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Relationships for Dummies: Nice Guy marriage and relationship tips

We’re going to look at relationships and how these are affected by nice guy syndrome. We’ll explore how relationships are different for nice guys and what the unique challenges are. We’ll look at what makes a great relationship work, as well as what causes toxic relationships and divorces. We’ll compare long term relationships with marriage. We’ll explore the specific issues with ADHD because it’s such a sought after topic. And then we’ll look at how to repair damage that’s already occurred

Topics:

  • Nice Guy relationships: definition
  • How relationships work for the best possible connection
  • Relationships vs marriage: what’s the difference?
  • Relationships with adhd and nice guy syndrome Can relationships be fixed?

 


 

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To build the confidence and authenticity in your relationship, contact Dan for support

dan@brojo.org

 


Full transcript (unedited)

Welcome back to the brojo online podcast. Today, I thought I’d tackle relationships. We’ll call this relationship advice for dummies. And we’re going to particularly focus on nice guy, long term relationships and marriages, we’re gonna look at how relationships are affected by nice guy syndrome, we’re going to explore how they’re different for nice guys to see other people, average people, and what those unique challenges are, we’ll look at what makes a great relationship work, as well as what causes toxic relationships and common causes of divorce. So we know what to avoid and try to counter, we’re going to compare the difference between marriage and other types of long term relationships to try and see what difference their ring makes and what you need to consider about being in a marriage or considering starting a marriage. We’re also gonna look at specifically the issues with ADHD, and how that affects long term relationships. Because it’s so often comorbid with nice guy syndrome. And because of my research into the keywords and stuff for this podcast, I just kept seeing it coming up, a lot of people are searching for this. So I thought I tried tackle that as well. And then finally, we’ll finish up by having a look at how to deal with a relationship that’s already damaged. So if you’re listening to this from a place of pain in your relationship, we have a look at whether or not your situation is salvageable. And what you need to do to repair it. Nice Guy, relationships, the definition of meaning, and how this is different to other relationships. So let’s start with just defining what an actual basic relationship is. I’d say a relationship is a romantic partnership, where two people have explicitly crossed the line from dating or friendship or something else into a committed partnership with a label like girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, husband, husband, whatever it is, you’re now calling yourselves in a relationship. It’s got a romantic sexual theme to the connection. And there is boundaries around the level of commitment and loyalty that is expected of each other. That might seem really obvious. But it’s amazing to me how often people confuse this with attraction and connection, which I’ve done previous content about before. They think that if I’m dating someone we really like each other, that’s the same thing as being in a relationship. And is, if you haven’t explicitly crossed that line, then you just have attraction and maybe a connection, you might think because you get along really well with someone that you have some sort of ongoing relationship with them. But if you haven’t sat down and talked about what is this relationship and what are the boundaries, then you’re still just in a connection. So relationships are really the introduction of boundaries, to a long term connection to a repeat connection with somebody you see often, where contact with often regularly. The relationship element is just the boundaries and the rules around how you’re going to engage with each other. And the issue for nice guys is that these boundaries are rarely well defined, often very poorly defined, there’s very few of them. A nice guy can easily be in what he thinks is a relationship for many years and not once have they actually sat down and talked about what it means to be in a relationship and what the rules and expectations are. It’s all just implied and hoped for. Now, relationships obviously exist on a sliding scale from really healthy and helpful all the way down to horribly abusive and boundaries with how well they’re maintained and defined, how well boundary breaches are confronted and dealt with that generally decides where the relationship sets on the healthy to abuse of scale. So often I’m working with nice guys who have been divorced or had disastrous relationships. And they’re trying to figure out why. And the first thing we go to as well let’s have a look at the boundary setting. Let’s have a look at the relationship. And what we’ll see is a high correlation between what felt like an abusive relationship and poor boundary setting and boundary enforcement. So nice guys, the boundaries are either covert contracts, which means that they’re kept inside and hoped for and they’re not spoken aloud. You might hold someone to account for breaching those boundaries, but not explicitly. You’ll just soak or punish them, give them the cold shoulder when they’ve done something you don’t like but you don’t actually say that I want you to do this or I don’t want you to do they’re COVID contracts are absolute poison for relationships. I’ve already done a whole video on that. Well, the boundaries are just non existent. The pushover type nice guy. He’s just forming all the time and just doing whatever it takes to make his partner happy. He has no internal sense of what’s right or wrong. He just adjusts to his partner and her pleasure. All the boundaries are inconsistently based on mood and feeling and what happens today doesn’t matter what happens yesterday or tomorrow. You just come up with rules as you see fit. This poor boundary seeing practice comes from an innate Nice Guy belief that confrontation is bad conflict avoidance thing that most nice guys have in common. We think that confrontation hurts relationships. And so boundary setting, which is obviously such a vaca tour, or confrontation gets put aside, we avoid anything that might cause a fuss. And so we don’t ask for what we want and say what we don’t want and define terms for how someone must interact with us and define what respect means we avoid all that because there’s so much potential confrontation there. One of the biggest epiphanies I’ve ever had in my life, there really helped my nice guy recovery accelerate, was understanding that confrontations are good for relationships necessary, actually. And then absence of confrontation doesn’t mean that you’ve got a good relationship, quite the opposite. You’ve got nothing but pleasure in agreement all the time in your relationship. You’re doomed. Doomed, won’t be tomorrow, maybe not next month, but give it a few years. And it’s all over. And this is because nice guys confuse confrontation with conflict. We think that standing up for yourself and asking for what you want and setting terms about how someone can and cannot behave if they hope to be in a relationship with you. We think that that’s a harmful thing to do. That always comes with conflict. It always comes with emotional drama, and escalating tensions and shouting and whatever else we experienced in our childhood, when we tried to stand up for ourselves. But it’s important that we separate these two confrontation is asserting a boundary. A conflict is a bad reaction to that. They’re not actually the same thing. Two Healthy People don’t have conflicts, but they do have confrontations. So it’s not unusual for a nice guy to be in a relationship that’s never been clearly defined. Beyond perhaps say, we can’t see other people or just whatever his partner says is right and wrong. He never has a say and he just placidly agrees with everything. Over the months and the years this grinds him down into a kind of prison of servitude and unspoken resentment, as everything he secretly wants goes unmet. And he starts to blame his partner for his own feelings of of inadequacy and unfulfillment, despite the fact that he has refused to take responsibility for making those things happen himself. And of course, on the other side, his partner will start to resent him for being spineless, boring, flavorless, and for being unable to trust that he could stand up for her because he doesn’t stand up to her. The guy