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How to Stop Being Needy

There is only one thing stopping you from enjoying life and creating what you want: Neediness. If you chase something, it will always run away. If you try, you create failure. In this recording, we dig into the psychology of neediness and find out more of practical, realistic methods for reducing it, to give you more ideas about deep connections and to actually get what you want.


 

To replace your neediness with supreme self confidence, get in touch dan@brojo.org to talk about integrity coaching

 


   

 


Full transcript (unedited)

Alrighty, welcome back to brojo. Online once again. And today we’re just going to cut straight through the bullshit cake through to something we talk about in almost every piece of content that I’ve ever done. But we never really talked about directly like we’re going to today and that is neediness, that ugly thing that you never want to face. You don’t want to see in others, you hate to see it in yourself. We’re going to have a look at that directly today. And we’re going to have a look at most importantly, what you can do about removing it from your life as much as humanly possible. There’s nothing wrong with neediness. In fact, to think there’s something wrong with neediness is going to create most of it. But we do see that it quite clearly gets in the way of creating real connections, there’s something rather repulsive about neediness something, we feel like somebody’s gonna take something from us. So we’re gonna have a look at that today. So a lot of the examples I’ll be giving today in the context I’ll be working with will be the social world, connecting with others either as friends, potential dating partners, family, so on work colleagues, neediness shows up without other people being around, but we’re going to focus on the social world because that’s where I see the most pain in my work. But the principles we talked about apply to anything, if you’re needy about a job or money, if you’re needy about, I don’t know, whatever else people get needy about. This principles are the same. I will be stopping occasionally to have a sip of my coffee, thus and then continuing. So what is neediness? Let’s break it right down. First and foremost, my favorite definition of it is an emotional attachment to outcomes, or results. So this is where you’ve looked into the future, you can see the potential for a certain result that you either wish to happen or you hope doesn’t happen. And you become emotionally attached to that you’re feeling it before it even happens. And you’re feeling that so strongly, or you want to feel a certain way so strongly, that you become unwilling to put this potential outcome at risk. Or in the case of an outcome, you don’t want to happen to risk it actually happening. You become emotionally committed to this thing going a certain way. So we see this all the time. I mean, a great example of this as being on a date with somebody and you’re hoping to find a relationship you’ve actually become emotionally attached to being in a relationship or emotionally attached to not being single, something along those lines is happening. And when you go on the date that’s already there, you’re already hoping for something neediness is having that attachment to something that has not happened yet something you cannot possess or do not yet possess or will never possess. And you have an emotional reaction to the idea that this thing could be taken away. Which leads us to the kind of the next factor around neediness has been unwilling to lose this idea that you need this one to survive, that you are not prepared to sacrifice that you are prepared to sacrifice your integrity to obtain this win. And you’re not prepared to sacrifice the wind itself. That’s really what neediness isn’t that you decided that you need this thing, the word need being I will die without it. Now a lot of people when I when I describe the word need like that, they will backtrack and say wow, it’s not I don’t feel that strongly about it. Yet when you watch their behavior, they behave as if it’s a life or death matter. They have fight or flight response all the time and they behave according to that fight or flight response. They will lie, cheat, steal, destroy their own grandmother in order to avoid risking losing this thing and if that’s not neediness, I don’t know what is. So if all those people out there listening, we’ve all done it, haven’t we we’ve all been needy. I mean, we’re bored needy, and that was real neediness. Like you leave that baby alone it dies even if you give it food and shit, it still dies. It needs contact with other human beings that needs love and attention. And neediness as an adult is simply clinging to this isn’t it? It’s still feeling that you will not survive without certain key external things happening in your life beyond food, water and shelter. So neediness it creates this fear, doesn’t it that there’s not enough when it’s in say the dating scene is the fear that you know there’s only a certain number of men people out there who will be a good fit for you. And every one of those people you fuck it up with the number reduces, doesn’t it. So that classic word scarcity coming up near. When it comes to, you know a job, people stay in a shitty job because they get this sense that this is the last job available to them for some reason, they’ll talk about things about how the job markets really tough right now and on and on, as if this is the last shot at a financial income. And if they lose this one, they will just die, they will just become homeless and drink methylated spirits until they die. This is the kind of approach we see with this fear of scarcity. This unwilling to give up something, even if that’s something sucks, willing to be in a relationship with an abusive person willing to be in a job