Dan’s Top Resources

Books

Dan has 3 bestselling non-fiction books available in both written and audio form:

• The Naked Truth, his latest release, shows you how radical honesty builds self-confidence and relationships
• Nothing to Lose explores how to build confidence from the inside by correcting the programming in your brain
• The Legendary Life is a very practical, action-focused guide on how to plan and execute a life plan that brings you your ideal lifestyle

Online courses

Dan continues to put out high quality online self-paced courses through the Udemy platform

• Nice Guy Recovery: how to transform from a people pleaser into a confident beast.

• Shamelessness: how to relieve yourself of the “not good enough” story
• Powerful Honesty: takes you through step-by-step development of your communication skills to be more charismatic and powerful in your honesty
• The 3X Confidence and Authenticity Masterclass program: use the famous 3X Model to build confidence in all areas of life
• Financial Freedom for Beginners: includes everything from budgeting, to getting a raise, to investing in the stock market, to starting a side-business and more
• Overcoming Your Fear of Rejection… Permanently!: covers the psychology of “rejection” and what actions to take to make yourself immune to the fear of it

Full transcription (unedited)

Cool. We’re going. Ryan, welcome along. Hopefully we have some other guys join us soon. Ryan, I think this might be your first time on the webinar, if you can check out there’s a chat option looks like a little speech bubble. You’re going to be posting comments and stuff their attention if you want to say anything. Cool. To coligny. Awesome. I’ll just mute you on talking to stop the background noise, but you can jump in, if you have any questions or anything as we go. Okay, so today, we’re going to be talking about how to know if you’re becoming more confident. And this comes from a question I got from a brojo. member. And I realized that there’s actually this is one of the most difficult things in self development, you can easily measure if you’re making more money, or if you’re losing weight, you can even measure how well you’re doing socially in certain tangible ways. But measuring Self confidence is a much trickier one. And essentially, there is no set way to measure it. It’s so subjective as a concept. But over the many years of doing this, I had to find a way. Because that what you know, it doesn’t get measured, doesn’t change. So today, we’re going to be talking about that, we’re going to be talking about what I’ve figured out in terms of how to measure yourself, and it’s more about you creating your own system of measurement than it is about following mind. I mean, I’m certainly going to give you some, some tips, and I’m going to give you my opinions on what I consider to be the kind of hallmarks of confidence, you know, the kind of milestones that you’ll pass or the achievements that will be undeniably confident to do. But ultimately, your confidence issues are yours alone, they’re unique to you, you know, my mind were around social anxiety and things like that. So there was a lot of social medium that’s required for me, I had to see myself do things socially, that I’d never done before. If yours is around money, you’re going to have to see things in your career that changes or fuses. around depression, you’re going to have to see things in your mental health, that changes and so on, everybody’s got their things in not everybody’s the same. Not everyone has the same confidence issues. But I do believe there’s some objectivity to this, you know, I look out in the world, and I get a sense of people being confident or not as a kind of black white measure. And most people are not, there’s kind of hallmarks is pieces of their behavior that I witnessed, that tells me, you know, they’ve still got a lot of work to do. And so anyway, I want, I wanted to sort of set the scene that this is mostly going to be quite opinionated on my part. Even in the field of psychology, there are not valid or reliable measures of self confidence. They’re always just self reported, it’s just does the person think that they’re confident, but maybe we can, together we can design something that actually works. So we’ll be looking, we’ll be starting by having a look at what is confidence, just a recap on it, because we have to know what it is to be able to measure it. We’ll do a little bit about why it’s important to measure it. And then we’re going to look at using the five different areas of life that we focus on and brojo as his kind of foundations to begin measuring. So you can actually split your life out into different departments, and measure how well you’re doing in each of those. But with a particular focus on the internal, because confidence is what’s happening inside you more than anything else. Then we’re going to go through a break down each of those areas, the kind of hallmarks or the milestones that you might see if you’re building confidence and things you can measure yourself against. Then we’re going to finish off having a look at some journaling questions that you can ask yourself each day to help you measure confidence. Some tests that you can put yourself through things that you’ll only be able to do if your confidence has increased. And we’ll we’ll kind of wrap it up there. So hopefully we’ll get through all of that today. So starting with what is confidence or the nature of confidence. Again, the key thing to understand is that subjective more than object of nobody else is really going to be able to tell you how confident you are. Because nobody else knows what it’s like to be inside you. They don’t know what feels like they don’t know what your principles and values are. And so they don’t know how well you’re living by them. They don’t know how assertive your decision making is they can get warning signs watching you, they can make judgments