will start giving up on things he lets go of his big dreams for the future. The hobbies start to fade, he stopped seeing his friends. And basically, he just starts catering to his wife or even his children, their demands and their needs always prioritize. He’s always self sacrificing. And all this does is create resentment from everyone involved, nobody wants. And yet, he’ll just keep doing it, because he still thinks that confrontations even worse than this won’t be until he’s in divorce court that he realizes her, maybe I should have confronted her. But now it’s too late. It creates what I call Greenlight syndrome, the guy becomes so avoidant of any kind of tension, that he will not act without a green light, he will not do something that does not clearly have encouragement, and permission, generally, he has to wait to be told to do something, or wait for somebody else to lead. I quite often get emails about this being a problem in the bedroom, the guy just does not initiate the woman thinks he doesn’t want it anymore. Sometimes he’s actually given up on it because it becomes so confrontational, to have sex. But the issue is he can’t move without her making the first move. And the woman has to adopt the kind of masculine role in the relationship whether she’s naturally masculine or not. And he isn’t even feminine, he’s just passive is just this follow up. So the decision making especially for the family, the decisions that affect everybody in the family, get dumped onto the partner. And the nice guy just sort of plays this easygoing like I’m cool with whatever you’re cool with role that doesn’t actually help anyone and just places a huge burden on the partner and also makes her doubt whether he really enjoys anything that’s happening because she can’t trust what he likes when he doesn’t express what he dislikes skinnin in a number of ways for most commonly for my clients at the ends and then the motionless stalemate are kind of living with a flatmate situation where all the tension has gone. Feels like he just with a relatively pleasant friend who never upsets you. And of course, this leads to either a divorce and breakup or the long term silent suffering. So many nice guys have parents who are people pleasers, and they’ve stayed together because they’re from a different generation. But that’s the only reason they’ve stayed together. There is nothing left in that relation. jabbed is empty and hollow. It’s just people going through the motions, it’s horrible to watch solutions. While this obviously requires a major reset, particularly around boundaries, basically, you have to restart the relationship. As in start, again, with boundaries, it requires not only the boundaries are set, but they’re enforced. And I’ve talked about this and other pieces of content, it isn’t just saying what you want and don’t want, what you expect, but actually behaving to make that happen to stand up and make changes when those boundaries are breached. And this is a huge paradigm shift for nice guys. And they don’t realize that it’s actually attractive. And it’s going to bring the spark back into their relationship, but they are going to have arguments, they are going to have confrontations, the emotional range is going to get bigger, there’s going to be more anger, there’s going to be more upset and more disappointment, more confusion, all that stuff you’ve been avoiding, there’s going to be more of, but there’s also going to be more happiness more love, more sexual thrill, it’s a package deal, to have a healthy relationship. Both partners need to buy in on the receipt. Because the fact is that anybody who stays with a nice guy and allows him to keep being this way, is implicitly involved. They’re co conspirators in this disaster. So the partner has to pull her weight as well, and she’s got some shit on her side, that’s not so healthy. In fact, that’s guaranteed. So both of them have to commit to commitment, they have to commit to new boundaries being set. Not only does this guy have to push himself to be more assertive and more honest, the wife will usually have to push herself to be safer to be served with and be more accepting and loving when honesty comes out, and not to punish it. So think about inserting massive honesty, massive assertiveness, and massive curiosity about your partner. An injection of those three can turn around a nice guy relationship, a lot of help a lot of people with this. So if you and your partner wants to get together for a conversation, get in touch dan@brojo.org. And we’ll talk it through how relationships can work to have the best possible connection. So now we’re going to have a look at the stats and my experiences coaching people for 10 years to find the common success factors and healthy long term relationships. And as well as find the common factors and relationships that break down, I think we have to start by actually answering a question, are relationships worth it? I see that question being asked, when I look up keywords, search terms and stuff comes up a lot. And what I’d say is, I always refer back to the infamous or famous Harvard happiness study the 70 year longitudinal study on what makes people truly enjoy their life. And the finding was undeniably good, long term relationships. So basically speaking, unless you have a certain personality type, like you’re an antisocial personality, perhaps, or narcissistic personality, for most of the huge majority of the rest of you. Having a great partner is about the best thing you can do with your life. It’s not the only way to enjoy life. But it’s the kind of most guaranteed. That being said, we can also see that having an unhealthy or toxic partnership is about the worst experience a human being can have. So we have to make sure it’s a good one. But if it’s a good one, stat say it’s worthwhile. So what is a good relationship? It’s healthy, it feels healthy, you behave in a healthy way towards each other. You treat each other well. You’re honest, you don’t have to hide anything. It’s the person you can be yourself with. You have a deep connection, you know each other intimately down to the core, your secrets, your vulnerabilities, your shames, your dreams, everything has been shared. You’re very loving towards each other. You rely on each other, but you’re also independent, you’re interdependent, so you’re better together, but you can survive on your own as well. The relationship lasts a long time, then in itself is a measure of success. And overall, you have a relationship that will reduce your life regrets you have the kind of relationship that when you get to your deathbed, all the things that you traded off to have this relationship like all the fun of a single life, perhaps you’ll look back and go no, this was the better choice. I’d rather have those regrets than not be with my partner. And I think that’s one of the easiest measures here. Another question I see asked quite often is our relationships supposed to be hard? When people ask us I think what they’re saying is, why is it that I always have so much conflict in my relationships? Why does it feel like such a big effort? Is it really worth it considering it feels this way? What I’d say especially if you’re a nice guy is if you’ve got no conflict in your relationship, there is no disagreement or up said ever, you’ve got a real problem, you’re doing it wrong. So relationships aren’t free, you have to earn them, you have to work at them. And part of that is the constant confrontations and boundary management between you and your partner. That’s the hard. But if you can accept that cost, then you get these massive rewards. Right? The connection, the sense of being with someone sharing your life, having meaning through building a family or someone, you can’t have that ship for free, you got to work at it, just like gardening, you got to keep the weeds out, you got to fertilize things, you got to clip the leaves, you can just sit there and open or grow into abundance to people no matter how well they get along, they’re never completely 100% compatible. Right, we all have slightly different preferences, slightly different beliefs. If you’re looking to find your exact double out there, just stay home and masturbate because that’s the only person who’s the same as you. So you have to accept that getting into a relationship means sharing your life with someone who’s not exactly like you. And the inevitable friction that’s going to come up with that must be managed. But like I said, you think of it like weeding a garden, there should be effort, but it shouldn’t be strenuous. If the effort is exhausting, you’re either doing it wrong, or you’re with the wrong person. So if you’re a people