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The Hidden Shame That Controls People Pleasers

Introduction

Today we’re going to be talking about shame, how it controls your decision making, and what you can do about it to live a better life, essentially.

Nice guys and people pleasers generally have one thing in common, and that is they feel that deep down there’s something wrong with them. That’s why they do what they do: to compensate for this wrongness.

And so the sense of wrongness completely controls how they interact in the world. As I’m going to talk about today, you might find that it controls every single decision you make. It can be that bad.

Shame is the sense that there is something wrong with you. Something fundamentally broken, causing you to be somehow of lesser value, lesser worth than others. It makes you feel embarrassed, guilty, especially worthless, and anxious.

In this article, we’re going to have a look at what shame is, how it controls you, how your decisions are controlled by the avoidance of unpleasant feelings, and what you can do to reduce it.

Shame Changed the Direction of My Life

Shame played a pretty huge role in my life.

For most of my youth, especially, and into my twenties, I always felt like I simply wasn’t good enough. I was really baffled by this. It was a mystery to me as to exactly why I wasn’t good enough. I just was very sure that I wasn’t.

I believed I had to be extra. I had to fake more in order to be loved by others, or at least liked by them, or at least tolerated by them.

Because I was somehow less than other people.

Other people could get away with just being themselves. But for me, that simply wasn’t enough. I had to do more than that.

It especially affected me romantically, with women. That’s where it came up the strongest, but it also came up in other areas to some extent.

I was plagued by anxiety in social settings, constantly worried what other people thought of me, and I had a sense that there was something wrong with me that other people could notice, or might notice.

Once I realized what shame really was and how it controlled me, it completely changed the direction of my life.

When I realized I was being controlled by childhood conditioning and beliefs that had been programmed into me by other people for their convenience—that my worth was not actually something that could be debated or lowered by other people—I was able to change my behaviour.

I was able to stop acting ashamed, or acting from shame, which reduced the emotional reactions I had to other people and eventually created a more confident self-view.

I do believe that shame is on the opposite end of the spectrum of confidence.

Confidence really is synonymous with shamelessness.

Floating Shame

I used to experience something that I would call floating shame.

This is where I think there’s something wrong with me, but I’m not really sure what it is until I get some negative feedback from someone, or perceive that I’ve received negative feedback.

I’d wait for somebody to show some sort of negativity towards me, and then I’d think, “Oh, that’s what’s wrong with me.”

If they said they didn’t like the way I looked:

“That’s because I’m ugly.”

If they thought I was annoying:

“It’s because I’m obnoxious.”

My shame would just land on whatever somebody reacted to.

It’s kind of like anything could be wrong with me if somebody didn’t like it.

The Summer Camp Story

I remember one example when I was a camp counsellor at a summer camp in the United States.

I thought I was doing alright. It’s hard to manage thirteen-year-old kids—they’re a nightmare—but I thought I was doing alright.

Then the supervising counsellor came up to me and said that he was disappointed in me because I wasn’t controlling the kids well enough without making too much noise or something.

I immediately assumed the thing wrong with me was that I’m a poor leader, that I’m not respected by kids, not respected by supervisors.

That must be my problem. Until he pulled me aside later and said I was fine.

As soon as he criticised me, the shame landed on what he said. I took what he said to be gospel—to be true. One guy expresses an opinion. I’m not even sure he was telling the truth. I think he was just trying to motivate me with some lies.

And it completely destroyed me.

This is shame.

The Girl Who Rejected Me

I remember another time a girl rejected me in high school.

She didn’t tell me why, so I assumed it was because I was too pale and my ears were too small.

Later I found out someone had talked shit to her about me, and that’s why she rejected me.

But because she didn’t give me a reason, I made one up. That’s another example of how shame manifests.

We’ll take other people’s reactions, assume there’s something wrong with us, and try to figure out what that thing is. Usually we just make it up, either from past experiences or from things we’ve already judged ourselves about.

This kind of thing happened to me on a near daily basis. Now it almost never happens to me. I’m going to talk about how I made that transition, and how you can too.

The Horrifying Truth About Shame

Before we get into the details, here’s a quick insight.

Most of the things you’re ashamed of—the things you’re so sure about, these terrible problems, these faults you believe make you a less valuable person—are either:

one person’s manipulative feedback that you’ve taken seriously and allowed to control you, or
completely made-up fictions in your own head that people aren’t even thinking about.

That’s the horror of shame.

Ultimately, there often isn’t even anything really wrong with you.

Or the things that are wrong with you, nobody actually cares about. That’s the case most of the time. That’s why shame is so devastating.

It might almost make sense if you really were some defective person. Most of the time, the stuff you’re ashamed of, nobody really gives two shits about. So let’s have a look at what shame actually is, how it affects us, and then what we might be able to do about it.

Shame vs Guilt

People often associate the word shame with guilt.

In fact, when I was writing The Naked Truth, my editor and I had a big debate about the difference between shame and guilt. It was a very helpful discussion.

I can’t speak for everyone, but here’s how I see it.

Guilt is a feeling. It’s that hot flush, that panicky, caught sensation, or that sickening, remorseful regret.

It’s physiological. It’s the fear of getting into trouble. The fear that you’ve done something wrong. Shame is the story that explains the guilt.

Shame is the narrative about what’s wrong with you. About why you should feel guilty. What are you going to be found out for? What are the consequences?

That’s all story.

That’s all narrative that accompanies a guilty feeling. Shame can also come with other emotions. Embarrassment is highly associated with shame. You’re only embarrassed because you think you’ve done something wrong in the eyes of others, therefore there’s something wrong with you.

Anxiety is another emotion that’s closely related to shame. Guilt is simply the one we think about the most.

The idea:

“I was wrong.”

Toxic Shame

There’s also a term that I quite like called toxic shame.

I believe Brené Brown came up with this term.

This is where you think there’s something so fundamentally broken about you that it affects everything, all the time, and it can’t be fixed.

You are wrong.

Not just that you did something wrong, or there’s a trait that people don’t like.

But you are actually, down to the very marrow of your bones, wrong. You are bad.

I think most people who have a nice guy persona, or any other kind of persona they’ve developed to survive socially, have toxic shame.

They’ve come to the conclusion long ago that who I am is so bad that I have to pretend to be someone else.

I just can’t get away with being me.

There are other people where the shame depends on the audience.

You might completely let yourself go when your best friend is around. You don’t give a shit. You show them everything about yourself and you feel fine with it.

Then someone else walks into the room and, suddenly, on comes the performance.

That’s a more nuanced, contextual shame. It depends who’s around. It depends on the situation you’re in.

That’s probably most people.

Then there are people who feel ashamed even when they’re by themselves. They feel like there’s something wrong with them.

Of course, throughout our lifetime we can fluctuate between all sorts of different variations of shame.

When Shame Lands on One Thing

Sometimes you think you know exactly what it is.

The shame has landed on something specific.

You think:

I’m too much of this.

Or:

I’m not enough of that.

You’ve woven a long-term story around it.

You’ve explained every bad thing that’s ever happened to you by saying it’s because of this one problem.

Often it’s something that’s a really big deal to you, while other people look at it and think:

“Really? That’s your thing?”

For example, I’m really pale.

I don’t tan.

As a kid, that haunted me.

I’d go and get myself burnt half to death just trying to get a little bit brown—which I couldn’t.

I’m half Irish and half Scottish.

I’m designed to live in the rain.

I don’t tan.

I’d tell somebody else this was my big shame and they’d be like:

“Really? That’s your big thing?”

But for me, it was.

A lot of guys I work with have something physical like that.

