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Social Confidence for Introverts

Let’s talk about social confidence specifically for introverts.

We’re doing a special mention for introverts for a particular reason, and that is, extroverts can still have confidence issues but it generally leads them to do things that actually create social abundance, like showing off for performing really highly impressing people with their skills. So even if they don’t have particularly high quality or meaningful connections, they can still surround themselves with people even if they’re really low confidence.

Whereas introverts tend to struggle a lot socially if they also have confidence issues. And I’ve narrowed it down to what I think the main issue is, and that is people confuse being introverted with being shy, or socially reclusive. They are not the same thing.

In this video we explore how someone who’s primarily introverted can be abundantly confident in social settings.

 


 

For confidence coaching to build your social skills, contact me dan@brojo.org

 


Full transcript (unedited)

Let’s talk about social confidence specifically for introverts. Gonna do a special mention for introverts for a particular reason, and that is, extroverts can still have confidence issues. But it generally leads them to do things that actually create social abundance, like showing off for performing really highly impressing people with their skills. So even if they don’t have particularly high quality or meaningful connections, they can still surround themselves with people even if they’re really low confidence. Whereas introverts tend to struggle a lot socially if they also have confidence issues. I mean, I’m an extrovert and I had a lot of confidence issues when I was younger, but I was surrounded by people. Now they weren’t real connections. I was pretending to be something I wasn’t. But I was a natural show off and naturally bowled from being extroverted Babs, whereas the introverts that I work with as coaching clients, and that I know personally, if they’re also struggling with self confidence, they tend to really do poorly, socially. And I’ve narrowed it down to what I think the main issue is, and that is people confuse being introverted. With being shy, or socially reclusive. They are not the same thing. Now, there’s been some updates to the term since I was in university, but an introvert is a personality type to trait really. Okay, it’s got a lot of positives and kind of struggles the same as being an extrovert, but being shy and being introverted are not the same thing. If you’re introverted, and you had confidence problems, then you may be shy. But if you’re introverted with high self confidence, you won’t be shy. Shy is not part of the package. It is an extra thing, a symptom, if you will. He think of traits that a lot of people think of as introvert traits, something like apologizing for everything all the time, especially yourself, not standing up for yourself and letting people dominate you or allowing people to interrupt you in conversations. A lot of people think that’s introversion. That’s not introversion. Okay, that’s low self confidence is poor social skills. Alright, those are behavioral issues and confidence issues, not personality trait issues. What I see too often, especially in my clients is once people find out the word introvert and that label, they become attached to it. As we all do. As humans, once we find an identity, we tend to cling to it, even if it’s unhelpful. So people go, I’m an introvert, and it becomes like their excuse for being avoidant and anti social, and allowing their shy fears to dominate them completely. They go, I can’t help but I’m an introvert. So I know, you have social confidence problems and behavioral technique issues that you could solve. You can’t solve being an introvert, you don’t need to, it’s not a problem. But don’t blame your personality, through your trauma wounds and your you know, difficulties with skill sets. Those are things that can be fixed and should be, you know, if you feel that you hate people, or that you’re scared of them, but you also feel lonely, and you would really want love if it was possible and easy to do. Then it’s not an introvert problem. It’s a shyness problem. And shyness is solvable. Mahatma Ghandi, Barack Obama, the actor Emma Watson, they’re all identified as introverts. Are they shy? are they struggling socially? Now they’re doing pretty well, aren’t they? But about as well as he can do in terms of social success. So what are they doing differently to the other introverts, the key as I always say, is shamelessness. Rather than apologizing for being an introvert and trying to sort of either overcome your traits by being something you’re not, or withdrawing so that other people don’t dominate you or aren’t affected by your weaknesses? onus, be an introvert, the best you can and make other people cater to it. Don’t adjust for other people make them adjust for you. being introverted doesn’t mean that you can’t speak with loud volume. Right? That’s not part of the introversion. It doesn’t mean that you can’t demand respect from people set boundaries. It doesn’t mean that you can’t stop