pleaser, for example, being in a relationship may feel exhausting, because you’re constantly trying to make the other person happy. While you’re doing it wrong. It’s not about making the other person happy. It’s about having a healthy connection, which isn’t about happiness all the time. And if it feels real strenuous, because you’re being abused and cheated on. And you know, the conflict is just wild and chaotic all the time, then you’re with the wrong person. Just gotta remember, love is not enough for a relationship. It’s enough for connecting, it’s enough for dating, a relationship is about boundaries, you want something to go the distance with someone who a person is going to change over time, as long as well as you, you’re going to change over time. So that last, you guys have got to have a solid understanding of what’s right and wrong in your relationship and how each person should behave towards each other for the safety of the relationship. Another way to look at a relationship as as just communication. That’s all it ever really is. Whether it’s physical touch, or spoken words, the relationship is really made of us spending time and communicating with each other. So if you can do the healthiest possible communication, you’ll probably have the healthiest possible relationship. So if there’s any one thing to focus on, like, should I focus on my sex life should we do be doing more stuff together, maybe we should travel, Nana get better at communicating, always just get better at communicating. There’s endless opportunity for growth when it comes to communicate, and you can always do a better and every time you do, your relationship will improve. If you’re single listening to this, please trust me on my experience transparency from day one from your first date, you should be totally honest. And that way, you’ve got no burden of secrets, no shame to hide nothing to repair later on. No surprises that come up later. Like oh my god, you’re a different person who I thought you were. That’s the kind of shit that eventually leads to divorce. You want something to go well be yourself from day one. And allow that sort of high likelihood of rejection feeling to happen. Because if they like you like that, you’ll never have to put any real effort into this relationship. Again, you can just be you and be honest. And they will do all the work. When listening to the other person try to have generous assumptions. All right, assume that they’re trying their best to be a good person. It sounds kind of obvious, but it’s amazing how much the opposite happens in relationships, how often partners will deliberately misinterpret each other to give it a negative, meaning when it was really neutral or positive. So when you’re listening to them think they’re good person trying to do good things. Maybe they’re saying it wrong. Maybe they’re not going to put in the woods together. But what’s what’s the real intention here. Now, of course with the if you’re with an abusive person, you’ll notice that that doesn’t quite play out that every time you have a generous assumption about it, they debunk that assumption, you know, they really prove it to be wrong. But when you’re with someone who’s good few being generous with the assumptions will relax them. And they’ll put more effort into communicating better, whatever the conversation is, stay until it’s done, really pay attention and see it through to the other side, especially confrontations. confrontations kind of have an inverse bell curve, you start all right, and then you get down into the valley and it’s horrible and pessimistic. And this is where most people bail out especially on the downhill slope, they try to get out of it. Stick with it. Have a big awkward silence If you need to have half an hour to soak whatever and then come back to just stick with until we come to the other side where you come to some sort of valued boundary agreement. Even if it’s just okay we’re not going to see eye to eye on this but we’ve said everything we Need to say let’s move on. At least get there don’t bail halfway with roughest when it comes to communicating with your partner think of making a mess and then cleaning it up, rather than trying to get your words perfect, whether it’s trying to impress them and be attractive, or trying to manipulate them into getting what you want, try to just speak impulsively and spontaneously radical honesty. And then if that doesn’t go down well, and didn’t come out, right, fix it up together. And that kind of conversation is the most bonding, you say something that’s upsetting or offensive or confusing. And either the two of you try to pull it apart to find out what you’re really thinking and feeling. And that means you’re working together, on communicating, what you’re really doing is learning to fight well. So when you have disagreement and conflict with each other, you’re fighting for the relationship rather than against each other. So as soon as you’re having a problem with each other, both of you should be starting to talk about how do we make sure this conversation improves our relationship? Rather than how do I beat my partner in this conversation? Or how do I stop them from being angry? A little note I want to make on the side of our relationships and social media, I think there’s a pretty high correlation between how much a relationship is posted about and featured on social media, and how likely that is that the relationship has fucked up. Right? Generally, people only express things positively a lot and kind of brag and boast about something, when deep down, they know there’s something wrong with it. They’re trying to kind of validate it with others or prove themselves wrong and silence that voice inside them. I’ve noticed people in the healthiest and happiest relationships, never brag about it, don’t talk about it, they don’t need to, they know it’s good. And I think what there’s almost a chicken in the egg situation here where if you start posting on your social media about your relationship, you actually start endangering it. So sorts it out with your partner, not with the whole world. And don’t put out a false front, because you’ll start to believe it. Or you start to wish you believed it. And then you’re not going to deal with the real issues in your relationship. And you’ve got to keep in mind how relationships change over time. You think about you’ve changed in the last decade, right? Who you were at the start of the decade, who you are now. I mean, most of you, you’ll be like a whole new person. Now imagine that you’re with someone else, and you both go 10 years together. So multiply your change by the change. And that’s how different two people can end up a decade into a marriage unless they work at keeping their paths together. So if you don’t consciously work on walking the path together, you will walk the path apart. People constantly change, you don’t see it on a daily basis, because the changes are minut. But over the course of a year or 10 years, the changes are massive by look at who I was when I was 20. I basically don’t align with that guy almost at all. I don’t have the same hobbies, same interests, same mindset, same belief system, I don’t look like him. I mean, if I’d been in a relationship with someone, since then, they would have had to make some massive adjustments to keep up with who I am now. Staying honest, and staying involved in each other’s lives will prevent the drift. Do as much together as you can and share as much as possible about what’s happening for each of you on a daily basis. And you’ll keep sort of resetting the connection, and it will prevent the drift. Or you’ll identify quite early that you’re becoming incompatible. And at least you’re in the relationship quickly, rather than dragging it out and wasting time. Now let’s look at what relationships lasts longest by reverse engineering, divorce statistics, we’re gonna look at some of the top five reasons why people get divorced based on the stats. And then from there, we’re going to extrapolate also based on other studies that I’ve looked at what the preventative or, you know, solution to those problems is one of the biggest causes of divorces is the other partner, seemingly not engaged in the relationship not invested in trying to make it work. But it’s actually I think the number one cause of divorce the sense the other person’s not working on the relationship should be an easy one for you invest in the relationship, if you’re going to have a long term relationship, then it should be in your top three list of priorities in your life. The maintenance of the relationship itself should be a project that the two of you are constantly working on together, there should