage really is that the more courageous you see yourself being the more you can trust yourself to handle [ __ ] in the future you know and that’s where you got to give yourself as many examples as possible you want to stack up so many that your brain is convinced that you can handle the hard road because you’re always doing small that’s significant it doesn’t have to be a big heroic act but it does have to be uncomfortable it has to be done in the face of I don’t know enough yet it’s an appropriate it might be dangerous do I need permission you know she’s got to be done perfect you go do it in spite of all that noise yeah so like I said I’m gonna read before we go into the practical stuff of a reaffirm any resistance you feel assume it’s fear not common sense not until you know you’re a very brave person oh it’s a really brave fear only who sort of speaks to you loudly when it matters your fear has been at the gym for years it’s as big dominating beast yelling at you all the time it doesn’t know the difference between replying to an email and stepping off a cliff right courageous acts is gonna help you kind of define their difference alright so I got three actions first and foremost is desensitization okay so desensitization is about slowly exposing yourself to greater levels of something it’s the most common therapeutic approach to overcoming fears and phobias so for example if I’m afraid of spiders first thing my therapist will do is show me a picture of a spider I will do some breathing techniques until I’m not anxious anymore with the picture keep doing that until I’m bored with the picture maybe next time they bring a spider in a box they’re not going to open the box for the spiders they’re in the box it’ll keep doing there until I’m okay with the spider being in the box and the next time maybe I’m holding the spider in the box on and on until I’ve got spiders crawling all over me and I feel about the same amount of fear as when I first looked at the picture of this pipe it’s just exposure but it’s exposure with the right mindset you know you’ll notice if someone’s exposed when they didn’t want to be and it’s forced upon them and when they think it’s all fool to be exposed they usually become more afraid you know they keep you got someone who’s afraid of heights and you take them out to a really high place with a blindfold on they take the blindfold off they’re gonna bring you more afraid of heights after their because they didn’t want this you have to want it you have to be like Kate today what’s the thing I’m going to choose to do to make myself braver that has to be the mindset once it’s your responsibility once you go this is under my control I’m deliberately doing this it’s not being done to me now I’m doing it for my own benefit this is from me then you’re in the right mindset to slowly move this scale and you can actually quite practically do this so let’s say for example you’re afraid of rejection first you can figure out what a teen is say somebody screaming at you [ __ ] off you [ __ ] creep in the middle of a crowded area right that’s your teen or simply an action like public speaking there’s your teen everybody could turn on you public speaking about some vulnerable truth that might be controversial we put that out of 10 then you want to figure out what about a fighters what’s something that’s still too scary for you right now but you don’t think it’s unrealistic if you were to do some self-improvement yeah maybe you say just randomly asking someone out on a date you know or asking your boss for a promotion even though he hasn’t offered it something you label about a five then you come down to a 1 and a 1 or something you haven’t done yet but you could do right now it’d just be a little bit uncomfortable like asking for extra fries at McDonald’s for free knowing that they’re probably going to say no you want the one to be so doable that there really is it’s really hard for your fear to say you can’t do that one but at the same time not so doable that it’s comfortable

generally just needs to be something slightly new and unfamiliar or something familiar but done an unfamiliar environment like you might start conversations with friends easily enough but sterling conversation with their person in your dance class who you haven’t spoken to you just a little bit that’s your one mean you fill in to through to nine yeah all the other ones you kind of figure out a scale which is going to change as you do this work anyway so it’s just a rough draft you don’t have to be good at this you know you’re generally pretty sure of what a teeners can’t think of like anything worse and a1 is just a little uncomfortable and now your goal is to see if you can get to a 2 getting 2 a 2 means doing a one until doing a one is easy it might be one time inviting me many times but once the one is easy then it’s time to do the two and every time you essentially relook at the scale does it change things for you there’s a 2 now seem too easy and you got to jump into a 3 whatever it’s a very practical approach but what I love about this is the point is courage nothing more knowing that even one day when you get to that team the teams just going to be a1 on a new scale right you can always keep going up but the key is you do something till you comfortable with it then you move up

that’s it we’re looking for minimal possible action look at the Andrews example before just putting the application together like the roughest draft ever of the application the gavel even says yo I want this job and then you attach that to your CV like there’s the minimum start there make sure that’s ticked off first yeah