and assessments, but only you know for sure. You know, I might be able to tell when someone is lying sometimes, but only they know how truthful they’re being. Because only they know the comparison between what’s inside them, and what’s coming out. And so on. And confidence is very much like that. There are a lot of people out there who put on a great performance of looking confident, I see it all the time. But now that I know what to look for, I can see that it’s faked. That it doesn’t bristle, it doesn’t represent deep inner strength. I mean, one thing in general, I’ve found that truly confident people don’t brag or boast or perform or try to impress other people. And so the people are often pretending to be confident or doing all of those things. And it’s kind of obvious, you wouldn’t do those things if you’re really confident. So how other people perceive you is probably going to be inaccurate, they might be able to guesstimate, or someone like myself with some training and experience might be able to do a relatively accurate judgment. But even so, it’s only you who knows for sure. And that’s what I want to help you with today is to define a system that you will be able to measure yourself with and won’t involve anybody else. And it’s really important to emphasize a difference between inner confidence, what I might call true confidence, and projected outer confidence, which is often fake. So someone will often be seen as confident simply because they’re extroverted or dominant. But these could actually be the warning signs of deep insecurities. For example, particularly dominant aggressive people are usually you know, very insecure about the concept of control, they are trying to be controlling as much as possible. So that so called confidence you see in them as actually a coping mechanism for a deep end, you know, an unmoderated insecurity, they’re still deeply owned by their problems. And then there also might be the opposite, there might be someone quietly sitting in the corner, you might judge them as shy, introverted, you know, lacking in confidence in your what you’re really seeing as someone who just does not give a fuck what anyone thinks about them, and feels no need to put on a performance, which is true in the confidence, you know. So it’s important to understand that when you look out in the world, and you see everybody else, you’re not really seeing how confident they are, you might see a show that they’re putting on. But so often, that show can be the opposite of what’s true. And so you can’t really rely on other people, you, you’d be amazed once you actually start investigating how full of shit most people are, the performance they put on, you’re not because you do it yourself. Most people do. But they do it without realizing everyone else is doing it too. Now, they’ll be surrounded by a group of people and they go, Oh, my God, I’ve got to pretend to be confident because everybody else’s without realizing this. Other people are also thinking the exact same thing, and engaging in their particular performance to cope with it. There’s a kind of, there’s a range of measures of confidence. Most people rely on what I call competence, confidence, which has confidence is based on how good you are at something, or how good you are at things in general. So most people who appear to be confidence, it’s conditional, it’s conditional on them being good at something, for example, somebody might appear to be competent the workplace because they’re very experienced and very good at their job. And that’s where their confidence comes from. If you were to take them out of there and put them in a new field, where they’re the beginner and they don’t know what they’re doing, that confidence will be shattered. Or they might be a particularly good looking athletes, or they might be really socially skilled in some sort of natural way. And it’s all based on that. If you were to take that away from them, the confidence wouldn’t last. It’s conditional. So their conditional competence based confidence it’s it’s not that it’s wrong, it’s there. That’s only one aspect of it. Yes, building your skill sets, in all areas of life is critical to confidence. Part of confidence is a trust in yourself to handle things in the future. And the best way to build that trust is to constantly be learning and upskilling. It doesn’t actually even matter really what it is that you get good at as long as you’re constantly choosing new things and getting good at them. That allows you to believe look, whatever happens to me in the future. We’ll figure it out. That’s the point of that. It’s all about getting really good at one thing and just holding on to that, you know, your prize trophy, and hoping that that never gets taken away from you. Or relying on some external measure, like being loved by others, or having a lot of money. Because these are all things that can be taken away from you. But the ability to build skills, the ability to learn and adapt, that can’t be taken away from you by someone else. So understand that the competence part of confidence isn’t so much about getting good at any one thing. It’s just about the ability to learn and adapt, constantly honing that ability, resetting yourself into a beginner position and building from there, no matter what it is, what field, what area, the more diverse, the better. But that’s what I’d say is like kind of 1/3 of confidence. The next third is what I’d call self worth. And this is much more philosophical. So competence is very much practical and action based. self worth is much more internal. And it is about your perspective and your psychology. self worth is about an understanding of who you are, and what kind of labels and judgments you attach to that thing. It is much more of an academic study than anything else. But it’s about understanding the truth of the world, which is there is no such thing as objective worthiness. So self worth, kind