where your bosses down your throat the whole time and you hate the fucking work, willing to do all these things that really suck because you’re scared of the the alternative, which you believe is nothing at all, is to not even have a thing, not even a shitty thing. The idea that there is a scarcity of resources out there for humans. You know, despite the the evidence that you know, 7 billion humans can be alive at any given time. And we seem to be getting along or right at not happily. So what happens with this neediest, we have this attachment outcomes, we’re unwilling to lose those outcomes, we become afraid that those outcomes are the only ones available to us a fee than that, and a strategy forms. We go from living in a sort of freestyle values based way and integrity based way. And we start to form a strategy as to how to keep or get the thing we’re needy about. We want to avoid loss and avoid rejection, don’t we? And we form a strategy to make sure that can happen. And it could be anything from being the class clown. That’s kind of what my strategy was avoid loss and rejection by being the one who makes everyone laugh the most, therefore has value in that sense. People who hoard you know, they hoard positions, they hoard money, and I’m not just talking about documentary level hoarding. But anybody who’s unwilling to sell or part with something they haven’t used in six months, which is most people. That’s neediness isn’t it? If you’ve got something in your closet that you just can’t throw away in case you need it later. That’s neediness. Right? If you’re unwilling to splash out on a little bit of travel, because you’re saving up for their big mystical house in the future. There’s neediness, neediness, the idea is that you need the thing that you’re trying to get or that you already have in your possession. So strategy forms, I need to live a certain way, regardless of how I feel, regardless what my values really are, in order to keep this thing or get this thing. You know, this is where people can quite happily put down the honesty card and start living in a different way. Currently, they’re out on a date, and this obvious feeling of insecurity comes up and they think, well, that doesn’t fit the strategy of keeping this person in my life. You know, maybe I’ve been doing pickup for a while or something like that. And they say, Well, you got to hide all your insecurities, or otherwise they won’t be attracted to you. They think well, strategy is hide insecurities, which means when insecurities come up, you now have to be dishonest. Strategy to keep money, you know, to kiss your bosses ask so that you don’t lose your job, instead of speaking up for what you really believe in these little strategies that start to take people away from their values. This is what you start to see when Nina shows up. Now there’s a lot of people out there who don’t think of themselves as needy, and yet their life is full of strategy. Now what I’d say to that is the reason you don’t feel needy is because right now your strategy is working for you. You’re simply keeping in getting at least in your perspective, what you want to keep in get. And that’s kind of keeping the wolf at the door there. That panic of anxiety and nervousness that comes from neediness has been tipped asleep by your currently successful strategy. And that is one way to live. What we’ll be talking about today is the day that is the way to live that doesn’t require strategy. sounds impossible. But I’m living it right now. And I’m still alive. So we’ll see how we go. That is good coffee. Okay. How to know that you needy is the feelings, isn’t it? Feelings of rushing is a great example of neediness if you rush out the door to get to work and if you’re rushing to this and rushing to that feeling like you haven’t quite got everything done. There’s neediness there, panic and anxiety. Anxiety can only come when you have emotional attachment to something in the future. So the only way you can have anxiety, anxiety is based in the future. You cannot have anxiety about the present. You can’t even have anxiety about the past so you can have anxiety about what the past might mean for your future. feature, let’s just say anxiety about the future. So, anytime you experience any form of nervousness or anxiety, there is an attachment to outcomes. There is an emotional wish attached to the future. And that is the beginning. If not complete, neediness. That is the start to thinking i This thing has to happen or otherwise I’m going to suffer in some way I have to get or keep this thing. Or otherwise I’m fat. Right? That kind of thinking, frustration. When you believe yourself to have failed in some way when expectations are not met, and you feel disappointed. That’s often a sign of neediness. One way to always look at as if I had no neediness. Would I feel this way? Would I be frustrated if I didn’t have any emotional attachment any particular outcome happening? Odds are no. Now of course, you’re never going to get to the end of your life without some frustration. That’s going to happen neediness as normal. This this talk today is not about turning off neediness. But ever it’s about dealing with it when it comes up and it will continue to come up for the remainder of your life. At least I think that’s a helpful assumption to make. Because I’m yet to meet a human that doesn’t have any. Yeah, I’m yet to meet one. Maybe it’s just anecdotal evidence but hey, I’ve met over you know, who knows 10,000 20,000 people in my life. So far, all I’ve seen is neediness. eagerness, hope you’re looking forward to something is neediness. Maybe not full blown. But if that hope leads to disappointment when it doesn’t happen, you know it was neediness. If at all, you’re worried about what’s going to happen, there’s neediness there. And it’s totally okay and totally human. However, it’s going to fuck with you