and while you’re moving up the scale you might practice these mindfulness techniques okay breathing exercises grounding exercises especially anything that’s like physical actions say social actions little preparation we take a few deep breaths you notice what’s in the room you push your feet into the floor to feel them and then you go do the action then afterwards after the hype of doing the action you just take some time to relax and calm down there’s just sort of like a little bit of exposure and the rest of time is calmness because you’re also teaching your brain overall look I’m not going to go too far with this you’re negotiating with your fear look I’m just gonna do this a little bit and then it’s over we’re all back to normal don’t panic one thing I resonated with with Henry and I used to do this as well like if I was gonna meet strangers I push myself to do teen and then I take three weeks off because there’s just too much when I got down to just saying hi to one person a day I could keep their going forever there’s never too much but there’s always progress you know you’ve got to get you engines right each and every time go I’m doing this to build my courage nothing more right before you do it here we go time for some courage points not I hope this ends up with me getting the X Y & Z because once you’re there then your brain you’re a beck and fears round they can play with that easier so I want outcomes don’t [ __ ] lose that then you’re done I’ve seen changes asked about the grounding stuff I’ll send you guys a link with the with the recording later that includes some meditation techniques what I call sort of in the moment meditation so wherever you are it’s just about noticing what’s happening right now breathing is just like you focus on the feeling of breathing put your feet into the ground to feel the ground look count like six things in the room you know even just pinching yourself these little things that I are Here I am is reality it just stops you like doing the big like future thing you hear like oh what if this happens while there happens let’s get back to what is happening so that’s the first one desensitizing yourself so my challenge for you guys right now if you are comfortable doing it think of a number one that you could do within the next 24 hours if you’re brave and I’ve shared on the chat group maybe even that would be your number one right just something like think about that thing that you’re not doing I want to be doing more of what would a one look like slightest move towards at the minimal possible action with no future commitment

so that is the kind of planned deliberate bravery training approach their first one this is where you’ve got like a goal to be braver and you work on their goal each day by trying to move up the scale just a little bit the next one is a more fluid spontaneous one it’s more of a like you’re gonna prioritize bravery during the day and look for opportunities and that is taking the hard road okay whenever you’re presented with two ways of doing something choose the least comfortable one and be looking for that opportunity as much as possible it doesn’t matter what it is it doesn’t even need to make sense I actually learned this from some of my friends these trade egos one in particular friend of mine who’s a mechanic it’s hard to explain but when you went to do a task say like fix something he always did it the real long hard way is here the quick efficient way like if I let’s say our remote was broken like it’s broken open I just tape it closed cuz it’s a remote who gives a [ __ ] but he’d pull the whole remote apart and then you get glue and then he like seated in a vise and he’d do the whole thing like fix it properly even that doesn’t need to be fixed properly because just a [ __ ] remote and you see a mic Tina took you now to do something I’d done thirty seconds but he was doing it right because there was this thing and I realized there’s something quite rewarding him doing it his way sure it’s pointlessly inefficient but there’s so much more gained from doing it and he kind of doesn’t write you know and that’s where I first got the concept of kind of taking the hard way rather than trying to always look for the easy way out I realized I was living a life where I always look for the path of least resistance I was always looking for the quickest efficient smoothest most comfortable way of doing something thinking that that was good that was productivity