be discussions regularly about the relationship itself, how well it’s going, what needs to change what’s working well, and so on. Don’t just hope that because you feel good today that everything’s fine, because that’s the kind of thing that leads to divorce, I’m telling you. Often the person who feels like the relationships doing okay, is the one that’s not invested as much as the other person. So it’s the other person doing all the work to make it feel that way. And they’re getting resentful and bitter. And when it comes to Nice Guys, that’s often the case. By the time the wife emails me, my husband, I’ve had enough oh my god, can you save this marriage? The guy doesn’t even know there’s a problem. Right? He’s like, Oh, I’m just doing what I do. Everything’s fine. because he doesn’t even want to hear about, he doesn’t want to get involved in anything that might be icky. Right. And so she’s doing all this sort of secret work on the side, and the two of them just grown apart. Well, the next biggest causes of divorce is of course, betrayal, infidelity, cheating. And what you got to understand is for this to happen, there has to be a huge buildup of dishonesty and resentment. Cheating is not spontaneous, unless you got a serial cheater who no longer has to think about. But cheating usually comes with a huge backstory, it’s usually months in the making. And the only reason it’s allowed to escalate to that stage where the person builds up resentment towards the partner and desire for other people, is because it’s not talked about, he talked about it earlier, as soon as it starts happening, and you can nip it in the bud. So as soon as you’re having problems with your partner, you resent something they’re doing, you feel unfairness, whatever. As soon as you start being attracted to other people, even the brief attraction walking past someone on the street, make that okay to talk about, because often is that conversation that cuts off the process before it gets started. In general, I recommend a no secrets policy, your relationships should be the one place where you are 100% transparent, as are they, even if you can’t do it elsewhere, he can’t do it in your relationship, then don’t have one. Another big one is finances, obviously, financial stress, but also problems between the two people when it comes to managing the money, which is really the cause of the financial stress. People can deal with being in poverty and struggling financially, as long as they’re on the same team. So when it comes to finances, and just resources in general, and rules about how the resources are managed, that has to be a joint power arrangement, it doesn’t mean that you even have all the same money together or anything like that just means that whatever you’ve got going on is a discussed, frequently discussed arrangement between the two of you that you’re both totally cool with, based on your sort of preferences and styles, and my relationship, all the money is shared. But Lucy gets like we both get like money on the side that we can spend however we want. We discuss our budget every month. Lucy mostly manages the personal finances, I mostly manage the business finances. And we just have our roles and we’re constantly in communication with each other. We’re not doing the same thing. But we feel like we’re equal partners. And when we first had conversations about it, they were pretty ugly governance conversations, and I could see why a nice guy would want to avoid those kinds of conversations. But have we not had them we’d be having serious problems right now. It’s one that comes up a lot in divorce states is a different religion, which I thought was odd because I have seen many partnerships with people have slightly different religious beliefs work out. And what I realized is when people say different religion, what they mean is different core values. The Religions can be different, but the core values cannot be. So your core values must be a discussion that comes up very early in the dating phase. And if you haven’t done it yet, do it tonight. You talked about what you believe or what is right and wrong. What are your principles? What’s your code of conduct? What do you think people should and shouldn’t do? Especially what you should and shouldn’t do to each other. There must be in alignment or at least respect for disagreement on that. You know, my wife was Catholic, I would be I guess you call an atheist. But I don’t ever stop her going to church or trying to talk her out of it. She doesn’t ever try to enroll me into Catholicism, we let each other have different beliefs. What we have in common is core values like honesty and respect and responsibility and core things that we love to do like travel and dance. Those things need to be aligned, the religion is not so important. And lastly, of course, one of the biggest problems that cause divorces abuse, okay, the kind of abuse that comes with someone being an addict and the harm they do their family, to outright domestic violence. And this one’s pretty simple. Don’t fucking do that. Right? Just don’t. Don’t get into a relationship until you’re sure that you won’t do that. And if you do, do it, make sure you go and get whatever therapeutic recovery stuff sorted as soon as possible so that it never happens again, right? You just cannot have a relationship where you abuse each other, emotionally or physically, or any other way, and hope that all work out. You should be treating the other person like they’re your favorite person, not like be your fucking enemy. Think that one should be obvious, but apparently it’s not. Well, one way to sort of sum this up, is using my 3x model of confidence, curiosity, honesty and respect. Those three principles are critical to a healthy relationship. So curiosity about your partner constantly explore their mind, stay in touch with what’s happening with their life. Try to do things with them get involved and know them deeply, and vice versa. Honesty. Get it all out no matter what you’re afraid of. No matter how much of a hassle it will be No matter how sure you are, that they’re going to react badly, get it all out all the time. Never leave anything important unsaid, and respect. Give them space, or listen to them and pay attention when it’s their turn to talk, try to encourage their self development and their growth. Make it that coming home to you, is the best experience of their life. I don’t mean trying to please them. I just mean being a safe place for them. If you or you and your partner want help with this, of course, get in touch Dan ambrogio.org. And we’ll have a session together, talk it out. Relationships versus marriage, what’s the difference? Obviously, long term relationships and marriages have a lot in common. But the ring does do something. I’m sure that. So we’ll talk a bit about that. Now, for those of you considering marriage, or those of you in a marriage, wondering why is it different than when we’re dating. And what we’re going to be talking about a lot here is how nice guys are affected by commitment. Marriage, I guess is just one form of commitment, and expression of commitment. But commitment does weird things to nice guys either double down on their people pleasing. So they become completely fawning and submissive and do everything to try and make you happy. Or they do kind of the opposite. They stop trying now that they’ve hooked you, they spend their effort trying to please other people, and they kind of just bring the scraps home. It’s not unusual for women to be surprised and shocked at three to six months after what seems like a wonderful dating period with a wonderful man turns into something else where the guy is suddenly harmful towards them or indifferent and not meeting the expectations and the precedents that he had set before. So marriage, marriage used to be a seal alliances between families to prevent conflict and shear property and so on. And these days, you can decide what it means for you. It can be something you do or not do, it doesn’t really make much of a difference. In terms of long term partnership, you can easily have a long term relationship for life without sealing it with a marriage. But marriage can still do something for you. So you got to decide for yourself, you know, for me, marriage was about me. Finally facing my great fear of commitment. I had an avoidant attachment style most of my life committing to someone, having someone affect my life having to consider other people when I made decisions, I had great fears and insecurities around that. And so when I’m looking for ways to overcome my fear, I’m like, well, marriage, and I’m really big on like going all in when it comes to overcoming my