getting what you want. And that’s what we’re going to be talking about today. Because the real thing around neediness is mistaking what you want for being something that you need. You might need love in your life, but the mistake is thinking that it’s going to come from another person become needy about other people. When really all you want as love which is generated from inside your own body, mistaking want with need is where most of our suffering comes from, you do need water at least once every three days, you do need food at least once every three weeks. And you do need to protect yourself from exposure or you can die within three hours. That is true. You do not need a partner, you do not need money. You do not need any of those things that are outside of the basic survival requirements. So neediness is when your brain has decided that something outside of those requirements is needed for your survival. And we’re going to have a look at just dialing that back from need to want. So need is unwilling to lose complete strategy, not willing to let life decide whether or not you get the thing you want is saying that would be nice. And if it aligned with my values, it will come into my life. Those are the differences that we’re going to look and we’re going to dial back needy to want. There’s nothing wrong with desire, there’s nothing wrong with wanting something. The neediness is going to chase it away. And we’re gonna have a look at that now. So talking about how does neediness affect us in everyday life? Because it’s almost like standing with how doesn’t that affect us, I see some people whose entire lives are based on needy strategies as mine once was, and probably still has some parts of today. Sales that affect us basically, it’s about strategy. We put our values aside, and we start to focus on strategy, a set of rules, we believe we need to follow. Maybe those rules, something we call being polite. Maybe there’s rules or something we call professionalism. Maybe they call being cool or being a good person. Maybe they call Pickup Artists techniques, whatever they are. They’re strategic approaches designed to minimize losses, retain and keep wins, and overall looks like a pretty awesome person to others. And we’re willing to sacrifice our integrity to maintain a strategy that neediness neediness means that you don’t speak your mind all the time. neediness means that you will show the best self rather than the real self. And you can see there’s a lot of this in the in the self help industry. It was talking about showing your best self. And I always think well what about the rest of the ship? Your best self is a tiny slice of the pie. Your best self is 10% at most. What about all the other shit? What about the insecurities and the darkness and even just the boring bits of being a human? How can you hope to have integrity if you’re only showing the best So any strategy that’s designed on either you looking your best, or as I often see, avoid being seen at all, the wallflower kind of strategy, we just fly under the radar to avoid anything bad happening. This is all needy strategies. That’s how it affects us, we start to live by rules, rather than values. And everything becomes acquisition based, we start to base our life around accumulation of things, whether it’s positions, whether it’s social validation and approval, the number of promotions, we get the number of numbers and our bank account, we constantly future focus, we’re looking to the horizon for the next goalpost. And as soon as we get to it, we don’t even get to enjoy it, we just put another goalpost in place and we chase it. So we’re running as fast as we can to the next goal. And pretty much not able to enjoy the present in any real way. Because the present is simply what forms our strategy to get the future. And what this creates in the most needy people, but an almost anyone has what I think of as an aura of desperation. You start to emanate neediness, that starts to seep out of your paws, it becomes obvious to those who are looking. It’s not that obvious isn’t. If I just walk past you on the street, I might not see it. But it’s the air in very subtle ways around micro expression, body language, probably even pheromones. The way you feel their neediness starts to come out of you and make itself known to people. You’ll know it when you’re talking to somebody, you can feel it, you feel a pressure on your chest when they’re needy. You can feel like this, I need to get the fuck out of here feeling when you’re trapped in a corner of the party by a needy person. You can even get it just in the way they text you back. There’s something that triggers your defensiveness. neediness is surrounding you, you’ve been noticing it your whole life. And yet it can be very subtle. It says or of desperation, when somebody is living by strategy, you can feel it. You can feel when they’re not listening to you, and they’re just trying to find words of yours they can use to uphold this strategy. A girl can feel it when you’re using pickup techniques, you know, a guy can feel it when you’re pretending to be interested in him, so that he’ll be interested in you. They can feel it. What this does is it triggers other people’s security warning systems, doesn’t it? You know, at least triggers confident people. Now neediness actually attracts neediness. So when you’re being needy around other needy people, you’re bound to bring them closer into your life, which of course leaves you with that old dilemma. Why do I only attract people I don’t like or people who are toxic. Because confident people are repelled by neediness. Either they’ve dealt with themselves. And they don’t want any more of it in the life. They don’t want to risk of relapse, or they’ve never really been that needy. And they just don’t want to be around people who drain them all mixture of both. What happens is it