but when you take into account it doesn’t matter what you do you only get 24 hours in a day regardless and your inner satisfaction is all that matters then how you do something doesn’t need to be efficient if being efficient doesn’t grow you so look for the hard way I gave you the park example cold showers another great one has to do something away you haven’t done it before like brushing your teeth with your other hand wiping your ass with your other hand dressing weird and going out in public dressed like less cool than you usually would cleaning something properly rather than doing the quick job that just gets it done it’s about just teaching yourself that when your brain starts saying don’t do it because X Y & Z ya know [ __ ] it I’m gonna do it to show fear who’s in control here right that you will negotiate with fear but let’s be clear about who the bosses in this negotiation who gets the final vote the reason I step into a cold shower almost every morning is not to get good at cold showers it’s so that when I’m faced with a tough decision I know how to step into it the cold shower is like a metaphor anything uncomfortable to do because I neither ever want to do the culture never I’m never like yeah I can’t wait to get freezing ever later on like when I have to confront someone it feels like stepping into a cold shower I don’t want to do that either but luckily every morning I’ve been prepping for this so I just step in just like I do with the culture another way to do this is upgrades especially with communication like call them and still of texting them that’s a slightly harder road right cycle to stead of driving go the long way instead of the short way it’s kind of upgrades and clean something by hand rather than put it in the dishwasher these things it’s just like level up a little harder than doing it the normal way but especially when I talked about call instead of text or visit instead of call this is a huge one for those of you are interested in social connections stop hiding behind tools and technology go face the thing with your face you know and make you so much braver socially to call ways upgrade your former communication a few things coming through here my injury rights not sure you mean writing a really basic cover letter what I mean is a first draft that does isn’t perfect and wasn’t good but as finished okay so you might not seen that first draft you get to the point where if you couldn’t come up with anything better you could just seen their one-page bullet points whatever is a minimal for it to meet the criteria of being a cover letter rather than a really good one I can stay in there it was actually a pasting from my own notes from my action but it’s actually what my action would be remember not sure yeah I got the lining yeah yeah it doesn’t doesn’t put mine Grayson sweet Chris I’m working on sliding one of a team slide presentation such a perfect example because you’ve actually got teen things there so you don’t need to worry about two slides until one sliders done yeah United to finish your presentation yet to do one slide that’s your negotiation fear presentation ten slides is too much but one’s more than zero it’s compromised there