fears. You know, I think if you got a fear of heights, you got to go skydiving. So I knew that marriage would be the place where I could overcome those commitment fears and those intimacy fears, and doesn’t mean that everyone should get married. But I came to the conclusion that even if marriage didn’t exist, I would do something like that, to overcome my fear. I got great advice from a friend of mine, who is in a like a 30 year marriage, that’s gone well. And he said that thing with a marriage is when you hit hard times. And sometimes hard times can last for weeks, not just days or hours. A marriage gets you to try and commit to see through to the end of that hard time. He said that sometimes they go for weeks without even loving each other. And then it comes back as like a valley they went through in the marriage was the bridge across their value, got them through and allowed them to be patient and see it through rather than giving up just because it doesn’t feel good right now. And that makes a lot of sense. When you want to do something long term, whether it’s a marriage or running your own business, something like that. There’s going to be times where you lose the love for it and the winds are replaced by losses. And they might go for a long enough time that you start to doubt that things good anymore. Like him and marriage helps me get through those times. And the other reason I chose marriage is because I’m all about the science and the stats show that married couples generally have healthier children. I’m not dissing anybody here. It is possible without marriage. But I always try to give myself the best possible odds when I can. So many nice guys like me are avoidant. And so marriage and the idea of triggers, suffocation, any kind of commitment triggers a suffocation feeling and a freedom seeking. And in the relationship there might look like porn use or distancing, emotionally cheating stonewalling, just sort of retreating into their shell, constantly feeling smothered, and anxious nice guys tend to cling to any girl that even looks at them. And so they end up in disastrous marriages. And these are the kinds of guys that get cut in half with divorce, rape and end up being abused by a narcissist and so on because they just take whatever they can get. So a question that comes up a lot is does marriage ruin relationships? I think like money, marriages and amplifier, it’ll just make more of what’s already happening happen. So just like if a rich person is greedy, they were always greedy money just gave them Have more to be greedy about if someone’s generous, more money won’t make them less generous. Sounds like alcohol, you know, how someone who’s when they’re drinking gives you a pretty good indication of what they like on the inside. So if your relationship has bared of their seeds of toxic kind of unhealthiness in their marriage is going to be a disaster for you, for the two of you. And if your relationship is good, the marriage can enhance that. Right? So you’re gonna go from amateur to pro, it’ll be the best thing you’ve ever done. And that’s statistically valid thing to say. So of course, where you got to do is make sure it’s good. First, make sure before you think that marriage, you go, that’s within adds us. So you got to make sure you’re totally honest, feels like you’re with your best friend who you also want to fuck regularly. Right? You share your finances and resources amicably. You have strong boundaries together and no problem discussing those, you’re dreaming of a future together. You think that if you die on a deathbed that this is a better option than the other ones available. And you prioritize each other over others, including other family members? Can marriage save a relationship? No, it’s an amplifier, fix your problems in the relationship before you get married, don’t hope the marriage will make it better. Right? If someone has bailed with finances, and you give them a million dollars, they’re gonna end up bankrupt, right? Give them good at budgeting, then give them a million, and they’ll stay rich. If you are in a marriage, and you found that since getting married, it seems like your relationship went downhill. And you’re quite sure that it was actually all right before you got married, there’s something about that commitment. And that ring that did some damage. And chicken and egg situation was the problem there before the marriage or after maybe you don’t know, you don’t know whether one partner started or you did it together. But there is a way to actually fix this. And there’s to understand that just because you’re wearing a ring, and you got the term married attached to you, doesn’t mean you have to behave in a certain married way. And that quite often when you’re processing along some sort of spectrum, right, you moving up through stages, and you hit a stage and things start to get bad, the best thing you can do is go back a stage or two and do it again, because that’s usually where the problem started. So what I would suggest is that if you got married and then things started to go wrong, it was in the pre marriage stage that things weren’t done, right, that things were kind of off a bit in marriage amplified there. So if you can go back to that stage, and get that going right, then your marriage can survive. So you can stay married, you might even take your rings off if you want to kind of symbolism. But mentally as an agreement between the two of you go back to dating, it might be as extreme as sort of sleeping in different beds, or even living living in different places. You go on dates, again, rather than just sort of hanging out all the time, you only see each other if you really feel like seeing each other rather than being forced to, you have separate interests and separate friend groups, you build time apart, so they actually miss each other and develop some sort of interest in each other. You might do things like dressing up for each other that you no longer do anymore. And you might start doing some work while you’re doing that to see what went wrong the first time. So you read a book, like attached to have a look at your attachment styles to see if something there, you can maybe get some therapy or coaching, what you do is you don’t give up on the relationship, you just dial it back from, you know, a 10 out or 10 down to a seven and the process of Okay, let’s start over from there. Back when it was good, let’s go back to our favorite time behaved like we’re there again, and tried to see like, where were the seeds of trouble being planted and how we stopped it. And then you can escalate again, a really great one as to use just online questionnaires and stuff you can find for couples, we just asked each other kind of questions or bring a really deep, transparent, shame ridden secrets about each other and just get to know each other again, it might be that you’ve just become complacently like flatmates and you don’t ever really talk properly anymore. You’re not really interested in each other anymore. So explore each other deeply. I guarantee you any quiz you find online, you ask those questions like, What do you really think about me? Or how do you feel about my parents? Or what are your dreams for the future? You’ll find out hey, I didn’t know that. You’ll get new answers and you’ll realize shit, we’ve actually lost touch with each other. But of course, as always on won’t be able to help you repair their damage. Get in touch Dan ambrogio.org We’re gonna have a conversation about it. I’d like to make a special mention about relationships for people who have ADHD, and nice guy syndrome. You know, whenever I’m doing my research, I find that ADHD issues in relation to relationships comes up all the time. There’s a lot of people searching for that trying to answer that question. So I’ll see what I can do about that today. What I’d say is We’re not really talking about something specific to relationships, we’re actually talking about general ADH D issues, and what happens in the relationship. So it’s not that a ratio of triggers some different person to come out of view says that it’s a place where these issues play out. Let’s just quickly review some of the common issues that people with ADHD have. And then we’ll also have a look at some of the common symptoms that nice guys have. And we’ll see how the combination can lead to some trouble in relationships. Now, I’ve never been formally diagnosed as having ADHD but whenever I read lists about it and life stories about I’m just like, God, that’s me. So I’m not even going to go get a diagnosis. I just know I fucking have it. I don’t care but I ever since ever look at some of these forgetfulness. That’s one of my favorites. I