creates defensiveness and avoidance, when you’re needy around someone, their radar goes off, doesn’t it? Now they’re another needy piece and they write out goes off with attraction. But if they’re if they’re confident or self sustained, or the kind of person who would be actually quality in your life, their responses going to be, you know, fear, basically, they’re going to feel a repulsion and they’re going to get defensive and they’re going to do whatever they can to get the fuck away from you. And you’ll see it they will leave you which of course is going to aggravate your neediness. You know what’s happening when you when you see passivity, if you’re unwilling to take risks, if you’re waiting to see what will happen if you’re trying to react to things in a way that works for you. If you even think about like this, what Mark Manson season, there’s great book models. You know, if you’re even thinking something did or didn’t work, you know neediness as their non needy people don’t give a fuck if something works or not. They’re just living by their values. That’s not even an equation part of the equation for them. The few thing that worked or that didn’t work, there’s neediness there, at least a little bit. So passivity is usually trying to avoid something not working. You know, letting things just kind of cruise without you and jumping in when you think you see an easy one. Then you go worry, if you’re worried a lot. If you worry about the future. It’s an obvious sign of neediness and it’s repulsive. Being around worrisome people is draining on the soul, isn’t it? When you’re around somebody, like just trying to have a good time and all they can think about is what might go wrong in the future. As they do you kill him a holiday he killed my boss. That’s the aggression. Quite often people try to dominate with their strategy and use a strategy that’s designed to really get get what they want. Not just ask for to hope for it, but go out and grab it off people to take it. And you get that aggression, you can feel that with a pushy salesperson, you know who just won’t let you say no, you can feel it with the person who just won’t stop texting and calling. And when you say look, I’m not interested, they get angry at you see that aggression combined with disappointment. How people get needy about something they wanted from you. And when you don’t provide that they blame you act as if you did something wrong. People whose whole lives can be set up to revolve around somebody else, and then they’ll punish that person if things don’t go well. And in particular, like us saying, like we’re Mark Manson says about something working or not working. That’s when you start to look at things as being good or bad, right or wrong failure or success. Something can only be a failure, if you’re needing something can only be bad or wrong. If you’re needy. If you’re confident, it’s just a result. It’s just a thing that happened as a result of other things that happened. It’s a matter of interest, intrigue. Like, was a Tony Robbins says there’s no such thing as failure, there’s only results. Failure is a thing you attach to what happened with your neediness, you attach neediness to something that happened. If that’s what you wanted, and you’ve got neediness, then you call it a success. And if it isn’t what you want, as you call it a failure. Either way, you’re needy. But the most important point here to look at what neediness does is all of this adds together to push away what we want. It repulses the people that we want to be with. And it quite often puts us in a position where the way we act chases off the very thing we’re trying to get. If I’m needy on a date, then a high quality person won’t call me back. So push them away. From needy for the promotion at work, I’ll irritate my boss, so who hire somebody else. This is own and on effect, every time I get needy about something, my behavior will subtly sabotage that thing. So most ironic thing I ever learned in my life, when I first started letting go of winning, when I just started, you know, going on a date without caring if it went into a relationship, I just wanted to see what happened when I applied for a promotion just because I wanted to practice courage and strength building not because I actually wanted to get the job. That’s when I started winning, which of course, then I got needy about later on. But when I was actually trying to get stuff, it was like pushing Shut up hill, you know, it was such a low success rate. So what can we do about it? Because that’s the real question here, isn’t it? Y’all know what neediness is, it’s been in your life all this time. You wonder why trying doesn’t seem to work. Any form of trying is neediness and you’re trying for something external. When you’re trying to build yourself internally that’s different. So what can we do about? Well, the key factor here is that neediness requires secrecy to survive. Because ultimately, the strategy use the neediness is a form of manipulation. Manipulation cannot survive in the light of day it’s a vampire. You cannot manipulate someone if they know you’re trying to manipulate them. That’s that’s the beauty of it. You know, it’s, if you want to make sure you’re not manipulative, all you have to do is show how manipulative you are. You have to let people see the strategy and be willing to lose what it’s trying to get you. So the key here is openness. It’s not about preventing neediness. Really, I don’t think that’s possible. Even the most confident people in the world get it occasionally, they won’t tell you about it sometimes. The very fact they don’t tell you shows that there’s neediness there, they want you to think of them in a certain way. I promise you, I’ve met some of the most confident people on the planet, I’m sure. And they’ve all revealed to me quite openly, that they still have neediness. It’s not