Stop looking for The One

My wife and I were talking about our previous dating experiences and our first long-term relationships.

One thing we have in common is we both thought that our first partner was The One, like we had struck it lucky and just nailed it first time in.

Now, of course, we’re not with those people anymore… I’m pretty sure.

We can see with hindsight how naive we were. While they were good people, they certainly weren’t the right fit for us. Otherwise, of course, we’d still be with them.

The naivety of thinking that we’d strike at that lucky the first time round is almost laughable after you live half a lifetime and realise how finicky and individualised our preferences are.

And as we talked, we observed a mistake that people make in dating (and indeed in life): you think that you already know what you want in a partner before you find them.

(You can exchange partner for friend, job, hobbies, home location etc.)

You probably have some sort of checklist or prescribed notion in your head as to your “ideal” partner, and you assume you just need to go and find that person.

The truth is meeting and dating people will show you what you actually want, and it will probably surprise you. I wouldn’t ever have predicted my wife as my ideal partner when I was in my twenties, and she actually thought I was a bad idea when we first met!

If you’re not open to that surprise, you’re probably going to settle for someone that ticks the boxes but isn’t truly satisfying, or you’re going to end up alone while desperately clinging to a fictional perfect person who simply doesn’t exist.

Rather than asking yourself, “Are they my type?” before giving them a chance, try dating them with the mindset of, “Let’s see how I feel about them.”

For more on this topic, check out my video “Are ‘high standards’ preventing you from finding love?”

One Response

  1. A way to hack connection is to stop looking for people you love and instead look for activities you love… then meet people there

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