literally cannot hold two thoughts in my head by get up to do something in someone interferes with something else. Whatever it was, I got to do is go on forever. impulsiveness. Another one that I do I act before I think, especially with things that annoy me like problems I need to solve, I just go into solving them before planning out anxiety. I don’t have this so much anymore. I’ve kind of solved this one you might say but it used to rule my life. And in my earliest relationships, I just had a constant nauseous buzz in my stomach, constantly worried about getting things, right. emotional outbursts. Again, I don’t have this too often anymore. But there’s a buildup of tension and overwhelm with ADHD is just such a hard world to navigate that eventually you snap talking too much. This one might not actually be specific to ADHD. It’s more social anxiety, anything else comes from a fear of losing their interest that comes from an inability to be concise with what it is you want to say. This kind of fear of missing out that I have to include every detail that occurs to me that speaking means transporting everything in my mind out of my mouth, rather than filtering and moderating it, struggling to pay attention. And listen, I think this one does a lot of damage to relationships kind of zoning out that happens against your will, you know, and so another one that I do all the time someone’s talking, and eventually I realize I’m just watching their mouth move, I’m lost track when I’m less thinking about something else. I don’t mean to I want to pay attention. Just my brain just has too much to think about apparently, being disorganized. I think this one’s really only bothersome to relationships when you’re with someone who is organized and like structure and likes things to go well. And it does seem to be the kind of people we end up with, so we instantly irritate them. And then of course feeling lost or ignored or unloved or misunderstood. The side effect of what all these problems cause you know, all these communication issues, create resentment on both sides, and then you start to feel lonely. So then you combine this with common Nice Guy issues, over contracts, right? Expecting things from people without saying it out loud, and just hoping it will happen and resenting them when it doesn’t alexithymia being unable to put emotions into words just end up saying yeah, I’m fine with everything because you literally don’t have the language to explain the physiological sensations you’re having. pukes similar to emotional outbursts. So nice guy likes to build up a lot of resentment, but he likes to he just doesn’t he doesn’t mean to. And then he’ll snap and we’ll all come out. Very kinda rarely, occasionally. I’ve got one client, for example, he’s just been a model citizen his whole life. And then one day just struck his wife over some minor argument. And the guilt haunts them on a daily basis. He just couldn’t believe he had that in him. But he didn’t realize that it was actually years and years and years of resentment building up fixing rather than supporting like giving unsolicited advice trying to control your partner’s emotions, rather than trying to help them process it, trying to make them convenient. Constant maneuvering and Machiavellian manipulation instead of honesty, everything you said has an intent to kind of move someone a hidden intent, of course, is pretending to be okay pretending to listen, pretending to care. All these things, just try and keep things nice and smooth when they’re actually fake. So imagine if you’ve got both ADHD and nice guy syndrome, your communication relationships is going to be basically horrible. And if relationships really are based on communication, as we’ve talked about before, the boundary setting is what a relationship is. And boundaries are done with communication, and you suck this much with communication. Maybe that’s why their relationship struggling. So some things to keep in mind. These are symptoms, not life sentences. What I see far too often these days as a kind of overcorrection around mental illness stigma is now people kind of proud of being mentally ill and attached to it. So somebody will say I have ADHD as if there’s nothing they can do about that. As if they’ve kind of like saying I’m paralyzed and I can’t walk and be one nice guy syndrome. Do this as well, once they discover there’s Oh, I can’t help but I’m a nice guy rather than I can do something about it that wouldn’t compromise my integrity, make some changes here. So don’t be the victim here. Don’t be secretly proud of having communication issues, because there is no syndrome or situation in the world that says you can’t work on being better at communicating. And I have plenty of clients, nearly all of them have nice guy syndrome, a lot of them have ADHD and autism. And all of them have been able to improve how they communicate, to be more concise, to be more direct, to be more honest, to be better at listening, and to learn to work with the things they can’t control. So for example, being able to tell someone that you’re zoning out as it’s happening, is more realistic than trying to stop yourself from zoning out ever. And on there, no, sort of most of these problems are solved with the kind of work with me partnership, you talk to your partner about these things that you have not done here, like you must work with these because there’s nothing I can do. But more like, look, I’m working on them, I’m gonna need some support and some compassion from me, I’m gonna slip, there’s some of these things I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to change. Let’s work together on these, you know, it’s like, one of my ones is that I react really badly to plans being changed last minute, even if there are changes in improvement. I just have this agitation resistance to change all the time. And so my wife, Lucy knows that I have this thing. And so when she brings something up, and she sees me start frowning and stuff, she just asked like, do you have an actual problem with this? Or are you just doing that processing then because I’ve changed things. And I can just say to you, look, I’m doing my processing thing, give me a minute, I gotta be grumpy for a second. And then I’ll be able to look at this clearly, she’s like, sweet, sweet, you know, come back to me. And so we’re able to work with this little like reaction thing that I can’t stop from happening. And just be honest, when these things are happening to you. He had a COVID contract, say, look, I expected something from you. But I didn’t say it out loud. So that’s my bed, you catch yourself talking too much, just say it. So you know what I’m putting too much detail into the story, I can feel it, the main point I really want to make is just this, right, you can just catch it and call it out rather than trying to fix it before it happens. And this can actually work to your benefit in the relationship, you can create a kind of yin yang responsibility arrangement with your partner. You know, ADHD doesn’t mean you’re just totally useless. It just means you have strengths in some areas and weaknesses and others, you might not be able to focus, but you have lots of creative ideas. Yeah, you might be a bit disorganized, but you’re also really brave with your actions. So maybe, and quite often, what you’ll see is that your partner is like the opposite. At least that’s the case of my marriage. So things like organizing the budget is something that my brain was just not wired to do, because I’m just going to want to change things all the time. So they’re Solusi job, right? But being creative in a way that brings money into the house, that’s something I can do because I just pick them randomly put out ideas all the time. So that’s my job, and so on. So you’re looking over all the work with it, rather than around it or rather than suppressing it, bring it into your relationship, make it something you actually talk about. And that alone can be bonding, of course, a few more tips on how to work with things like ADHD and nice guy syndrome to make sure you got healthy relationships, get in touch dan@brojo.org and relationships be fixed. Let’s have a look at relationships that have gone sour. I’m speaking particularly to people who are in one right now and struggling with it, or want to understand a recent breakup. I’ll try to be honest with you about what can be salvaged and what just needs to come to an end. Relationships can be hard, even when you’re in a good relationship, or we have hard times I’ve been married for seven years, we’ve had our fair share of hard times from external problems like immigration issues, because we live in different countries due