They think they’re too short.

Or they think they’re too tall.

Some people think it’s money.

Maybe they grew up in poverty, and no matter how much money they have now, they still think it’s not enough.

They think they’re not enough, and that their money reflects that.

So sometimes you’ve landed on one very specific thing.

“This is what’s wrong with me.”

When Shame Keeps Moving

Other times, like I said before, it floats around.

You’re not sure what the problem is until somebody gives you some feedback or you have an experience that seems to confirm something.

You might think you’re too short.

Eventually you get over that.

You think:

“You know what? Height doesn’t matter that much. I’m fine.”

Then somebody says you’re a bit boring.

Now you’re too boring.

Now that’s what you’re ashamed of.

You’ll just jump from one shame to another.

You might spend years ashamed of one thing, then years ashamed of something else.

The Client Who Couldn’t Escape Shame

I worked with one client who was one of the most socially anxious guys I’ve ever worked with.

He actually ended up doing quite well.

He wore a hood pulled shut all the time, so he was looking out into the world through this tiny little window.

Why?

Because he blushed.

He blushed quite a lot.

He was absolutely convinced that everybody noticed and cared deeply about his blushing.

I remember asking him:

“So that’s your thing? You think everybody’s worried about you going a bit pink?”

He genuinely believed they were.

Eventually he got over that.

We worked through it.

Then one day he came into a session and said:

“You know what? It’s because I don’t have much history with women. Everybody knows it. Everybody thinks I’m useless…”

I remember thinking:

We’re having exactly the same conversation.

The content has changed, but the structure hasn’t.

We’ve just changed the topic.

It’s still:

There’s something wrong with me.

Everybody can see it.

They’re going to judge me for it.

That’s what I call floating shame.

The Worst Form of Shame

Then, of course, there’s toxic shame.

Sometimes everything about you is just never good enough.

You always feel like you’re behind.

Lacking.

Less than.

Defective at every level.

Even when you succeed, you explain it away as luck.

You don’t believe it had anything to do with you.

In fact, success often just highlights all the other ways you think you’ve failed.

There’s nothing about yourself that you dare to be proud of.

It’s like there’s a sword hanging over your head.

It doesn’t even feel worth the risk of liking anything about yourself.

That’s probably the worst form of shame.

You live in this miserable place inside your own head.

It’s the nice guy type I call the Inner Critic.

You’ve got this voice constantly discouraging you, criticising you and insulting you all day long.

It sounds like your voice.

Or at least it seems to.

Everybody Has Shame

One thing I have to emphasise is this.

I’ve studied people deeply for over twenty years.

It’s been my entire adult career.

The only people I’ve ever found who don’t have even the slightest amount of shame are psychopaths.

Even people with narcissistic personality disorder have shame.

Quite intense shame, actually.

That’s one of the things that differentiates them from more pure antisocial personalities.

Proper psychopaths are the only people who genuinely don’t think there’s anything wrong with them.

The reason I say this is because we often develop meta-shame.

We’re ashamed of our shame.

We think we’re different because we think there’s something wrong with us.

When actually, that’s one of the most universal human experiences there is.

If you think there’s something wrong with you—

Welcome to the fucking club.

You’re not special.

Everybody else does too.

Nobody talks about it because they think it’s wrong.

Everyone hides the thing.

Which means nobody else talks about it.

Which makes it feel like you’re the only one who feels this way.

That’s one of the great tragedies of shame.

If it was okay to admit we were ashamed, and everybody talked about it openly, then we probably wouldn’t have it anymore.

I’ve taken apart literally thousands of people’s minds over the years.

I always find shame.

So you’re not alone.

Not even a little bit.

You could actually say that the whole reason I do this work is because of shame.

There’s so much of it out there that I decided this was the path to take.

Talk about an abundant source of clients.

Is Shame Actually Good?

Some people believe shame is a good thing.

I get into this argument online quite often.

People think the word shameless means someone who’s unethical or has no conscience.

Especially from a religious context.

I think that’s a misuse of the word.

I do think it’s good to feel guilty about things you’ve done wrong.

Especially when you’ve violated your own core values.

Or you’ve harmed somebody else in a way that you wouldn’t want done to you.

That feeling of guilt is a corrective emotion.

It’s one of the most powerful emotions that exists.

I often debate with myself whether guilt or hope moves people more.

I’m still not sure which one wins.

But they’re definitely near the top.

Shame is different.

To believe there’s something wrong with you…

I’ve never observed anything helpful about that narrative.

I’ve worked with criminal offenders.

People who’ve done a lot of things they’re very guilty about.

One of the strongest variables contributing to offending is shame.

One of the great ironies of the modern justice system—really, of justice systems throughout history—is that we shame people for committing crimes.

That actually increases their risk of reoffending.

Thinking:

“I’m a bad person.”

Rather than:

“I did something bad that needs to be corrected.”

Shame, rather than guilt, actually causes more harmful behaviour.

Not less.

It causes people to use coping mechanisms that become gateways to even more harmful behaviours.

It causes blame.

It causes rage against other people.

It causes self-harm.

There’s really nothing valuable that comes out of shame.

Shamelessness Is More Ethical Than Shame

When I talk about being shameless, I’m not talking about being guiltless.

I’m not talking about a psychopath with no conscience and no sense of morality.

I’m talking about someone who says:

“There’s nothing wrong with me. Sometimes I make mistakes, and I’ll fix them. But there’s nothing wrong with me.”

That person is actually the least likely to behave harmfully towards others.

They’ve got the fewest holes that need to be filled.

The fewest demons driving them around inside their head.

This is more my opinion than anything else. You could even argue it’s a semantic discussion about the definition of the word shame.

But shame is a self-worth problem.

It’s not a behavioural correction tool.

Why Shame Creates More Harm

For example, it could be good for somebody to feel bad that they stole your wallet.

They see that you lost your money and had a hard day because of what they did.

They think:

“Man, that was a shitty thing to do.”

That’s useful.

But if they now decide that they’re a shitty person because they stole your wallet, they’re going to become overwhelmed with uncomfortable thoughts and feelings about themselves.

Then they’ll want to escape those thoughts and feelings.

One way they might do that is by using drugs.

Drugs are expensive.

How are they going to pay for them?

They steal again.

That’s how the cycle usually works with shame.

The very thing we’re trying to cure ends up creating more of itself.

We end up doing the very behaviour that generates even more shame.

Think about how many times you’ve done something from a place of shame.

Maybe you masturbated to porn and then felt ashamed of yourself for masturbating to porn.

Now you’re in a cycle.

The cure becomes the illness.

The illness becomes the cure.

Round and round you go.

Because you’re not allowed to simply say:

“Yeah, I used porn. What are you going to do? I’m a guy. It happens.”

“There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m just a human being with a complicated brain. Sometimes I slip.”

If you were actually allowed to go down that path, you’d probably be less likely to use porn.

Which means you’d be less likely to do the behaviour that creates even more shame.

So I’m going to put it out there.

I think most of the harmful behaviour done in the world by human beings is directly caused by shame.

If people were shameless, they wouldn’t do most of it.

There are exceptions, like psychopaths.

But they’re incredibly rare.

Why I Dedicated My Career to Confidence

I don’t want to sound too epic.

But the reason I do what I do for a living is because I’ve always tried to find the shortest path to having the biggest positive impact on the world.

I’m not pretending to be noble.

It’s my ego.

I like having influence.

I figured that if I was going to have that kind of ego, I should at least point it in a useful direction.

That’s what led me to working with criminal offenders.

I thought:

“If I can help the worst people, that’ll have the biggest impact.”