Henry’s got both is one in as team complimenting girls as downs class as one confronting his boss they didn’t like I’m talking [ __ ] there’s a team a great mind a great example for this is that a five might be preparing or scripting the confrontation with the boss so you know you’re all on your own doing this but there’s a kind of like I’m now I’m prepping to do it that’s quite scary to do it also reduces the fear of the team if you know what you’re going to say it makes it a bit easier to do so sometimes your your lesson numbers will be actually a build-up to the bigger number because it’s a still a step towards it for example like talking to a girl might be very scary for me but walking towards girl I’m interested in before bailing that’s like a preparation so I get used to just walking towards people so as soon as I’m really just open my mouth and say something I Maury at them I don’t have to do the extra bit as well you know excellent use is taking the hard road need to not fall into the trap of delaying action getting more information they’d slip into not finishing or starting things there’s a technique I call drafting which is I finish the whole thing as quickly and roughly as possible as my first step okay you can actually see this on my new my youtube channel if you go back into my older videos how rough they are and they’re all unedited and so on it’s because I knew for me to get comfortable making videos I just need to blast through lots of videos okay it’d take me five minutes I’d do some bullet point in there I would create the video and post it right that was to overcome my fear of publicly posting stuff now that I’ve overcome their fear I’m putting but more evil into my videos I’m further along the scale now now and do more research videos and do more controversial topics I’m doing better editing and all of that stuff is is uncomfortable for me even editing I [ __ ] hate technology [ __ ] and as soon as I open editing programs all the options my brain was just like ah God all those [ __ ] it’s gonna be so hard that’s okay I guess that’s where I’m at now trying to get it stuff even though I don’t eat it perfect I just the first one I just tried to like cut out some of the pauses yeah I posted that one second I try to add some images and I posted that one so I’m just slowly moving up the scale each time yeah so quite often I’ll actually kind of publicly go forward with a draft knowing like even my first book I read it now it’s kind of cringe worthy to me now I miss that’s not good writing but I had to get that first book out bring it to my second one and to get that out to gets my third one and now I’m starting to get pretty happy with my writing yeah nobody likes those other two books so be it I don’t feel the effects of that that’s fine spin let’s go I don’t express attraction to girls lately because it’s inappropriate because I have a girlfriend can’t take it any further though excetera what I’d say to this one is again there’s a sort of trick happening there we kind of gain punished for not being honest how about instead of trying to express attraction to girls you think about expressing recognition to all people looking for the good in people and then letting them know that you’ve seen it because when people this is something that I really happened when guys get really focused on expressing attraction to girls there’s just so much attachment outcomes in there as evidenced by the fact that you’re only doing it with girls are attracted to there must be a reason that you’re only doing it with them because you’re trying to get something from me what does it feel like okay I’m gonna go out and try to make the world a better place by letting people know what I recognized in them sometimes there will be attraction and other times there will be other stuff not only is that like so many more opportunities and such a bigger range of bravery that you can practice but maybe attractive girls being a teen and in the homeless guy you know talk to you about us Dave being a five or whatever you know telling the cafe person you like their smile as a one whatever you guys bigger range but also you’re now not doing this for outcomes reason you’re doing it to work up the bravery scale this will normalize expressing attraction but of course ironically makes it more effective so by the time you tell the girl you’re attracted to you also just came from telling a guy that you like this shirt and telling the bar manager that you really found their job interesting it’s just another thing to tell people it’s not this big deal there has to go somewhere it’s all about sex and chain and all the [ __ ] right just tell people you like them then make a scale based on who’s the most scariest to tell and you see is so when being cold becomes enjoyable would you stop it I don’t think it’s ever going to one of the reasons that so many people like people doing the wim HOF method and others use cold is because the body never really gets to enjoy cold cold as whenever whenever psychologists do tests on pain they always use ice water currently because it doesn’t do permanent damage as long as it’s monitored but also because everybody finds ice cold painful what I would say is if I stand to enjoy it it probably needs to be colder okay or longer or like for example when I used to cold shower just stand there still and then turn it off and now I like slowly move around and let it hit all the sensitive parts and you know like wash my balls and then stuff and it’s it’s way worse than my first showers I’m like letting it give it to the corners and stuff now and I’m really slow and trying to manage my breathing and I think it’d be a long time before that becomes enjoyable and if it does then I’ll probably actually invest and I know getting a nice machine or something where I can actually make ice baths and make it even colder or do it outdoors whatever there’s always an escalation for now I’ve done cold showers for well over a year consistently I still find them uncomfortable so I’m still pretty good I’m just very quick at doing them you know those went before I do one every like five days and do a big song and dance before it now I just get up walk straight to the goal shower no delays but I’m still uncomfortable because that’s essentially what bravery is it’s just no delay that’s all you’re still afraid you’re still uncomfortable you still don’t know what the [ __ ] you’re doing but you don’t wait around to do it that’s all that’s all bravery is your quick fear is delay bravery is act yeah Kristen says he’s been doing the cold shower every morning yeah 30 seconds and see that’s the great thing so once 30 seconds becomes like doable yep at 2:45 yeah well you move around more well you put your head under whatever is always the next thing you found soaking becomes numb yeah there are something here James Kemp actually he came on the wim HOF thing with us the dude must have something weird with his nerves because he doesn’t feel the cold it was sitting in those eyes part all of us came out like bright red just ripped from this thing they’re just sitting there like yes not bad he really wasn’t affected he said he used to go swimming in that one of those dams and whitey curry ranges in the heart of some and the heart of winter he just doesn’t feel it um good on him you know so if I guess if ice water is comfortable for you there maybe something else isn’t you know something physical like doing a wall squat until your legs burn to death you there can be a big one wearing really uncomfortable clothing anything you know the point is that you don’t want to do it and you do it anyway yeah that’s pretty much the definition of bravery so we’ve got this to move on to the last one now so you have to desensitization planned kind of moving through the scale they put some effort and thought into and you deliberately take an action each day or more than one – is the more fluid choosing the hard road whenever you’re about to do something what’s the least comfortable way of doing it and choosing that just because it’s uncomfortable don’t have to do this all day you don’t have to be living in a fight-or-flight response because you’re just burning out but a few a day and then the rest day you’ll find relaxing much more guilt-free you know it’s so much easier to relax when you’ve earned it and bravery is a great way to learn relaxation the last one is to always be a beginner one thing you can commonly be certain you’ll find uncomfortable is being new at something and being really unfamiliar ok whether it’s your hobbies work in education physical fitness make sure at least every week you’re doing something either for the first time or you’re the least skilled adder in the group the second example is a particularly important so going say for a dance class and being the worst person there or at least being the beginner has the double effect of also building social confidence being incompetent in front of people there’s a very specific form of bravery to let people see that you’re not good at something you know so you get two birds with one stone you’re doing something new which requires courage and you’re doing it in front of other people who can see that you’re new at do your double points for that one as soon as you’re good at something you need to be thinking about leveling up so you’re a beginner at the next level you know there’s no point being the best white belt in the class go to the grading move up to the next class and be the worst yellow belt yeah if you play in guitar you enjoy playing guitar stop playing their songs that you’ve done 200 times and pick a song that’s too hard for you and then let your girlfriend watch while you learn it all heaps of bravery points there it’ll also help desensitize you in a great way to the unknown and once you’re not afraid of the unknown you’re basically not afraid of [ __ ] or most of your fears come from I don’t know how to do it I don’t know how to handle it and every day you’re doing something you can’t handle and you start to see actually I can’t handle not handling things I do get through it all of a sudden new scary stuff like traveling to that weird country or talking to those people you think aren’t interested in you you know wearing clothing that people are going to judge you for and all that stuff won’t be scary anymore so like yeah I’m used to being the beginner and new and unknown