to internal problems like losing our connection when we focused in on having a child for the first time. You know, there are hard times in relationships. But some of these are deal breakers and some of them just trials that are going to make you even stronger. Let’s have a look at why relationships fail. And I think divorce statistics are really helpful here because it’s not just divorces. It’s long term relationships. I’m pretty sure they fail for the same reasons. Just divorces where it’s recorded. So here are the top reasons why people get divorced, and unbalanced investment. If you’re like your partner is not putting the work into the relationship, infidelity, cheating betrayal, financial stress and financial problems between the couple addiction issues, communication issues, intimacy and sex issues. Domestic Violence growing apart over time getting married too young and serious health issues. Let’s try and pull all of those apart to see how you could fix the relationship. If these issues are coming up. Unbalanced investment usually this is recorded. Proceed individualize as being the biggest reason for a divorce as one partner feels like the other one is not putting in the same amount of work and isn’t as interested in keeping the marriage going. And it feels very one sided. This is where it’s really good to look at attachment styles, because odds are what you’ve got going on as one person has an avoidant and the other person has an anxious and the anxious ones doing all the work. Anxious attachment, people tend to have this one ad flipped without desperately trying to keep a relationship going put years and years if they finally give up and just snap and go cold and just divorce breakup. Don’t talk to me ever again, you’re not getting the kids, this turtle turn around that they use to protect themselves from the suffering and the avoidance of sin, they’re going by our thought, we’re fine, because they’ve just been keeping the distance the whole time, which makes them feel comfortable. The investment in the relationship should be a regular discussion, the sense of fairness, the sense of commitment, the sense of paying attention to each other and caring about each other’s lives should be a discussion that’s regularly had. All right, and corrections need to be made when there’s a sense of imbalance. And this is where boundaries come in. You should have clear, explicit spoken boundaries, about what a balanced investment in your relationship looks like, from who pays for things to what it means to listen well, to who has what responsibilities with the children, to Whose turn is it to put out the fucking garbage. These should be regular, consistent conversations, and most importantly, the meta conversation about how you feel about all of it, we feel like your relationship has fear, and doesn’t mean you need to do the same. All right, it doesn’t mean that you’ll have 50% of every task. Just overall, it feels like you’re each doing 50% of the work. And if you’re the person who’s doing all the work and you’re not getting reciprocation, they don’t even want to talk about it, the will they talk about but they don’t do anything break up, at least temporarily. That’s going to be my advice on a lot of these points. A lot of relationships that are in trouble, need a reset, they don’t understand that a breakup would be healthy. And it’s like an indefinite breakup, you might get back together that’s still on the cards, but only after changes. And people often will not take your boundaries seriously. If they just meaningless powerless words. It’s amazing. It actually breaks my heart how often I’m working with couples, I just keep telling the one who’s struggling the most break up with them, break up with them, it’s in his best interest. You want to spark the flame in him. You want him to suddenly care. Give him something to lose. Because if he knows that you’re just gonna complain, but stay, where’s the motivation? Right, he’s just complacently stuck in his fears, break up with them and go should now I get to figure out how much this actually means to me because I’ve lost it. infidelity, the same thing, a recommend an immediate breakup. And then a conversation about what significant measurable behavioral changes would need to occur on both sides. For you to get to a clean slate, where the trust is no longer an issue. Now there will be multiple conversations, the person being cheated on, needs to be able to say this is what I need to see from you to feel safe, that you’re never going to cheat again. See from your not words, changes in behavior. And why don’t you did the cheating needs to talk about the build up? What kind of resentment did you build up? And why? How did you get to the point where you thought it was okay to do this to your partner? What would they need to change? Right, or what would need to change about your dynamic together so that you never get to that place again. And you stay broken up until you both feel that you’ve changed enough to start a new relationship on new terms. Financial stress, most importantly, it needs to be a normal conversation for you to have about the sharing of the finances, both of you should know where every dollar is, even if you both don’t have equal power over it. It’s not being poor. That gives you problems necessarily, but not being a team and working on those problems together. So there should be multiple conversations, you should be talking at least on a monthly basis, if not more frequently, about your finances, what you plan to do with them how you’re going to solve financial problems together, and so on. And there needs to be a buy in and shared power arrangement of your own making. It doesn’t have to be a set thing that other people use, but the one that works for the two of you, your personalities, your preferences. Like I say most importantly as you constantly have conversations about money the reason most people get into financial problems as they just don’t want to look at it. They don’t want to talk about it. They don’t want to think about it. And so they let their money run wild without any supervision and that’s how they get in problems. addiction issues, real simple, breakup, get clean thing get back together. communication issues. Ironically, this might be one of the biggest problems but it also the easiest effects because you can all Ways to develop better communication skills. Alright, there’s lots of free resources on the internet on how to talk to each other. You can get coaching with someone like me or therapy to develop a communication between each other, you can work on the concept of powerful honesty become more honest and more assertive with each other. There’s just so much resources out there, the only thing I’d say is you really have to work on it together. Any communication issues should be immediately seen as 5050. Even if one person is just stonewalling, and the other person’s trying their best to connect, well, this person is being needy. Right? So they’re both doing something. There’s a reason this person’s stonewalling is something that they’re resistant to. So it’s not always one sided, Vader’s never one sided. Any problems in a relationship are essentially 5050. Why do I say that? Because you could always leave. So if nothing else, you’re staying in it, you condoning it, even if you’re not that problem, but look up things like radical honesty, nonviolent communication, anything that will help you guys talk to each other better, more intimacy issues, specifically in the bedroom. This is a real classic one for nice guys, especially because it’s around initiating and risk of rejection that they have such hang ups about, and can be a really deep issue. So you might think that six is the issue, but six is the symptom of the issue. That’s the main way, you need to look at it. Okay, if you guys end problems in the bedroom, look elsewhere for the cause of those problems, right, they are going to be emotional problems, they’re going to be boundary problems, most likely, there’s going to be a polarity problem with masculine and feminine. You know, these days with the concept of masculine feminine just been sort of dragged through the dust, a lot of people getting into passive relationships where there’s no tension and spark, it doesn’t really matter which of you is masculine, and which of you is feminine. In fact, you can change roles in a given time, they can be the person who’s meek and mild, the rest of the week, but the dominant one in the bedroom, it doesn’t matter, as long as there’s always the polarity, as long as always one of us one and the other is the other sexual tension and sexual thrill as a result of that. So if you haven’t problems