Turns out I was mistaken.

There’s only so much you can do.

You can have a very small impact on a relatively small number of them.

But I kept asking myself:

What’s the thing with the biggest leverage?

Eventually I landed on confidence.

I realised all the criminals I worked with had one thing in common.

Low self-worth.

Again, excluding psychopaths.

We’re talking hundreds of thousands—probably millions—of people around the world committing crimes because they have low self-worth.

That’s the driving factor.

Then I started looking at everything I did.

Everything my friends did.

Whether it broke the law or not.

Gossiping.

Drinking and driving.

Yelling at your partner.

All these behaviours.

I started to realise they all came from the same place.

A confidence problem.

Confident people simply didn’t do this stuff.

It was all coping mechanisms.

Eventually I realised that if confidence creates the greatest amount of good behaviour, then I had to ask:

What’s the enemy?

What’s at the opposite end of the spectrum?

That’s where I landed on shame.

This topic is a big deal for me because my whole career has been shaped by it.

Ironically, when we’re talking about shame controlling your life, shame has controlled my entire career.

But it’s been the battle against it.

After studying psychology for more than twenty years, I’m very certain of one thing.

If I could push a button and remove everyone’s shame, we’d almost live in a utopia.

I’m genuinely convinced of that.

I don’t think it’s possible.

No such button exists.

In fact, I think the human brain continually generates shame.

Even when you become very confident, you still have to manage it every day.

That’s my opinion.

I don’t expect everyone to agree with me.

But it’ll help you understand where all of my ideas come from.

Where Shame Comes From

I think one of the keys to dealing with shame is understanding why you have it.

Where it comes from.

Think about all the things you believe are wrong with you.

All the things you hide from other people.

All the things you’d be embarrassed if they were discovered or published online.

Stop for a second.

Think about them like you’ve never thought about them before.

Take a detached, sceptical perspective.

Ask yourself:

Why am I ashamed of these things?

Where did I get the idea that they’re wrong?

Where did I get the idea that there could even be something wrong with me in the first place?

For a moment, put aside your certainty that your shame is justified.

Put aside the conviction that there really is something wrong with you.

Put aside the belief that having something wrong with you automatically makes you less worthy.

Just imagine, for a second, that there’s something fundamentally wrong with the belief itself.

Maybe you’ve been tricked into believing it.

How Shame Controls Your Decisions

What I really want to address today is shame and its connection to decision making.

I want to help you see how many of the things you do every single day are driven by that rotten core.

That fear that there’s something wrong with you and that you’re going to be found out.

From the T-shirt you choose to wear…

To the tone of your voice when you’re collecting your coffee from the barista…

To the way you lower your eyes during a meeting when your boss gets angry…

All these little behaviours.

All these tiny daily decisions.

Compounding over years.

They might all be coming from this semi-conscious belief that there’s something wrong with you that needs to be hidden.

Put it this way.

I think shame explains all dishonesty.

Dishonesty is basically saying:

“There’s something wrong with the truth I want to say.”

If it’s the truth I want to say, then it’s about me.

Which means there’s something wrong with me.

So if you’re dishonest about anything, with anyone, at any time, just try a little experiment.

Pretend, just for a moment, that it’s always shame.

That every other explanation—

“I’m protecting their feelings.”

“It’s not appropriate.”

“Now isn’t the right time.”

—might simply be covering up shame.

Because if you were truly shameless, you would simply tell the truth.

You don’t have to agree with me.

Just play with the idea for a minute.

You can always go back to disagreeing with me later.

At the core, the stories shame tells are so painful, so unpleasant to listen to, that we’ll do almost anything to get away from them.

Fight.

Flight.

Freeze.

Whatever it takes.

We’ll do anything to stop hearing that story.

Or…

We’ll bathe in it.

We’ll make it our identity.

We’ll reinforce it through our behaviour.

Like the addict deliberately trying to overdose because he’s telling himself:

“I’m a piece of shit. I deserve this.”

That’s bathing in shame.

A Quick Caveat

I should quickly point out that just because you think something another person does is harmful, it doesn’t mean they’re acting from shame.

It doesn’t mean they believe they’re hurting you.

For example, if someone tells an offensive joke, that might not be coming from a place of shame.

They might not believe, by their own standards, that they’re doing anything harmful.

I just wanted to throw that in as a caveat before we go around judging everyone else and assuming they’re ashamed because we’re hurt by what they did.

Anyway.

Let’s talk about where shame comes from.

Childhood Conditioning Creates Shame

Shame is, in my opinion, almost entirely derived from childhood conditioning.

We are taught to be ashamed.

I’ve spent an inappropriate amount of time observing babies and toddlers.

By my observation, they are not born with shame.

I can’t see any signals of shame.

Especially in children under about three years old, unless they’re growing up in a very difficult household.

They just don’t seem to have any sense that there’s something wrong with what they want or what they’re doing.

No sense of that whatsoever.

They don’t even sneak around.

The sneaking only starts around three years old.

That’s when they start lying.

That’s when they start learning to deceive and hide things.

Before then, they just get caught doing everything because they’re completely out in the open.

They speak their minds.

They reach for what they want.

They cry when they’re upset.

They just go for it.

I strongly suspect we’re not born with shame.

Of course, it’s possible that it’s simply a brain development thing that emerges at a certain age as well.

Why Children Absorb Shame So Easily

Children have an internal locus of control.

Up until about the age of nine or ten, a child generally thinks, in a semi-conscious way, that they are the cause of everything happening around them.

If their mother is upset, they either believe they made her upset or that it’s their job to fix it.

Everything is about them.

Children are naturally very self-centred.

So when they get reactions from other people, they take those reactions as feedback.

They don’t have the adult sophistication to think:

“Oh, that guy’s just in a bad mood.”

Or:

“He’s a dick to everybody.”

Instead, they think:

“This is happening to me.”

“It’s about me.”

“This is data.”

“This must be the kind of person I am if I’m getting this reaction.”

Unless they’re taught otherwise, children will decide how worthwhile they are based on the feedback they receive from other people.

They have no resistance to that feedback.

Their brains literally aren’t developed enough to push back against it.

They simply absorb it.

There is no defence system.

How Parents Accidentally Teach Shame

The first influence is obviously parenting.

If you punish a child for speaking their mind, you teach them to be ashamed of their preferences, beliefs and opinions.

They begin to think:

“If I say what I really think, it hurts people.”

“That must make me a bad person.”

Unless it’s made very clear to them:

“I’m just sensitive about that topic.”

Or:

“I’ve had a bad day at work.”

Or:

“You’re not the cause of my mood.”

If they aren’t told those things, they’ll naturally assume they are the cause.

That’s the default.

If you ignore a child when they cry or have a tantrum, you teach them to be ashamed of their feelings.

“My emotions are inconvenient.”

“There must be something wrong with me.”

“I must be weak.”

“When I feel this way, other people seem to get hurt.”

“People tell me I shouldn’t feel like this.”

With only a couple of behaviour patterns, you’ve now taught them to be ashamed of their beliefs, their thoughts and their feelings.

In other words, they’re ashamed of almost everything about themselves.

Add a couple more comments about their body and you’ve got the whole package.

It’s Usually a Pattern, Not One Moment

Children aren’t so fragile that one careless sentence traumatises them forever.

It’s more like a balancing act.

Do they experience enough different perspectives that they learn to think critically?

Or do they receive the same message over and over until they accept it as absolute truth?

Every parent screws up.

Every parent eventually says something and later thinks:

“That was a really shitty thing to say to a kid.”

What matters is how often it happens.

And whether it’s balanced by healthier experiences.