of ironically, titled, The confident person is the one who gets to the point where they realize they don’t need to care about how much they’re worth, that they are either inherently value inherently valuable, or no one is inherently valuable. It’s one of those two things, there is no sort of range of value that’s objective. What I mean by that, as we can’t say that the homeless guy is less valuable than the president of the company, we can judge him as that, but we don’t actually know we don’t know what his contribution to the grand universe really is. And so therefore, he’s either as valuable as the president of the company, or neither of them are valuable. Either way, they end up being equals self worth is about how close your philosophy gets to the point where you stop caring about your value, and terms of other people’s opinions, and some sort of outside objective measure. And you care, you start to care a lot more about proving to yourself, that you’re valuable to yourself. And, and kind of living in a philosophical way that you’re there you take pride in. And I don’t mean that kind of arrogant pride that can be shattered. But the pride where you go, I know who I am, and what I’m supposed to be doing. And I’m doing. So we’re on track here, what we call valued living in brojo. So that’s like another third of the confidence, private competence and you got like self worth philosophy. In the remaining third is what I call emotional shamelessness. We are mammals, we are essentially emotional animals. And decision making. And such is mostly emotional, though we like to tell ourselves otherwise, the brain scans very clear, we’re emotional animals. And a great measure of confidence is basically how many of your emotions are in the ok category in your head. And for most people, it’s actually a minority. So most people think it’s okay to be happy, and they think it’s okay to be calm. And they think it’s okay to be curious, or, you know, these kind of what we call positive emotions. And then most people have a lot of the other emotions and they’re not okay category, the shame category, they might think it’s not okay to be angry, or it’s not okay to be sad, it’s not okay to be disgusted or confused or afraid, or anxious or depressed. Or whatever, you know, there’s a whole list. And your confidence can be directly correlated to how many are in that list, the more emotions you have in that list of shame, the less confident you are just kind of as simple as that. And the reason I focus in on emotions when anything else is because there is emotion behind every moment of every day, you’re always feeling something. It’s not always strong. Sometimes it’s subtle. But there’s no such thing as not feeling anything. Even apathy itself is an emotional state, and how ashamed you are of having that is a factor. So basically, if you get someone where no matter what they’re feeling, they’re okay with it. You have a confident person, especially when that transfers out as well and they’re okay with other people feeling anything. They don’t try to manage or control other people’s emotions that own people please or dominate manipulate, they let people feel whatever they’re going to feel they let themselves feel whatever they’re going to feel. They see each emotion as helpful and they put it to use, they’re going to maximize it. Even something like depression, they find a creative outlet to use that in some productive way that are trying to end an emotion to get back to the happy ones, they ride each one out as long as it lasts. So emotional shamelessness is the kind of the remaining piece of the pie in my opinion. If you can get all your emotions into the okay category, you don’t do anything to fight them. They don’t overwhelm you or cause you to excuse like poor behavior, you can still manage your behavior in a valued way, no matter what you’re feeling. Even if you’re outraged, you still still do the right thing, so to speak. Then you’ve got kind of the whole pie, their emotional shamelessness, self worth philosophy, incompetence, and the ability to trust yourself. The key thing, when we come to measuring confidence is to understand that the behavioral aspect is the most important. Don’t make the mistake of measuring how you feel. Now, I’m not contradicting what I said before about emotional shamelessness, measuring how you react to emotions as an important part of measuring confidence. But you may not feel confident all the time. But that is not actually the measure of how confident you are. Confidence is much more about the management of your behavior. So a confident person doesn’t feel good all the time. But they do manage their behavior better than most others. That’s the only real comparable measure. And still very subjective. But if for example, whenever I get sad, I become dishonest, and my value is honesty, then my dishonest behavior is the miserable because I’m ashamed of my sadness, for example, I react with a behavior that I’m not proud of, or behavior breaches my integrity, a behavior that’s designed to please other people and, you know, protect my vulnerable insecurities, as opposed to expose them and taking risks. So when it comes to when it comes to measuring your confidence, everything must be focused on what you did, and comparing what you did to certain measures and principles. And I see so many guys, so many of my clients consider themselves to be failures, because they don’t feel confident on a particular day. And they just kind of give up and I was anxious again today. So I must not be confident I give up. They’re realizing no, no, you’re on top of things. Anxiety is normal emotion to hear that’s every emotion can be had. Under the under the umbrella of confidence, a confident person can be anxious and depressed and angry and sad and happy and excited and apathetic. They can have all of those disgusted, bored, everything. It’s not about how you feel. That being said, there is