in the bedroom, start asking polarity questions, you know, who’s kind of a man of the house, whether it’s male or female, doesn’t matter, is somebody being passive rather than feminine? Is somebody being submissive rather than masculine? So looking at where else are we struggling, that makes us just either not want to have sex or make it such a big deal to us? Domestic Violence, it’s not quite black and white, I’d say if you’ve been fine for him, and you just had a one off, then you can work on that together in therapy, anyone who’s ongoing with violence and uses violence to solve problems, just break up with them. Really, the 7 billion people in the world out there, you can find one who’s at least not violent, growing apart, this is a really insidious one, because it happens at a micro level that you can’t see that, you know, sort of consolidates into a huge gap later on. So like the sniper, you know, if you’re justice, aim three millimeters here, he’s three kilometers off when he hits the target. So you want to think about your growth as something that’s constantly happening. And therefore you need to be doing it together, if you want to stay together, shared self developments, the key here, I right now, my wife is doing a new kind of diet nutrition plan. It’s really for woman, but I’m doing it with her so that our health and nutrition doesn’t get too far apart. So that we’re working on meals and health together, sharing your finances, let’s say you want to go to a workshop, at least go to the same workshop. So you want hobbies, at least both be doing hobbies and talking about them together and going to each other’s competitions and shows to watch, be involved in each other’s life. You don’t have to do all the same stuff, but should still be you’re coming at it as a couple, they should at least be a cheerleader, and an actor. And the last big one that I had on the list was health issues. So usually this means that like one partner has chronic health issues, and the other partner becomes like a kind of caregiver role. And that can kill the romance and it can create a lot of stress and all sorts of other problems. basically create all of the other problems we’re talking about. You need significant boundaries around your roles. You can’t just slip into becoming the person’s nurse or the person’s therapist, you got to always remember you’re their partner. And you got to have a clear idea between the two of you what that means, what it is and what isn’t. Alright, so if somebody has serious mental health issues, you’re not their psychologist, you’re not their therapist, you’re supportive. You’re loving, you’re the safe place they come home to that they should not be working through their issues with you. If somebody has severe physical illness, you’re not a doctor, you’re not a nurse. You can bring them soup or other Embiid but it should be medical professionals that give them the help. Of course, regardless, your role is going to change a bit. It’s just like becoming a parent. Suddenly you’re pushing a baby around in a stroller, you weren’t doing that before, there’s a certain behaviors that will change just even if you’re staying in the partner role. And you’ve got to come to peace with those changes, stop hoping that they will become something different that they temporary stop allowing yourself to go into their narrative of this is somebody else’s job, I can’t believe I have to do this or feeling guilty, you feel that way and so on. Just look okay, being with this partner means being with someone who has this chronic illness, I have to accept that my new role as partner includes these activities, I have to make my peace with that, that is not a temporary thing that is being in a partnership. So I’ve got to decide, is it worth it. And if it is, then I am signing off on it, no complaints. And make sure of course, if you’re the supporting person, that you have me time that you kind of go away and do your own thing, so you don’t feel sort of trapped by the other person’s needs. And if you’re the sick one, make sure that you access outside support and give your partner a break so that you don’t feel guilty about burdening them. And make sure you’re constantly talking about any of the issues that come up. I’ll finish by just being honest about the kinds of relationships I think, irreconcilable that I think you should just break up and move on. When the resentment has gotten so bad, that it’s now contempt that as you look down your partner, you see them as less than you inferior. The John Hopkins University has studied this in excessive detail. And they’ve said, you know, there’s this kind of four horsemen of divorce. But the main one is contempt. If you resent your partner so much that you look down on them, there’s basically no coming back from their relationships without trust leading to paranoia. If you just can’t bring yourself to let your behave, your partner behave, you know, out of sight, and trust that they’re doing the right thing. And you just nothing changes that no work you guys do, and that changes that paranoia, then you shouldn’t be together. Because it’s just going to be poison for both of you. Ironically, the more you’re paranoid about somebody doing something, the more likely they are to do it self fulfilling prophecy. It forced them into relationships without six. I don’t buy into the idea of asexuality that much. To be honest, I think there are a few people out there, but I imagine it’s less than point zero 1% of the population. I think that if you’re not having sex, as much as you’re like, technically able to I know that’s hard with kids and stuff, trust me, I know. But if there’s a reluctance of there’s plenty of opportunities to have sex and you’re not doing it. And you don’t want to change that you don’t want to work on that. Then why don’t you just downgrade to having a friendship and allow yourself to go and have sexual partnerships elsewhere, relationships with narcissists. Now the word gets way overused these days, not everyone’s a Nasus, just because they disagree with you, because they’re a bit mean to you. But someone with a narcissistic personality disorder NPD, or someone with an antisocial personality disorder, they’re basically incapable of having loving relationships, even the ones that are really self aware and going to get therapy about it, and so on, it’s still going to really struggle to be loving in any sort of genuine way. It’s like having a pet crocodile and thinking that they love you, they don’t you’re just food to them, move on find someone else. As I’ve already mentioned, significant domestic violence or drug abuse, any like really bad behavior, that might not necessarily be sort of in the relationship, but a fix it. And the person is just not showing signs of change, I don’t mean promising, they’ll change I mean, that actually improving their behavior in a measurable way, consistently over time. If nothing else, breaking up might be the catalyst that provokes them into change. But staying there hoping it will get better know, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, unless somebody makes big changes. And then she came up with people getting married too young. What I’d say is you’ve got to be sure of who you are really for commitment before you get into long term relationships. Right? People get married to young assists, probably they don’t even know who the fuck they are. When they figure it out, they go, Oh, this isn’t a partner I want or need or staying in this hometown. And doing this tiny thing isn’t the kind of life I want to lead. That’s why I really quite support the idea of winning, you know, at least until you’re in the 30s before you consider marriage and being in a long term relationship with someone for years and years before you consider getting married for at least a few years of intensely honest communication. You know, there’s no need to rush into marriage and to a commitment till you’re sure that you’ve tried everything there is you want to try and this is the best option. If you’re in a relationship that you think can be repaired and you think I can help you with that get in touch dan@brojo.org. And we’ll talk about a further so I hope their podcasts helped overall, kind of covered a bunch of different issues. It might sound even a little disjointed, because these days I create podcasts, keeping in mind I’m going to break them into separate videos for YouTube as well. So I kind of do these like sections and topics. But hopefully you got something out of it. And if you think I missed anything, get in touch and let me know. Thanks again for your support. I’ll see you next time.

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