A parent who can later sit down with the child and explain what really happened helps the child process the experience.

The child realises it wasn’t actually about them.

Most of the damage gets repaired.

When Love Becomes Conditional

Neglecting a child or withdrawing love teaches them that simply being themselves isn’t enough.

They conclude they have to do extra to be loved.

That they’re fundamentally lesser somehow.

This is probably the most powerful way to shame a child.

Just withdraw love.

Make them chase it.

Love is actually a need when you’re young.

It’s not just a preference.

There are incredible studies showing that babies will literally die without receiving love, even if all their physical needs are being met.

That still blows my mind.

So imagine the psychological damage done to a very young, undeveloped brain when love is withdrawn.

It’s psychological starvation.

The child will create a story.

Especially if love disappears…

Then they perform.

They people-please.

And suddenly the love comes back.

That reinforces the belief:

“Me by myself isn’t enough.”

“Me plus performance gets love.”

Which confirms:

“Who I really am isn’t enough.”

Most of the nice guys I’ve worked with experienced some version of this growing up.

They couldn’t receive enough love just by being themselves.

They had to tone themselves down.

Or turn themselves up.

They had to pretend.

Sometimes all of the above.

Simply being their ordinary self wasn’t enough.

That was the feedback they received.

Then School Takes Over

Now you’re ready for school.

Where you’ll receive an enormous amount of feedback.

Between roughly eight and ten years old—it’s different for every child—the biggest influence shifts from parents to peers.

Parents have about eight to ten years to do their job.

After that, peers become the strongest influence.

There’s not much anyone can do about it.

That’s why someone can come from a wonderful family and still end up joining a gang.

If the influence of peers outweighs the influence of parents, the peer group wins.

You all remember school.

That Lord of the Flies gauntlet we had to run every day.

Approval.

Fitting in.

Bullying.

All of it.

Some experiences at school only lasted thirty seconds.

But they’ve scarred people for life.

Sometimes it was just words.

How Bullying Creates Shame

Bullying, more than anything else, makes a child feel singled out.

Shame and being singled out are highly correlated.

The belief becomes:

“There’s something wrong with me.”

Especially:

“I’m different.”

“I’m an outsider.”

“I don’t belong.”

“I don’t fit in.”

“I’m different in a bad way.”

Sometimes the bullying isn’t even particularly cruel.

Maybe you’re picked last for the sports team.

Maybe someone laughs when you drop your pen.

Nothing especially calculated.

But if you think:

“I’m the only one this happens to.”

Then shame can become very strong.

Because when you’re a kid, you desperately want to be liked.

Or at least not disliked.

Finding out—or believing—that the majority of people dislike you is devastating.

Shame Is Often Shaped by Your Environment

Even something like being picked last for the sports team can leave a lasting mark.

You start wondering whether you should be physically different.

If sport is highly valued in your school’s culture, you begin to think there’s something fundamentally wrong with you.

You should be more like everybody else.

What’s amazing is how much this depends on culture.

At my school, physical ability was everything.

You wanted to be in the rugby team.

Otherwise you got teased for being soft.

I remember my dance partner telling me that at her school it was the complete opposite.

The sports guys got bullied for being stupid.

Intelligence was what gave you status.

I remember thinking:

“My God. At my school you had to hide intelligence or you’d get your ass kicked.”

It’s completely subjective.

It depends on the local culture.

So when you think:

“There’s something wrong with me.”

It might simply be because of the particular school you happened to attend.

If that’s true, then we start to realise there isn’t actually any objective validity to the shame.

If it depends on where you grew up, who you were surrounded by, and what the local culture valued…

Then there isn’t actually anything objectively wrong with you.

It’s just the opinions of the locals.

Other Childhood Sources of Shame

Teachers can contribute to shame as well.

It depends how they respond to you and how you interpret it.

If you’re told off for expressing yourself…

Or you’re criticised for struggling…

You start believing you’re an inconvenience.

You think you’re stupid.

You conclude that speaking your mind is a bad thing.

That’s where shame begins to grow.

Then there’s unfairness.

For example, I was considered academically gifted.

That meant I had to do harder classes and more homework.

Again, I was being singled out.

On the surface, it looked like a reward.

I was the high-performing student.

But I remember thinking:

“You’re going to get me beaten up here.”

“Why are you singling me out?”

“Put me in the lower class.”

I didn’t want the attention.

It also taught me something else.

I realised I was being judged on my performance, not my character.

Nobody was assessing whether I was a good person.

They were assessing A’s, B’s and C’s.

So performing for other people started to become more important than actually living by my values.

I could spend all day being a good person.

Then I’d watch someone who behaved badly get rewarded because they performed well.

I started thinking:

“Maybe my values don’t actually matter.”

There’s always unfairness in a classroom.

There’s always one child who gets better treatment.

There’s always another who gets the worst treatment.

The child who receives the worst treatment eventually concludes:

“I guess that’s where I stand.”

Children don’t have enough perspective to think:

“Maybe this teacher is having a bad day.”

Or:

“Maybe they’re just unfair.”

Or:

“Maybe they shouldn’t even be a teacher.”

Instead they think:

“There’s something wrong with me.”

Especially if they’re already carrying momentum from earlier experiences of shame.

Shame Usually Develops Through Patterns

All of these examples I’ve given you…

You can survive any one of them.

You can survive several of them.

If the overall balance is healthy.

If, most of the time, you’re getting healthy feedback from healthy people…

If you’re developing naturally…

If you’re receiving enough support…

Then these experiences become little more than a bad afternoon.

But if there’s a consistent pattern of shame across different areas of your life—and that’s usually what happens…

Victims often get caught in these vortices of unhealthy environments and unhealthy people.

Then all these experiences start reinforcing each other.

Every new event becomes more evidence that the story is true.

The belief gets stronger.

The shame becomes deeper.

Shame Is Learned, Not Discovered

One of the most important things I want you to understand is this:

The things you’re ashamed of were not objectively discovered.

They were taught.

You learned them.

You absorbed them.

They came from repeated feedback given by people whose opinions you accepted before you were capable of questioning them.

That’s why shame feels so convincing.

It isn’t because it’s true.

It’s because you’ve been practising the same story for years.

And once that story becomes established, your brain starts looking for evidence to support it.

Every criticism.

Every rejection.

Every awkward moment.

Every mistake.

It all gets collected as proof.

Meanwhile, everything that contradicts the story gets ignored.

That’s how shame survives.

Why Understanding This Matters

This isn’t about blaming your parents.

Or your teachers.

Or the kids at school.

Most of them were simply passing on their own shame.

The important point is understanding that the beliefs you’re carrying today didn’t appear out of nowhere.

They were conditioned.

Which means they can also be questioned.

And eventually, changed.

When Shame Becomes Your Identity

If you’ve got a pattern of being shamed in multiple areas of life—and that’s usually the case—it becomes kind of like victims getting pulled into these vortices of bad influences and unhealthy environments.

Then these things are going to reinforce each other.

Every new experience becomes more evidence.

Every criticism feels like proof.

Every rejection confirms the story.

That’s how shame becomes an identity instead of just an emotion.

We Learn Shame from the People Around Us

It’s not just parents.

It’s not just school.

It’s also the culture you’re surrounded by.

Religion can do it.

Media can do it.

Friends can do it.

Romantic partners can do it.

Anybody whose opinion you take seriously can accidentally—or deliberately—teach you shame.

All they have to do is repeatedly communicate the message that who you are isn’t enough.

Eventually you’ll believe them.

The “Not Good Enough” Story

What happens over time is your brain starts collecting all these different experiences.