going anywhere. But the way you react to it can change from something that repulses people to something that actually connects with them. And it’s all about openness. So that first factor instead of trying to prevent it, focus instead on how you respond to it. And the very first thing you have to do in that process is simply notice that it’s happening. So my question for you and this is going to be a different answer for everybody. But I want you to stop and think about this. And I’ll have some coffee to allow you to do that. How do you know when you’re being needy I want you to think back to the last time when you’re pretty sure you’re being needed. The last time you scared off a date. The last time you asked for something and got a big no and got a repetitive note. Last time you got desperate and worried about something and disappointed when you didn’t get it. Think back to that time. And ask yourself what were the thoughts and feelings happening at that? Time of the neediness. What were the behaviors? You know? So if I’m watching someone on a date, for example, a lot of needy behaviors I’ll see would be laughing at a joke that’s not funny. Not talking about things that might reveal painful truths about yourself. Instead keeping the conversation safe, like banter level. What else would I see? Talking up your strengths, but downplaying your weaknesses. Pretending to be more interested in someone than you actually are pretending to find the job interesting when you don’t even give a shit about it. Any form of pretense really, as needing this behavior. You know, anything where you will let your integrity you know, go to sleep for a while, in order to keep somebody else feeling a certain way. That’s neediness and an ability to lose in any way any form of behavior. You know, if you’re playing soccer, and you lose the match, and you go and challenge the score and ask the referee, I used to see the sun dancing the neediest people would go back to the judges and ask them to explain their scoring. That’s neediness. Whereas I could lose and be like, Fuck it, I lost this doesn’t actually affect my life, it gives a shit in so having a look, your thoughts and your feelings and your behaviors know when you’re needing such a look for those warning signs. Like for me, I feel a rushing sensation when I’m needy, I start to rush through things like like my task list is too big for the amount of time I have available. I know that’s neediness now. Anxiety, that’s another one. Why worry about something happening or how it’s going to happen? It doesn’t happen to me very often anymore. It used to happen all the time, literally, all day long. You know, I know that’s neediness now, and hoping for something or making plans based on something else needing to happen, like planning a picnic and hoping for sunshine. That’s neediness. The second thing once you’ve noticed that happening was to qualify it. You have to actually check in with yourself and go do I actually need this to survive right now? Will I die without this thing? To notice that something you wanted has become needing? A great example to use this as around relationships. Now you could make some argument that a human does need relationships, right? There’s somebody who’s lonely their entire life, they can survive physically, but they’re dead inside or something like that. Which of course doesn’t make sense for psychopaths. But let’s just put that so let’s let’s pretend you’re right about that. Let’s say yes, you do need a relationship or friendships or something to survive. Notice the difference between needing that as a concept and needing a specific person. So for needy about a person on a date, if I’m sacrificing my integrity to make somebody like me on a date, I’m not needy about relationships, I’m thinking about that specific person. So if I notice that I realize actually, despite the fact that I might need a relationship, even though I know I’ve been single without dying for a while now. It’s not this person I need it doesn’t have to be this one. And there can be a key element here to help you qualify neediness back to wanting, as I said, doesn’t have to be this one. Does it have to be this job that makes you income? Is that really the only job available on the planet? You know? Does it have to be this person that B is my friend? Does it even have to be this person who’s my family member? Or can I choose family members later on? This? Do I actually need it to survive? It’s an important question because you might think it’s a almost a patronizing or a stupid question to ask. And yet the way you’re behaving is as if you won’t survive without us. You know that I used to lose sleep over people who didn’t like me. As if you know, like I’m coming up to the electric tear or some shit, like I’m on death row, because if I don’t turn this person around, something bad’s gonna happen. what was gonna happen? You know, people can hate you all day long without you even noticing. There’s probably somebody hates your fucking guts right now, and doesn’t affect your day at all. You don’t need people to like you. And the third, and really probably the most important point here is to express this neediness. neediness, needs secrecy to survive. As soon as you bring it out in the open it dies. Doesn’t mean that you don’t want the thing anymore. But when you bring it out in the open, your brain is going to come to a clear conclusion. And that conclusion is you can’t get it anymore. So if I’m on a date with someone, I tell them I’m needy. I’m assuming my brain will assume that that’s the last date I’m ever going to have with that person. My brain can’t comprehend the idea that they will still want me after I express neediness and that were free myself from neediness because I’ve just made it impossible to keep them by my own calculation. Now ironically, I’m usually wrong about that as neediness that