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If you’ve got a mate or a partner or whoever and they’re clearly a nice guy – they’re a people pleaser – and you can see that it’s not working for them (everyone likes them but they’re fake and they’re not going to get what they want out of life), my advice for you on how to help this person is to just be brutally direct.
Many of them have been this way all their life and can’t see the issue, even though they’re aware that their life isn’t going well. So make sure to call it “nice guy syndrome” – make them aware that the way they are is disordered and harmful.
Point out that their lack of success socially – girls like them but aren’t attracted; people think they’re helpful but don’t respect them; everyone laughs at their jokes but forgets to invite them to parties – is directly caused by their people pleasing ways.
This is what helped me the most.
One girl told me that my self-deprecating humour was “pathetic”. One mentor pointed out that I always moved out of other people’s way instead of walking in a straight line. One boss refused to let me join his elite team because I wasn’t confrontational enough.
And then I read No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover and every page slapped me in the face with hard truths.
Now being direct with them it doesn’t mean that their immediate reaction will be a great desire to change, but you’ll plant a seed in their head that will grow as they start to notice the evidence that you’re right.
They need to hear is that everyone knows they’re being fake. That being nice is pleasant, but that no one’s going to love them for being nice and that it’s cowardly and pathetic to be this way and everyone can see that!
They need to know that they can be seen. That their strategy to manufacture approval and validation is obvious and transparent.
Yes, there’s nothing wrong with being generous, compassionate, kind and helpful. But none of these things are “nice”. The Nice Guy needs to know that he’s manipulative and selfish, and not the hero he tells himself he is.
He wants to be a good person, so it’s actually helpful to let him know that he’s failing at this goal.
If you really want to help someone move from manipulatively nice into confidently generous and attractive, here’s a discount to my most popular course Nice Guy Syndrome Recovery and Social Confidence Building ← it’s usually $100, but this link gets you the course for just $9.99 (expires in 5 days)