It stitches them together into one story.

The story is:

“I’m not good enough.”

That story becomes the explanation for everything.

Every rejection.

Every criticism.

Every failure.

Every awkward conversation.

Every disappointment.

It all gets filed away under the same heading.

“See? More evidence.”

Your Brain Wants an Explanation

The brain hates randomness.

It hates not knowing why something happened.

So when something painful happens, it desperately tries to explain it.

For a child, the easiest explanation is:

“It must be me.”

That explanation actually gives the brain certainty.

It’s a miserable certainty.

But certainty nevertheless.

The alternative—that life is unpredictable, other people are inconsistent, and bad things sometimes happen for reasons that have nothing to do with you—is actually harder for the brain to tolerate.

So it settles for a painful explanation because at least it explains everything.

Why the Story Feels So True

Once you’ve accepted the story that you’re not good enough, your brain starts filtering reality through it.

Every painful event becomes evidence.

Every criticism becomes confirmation.

Every rejection strengthens the belief.

The opposite experiences barely register.

Someone compliments you.

You dismiss it.

Someone likes you.

You assume they don’t really know you.

You succeed.

You call it luck.

The brain keeps protecting the story because, to the brain, consistency feels safer than uncertainty.

Even if that consistency is miserable.

The brain would rather have a painful explanation than no explanation at all.

That’s what we call the not good enough story.

The brain simply can’t handle senselessness.

It can’t handle the idea that things happen randomly.

It doesn’t like the feeling of not being in control.

It wants everything to make sense.

It wants everything to have a clear cause-and-effect relationship.

So the story becomes:

“There’s something wrong with me.”

Because that neatly explains every painful thing that’s ever happened.

Every rejection.

Every embarrassment.

Every failure.

Every difficult experience.

The brain says:

“That’s why it happened.”

Everything suddenly makes sense.

The strange thing is, the brain will happily cling to a miserable identity if it means the world feels understandable.

And once it has that story…

It has to keep it going.

The Momentum of Shame

If you’ve got a pattern of being shamed in multiple areas of life—and that’s usually the case—it’s kind of like victims getting themselves into these vortexes of bad influences and unhealthy environments.

Then these experiences are going to reinforce each other.

One experience supports another.

Another supports another.

Eventually, you don’t just have a few isolated moments where you felt ashamed.

You have a whole life story that seems to prove there’s something wrong with you.

Culture Keeps Reinforcing the Story

The thing is, once shame has started, the world keeps feeding it.

You begin interpreting everything through that lens.

You notice the criticism.

You remember the rejection.

You overlook the acceptance.

You dismiss the compliments.

The story keeps writing itself.

That’s why shame can feel so permanent.

Not because it’s true.

Because it’s constantly being reinforced.

Shame Isn’t Evidence

One of the biggest mistakes people make is assuming that because shame feels convincing, it must be accurate.

But shame isn’t evidence.

It’s conditioning.

It’s a story that’s been repeated often enough that it feels like reality.

The feeling doesn’t prove the belief.

It only proves you’ve practised believing it for a long time.

Most Shame Is Based on Other People’s Opinions

When you really trace shame back to its source, most of it turns out to be somebody else’s opinion.

Your parents’ opinion.

Your teacher’s opinion.

Some kid at school.

A bully.

A partner.

Someone who rejected you.

Some authority figure.

Very often, shame is simply somebody else’s judgement that you’ve adopted as truth.

The strange thing is, if you’d grown up somewhere else…

With different parents…

Different teachers…

Different classmates…

A different culture…

You’d probably have an entirely different list of things you thought were wrong with you.

That’s worth thinking about.

Because if shame changes depending on where you grew up, then it can’t be objective.

It’s just conditioning.

The First Step Is Questioning the Story

That’s why I think one of the most important questions you can ask yourself is:

“Who taught me this?”

Who taught me there was something wrong with me?

Who decided this behaviour was unacceptable?

Who decided this personality trait wasn’t good enough?

Who convinced me I had to earn love?

Who convinced me I had to perform?

Who convinced me that just being myself wasn’t enough?

Because if somebody taught you the belief…

Then maybe the belief isn’t actually true.

Maybe it’s just something you learned.

And if you learned it…

You can also unlearn it.

How Shame Starts Controlling Your Decisions

Once the brain has created the not good enough story, it has to keep the story going.

This is where we start talking about how shame affects your decision making.

You continue reacting to the not-good-enough story, but now you begin developing rituals, patterns and habits that are driven by this feeling of not being good enough.

Approval Seeking

Approval seeking has to be number one.

If I believe there’s something wrong with me, then I need other people to tell me there isn’t.

I need reassurance.

I need compliments.

I need validation.

I need people to like me.

I need them to smile at me.

I need them to approve of what I say.

I need them to think I’m intelligent.

I need them to think I’m attractive.

I need them to think I’m successful.

I’m constantly trying to collect evidence that contradicts the shame.

The problem is, it never lasts.

You get approval.

You feel good for a little while.

Then it wears off.

Now you need another hit.

It’s exactly like an addiction.

You become dependent on other people’s opinions to regulate your self-worth.

That’s why approval seeking never works.

It can never permanently solve a shame problem.

People Pleasing

Of course, this naturally leads to people pleasing.

If I think there’s something wrong with me, then I need to avoid upsetting people.

I need everybody to like me.

I need everybody to be comfortable.

I need everybody to be happy.

So I stop saying what I really think.

I stop asking for what I really want.

I start pretending.

I become agreeable.

I become accommodating.

I become overly nice.

Not because I’m genuinely kind.

Because I’m terrified.

I’m trying to avoid triggering the shame.

I’m trying to avoid rejection.

I’m trying to avoid criticism.

I’m trying to avoid confirmation that there’s something wrong with me.

Avoidance Becomes a Lifestyle

Once shame is running your life, avoidance becomes your default strategy.

You avoid difficult conversations.

You avoid conflict.

You avoid taking risks.

You avoid asking people out.

You avoid speaking up in meetings.

You avoid trying something new.

You avoid anything that might expose you to judgement.

Not because those things are actually dangerous.

Because they might trigger the not good enough story.

So your life gradually gets smaller.

You start organising your entire existence around avoiding unpleasant feelings.

That’s one of the biggest ways shame controls people.

You’re no longer making decisions based on what you value.

You’re making decisions based on what you’re afraid of feeling.

Validation Is Never Enough

The cruel thing about approval seeking is that even when it works, it doesn’t solve the problem.

Some people spend years getting exactly what they wanted.

People like them.

People admire them.

People praise them.

Their approval seeking works.

Their validation seeking works.

They’re constantly getting little highs from it.

They never really have any major dips.

Then one day it all gets stripped away.

There’s a guy I’m working with right now who thought his life was awesome.

Then it all disappeared.

He realised much of what he’d built was an illusion.

Now his self-worth is at rock bottom.

Because it was never based on himself.

It was based on everybody else’s reactions.

As soon as those reactions disappeared, so did his confidence.

Other Ways Shame Controls Your Behaviour

Approval seeking and people pleasing are probably the most obvious behaviours that come from shame.

But they’re far from the only ones.

Shame starts influencing almost every area of your life.

Perfectionism

Perfectionism is a huge one.

If I believe there’s something wrong with me, then I have to make sure I never make mistakes.

Because every mistake feels like evidence that I’m defective.

So I overprepare.

I overthink.

I delay.

I polish everything.

I try to make everything perfect before anybody can judge it.

Not because I have high standards.

Because I’m trying to avoid shame.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is another one.

If somebody gives you feedback, you immediately argue.

You justify yourself.