will bring us closer together. But I won’t know that at the time, I won’t feel that you will never feel like are expressing neediness is really going to help me here. And that’s the key element to it. It’s designed to not help you. It’s designed to let go of the wind, so you can get back to just living with integrity. And that’s the last point here to let go. Allow the other person to have an unmanipulated reaction to express what that neediness is, and then make room for a no make room for rejection, allow it to pass whatever, you know, handing over the torch to them and saying it’s your move and not trying to influence their reaction. It’s very hard to do, ask for the promotion, and then leave the room and let them choose whether or not they promote you. You know, tell someone I really enjoyed that date, I’d love to see you again. And then leaving a space open up for them say no, thank you. You know, that’s kind of telling them what you want. Now, when I said before I said Express neediness, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to go around saying I’m needy. That’s one way of being honest. Where you can say it’s just what you want, which is probably more honest, neediness doesn’t exist until you act on it. It says that thing floating around your head, talking about what you want is far more accurate. I want to see you again. That’s what the neediness was about wasn’t it was thinking you needed to see them again. If you just tell them, I want to see you again, all strategies are put aside. It’s like, okay, I’m just being obvious now. You know, I really want this promotion. And I’ve been thinking about it all week, I’d love to have this promotion, rather than like trying to convince them that you’re right for the job, while pretending you’re not that interested in the promotion. So don’t think you’re desperate, you know, letting go of all that strategy and just going to look, I really do want this thing. Speaking about what you want directly is probably the number one antidote to neediness, expressing what you want, making that request to the universe and being prepared to allow a space to occur. For a big fat no, as the reply. That is the cure to neediness. It is also probably the most terrifying shirt you’ll ever do. I know that I know you’re scared of doing it. We all are. But you’ll be so fucking proud of yourself up after it happens. Please look at this finish off. Let’s look at this real practically, because this is still kind of high level. And I want to have a look at what this looks like in real life. So here’s some do’s and don’ts to help you deal with neediness. Some don’ts. Don’t text twice. Don’t message a person twice in a row without allowing them a chance to respond. The only time we’ll make an exception to this as of weeks have gone by, and there’s a good chance they didn’t actually read your message for some reason. Even then, if you were important to them, they would have been paying attention looking out for their message. It’s very rarely a technical fault when somebody chooses not to reply, very rare. Same with emails or emails are more likely to go into a spam folder. So sometimes you can check in on that. But the concept of never takes twice as the idea of like, once you hit a ball over the net, it’s their turn to hit it back. A needy person will try and make them hit a bag or hit more balls over to encourage the game. And non needy person goes well, I’ve hit the ball over time to move on with my life and see what else happens. They’ll get back to me when they’re ready. This occurs as well in a conversation. Quite often people will say what I call multiple things. Here’s one thing, here’s another thing, here’s another thing trying to induce attraction in some way and the other person or non needy person goes, here’s one thing, and now it’s your turn. And I’m not gonna say shit until you’ve had that too. I’m gonna listen to you and allow your turn to influence me. I’m gonna allow you to steer this away from working out if possible. If that’s what you want. Never takes twice. never apologize for what is true about you. I don’t believe people should apologize at all. But before you able to swallow that idea, at least you can swallow the idea of something’s true about you. There’s nothing to apologize for. And in particular, true about what you want. Don’t say sorry, but I’d love to ask you out. You’re not sorry for what you want to say. I’d love to ask you out. Full stop. No apology required. They are sorry to bother you. I don’t mean to be a hassle but I’m kind of interested maybe in that sort of promotion possibly maybe. Fuck that does I want the promotion. What do I need to do? Be unapologetic about what you want, as soon as you are an apology. Make that what you want it make it true. Do you realize I do just want that and there is no apology required here. If someone thinks you should be sorry about what you want, get the fuck away from their person. Get them out of your life. As long as you’re allowing someone to say no, there’s no inconvenience and asking for what you want. You know, if they don’t want people asking them for things, they shouldn’t be involved with society, they should go live in the hills, you could help them make their decision by asking for what you want. Yeah. Never defend or explain what is true about you. This is one of the most subtle forms of neediness, it came up in the workshop on the weekend, we did the next level workshop where we looked at values. One of the particular things we looked at was shame, which is you know, hand in hand with neediness. The idea that you’re not enough as you are, which is really when neediness comes from what somebody will do, as they say, I want this because no need for that. You don’t have to explain why you want something. It’s a form of apology. Now, you can give a caveat here, it doesn’t mean you never explain