what you might call a confident feeling. Which is kind of like a baseline of self worth more than anything else. It’s not so much an emotional states like a one of those clouds that pass through the sky of your mind. It’s not a temporal thing. It’s more a deeper sense of trust, it’s more like a relationship with yourself. You know, the feeling of confidence, it’s, it’s an emotion as much as it is a kind of deep seated belief system. We know, I’m the kind of person I want to be, I’m living the way I know I should be. I trust myself to handle shit in the future. I got this, I don’t want to be anybody else. I like being this person. That’s the kind of when I say feeling confident. That’s what I’m talking about. It’s deeper than emotion. It’s more like a set of beliefs of certainty around the world. Like the certainty you have in gravity, you just know it’s real. But you’re going to have a wave of like, sort of more surface level emotion happening on top of that, and it’s not measurable. effect, the more shameless you are about all those emotions, the more you’re okay with them happening, the more likely it is that you’re building inner confidence. But when it comes to measuring confidence, forget how you felt today. Because sometimes doing the right thing is going to make you feel kind of awful. It might be embarrassing to do the right thing and might make you anxious as you build up to doing the right thing. You might be confused after doing the right thing. This doesn’t mean you weren’t confident. You’re just having emotional reactions. That’s normal. That’s called being a human. So I know I’m really over emphasizing this point, but I have to do not measure how you feel or even your thoughts. Measure what you do against your principles. And this is where the subjective nature of confidence measurement comes. There’s that you have to measure your behavior against your principles, nobody else can design that system for you. Because nobody knows what your true principles or values are. And nobody knows how well your behavior aligned with them. But you do, or at least you can try to measure it. So I can’t give you my system for measuring confidence, though, I’m going to give you some examples that might relate to you. Ultimately, it has to be your system. Now, as if it wasn’t sort of obvious, the importance of measurement. Act of journaling is critical. Your self image constantly updates. So progress is impossible to measure, without taking some sort of objectivity to it. You know, if you’re trying to lose weight, and your only measurement is look in the mirror every day, unless you’re dropping many kgs per week, you’re not going to see a change. Because your brain actually kind of takes a photo of itself, you know, takes photo of you every day and updates its file on what you look like. So you’re not going to see a difference, you’re not going to have that comparison, you’ll just be constantly looking at the latest version of yourself with nothing to compare to. And that’s why if you really want to see your body change, you have to take a before and after photo, because your brain won’t be able to do that. And it’s the same with confidence, you’re not going to be able to accurately remember how confident you are because you’re going to still have problems. Even when you become more confident, you’re still going to painful emotions, when you become more confident. It’ll feel like you haven’t really changed. But your behavior will be undeniable. If three months ago, you couldn’t talk to a stranger. And then today, your biggest problem is you are only able to talk to five strangers, that’s a huge improvement. That’s a huge progress and courage. So your brain won’t remember that. If you’re not measuring it, your brain will just say, Oh, I wasn’t able to talk to five people could only talk to four, I’m such a loser. You know, because your brain is always trying to get you to go back to comfort. But if you look at the facts, you’re like, we’re actually significantly doing much better than I was three months ago, it’s undeniable doesn’t matter how I feel the proofs right there can’t deny it. Just like you can’t deny weight loss when measuring on scales or using a tape measure around your belly if the centimeters are going down. It’s working. Case closed doesn’t matter how you feel about it. You know, and that’s why you really have to quantify confidence, there has to be something that can be put into numbers, and you’ll see the numbers change, and the change in those numbers will be a somewhat accurate measure of an increase or decrease in confidence. And that’s why got a focus on behavior, because feelings and thoughts can’t really be quantified. They’re just too difficult to measure in such a way. But behavior can be, you know, when you did something, you write it down, you know how much of it you did you know how that compares to the last time we tried to do it. It’s very measurable. And so not only is confidence really about your behavior, the measurements about your behavior as well. So one of the key elements is you have to be able to translate your core values into actions, you know, and set yourself up with a baseline measurement that you’re going to compare yourself to as you move forward in the future. Just like you might take your baseline weight, you need to take your baseline confidence. And these to be based on what you can and can’t do right now. Key significant behaviors that you know, are directly related to your values. And particular you’re looking at the limits. So for example, if one of your values is courage, and your particular deepest fears around confrontations, your measurement might be, you know, how many confrontations ever had in the last week? How many confrontations have I initiated so far this year? How many times this week did somebody do something I didn’t like and I didn’t say anything. And you can actually kind of have these quantitative