it means trying something before you know how to do it the interests in doing something before you even look on YouTube is how to do it just try it is they interested in cooking literally get no recipes just take the ingredients out of your fridge and try to do something cool with them and once you’ve scraped that into the bend because it’s disgusting then you go to the YouTube video but the point was doing the first one with no assurance that I was going to be good

few more coming through Christmas doing the wall squats yeah physical pains are kind of an easy one in terms of if you’re trying to think of something to do courageous find something that hurts

it doesn’t mean actually like doing yourself an injury but they’re like tons of great bodyweight exercises where you can see how long can I handle the pain without having to worry about injuring yourself wall squats is a great one you can’t injure yourself doing wall squats but how long can you handle the burning sensation in your thighs before your brain goes now I can’t take any more let’s see how much one of the great ways to practice carriages do a physical exercise like a wall squat or a plank anything we have to hold still and then just slowly the burn builds and once your brain says that’s enough see if you can do another 10 15 seconds and watch how early your brain says that’s enough compared to what you actually physically capable of it’s a huge lesson I want to double the plank after my brain said I can’t take any more you know done about a minute and a half or something I got almost three minutes I was like wow it came in at the 50 percent mark how [ __ ] wrong was there and then even where the fingers when I stopped at three minutes I probably still could have kept going I just really was convinced to their point that I was over because I collapsed yeah that’s why ice cold water and things are there that’s like if you can’t find any social opportunity to be weird or whatever there’s something you just do with your own body where you face discomfort longer than you want to at all counts as courage

Henry and Andrew getting existential here talking about death yeah I think I saw a Snoopy cartoon actually it’s there Snoopy and there’s a little yellow bird thing that’s as friend or whatever this new piece is you only live once either so I was a stoic cartoon so he says you only live once and the little yellow guy there’s actually no you only die once you’re living every day I thought that was pretty cool one of the reasons for me to build courage if I’m thinking about an outcome that I want as ultimately there’s like a limited range of opportunities throughout my life one day I’ll die and there’ll be the end of those opportunities M I pass on most of them for fear reasons that’s all and normally when I take them even if it doesn’t work out the way I hoped or whatever I’m still glad I took it there’s a sense of kind of closure there and why at least I know know and when I ask out someone and they say no at least I don’t have to wonder what they’re gonna say um that’s as satisfying as if they say yes in some ways because at least I did it you know I applied for promotions a number of times in Corrections most the time there was a no but I was a well at least I know where I stand now and that actually helped me get the promotion in the long run but I played when they were way out of my league yeah I was applying for like a district manager job when I was like on the floor and they’re just so why are you applying this is to stop it leave us alone I’ll see you next round I’m doing this for me not for you you know and there like with regards to fear of death fear of the unknown the conclusion I’ve come to as fear is not trying to keep you alive it’s not trying to avoid death because that doesn’t line up with what fear stops you from doing why would fear stop you going to the gym if it’s trying to keep your life that doesn’t make sense why would fear stop you building social connections when you clearly know the evidence shows that it people with strong deep connections live longer fear doesn’t make sense about keeping you alive it does make sense about keeping you comfortable what I’ve realized is that fear is all about familiarity fear isn’t about keeping you alive it’s about keeping things familiar the same status quo that fears motive is to avoid change