anything. But when you’re explaining something as a strategy to get it, that’s neediness. When you’re trying to convince somebody that it’s right for you to want something that you’re entitled to it. That’s neediness, you’re trying to make it happen. A non needy person just says, I want this. Like if you want to know why you can ask me but I don’t need to explain why. I don’t need to justify my desires. Because I’m a fucking human, there’s no justification required. I want this thing. You know, you don’t go to somebody you know, I’d love to see you again, I thought we had a really good connection. And maybe we could, you know, find some more commonalities to say I want to see you again. Case closed your turn at the ball back, motherfucker, or don’t, I’ll catch you later. Catch you on the flipside. Jesus, we’re talking about this idea, as soon as you defend yourself or explain what you want, which is just truth about you. You’re really trying to win on cheap, which is neediness. Now, that’s what you don’t do. Here’s what you do, do. Do express that you’re willing to hear a know. Quite often somebody feels pressured when you ask for something, because they’ve been conditioned by society to feel bad for saying I don’t want something. You know. So you might ask someone out, like, I’ve had so many times faster, like a girl for a phone number. And she’s given me her actual number. But she has no interest in maintaining contact with me. She’s so socially conditioned to be compliant, that she can’t even fucking say no, she thinks she’ll hurt my feelings by saying no, she takes responsibility for my emotions. And I see this happen all the time. There are a lot of people out there who are scared to say, no, what a needy person will do is actually play on that. And needy persons quite happy with that situation. They will fuck it. He can’t say no, at least I’ve got another shot. When a confident person just goes by the way, you can say no to this. They will actually care for the person compassionately make sure they’ve got as much space as possible to be really sure before they say yes. In fact, a confident person is only interested in a hell yes. They don’t want to maybe if someone’s a maybe a confident personal say, we’ll call that a note. I’ve done that before many times coaching. You know, I’ll have an initial introductory session, I usually do this for free with people. And they’ll say at the end, well, how do you feel? Do you want to keep working together? And they’ll say, Yeah, look, I really do. It’s just I need to check with my wife about the finances. I’m just not quite sure I’m gonna have the time. And I’ll just be like, dude, let me stop you there. We’re gonna call that one and no, a big fat like, no. Because I’m only interested in working with someone who’s like, hell yeah, I’m scared that I’m ready to change. You know, and this is the same thing for you. When you’re on a date with someone you’d be like, I want to see you again. Like, yeah, okay, no, I think we can probably make a date. Maybe next week, I just gotta check my schedule. Let’s go. Well, let me stop you there. You know, I’m only interested in seeing someone who’s really interested in seeing me. And from what I hear. That doesn’t sound like real interest to me, which is okay. So if you want to say no, please just say no, you don’t need to worry about hurting my feelings. I’ll deal with it, to say what you really feel. That’s what a non needy person does. They give permission for a no reveal strategies, you’re going to use strategies without even meaning to even when you really think of yourself as non needy strategies or come up. I have no doubt that the very way I’m doing this podcast has some sort of needy strategy somewhere in there. I’m trying to avoid doing it, but maybe it’s in there. So one of the ways to look at it is to reveal it. For example, if I was to reveal the strategy from this podcast, I’d say that this is not a freestyle talk completely. I’ve made a list of bullet points to remind me of what to talk about. Now we’ll come across sound I’m doing like, I’m just talking off the top of my head. But I’m actually I’ve got a Word document open in front of me right now. And I’m reading bullet points that I pre planned, you know, 10 minutes before this podcast. So that was my strategy, it is revealed now, you know, and I’m okay with that. Revealing the strategy is can often be really connecting, you know, if you’re in a diner be like, Oh, my God, you know what, I just totally told you that story, because I knew it would make you laugh. And I guess I’m trying to make you like me, you know, that just slipped out. Like that was kind of trying to make you like me, I didn’t even mean to, you can say that. That’s what revealing a strategy looks like. You know, you can say to someone, look, I should have texted you earlier. But I left it three days, because my fucking ticket mates told me that you have to wait three days to take someone back. And now I realize, you know, that’s just one needy people do. And I just want to be honest with you, I like you, and I want to see you again, that’s revealing a strategy. Let the other person know that you slipped into manipulation a bit there. But that you’re willing to admit it, it’ll give them a sense of security that if it happens, again, you’ll admit it again, if they never have to worry about you calling them because you’ll catch yourself and you’ll let them know about it, they’ll be able to ask you about it. And it will open up an invitation for them to do the same. Do give what you want to get. This is probably my number one strategy for dealing with neediness. See, the thing about say something like love or approval is when it happens, it happens. Now, let me explain what I mean by that. If I give approval, approval is happening. If I receive approval, approval is happening. Either way works. If I give