measures. So that three months down the path he like I confronted my boss. Well, that’s plus one, right? Or, you know, my mom’s annoying me. And I finally told her on there’s another plus one. He said, Well, that’s definitely an increase. Right? That’s the kind of measurements you need. Which means you need to know your core values, our core principles, code of honor. You need this kind of description of who you’re supposed to be, and be measuring against and who you’re supposed to be is not about what you have. It’s not about outcomes. It’s not what about it’s not about what you think or feel, but it’s about what you’re capable of doing. That’s the only measurement that matters. And when we talk about what you’re doing, the alignment of that with your core principles. So you might have a core principle of being, I don’t know, compassionate. And then you’ll say, Well, how many people did I see in pain this week? And what did I do in reaction to that? Was I compassionate in my reaction? Or did I ignore them or do something else instead, then that gives you that baseline. You know, so that’s one of the first things if you haven’t already done the brojo core values course, get onto that, so that you have something to start with in terms of a baseline measurement. Okay, remember, as I’ll keep emphasizing, it’s not about how you feel. So let’s move on to getting a bit more practical with this. Around the five areas of life, so in, in brojo, we’ve got got health and fitness, you go on welfare, Korea, whatever you want to call that. Relationships, social psychology, and what we call mission, which is kind of like purpose and meaning. And so each of these areas are kind of like the different facets of life where your confidence can be measured. In going to compartmentalize and measurement. You know, how well are you doing? According to your values? How well is your behavior, going with health and fitness to Korea, relationships, so on, compared to how you want it to be going. Remember, this isn’t about outcomes. So even if we look at health, this isn’t about how much weight you’ve lost. But how much exercise you did? Or how disciplined you were in creating nutritious meals. When you look at, say wealth in your career, it’s not about how much money you have, or how successful you are by other people’s standards. More like how bold were you to go for the promotion? Or, you know, how often are you upskilling yourself with training? Or how much work did you do this week on starting your own business on the side, and so on. So each of these sort of five areas of life, you’ll have specific things, you know, that, hey, if this thing changes, I must be getting more confident, because I’m too scared to do right now. Or I’m too fucked up to do right now. So I, you know, progress or changing behavior in that area would be undeniable improvement. And we’ll talk about these a bit more detail. One of the things I want to emphasize I did an article a while back called the rock versus the kite. And if any of you guys want to check that out, just let me know. And what I talk about in there is essentially, the rock is the thing that stays solid on the ground. And the kite is the thing that flies around changing law in the year. And the kite needs to be tied to the rock or otherwise the kite floats away. And what this means is if you’re building your confidence, it can be helpful to just choose one or two particularly weak areas in your life and focus on those, while the other ones you just kind of maintain, keep the status quo. And they’re the rock. So let’s say you’re doing all right, with your health and your career. And your reading self development books, you know, psychology is going right, but your social life sucks. Right on that case, I’ve just maintained health career in psychology. And I’ll be doing the big deliberate actions that kind of the hard work in the social area. That’s where I’ll be mostly measuring and mostly taking deliberate kind of comfort zone pushing actions. So there’ll be my kite, that I’d have this kind of rock of stability, people are trying to change everything in their life all at the same time, usually just crash and burn. It’s too much change for the brain to handle too many new neurons to be, you know, neural pathways to be built. And your desire for comfort will just become a raging torrent in your head and eventually drive you back to zero. Whereas if you’re just taking these brief, kind of kind of like vacations into discomfort and then coming back and healing in the comfortable status quo. Not only are you going to be able to sustain it for much longer. But the beautiful part about inner confidence is it doesn’t really matter where you work on it as long as you’re working on it. So it doesn’t matter which area you choose, as long as you’re regularly getting uncomfortable in that area and pushing your boundaries and living by your values very deliberately and so on. That will benefit all the areas. Like a great example of that for me was you know, I kept my career status quo while I was working on God because I am a third King my career status Korea was working on my social life. And I remember this one I’ve told the story before. It’s one weekend I went out and I went up to absolutely gorgeous girl. She was like a foot taller than me totally intimidating, and didn’t speak English. And I went and talked to her and you know, expressed attraction to her and stuff and had a great little chat with her. And afterwards I remember feeling so brave like wow, I can talk to a girl like that. Finally, The next week early that next week, I went in and I confronted my boss’s boss, a very high level person, and kind of told him off. And afterwards, I realized that going up to the girl had been such an act of courage that my baseline of courage would come up. And now I could also confront my boss, without even having to focus on my career, I’ve been able to develop a skill that