Let’s have a look at the story we tell ourselves when we’re being a people pleaser.

At a superficial level, people pleasers justify their behavior with a story.

They have good reasons why they self-sacrifice to try to make people feel happy, why they avoid and prevent conflict, and why they generally hide or suppress uncomfortable emotions—both in themselves and in others.

Now, the story is different for everyone.

I’ve heard a lot of variations, but there are a few themes of nobility that come through, which I’ve seen a lot with my clients.

One is: “I’m helping people have better lives—because feeling good means you’re having a better life. So if I make you feel good, your life is better, and I’m the one who made it better.”

“I’m a good person for doing this.”

There’s a kind of moral story: “I’m morally right, so I’m on the good side of history.”

“The world would be a better place if more people acted like me.”

This idea that: “I’m like a model for ideal human behavior.”

And of course, people who don’t act like me—it’s implied that they are selfish jerks, harmful people.

“I’m reducing pain and increasing pleasure, and that’s a good thing to do. You know, by stopping a conflict and making people laugh, I’ve reduced the negative and increased the positive.”

That’s often the story they tell themselves.

To dive deeper into this topic, check out the original video here: