Watch the video above, or read the transcript below
Sexual jealousy seems to be a very hot topic.
I did a video about this a while back and got a lot of feedback from it. I then received a specific question about this topic from an anonymous reader, he says:
“I saw your video on jealousy about girlfriend’s sexual past. My issue is jealousy of her ex-partners, like what if they were better than me at sex? Because for one I was a virgin when I met her and she had already had four partners before me. The thought of her ex that she lived with for five years really threatens me, due to the fact that they’d have sex every day. She tells me I’m the best one she’s ever had because the emotional connection is better than with her exes, but I still always compare.”
Jealousy is common
This is a really common thing and you don’t need to be a virgin for it to happen.
Almost every guy does some sort of comparison in his head to his girlfriend’s sexual past, and for some guys it becomes a raging torment of jealousy. It can be like acid eating through you as you start to worry about it all the time, and it can bring a lot of stress and pressure into the bedroom and other aspects of the relationship.
(It isn’t always sexual. Some guys are jealous of the wealth, popularity or looks of their partner’s ex.)
Is sex that important?
I want to start by making a blanket statement:
You do not need to be good at sex to keep your girl!
You think you do, but it’s not true. What we’re going to talk about today is what you do need to be good at to maintain a relationship and keep it safe from the threats of competition.
Firstly, we have to establish that this isn’t really about comparison on her side. For the guy who wrote in, his girlfriend has clearly confirmed that he’s the best and yet that’s still not good enough for him. Most of my clients with this problem report the same thing – their girl reassures them it’s OK.
If this was really about comparison, then winning the gold medal of “the best one she’s ever had” would be enough, but it isn’t about comparison. This is some sort of insecurity he’s bringing into this relationship.
There is no amount of winning that will get rid of it for him. There is no confirmation available to him that would relieve this jealousy. He could be proven scientifically to be the best she’s ever had in bed and he’s still going to be worried about it. This is something else.
This is fear of abandonment.
Fear of abandonment
Jealousy is just a manifestation of your fear of being left alone. I think this is probably the most destructive fear that somebody can bring into a relationship.
Everybody’s got this fear a little bit (unless you’re like highly psychopathic) but to bring it unchecked, untreated or unrecognized into a relationship is like bringing kryptonite to Superman’s dinner party.
You need to be able to manage your fear of abandonment for a relationship to remain healthy, and for jealousy to be something that can just be discussed and expressed without causing any problems in the relationship.
The news flash for our anonymous friend is: this is not about how good he is in bed.
All the evidence points to him being good enough and yet he’s still not satisfied, so it’s obviously not about that. This is about his fear: the threat that someone could take her away. It’s represented in his head as the threat of her ex-partners being so good in bed that he ends up disappointing her by comparison, and she leaves him.
The concern about her leaving him for being sexually unsatisfactory is just his fear of abandonment manifested as a threat in the bedroom. But it could just as easily be about money, or looks, or how good you are doing in your career, or how funny you are, or even your height. There will always be some sort of threat that another guy can provide better than you can and he will take her away.
In the ‘Red Pill’ worldview, this threat of being left for a better deal is called hypergamy. Red Pill-ers and Pick Up Artists seem to fear that women are always looking to upgrade and choose somebody else. Their philosophy assumes that it’s in a woman’s nature to ruthlessly discard their loved-ones for any convenient material upgrade.
We often link connection with competency. We think somebody only stays with us because we’re good at a certain thing. If we stop being good at that thing (or stop being good at multiple things) they’ll simply leave us for a better deal once they find someone who’s better at those things – they’ll abandon us.
Now, in a sense that is true, if that competency is the main reason why they’re with you in the first place. If a girl is only with you because of how good you are in bed, then someone who’s better in sex will be an upgrade that she’ll move onto, naturally. If she’s with you just for your money, then a richer guy will be more attractive. If she’s with you just for your looks, then a better-looking guy will be a threat to you.
But that’s not what healthy relationships are really based on.
If someone’s only with you for one of those materialistic reasons – they’re with you just for something you’re competent in and they would quickly upgrade you for a better deal – then you don’t really have a connection. You’re just two people who are together under a condition – it’s a conditional relationship, not a connection.
The problem is we believe in this competency thing so strongly. We become more worried about how competent we are than we do about creating a better connection.
For me, it used to be about emotional stability. I was worried that if I showed any emotional ‘weakness’ that women would leave me for a less emotional guy. Ironically, my inability to show emotions is what drove them away!
I’m telling you right now; your fear around not being good enough in bed is more likely to drive her away than you actually being bad in bed. I’ve known girls to stay with guys who are terrible in bed – 10-second guys who have never given her an orgasm. These girls stayed with them for years, because of something else.
If you keep worrying about this and keep bringing that into the relationship, that worry is more likely to be poisonous to the relationship than your inepxerience in the bedroom.
Our anonymous reader has already been told this quite clearly and yet he hasn’t heard her: Her real value is emotional connection – that’s why she thinks he’s “the best.”
It’s not a technical issue, it’s not experience – she feels more emotionally connected to him than her exes and that is what she’s placing value on.
How to be unbeatable
The good news is, there’s very little we need to do to be the best at the connection:
All you have to do is be yourself.
It’s a fucking easy winner.
How do you create the best connection? In my 3x model that I talked about the 3 values that build connection: curiosity, honesty, and respect.
If you build these 3 up with your girl over time, no guy will ever be a threat to you, because he’ll never be able to create the depth of connection in a short interaction that you’ve built over time. No matter how awesome he is, he’s going to be WAY behind you.
However, if you have no or little connection, it will be easy for her to leave.
You’ve got to practice curiosity. Always explore the things that are going on inside you, like you’re doing by reading this post or reaching out to me. Always explore the truth of what’s going on.
Then always honestly express that truth. You don’t have to ‘correct’ your jealousy; you just talk about it with her. But talk about it from a place of truth. Don’t just say “I’m afraid I’m not as good as your ex’s.” Say “I’m I’m afraid of abandonment and it’s coming out as like a fear of being not good enough in the bedroom.”
And then this where respect comes in. “I heard what you said. You said this isn’t about skill in the bedroom, it’s about connection. So this is my insecurity that’s coming in and I just want to make sure that it doesn’t eat away at our relationship. I’ll try to always get it out, and you don’t have to do anything about it.”
You’re basically confirming that she doesn’t have to fix you, that you’re not a project. “I’m just letting you know what’s going on for me so that you can always feel connected to me, so you can always see inside my mind and my heart.”
That’s the secret to connection, because even when she meets the guy who’s really good in bed and he’s showing off to her at the party, she’s gonna be like “I can’t see inside him like I can my boyfriend – my connection with this guy just isn’t as good.”
Essentially, if you can do that – if you can constantly connect deeper and allow her to share her insecurities too (encourage her to do it) – you’re unbeatable.
You can totally suck in the bedroom without fear. Even if you go for months without sex, e.g you could have some sort of physical paralysis injury where you can’t have sex – she’ll still stay with you because what we’re all really craving is an emotional connection.
Sex is just a representation of connection. It’s not really sex that we crave, even though we’re thinking about it all the time. What we really want is love and connection – that deep sense of loyalty and trust you get from someone who knows you inside out, and you know them inside out, and you never have to worry.
This jealousy problem is actually an opportunity for you to connect deeply with your girlfriend. Take that opportunity.
You don’t need to be better in bed
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