You explain.

You defend.

Because it doesn’t feel like they’re criticising your behaviour.

It feels like they’re confirming that there’s something wrong with you.

That’s why criticism hurts so much.

It’s not the criticism itself.

It’s what you think the criticism means.

Anger

Anger is often shame.

Someone criticises you.

Someone rejects you.

Someone embarrasses you.

Instead of feeling the shame directly, you attack them.

You blame them.

You lash out.

Because anger is often easier to tolerate than shame.

Anxiety

Social anxiety, especially, makes a lot more sense when you look at it through the lens of shame.

You’re constantly scanning.

What are people thinking?

Did I say the wrong thing?

Did they like me?

Did I sound stupid?

Did they notice?

You’re running this constant surveillance system.

Looking for evidence that people have discovered what’s supposedly wrong with you.

I used to do this all the time.

Now, if I notice somebody looking at me strangely or reacting in some unexpected way, I don’t immediately assume it’s about me.

I used to be like:

“What am I going to do about it?”

Now I’m more like:

“Huh. Look at that.”

Shamelessness eases the mental burden enormously.

It turns off the scanner that’s constantly looking for danger.

Self-Destructive Behaviour

Then there are self-destructive behaviours.

Doom scrolling.

Gambling.

Drinking.

Porn.

Gaming.

Depending on why you’re doing them.

Anything that feels compulsive and ritualistic, especially if it tends to increase during stressful periods.

That’s usually a sign you’re trying to compensate for the lack of dopamine created by chronic stress and low self-worth.

Sometimes you even believe you deserve to be punished.

This one didn’t really appear in my life until my mid-twenties.

I started putting myself into dangerous situations.

I guess I’d always done it to some extent.

But I remember getting kicked out of a bar once.

I was confused.

I thought:

“Why? I’m just chilling. I’m just having a good time.”

The bouncer was actually a decent guy.

He said:

“Mate, the way you’re walking around, you’re just starting shit.”

I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about.

Then I started getting similar feedback from other people.

They said:

“You walk around bumping into people like you’re trying to start a fight.”

I had no idea I was doing it.

Looking back now, I think some subconscious part of me wanted to be punished.

I wasn’t going to win that fight.

That’s why the bouncer kicked me out.

He was protecting me.

He could see something I couldn’t.

I was semi-consciously harming myself.

Looking back now, smoking cigarettes was part of that as well.

I actually enjoyed the burning feeling of the smoke going down my throat.

How is that really any different from cutting yourself?

If you think there’s something fundamentally wrong with yourself, then hurting yourself starts to make emotional sense.

Not logical sense.

Emotional sense.

Punishing Yourself

If you think there’s something wrong with you, your moral code kicks in.

It says:

“Well, if there’s something wrong with you, you deserve punishment.”

Maybe that’ll fix you.

So you might notice yourself doing things that you know are going to hurt.

You know they’re going to create suffering.

You know it while you’re doing them.

And you still do them.

Maybe it’s cheating on your diet.

Maybe it’s cutting yourself.

Getting into fights.

Sabotaging your career.

Winding up your partner until they want to leave you.

You watch yourself doing it and think:

“Why am I doing this? It’s so stupid.”

Or maybe the realization only comes the next day.

“What was that?”

“That was just straight-up dumb.”

“It’s like I wanted something bad to happen.”

Well, if you think there’s something wrong with you…

Maybe you do.

Maybe it helps reinforce the identity.

“I’m not good enough.”

“See? Look at all these bad things that happened to me.”

It becomes more evidence for the story.

Shame Creates Confirmation Bias

That’s one of the things shame does so well.

It creates a confirmation bias.

Every bad thing that happens becomes evidence that there’s something wrong with you.

Every mistake.

Every rejection.

Every embarrassment.

Every failure.

Every relationship that ends.

Every awkward conversation.

The shame says:

“See?”

“I told you.”

Meanwhile, all the good things get ignored.

The compliments don’t count.

The successes don’t count.

The people who genuinely like you don’t count.

Your brain dismisses them because they don’t fit the story.

The story has to survive.

Shame Makes You Perform

Another thing shame does is it makes you perform.

You don’t just become a people pleaser.

You become a performer.

You start carefully managing your image.

You think about what you should say.

How you should look.

How you should sound.

How you should behave.

You become whoever you think other people want you to be.

Not because that’s authentic.

Because you’re trying to stop them from discovering who you really are.

You’re trying to stop them finding out about this supposedly defective version of you.

So you build a persona.

A mask.

A performance.

The irony is that the more convincing the performance becomes, the harder it becomes to feel loved.

Because people aren’t loving you.

They’re loving the character you’re playing.

Which just reinforces the shame.

You think:

“If they really knew me…”

“…they wouldn’t like me.”

So you perform even harder.

And the cycle continues.

The Real Cost of Shame

The biggest cost of shame isn’t just that it makes you feel bad.

It’s that it stops you living honestly.

You stop saying what you really think.

You stop asking for what you really want.

You stop setting boundaries.

You stop taking risks.

You stop expressing yourself.

You stop being yourself.

Your entire life becomes organised around avoiding the feeling of shame.

You don’t choose what you value.

You choose whatever reduces anxiety.

You choose whatever reduces the chance of rejection.

You choose whatever reduces the chance of criticism.

Over time, shame doesn’t just influence your decisions.

It becomes the reason you make almost all of them.

Shame Doesn’t Just Affect Small Decisions

One thing I really want you to notice is that shame doesn’t just affect little decisions.

It affects huge ones.

Think about how many times you didn’t go somewhere because a certain person might be there.

Or you timed your lunch break so you wouldn’t run into someone.

Your whole day gets moved around.

That creates a domino effect.

Your whole life gets moved.

Just because you feel shame around one person.

That’s how powerful shame is.

It can change your entire life.

There are people who’ve started university degrees because of shame.

There are people who’ve quit university degrees because of shame.

Those are huge life decisions, all driven by trying to avoid a feeling.

Shame Can Choose Your Career

When I look at most people’s careers, I see shame.

It’s actually pretty rare that I meet someone who says:

“I found something I’m genuinely passionate about.”

“It really aligns with my values.”

Much more often it’s something like:

“I need to make more money.”

“I’m not good enough with the amount of money I make.”

“Once I earn more, then I’ll be enough.”

Entire careers can be built around that story.

Forty hours a week.

Walking the same carpet every day.

All because of shame.

Tell me that’s not a powerful decision-maker.

The Feeling of Always Being Behind

One that still plagues me to this day is this constant sense that I’m behind.

I couldn’t even tell you what I’m behind.

I don’t know where the race is.

I don’t know where the finish line is.

I don’t know what number I’ve got on my back.

I don’t know where I am in the race.

But I’m definitely behind.

Even when I’ve made up my own to-do list…

And I’m working through the to-do list that I created…

I’ll add more things to it.

Then I’ll think:

“I didn’t get everything done.”

As if that’s some objective measure.

Or maybe you’re comparing yourself to other people.

You think:

“I haven’t bought a house yet.”

“Everybody else owns a house.”

“That must mean there’s something wrong with me.”

Again, shame takes something completely arbitrary and turns it into evidence that you’re not enough.

Shame Creates Invisible Rules

The strange thing about shame is that it quietly creates all these invisible rules you’re supposed to live by.

By this age you should own a house.

By this age you should be married.

By this age you should have children.

By this age you should earn a certain amount of money.

By this age you should have achieved more.

You never consciously decided these rules.

You just absorbed them.

Then, whenever you don’t meet one of them, shame says:

“See?”

“You’re behind.”