people from interrupting you slow them down when they’re oversharing, and not giving you a chance. These are all behaviors that are available to you, no matter what your personality type is, once you start thinking about a basic script that you can start with, it’s kind of like training wheels. It might be something like, Oh, hold on a second. I’m an introvert. So I need time to think so just slow down and pause so that I can respond to you. This kind of sentence is a shameless expression of introversion, you’re saying, Yeah, I’m introverted, but that’s fine. You’re going to have to work with it be the same as if I’m tall. You have to look up to look into my eyes. I’m not going to stoop down for you. Being tall is not a bad thing. It’s just a thing. But if you want to work with me, you have to look up because I’m up here, right? If I’m an introvert, it means you had to slow down. You have to say one point at a time so that I can digest it. You have to be okay with wanting to meet in a one to one Quiet ish place, you have to be okay with me saying, Look, I’ve had enough socializing for today I need to go and unwind and not take that personally, you’re the one that has to adjust to me if I’m extroverted or introverted, not the other way around. Because introvert and extrovert is not a problem. So I’m extroverted, maybe ambivert, if you want to get technical, but I can work with anybody extroverted or introverted. And I will adjust to make sure that our ability to communicate is up there. But of course, extrovert and introvert is not the same thing, quite the opposite in some areas. So there’s some things that you can focus on and accept that will make socializing easier for you keeping things one to one, generally, you’re not going to enjoy or do well in the group when you’re introverted. Not because you can’t, but just, it’s not your preference, you’d rather intensely focus and go deep with someone, then spread yourself thin, in a superficial way. So one of the downsides to being an extrovert and I can tell you from experience is that groups don’t actually provide any real intimacy, you can add shared pleasure, shared experiences that make fun memories. But in terms of like, where’s that person you need when you’re feeling depressed, that’s not going to come from the group. The group doesn’t want part of that unless you’re talking about like a support group, which is really more of an introverted environment anyway, one person speaking at a time everyone listening intently taking your time in going to allowed rave with all your mates making heaps of noise, you don’t walk away feeling more connected after that, unless you’re taking ecstasy, which I’ve never done. So you have the advantage, one to one intimate connections are actually your strength, and they are what’s going to give you a high quality of life. So rather than thinking like, oh, I should have more friends, like all the extroverts do, think about like, Let’s go deep with the few friendships I have. Let’s go deep with my partner and my child. If no one else, that’s fine. Because in the end, that’s what’s going to satisfy you’re not having a large number of friends who wouldn’t be there to pick you up from the airport if you needed it. But in terms of overcoming shyness, without compromising or lacking integrity, when it comes to being an introvert, focus on taking up space, that means risking rejection and negative reactions by saying your piece sitting where you want to sit, eating the last piece of pizza, kind of taking up your entitled space as a living being on this planet. It means speaking with the volume that’s needed so that other people can hear you. Right? It means putting your hand up and disagreeing at the team meeting, when you feel that you disagree, even if it took you a long time to come to that thought, taking up space as how you battled shyness. You don’t need to battle being an introvert, it’s fine. Stay an introvert, you don’t have a choice anyway. And really important that you measure quality over quantity, just because you don’t have as many friends as the other extroverts do. You’re not as popular as they are. That’s not a measurement that actually matters. For the kind of life you want to have, and for feeling good about yourself as a person. But if you measure wrong, you can actually ruin everything you might have already some great one to one connections. And if you just appreciated them and realize that that is the end goal here that when it comes to social confidence and socializing, what you want is strong one to one connections to emerge from it, then you might already be socially successful, but if you’re like, oh, I don’t have enough friends, because everybody else has heaps, then you actually going to undermine what you’ve achieved. Sometimes being lonely is a better measurement problem. You think the numbers aren’t high enough, when actually you’ve got more than enough depth of connection to be satisfied socially. Because if you’re an introvert who struggles with socializing, and you want to learn from someone who’s on the other side of the fence, get in touch dan@brojo.org and I’ll help you build your skills.

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