especially any change that causes an uncomfortable emotional experience during the transition he is not trying to keep you alive that’s just trying to keep you emotionally stable calm comfortable a fear doesn’t have a very good long-term planning ability they’ll do the thing we you bail on something now and you feel relief and go see that’s a nice feeling and then later on you’re lying awake with [ __ ] chronic anxiety wishing you done it it feels just kind my bad I didn’t see that coming you know because fear doesn’t think ahead even though it’s always talking about the future that’s said there that saw iron II with fears that’s always coming up with scenarios of what will happen but all actually cares about is how you feel right now all those scenarios that comes up whether just designed to keep you the same now to not do that new thing that unfamiliar thing

courage as really there it’s like they all sort of cliched philosophy if you want the easy life do the hard thing then the hard life do the easy thing Thea wants you to do the easy thing it doesn’t realize that’s creating the hard life by doing that courage is about doing the hard thing you know for me the greatest proof of this was didn’t a small thing something happened quite recently I tried to do some fancy tech thing with my website and I should just leave that [ __ ] alone because I’m just a dumbass with that stuff but being brave I was like huh I’ll tackle it even though I don’t understand it and I crashed my website and destroyed my email now three years ago maybe I did the same thing and it ruined my day I was very fragile about it so my business is gonna be destroy what am I good no I was big [ __ ] ups it’s dress thing about it I had like 50 chat windows open with tech support people and panicking this time I’ll just say I’ll fix it tomorrow I noticed a change am i huh I got stressed for like a second this time as last time I really ruined a day in probably further days after it as I kind of regretted and wished it hadn’t happened and all the pain I went through and it’s because in the years since that first time I’ve been constantly proving to myself that I can handle [ __ ] going wrong and by handle it I don’t mean I win as mean I get through it I take the hard road and I live so this time when the same thing went wrong it’s coming after years of evidence said look I’ve dealt with a lot of wrong I’ll be alright and for me that’s the true reward of this kind of bravery blueprint you know constantly just looking for that uncomfortable thing doing it because one day you’ll breeze through something that used to destroy you and you’ve got ah look how much I’ve drawn back and he’ll and then you get a real sense of like I’m like an unstoppable beast now the fear can’t stop me nothing in here he brings a point will kind of wrap it up around here but fears like an evolution and one thing to understand about evolution is how slow it is so our brains have barely changed in the hundred thousand plus years that Homo sapiens have been around because we just don’t move that quickly okay nothing evolves that quickly but technology and civilization has changed dramatically in that time that evolution has been very rapid especially over the last hundred years so we’ve got the brains of people used to wander around in small tribes and try not to die or in middle of the food chain in a world where we’re top of the food chain and there’s seven billion of us and this is why like put it this way if you’re living even ten thousand years ago I’d say whatever your fear is telling you to do do it because it would have been fine-tuned perfectly for the environment Europe every time you’re afraid you would be right to be afraid probably now it’s often incorrect emailing your boss is not going to kill you you know talking to that girl will not bring the wrath of the next tribe on to your tribe going to the gym is not gonna poison your body you seems we’ve got it too good now we react to an email like somebody said once and we react to a nasty email the same way we used to react to saber-toothed Tigers