“You’re failing.”

“There’s something wrong with you.”

Even though the rules themselves are completely made up.

Different cultures have different rules.

Different families have different rules.

Different friendship groups have different rules.

But once you’ve internalised them, they feel objective.

They feel like reality.

That’s one of the ways shame quietly controls your life.

You don’t even realise you’re following rules that somebody else wrote.

You Stop Living by Your Values

The biggest problem with shame isn’t that it makes you feel bad.

It’s that it slowly disconnects you from your values.

Instead of asking:

“What’s the right thing to do?”

You start asking:

“What’s the safest thing to do?”

Or:

“What will make people like me?”

Or:

“How do I avoid being judged?”

Those become the questions that drive your decisions.

You don’t realise it’s happening.

You think you’re making rational choices.

But underneath them is a fear of being exposed.

A fear that someone will discover there’s something wrong with you.

Shame Makes You Hide

When shame is in control, hiding starts to feel like common sense.

You hide your opinions.

You hide your emotions.

You hide your needs.

You hide your preferences.

You hide your mistakes.

You hide your weaknesses.

Sometimes you even hide your strengths.

Anything that might attract attention becomes dangerous.

Because attention means people might see the “real you.”

And if they see the real you…

Maybe they’ll reject you.

That’s the story shame keeps telling.

Living Behind a Mask

Eventually, you can get so used to hiding that you don’t even know who you are anymore.

You’ve been performing for so long that the performance starts to feel natural.

You forget what you actually think.

You forget what you actually want.

You forget what you actually value.

You’re constantly adjusting yourself to fit whoever you’re with.

Different personality for different people.

Different opinions for different groups.

Different behaviour depending on who’s watching.

Not because you’re fake.

Because you’re scared.

Why Confidence Feels So Different

This is why confidence isn’t really about becoming more impressive.

It’s about becoming less ashamed.

A confident person isn’t constantly calculating.

They aren’t scanning the room for approval.

They aren’t rehearsing every sentence before they say it.

They’re not trying to control everyone’s opinion of them.

They’re simply expressing themselves.

Sometimes people like it.

Sometimes they don’t.

Either way, it doesn’t become a judgement of their worth.

That’s the difference.

The Goal Isn’t Perfection

The goal isn’t to become somebody who never makes mistakes.

The goal is to become somebody who no longer believes mistakes mean there’s something wrong with them.

Those are two completely different things.

You’ll still fail.

You’ll still embarrass yourself.

You’ll still upset people sometimes.

You’ll still get rejected.

None of that has to mean there’s something wrong with you.

That’s the shift.

The events don’t necessarily change.

The story about the events changes.

And when the story changes, your decisions begin to change as well.

Living From Values Instead of Shame

The opposite of shame isn’t perfection.

The opposite is living from your values.

Instead of asking:

“How do I avoid feeling ashamed?”

You start asking:

“What kind of person do I want to be?”

They’re completely different questions.

One is driven by fear.

The other is driven by principles.

When shame is running your life, you become reactive.

When values are running your life, you become intentional.

Confidence Isn’t the Absence of Fear

A lot of people think confidence means you stop feeling uncomfortable.

I don’t think that’s true.

Confidence means you’re willing to do what matters even when shame shows up.

You stop treating shame like it’s objective feedback.

You stop assuming it means there’s something wrong with you.

Instead, you recognise it as an old story.

A conditioned response.

Something your brain learned a long time ago.

That changes everything.

Because now shame becomes information instead of a command.

You don’t have to obey it anymore.

A Different Way to Make Decisions

Imagine making decisions based on your values instead of your insecurities.

Imagine choosing your career because it genuinely interests you.

Choosing relationships because they’re healthy.

Speaking honestly because it’s true.

Setting boundaries because they matter.

Taking opportunities because you want them.

Not because you’re trying to prove you’re good enough.

That’s a completely different way of living.

The decisions might look similar from the outside.

But the motivation underneath them is completely different.

Confidence Is a Different Operating System

Confidence isn’t about becoming someone else.

It’s about operating from a different assumption.

Shame says:

“There’s something wrong with me.”

Confidence says:

“There’s nothing wrong with me.”

I might make mistakes.

I might fail.

I might get rejected.

I might embarrass myself.

But none of those things mean there’s something wrong with me.

Once that assumption changes, your decision making changes with it.

You stop organising your life around avoiding shame.

You start organising it around what actually matters to you.

The Alternative Is Shamelessness

So what’s the alternative?

The alternative is shamelessness.

Not arrogance.

Not narcissism.

Not thinking you’re better than other people.

Just genuinely believing there’s nothing wrong with you.

You still make mistakes.

You still hurt people sometimes.

You still fail.

You still need to apologise.

You still need to improve.

But none of those things mean there’s something fundamentally wrong with who you are.

That’s a completely different operating system.

You Can Question Every Shame Story

The first step is actually questioning the story.

Every time shame shows up, ask yourself:

“Who told me this?”

“Where did I learn this?”

“Is this actually true?”

“Or is this just something I’ve believed for a long time?”

Most of the time you’ll discover that the shame isn’t based on objective reality.

It’s based on old conditioning.

Old feedback.

Old experiences.

Old interpretations.

You Don’t Have to Believe Everything You Feel

One of the biggest mistakes people make is believing that because they feel ashamed, the shame must be telling the truth.

It isn’t.

Feelings aren’t facts.

They’re experiences.

Shame feels convincing because you’ve rehearsed it.

Not because it’s objectively accurate.

The feeling itself is real.

The story attached to the feeling often isn’t.

That’s an important distinction.

A New Way of Responding

Once you realise shame is just an old story, you can start responding differently.

Instead of immediately obeying it…

You can notice it.

Instead of changing your behaviour because shame tells you to…

You can pause.

You can ask:

“What do my values say?”

“What would I do if I wasn’t ashamed?”

That’s where your life starts changing.

Not because shame disappears overnight.

But because it stops making your decisions for you.

Little by little, you stop organising your life around avoiding shame.

You start organising it around honesty.

Around courage.

Around your values.

That’s how confidence starts to grow.

Being “nice” still isn’t working, is it?

You try to please everyone – partner, boss, friends, kids – and then secretly resent them for holding you back, even though you know it’s really your lack of boundaries and assertiveness. Relationships feel tense or flat. Your job pays the bills but feels like a soul‑draining compromise.

You censor what you really think and feel, swallow frustration, and end up with resentment, anxiety, and occasional bursts of anger that scare you. You worry that one day you’ll either explode at someone you love or collapse into anxious depression and give up on yourself.

You lie awake wondering if you’re destined to always be the “nice guy” who’s never truly respected.

That’s exactly where many of my clients started. Now they speak their minds calmly on the spot, stand up to high‑status people without blinking, build deep, honest relationships, and live according to their values rather than guilt and fear.

This coaching offer is designed to help you make that same shift with a clear, concrete roadmap… and without any high-pressure sales calls.

The Outcome

In the next 90 days, you’ll build the foundations of unshakeable integrity and social confidence so you can speak your mind, set firm boundaries, and stop people‑pleasing – without destroying your relationships or reputation.

By the end of this program, you will:

✅Have a clear personal code of values and standards so you know exactly what “living with integrity” means in practical, everyday decisions.

✅Be able to say what you really think and feel – even when it’s uncomfortable – in your relationship, at work, and with friends, without panicking about what others think.

✅Establish and enforce healthy boundaries so people stop walking over you, and you stop over‑delivering, over‑apologising, and over‑explaining.

✅Replace guilt, shame, and anxiety with grounded self‑respect, so you feel worthy of the life you actually want rather than settling.

