Working on improving yourself is hard. And of all the parts of the journey that are the most challenging, the Relapse stage has to be the worst.

A Relapse is when you revert back to old behaviours. It’s when a drug addict uses again. It’s when a sex addict masturbates to porn. It’s when a Nice Guy sacrifices his integrity to please someone.

There’s something you have to know and accept: Relapse is inevitable. It’s a natural part of the change process! So beating yourself up about it is both unfair and unhelpful.

You won’t know what your relapse risks are until after it happens, that’s why it must happen before you can hope to prevent it.

I’ve written this post to give you the Stages of Relapse, so that you can review your most recent relapse and realise why it happened, and what is needed to prevent it happening again. I’ll outline each of these steps along with guidance on how to exit the relapse process at each stage. Master this process and you won’t relapse again!

Note: the earlier you catch this, the easier it is to exit. It is pretty easy to manage background factors, but nearly impossible to stop yourself when you’re just about to commit the relapse action. So aim to manage this up front and early rather than hoping you’ll have the discipline to stop yourself at the end.

Treat your addiction as something you can’t trust! Don’t “test” yourself to see if you can handle temptation – just prevent temptation as much as possible. Make it easy to win this battle!

Step 1: Background Factors

These are the things in your everyday life that increase or decrease your risk of relapse. They may not be directly attached to the relapse behaviour, but aggravate its likelihood.

These include recent events, like work stress, relationship problems, and health issues. They also include longer term factors, like a marriage that’s been struggling for years, or ongoing financial issues. And they include factors that are constant, like personality traits, cultural conditioning, and family dynamics.

Basically, the more stress and struggle you have in general, the more likely you are to relapse, because relapse is a coping mechanism for suffering.

Strategy: deal with stressful things as ruthlessly and effectively as possible. Confront people and end bad relationships. Find a better job. Move to a nicer area. Do whatever you can to always improve your quality of life, and always view stressful situations as a risk.

Step 2: Early Warning Signs (EWS)

These are the small slips and lapses in behaviour, thoughts and feelings that indicate you’re starting to stray away from your values and commitment to change. By themselves, they’re not a big deal, but when you see the big picture, you’ll realise these things always happen before a relapse – like a starter before the main course.

If you’re a meth addict, this might mean drinking alcohol, or getting in touch with former friends who are also druggies. If you’re a cheater, this might mean fantasizing about another woman, or getting flirty with someone at work. If your bad with money, this might mean you stopped checking your bank statements and started buying coffees again.

On paper, these behaviours look mild and innocent. But they must be treated as serious threats. These are the small inches that eventually add up to a mile.

Strategy: journal every day and try to identify small slips and lapses. Notice anything that seems a bit “off”, particularly anything that you feel the need to justify or explain to yourself. Whatever you’re doing, get strict and stop doing it!

Step 3: Seemingly Irrelevant Decision (SID)

This is one of the hardest stages to see. This is where you do something to transition yourself into a High Risk Situation, but it looks like a normal, innocent decision.

Maybe it’s just going for a casual walk… that happens to pass your old drug dealer’s house. Maybe it’s a mid-morning cafe break… with that cute assistant from your work that your wife is worried about. Maybe it’s going to post something thoughtful online… on that social media platform that you have a tendency to doom-scroll on.

When it comes to manipulation, no move is neutral, no action is unintentional. The SID is your old self’s secret move to get you in position for the big hit.

Strategy: get into a habit of constantly questioning WHY you do things… why you do anything! Make it a habit to always try to ensure your actions are carefully screened for possible integrity breaches. Remember: if you have to justify it, it’s probably wrong. When you notice these SIDs happening, go back to background factors and figure out what needs to be resolved.

Step 4: High Risk Situation (HRS)

This is any situation where relapse is easy and encouraged. It is now incredibly simple to relapse and there are no more barriers or logistical issues to solve. Basically, the relapse opportunity is now within reaching distance.

It’s being alone at the computer looking at pretty girls on instagram when you’re a stressed out porn addict. It’s being inside the house of the cute girl from work, alone and unsupervised even though you’re married. It’s being at a rave with your dubious mates when your a meth addict.

You’re now about to relapse. This situation is stronger than your willpower. You’ve been slowly set up to be in this position, and it will just take one more action to relapse.

Strategy: RUN AWAY! Don’t try to test yourself or battle through, just catch yourself and admit you fucked up but you can still end this! Leave the property and run until you can’t any more.

Step 5: What The FUCK! (WTF)

There’s one final piece of resistance left right before the relapse. See, you still at this stage are vaguely aware that you intend to do something wrong. You need to release this last bit of resistance and guilt to cross the line.

So you tell yourself a little story about how it’s already all over, there’s no options left, you don’t care any more… what the fuck, why not?? You space out, detach yourself from your decision making responsibility, and relapse.

Strategy: while this is the hardest stage to get out, it’s still possible. You can still stop a relapse as it’s happening and run away. Pour that drink down the drain, call your spouse and ask to be picked up, throw the rest of the pizza in the trash… don’t let starting this become an excuse to keep doing it.

Remember, this is all about harm reduction. We can’t prevent relapses from happening, but we can minimise the damage they do. A relapse is not a good excuse for more relapses! Don’t let it trick you into thinking you must now throw away all your progress. You get a fresh start from here. Learn from it and grow. You’re not perfect, buy you’re still trying your best.

I still relapse at least once per month. A small lie will slip out of my mouth. I’ll eat something I know is bad for me. I’ll accept that offer for a beer.

Instead of beating myself up, I try to redeem myself with good behaviour, and clean up the mess I’ve made as best I can. There is nothing more I can do.