love, I will feel love. If I get love, I’ll feel love. So quite often, when we want to get something, all we need to do to get it is to give it if I give someone approval, I often give myself approval at the same time. In fact, almost always do. If I give someone love, I feel love and that love happens immediately. So we give what we want to get now somebody was a member once a guy asked me I talked about this my book, nothing to lose. He goes well, what if I want to get a hug? Does it mean to just go hug people? Like it’s pretty good question. That’s not what I mean. What I mean is there’s something under the hug, there’s a reason why you want to hug. And usually that reasons for something like approval, love attention. And that’s the thing you give, you can give it in many different forms. Like I can want someone to pay attention to me. So I’m going to give someone my attention. It doesn’t even have to be the same person. As soon as I focus on someone and listen to them and say, I want to hear what you had to say go for it. No judgement, just listening. Attention is present with us at that moment, I’ve given myself attention, like giving them attention, attention exists now. neediness goes away. So give what you want to give. And lastly, and probably most importantly for the long term, reducing neediness to its minimal levels, to just security and just safety and just survival. Create a life that doesn’t need others to approve of you. Well simply put, create a life that doesn’t need others. That’s not the same as a life that doesn’t want others. We’re not talking about psychopathic life. We’re talking about a life where you’re just a narcissist, who doesn’t give a fuck about anybody and just steamroll through life demolishing people in your path. I’m talking about somebody who wants others but doesn’t need them. They’re prepared to not have them. They’ll seek them, though, interact, live and have a little bit of needy hope that it works out. But ultimately, their life is set up so that if it doesn’t work out, they can still have a great life. This was the beginning of my whole confidence journey. Because I realized I become so needy about people that I need to figure out a way to live without them. I needed to know that I could get through the rest of my life without a single person liking me if I could achieve that. That would be self confidence. I’ve since changed a little bit, but it’s still pretty much on par. So creating a life where you don’t need other people. And a great example of this is taking yourself out. Dating Yourself going into a relationship with you can even have a sex life with you if you want. Going into a relationship with you means rather than asking someone out to dinner, is taking yourself out to dinner and occasionally inviting other people to come with you. One of Simon see, the guy is running brojo Bristol in the UK right now. He goes to castles once a week. He’s a castle fanatic. Let’s go check out new castles every Sunday. And sometimes he just goes by himself and other times he invites people along. But whether or not he goes has nothing to do with other people. He’s taking himself to go see a castle is treating himself. Treating your life like being an entrepreneur as a way to not be needy about employment, you know, you can still be an employee, but set up your own business on the side. So you never need a job, you know, so that you can always take care of yourself so that you’re resourceful. Working on living by your value so that everybody else in the world fucking hated you, you would still like you, you would take good care of you. You don’t need anyone else to do it. And on that note, I recommend this book called in an emergency by Neil Strauss talks about becoming a survivalist, which is a very extreme version of this, I suppose. And it’s more about survival rather than love and things like that. But he found and working on survival skills, like knowing how to build a fire, knowing how to pick locks and anything that might happen in a, you know, sort of apocalyptic, apocalyptic disaster. He said that, you know, that gave him a lot of confidence. And in the end, when he learned how to take care of others, didn’t feel the need for others to take care of him so much. When he became a, you know, borderline paramedic, I think he got trained to be an EMT. He can suture wounds and all that sort of stuff. So he claims, you know, that allowed him to feel a connection with other people without other people having to like them, just to know that he could take care of other people removed a lot of his neediness about being taken care of getting what you want to get. So that’s those are my thoughts on neediness, neediness is an absolute poison to enjoyment of life. If there’s too much of it, it will come up when you need it. You will feel hungry if you’re running out of food, you’ll feel thirsty if you’re running out of water will feel cold if you need more shelter. But the trouble is your brain doesn’t know when to turn that shit off. It starts needing their person to email you back and start sending their date to go well and start leaning your boss like you but you don’t need any of that shit. You can want it needing it is different. And the way to make the transition is to turn off the strategy let me know your thoughts. This is a big topic that I want to dive in deeper to over the years I want to help people really deal with this properly. Does anything you feel that’s unanswered or impractical that what I’ve just said please get in touch with me dan@brojo.org and help me develop resources to help others with neediness. And of course as always, if you really want some one to one support, if you want in three months time to be almost completely non needy. Get in touch with me for one to one coaching. And I’ll see you next time.

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