The Mentorship Roadmap (3 phases)

Here’s exactly how we’ll create those results, step by step.

Phase 1 – Integrity Blueprint: Who you really are

We map out your current Nice Guy patterns: people‑pleasing, conflict avoidance, dishonesty, over‑giving, sexual shame, and hidden resentment.
You define your core values and non‑negotiable standards – your Integrity Blueprint – so you finally know what “being a good man” means for you, not for everyone else.
You get simple, real‑life exercises to start acting in alignment with this blueprint immediately (micro honesty, small confrontations, tiny acts of self‑respect).

✅Result of Phase 1: You stop feeling confused and start feeling clear – you know what the “right thing” is in tough situations, and have a blueprint to guide your behaviour.

Phase 2 – Courage and Communication: Saying what needs to be said

You learn practical communication tools to speak your mind respectfully: honest disclosures, clean confrontations, boundary statements, and “no” without guilt.
We prepare and debrief real conversations from your life (partner, boss, family), so you’re not just learning theory – you’re dealing with real situations and upgrading them.
You gradually face emotionally difficult situations – disagreements, criticism, saying “no” – in a controlled way that builds confidence rather than overwhelming you.

✅Result of Phase 2: You can have uncomfortable conversations without panicking, freezing, or lashing out. People start to see you as calm, honest, and respectable instead of “nice but weak”.

Phase 3 – Lifestyle Integration: Living as a confident, respected man

We redesign your daily routines, relationship habits, and social life to match your Integrity Blueprint: how you work, rest, connect, and pursue goals.
You create a realistic, sustainable action plan for the next 6–12 months so that the changes stick instead of fading once coaching ends.
We address the predictable resistance – from your own fear as well as from other people – and install strategies so you don’t relapse into old Nice Guy habits when things get tough.

✅Result of Phase 3: You’re no longer “doing a program”; you’ve become a different kind of man – one who leads with integrity, stands his ground, and builds relationships based on honesty instead of approval‑seeking.

Logistics & Investment

Here’s exactly what you get.

❇️Weekly 1:1 coaching sessions (online)
60–90 minute private sessions with Dan Munro focused on your specific situations – relationship, work, family, dating, or general confidence.

❇️Session recordings for life
You can revisit any session to reinforce breakthroughs, read transcripts, and stay on track with strategies, instead of relying on memory.

❇️Between‑session support (email / text)
If you want feedback, or you have a big conversation or difficult decision coming up, you can reach out for guidance so you’re not alone between calls.

❇️LIFETIME free access to BROJO community resources
You gain access to courses and group coaching that reinforce what we’re working on and connect you with others on the same journey (normally $100/month – free to you permanently!)

Investment Options

If you’re not yet sure you’re ready to invest, you can apply for a free 1:1 trial coaching session here. Below are the options for men who are ready to get into it and trust I’ll deliver what I promise.

$4,500 US – One‑time payment

Save $300 AND get 1x extra coaching session for FREE to use any time after the program is completed!

$1,600 US – Monthly plan

3x payments of $1,600 split over 3 months

NOTE: This 90‑day intensive is limited to 5 private clients at a time so each person gets full attention and support. The payment links will be disconnected if I’m currently full.

Guarantee

If either of us feels like the coaching should not continue after our first session together, you will get a full no-questions refund and we’ll stop the coaching.

Testimonials

You can read independent reviews from my coaching clients on Google here

Typical experiences for my clients (no promises – this is just what happened for them):

▶️Andy went from catastrophizing all the time about what his workmates and neighbours thought of him, to simply no longer caring about what anyone thought of him. Ever. This allowed him to finally start a side-hustle that he’d wanted to do for decades.

▶️Daniel cheated on his wife. She was about to divorce him. We repaired his marriage by learning to express his emotions clearly, set boundaries, and get over his fear of missing out. Now they’re stronger than ever before. And I helped him start his own business.

▶️Simon was a 30 year old virgin who could only get into the friendzone. He’s now married with two children, and is totally honest in the relationship.

▶️Tony was devastated after his wife of 8 years suddenly left him for another man after getting sick of his people pleasing. Now he’s travelling the world and dating amazing women that he once thought were out of his league. The people pleasing has stopped.

▶️Ian was terrified of commitment of any kind because deep down he thought he wasn’t good enough. He’s now married and expecting his first child, and he found the courage to go all in on his own business.

▶️Vince was constantly getting into pointless conflicts with his wife, and losing her respect. Now they’re a solid team, and she looks up to him as a man who can maintain boundaries without losing control.

▶️Jerry was still living at home in his late 20s, absolutely dominated by his controlling parents. His work colleagues bullied and controlled him too. He’s now living on his own, can approach and connect with beautiful women without fear, and is respected and known as someone you do not mess with at work.

All these stories can be verified here.

FAQ

Who is this coaching really for, and how do I know if I’m a good fit?

The best fit for this program is a man who identifies as being Mr Nice Guy and/or a people pleaser, is dedicated to becoming more confident and authentic, and is willing to get uncomfortable trying some new behaviours.

What specific changes or results can I realistically expect in 90 days?

This obviously depends on your courage and what kind of trauma etc. holds you back, but you can reasonably expect to figure out your Nice Guy sabotaging beliefs and behaviours, fix the worst of them, feel confidence growing, know what your Core Values are and how to live by them, and learn how to create healthy relationships within 90 days. After that it’s just practice and repetition.

How is this different from therapy, books, or free confidence content online?

I will get inside your head for your specific needs, challenges and goals. I’m like a mental mechanic, I will help you pull yourself apart and put it all back together to function much more effectively. You can try doing this on your own too, just expect it to take years instead of months due to being unable to see your own blind spots.

What happens after I sign up – what’s the onboarding and session process like without a sales call?

After you’ve enrolled, you’ll be sent a link to book in your first session and you’ll receive an email with all links, bonuses and other information needed. During our first session the rest will be made clear. I have times available for anywhere in the world, and you can contact me if there’s an issue with finding a good time – we’ll make something work.

How much time per week will this require, and can it work with my job/family schedule?

Apart from the weekly coaching session, our work will be designed to integrate with your life. Your “homework” tasks will involve real-life situations, not extra work on top of your everyday activities. You already have enough time.

What if I do the work but don’t get results – do you have any kind of guarantee or safety net?

I can’t guarantee that you’ll do the work, I can only guarantee that I will deliver expert coaching built on a solid foundation of formal education, practical training, and decades of experience. I can guarantee that I have implemented all of this into my own life for incredible results. I can guarantee that nearly all of my clients who have courageously taken action have achieved results above and beyond their expectations. If you have a history of investing without doing the work, however, this is not for you.

How confidential are our sessions and messages, especially around sensitive topics like sex, shame, or trauma?

Highly confidential. The information won’t be shared with anyone without your permission. Calls are recorded for you, but only you and I will have access to the recordings.

What is your coaching style and philosophy – will I resonate with your direct, integrity‑based approach?

My style is straight to the point. I won’t be hard on you, but I will be honest. I will focus on pointing out the contradictions in your beliefs, and help you to take responsibility for your actions. I won’t allow you to play the victim and blame others for your choices or results. If you don’t want to take full responsibility for your life, I can’t help you.

What happens after the 90 days – can I continue, join a community, or move into more advanced coaching?

Some of my clients continue with more advanced coaching because they want to become insanely confident. Many of my clients continue with light-touch maintenance coaching (e.g. one session per month) to make sure they keep their progress going. Others continue with the Brojo community, using the courses and my books to stay on track. And some clients simply don’t need me at all any more and go off on their own.