but your fear can be educated you can have a evolution within your lifetime I’m not talking some pseudo spiritual [ __ ] I mean you can bring your fear up to speed with what’s real by constantly taking the hard road and showing it see it’s fine you can upgrade your fears whereas now like genuinely the only time I actually feel afraid is when I’m really in physical danger okay like I get fear when I’m in the car with Lucy’s dad driving he has a history of car accidents and he’s really fast driver who doesn’t pay attention now look at that on my I am right to be afraid right now my life is in this dude’s hands and he’s a [ __ ] awful driver and this is how most people die on the roads this makes sense this is quite rational fear I’m having here whereas before when I used to get afraid of talking to a stranger it’s not as dangerous as it looks you’re more likely to die in a car than you are talking on someone on the street and back in the day you win and talk to some random tribal oh hey how’s it going they would have spared you in the face you’ve still got that brain it used to be if all your friends suddenly didn’t like you you’re fat all your resources are gone your lifts in the wilderness these days yeah [ __ ] it I was gonna find a new group of friends cuz there’s 7 billion humans out there right there’s not just 30,000 they can all turn against me your brains still wired that way so rather than fighting against II think of it as your fear as being us like immature a child that needs to be educated and the way will be educated as in these agreements right I can’t force-feed into something terrifying but I can show it a little burn go you okay with that let’s try a little bit more but to finish off I gotta say Henry picked up what is going to be the biggest issue for you as when you’re doing this for a reason other to then to be brave when you’re building towards an outcome once you go into that realm fear will rule you because you’re now in the fictional realm again that’s where fear lives that’s where it decides the rules so even if you like I’m just gonna go talk to that strange of a secret Lea like and then eventually I’ll be out talk to girls and get them brains they are I’ve got this [ __ ] now what if the stranger beats you up but what if he doesn’t like you will learn just as all the stories based on the outcome if you like I’m gonna go talk to that person simply because I’m scared to talk to them then afterwards I’m going to go drive the car from the work pool that I’m scared of driving because it’s a manual and I’m only used to automatics you know and then I’m gonna go ask the boss if I can move my desk even though I know he’s probably gonna say no then there won’t be attachment outcome is you’re just looking for opportunities to be brave that’s all anything doesn’t matter what it is doesn’t matter how it goes you’re just looking for those opportunities and what I would say Fisher with the desensitization try to identify what your biggest fear is in general there’s a rejection as a failure so success there’s a death whatever it is based your scale on that if it’s rejection to a one to ten of rejections of things that people will say no to yeah

for me like overcoming my fear of death was actually more academic I started reading nihilism existentialism philosophy of pessimism I started listening to people who are willing to talk openly about death you know looked at scientists their findings about death and everything I just faced it and absorbed information about what death really was tried to understand it and eventually got into stoicism and the acceptance that I’m going to die you know but I did like a scale where I saw my oldest watch this one YouTube video by these atheist dudes about the difference between being alive and being dead and then I’ll just take some deep breaths after then try not to freak the [ __ ] out you know and I’ll go have a look at the next thing maybe asking for what you want it’s not so much about rejection but showing desire that you have shame about so it’s being direct about things you’re interested in or preferences you have a scale based on there and when it comes to changing the hard road versus the easy road look out for that social easygoing Ness where you choose to fit in rather than stand out just because it’s easier and take the standout road a bit more disagree with the group suggests Chinese when everybody wants to go for pizza you know even though you’re gonna lose just do it because you’re not comfortable doing it

frequency consistency not quantity doesn’t have to be big just has to be often in regular then one day you’ll be faced with the big thing and realized I can do it because you’ve been practicing for this can you see is my biggest fear is losing self-control so put yourselves in uncontrollable situations yeah if you start off with a rollercoaster or maybe you have a confrontation with someone who you know winds you up or you plunk yourself in a city that you don’t understand and you have to try and find your way out with no phone no put yourself in situations you can’t control a situation to aggravate you out of your own control but in little controlled experiments Safeway is doing things they have a limited time perhaps or have a back-up plan or an escape route you know final thoughts or questions for you wrap it up for today it’s that good well let’s see how you guys go with that I just want to promise you this is one of the things I absolutely do myself and I tribute it with constant growth which is constantly looking for those little opportunities to do something a little bit uncomfortable and it really does add up

and I used to run away from all these things but I’m not better than anybody learned a skill set that anybody can do and apply just keep in mind if whatever you set for yourself doesn’t get done it was too big make it smaller if anything requires the delay change it until it doesn’t require a delay you have to wait make it something you can do now yeah one is better than zero so much better than zero so it’s actually the whole difference one is all those needs but zero is nothing zero fear one one you want doesn’t have to be a team all righty guys thank you so much for coming on live and I’m sharing your thoughts and questions so much better than when I talk to myself which always just feels weird and I’ve seen the recording out soon and some of the meditation mindfulness stuff that you can use to sort of prepare and recover from the little experiments as you build this thing and I’ll see you guys on whenever the mix for this Eastern tears guys

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