was transferable is that’s the key here, it doesn’t really matter what area you focus on, as long as a it’s the weakest area, the one that’s bringing your life down the most. And B, you’re doing general confidence work in that area, you’re not just trying to get outcomes. You’re working on the deeper stuff, you work on living more by your values. So it isn’t just about like getting the girl it’s about being more courageous and honest, because they’re all apply everywhere. They’ll make everywhere easier to do that. Yeah. Cool. So let’s get into what I’ve got as kind of milestones. So that was covering the basic fundamentals of designing your own measurement, okay, you have core values, and you measure behavior against that and a key area of life you need to work on. That one’s pretty straightforward. What I want to give you now is kind of some milestones that will tell you yes, I’ve crossed the line into officially confident now. And this is very opinionated for me, because there is no really solid science behind this. But I’m somebody who’s been working in the field of confidence building for over a decade now. Do kind of know what I’m talking about, at least a little bit. Okay. So these are some of the things that I have seen either in myself or others that I believe are undeniable measures of confidence that if a person is doing this, that they are at least confident in this area of life. And if you’re doing stuff like this in all the areas of your life, then you can consider yourself a genuinely confident person, like you’re on track, and you just got to keep doing what you’re doing. Okay, guess start with health. One key measure is that you can clearly see that you’re able to do things that you once thought were impossible, and that the concept of impossibility has kind of been removed from the health area of your life. For example, you might have thought it was impossible to never eat sugar. And now you never eat sugar. You might have thought it was impossible to work out every single day. And now you work out every single day, you might have thought was impossible to run a marathon and now you’re doing competitive marathon running. This is the kind of thing when you see look, it was once upon a time where I was so lacking confidence, I couldn’t even believe that this was possible. And now you’re clearly doing it. Okay. Jade, welcome along me. So this can actually be applied to a lot of the different areas of life. But the, when it comes to health, there’s a lot of things that you will not take, you won’t take good care of your health because you label it as impossible. And if that label has since changed, because of your courageous actions, and so forth, then you you know that there has been an improvement. Sorry, I’ve been distracted there someone coming in and out. Another good measure of health is what I call the 8020 principle. And this is about nutrition. And that is 80% or more of what you eat is healthy by science scientific standards. Now one of the reasons I consider this to be a measure is because food is so often a coping mechanism for people in particular unhealthy food. So, so often people will use unhealthy food to numb their emotions and they’ll treat it like a drug. And if you’ve got that under wraps, if you are in control of that, if you’re managing your emotions in a healthier way, and you’re not using sugar, or fried food or alcohol and drugs to numb emotion, then it’s a really positive sign terms of emotional shamelessness, like we talked about before. So if you can really clearly if you’re really in control of what goes into your body, and I do not mean obsessively in control, like an anorexic or one of those like fitness psychopaths, you know just all they think about us every single calorie and so on. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about as a healthy relationship with food. We have food does not control you. It’s not used as a coping mechanism. You actually see it as the fuel that your body needs and you treat your body with respect by making sure that fuel is good. But you’re also not to see Well, that’s why I say 8020 rather than 100%. Is there do you also not so paranoid or anxious about it that you won’t allow yourself to eat anything that’s not 100% healthy. Okay, you can you can have your little treats you there’s a time and a place, you don’t do it to cope, you just do it as you know, just a little enjoyment of life, like you might go out to your favorite restaurant and you won’t worry about what’s on the menu, because it’s a special occasion that kind of thing. But the rest of the time, you’re like I need to respect my body, I need to make sure that I’ve got the best possible chances are living as long as possible and having the energy I need, treating your body like a vehicle that you care about. Another key milestone of health daily exercise. The reason I like daily exercise, in particular certain type of daily exercise, which is physical exertion. And that is exercise that hurts. I don’t mean hurts like injury, but hurts like you’ve gone beyond your comfort, you’ve gone out of your status quo, you’ve, you’ve gone to a personal best level, you can do this every day. It shows a kind of endurance and resilience of mind. It’s actually one of the one of the reason I started with the health one is because of all the areas of life to make the quickest confidence gains, I think health and fitness is it. Because not only is everything in your body affected by everything else, so your brain is affected by the health of every other organ and muscle in your body. So getting that sorted is like an immediate instant boost for your brain. But also, exercise in physical fitness is one of the quickest ways to expose yourself to physical discomfort, which is also the same thing as saying emotional discomfort. So deliberately putting yourself in a painful situation for your benefit is an undeniable marker of confidence. This is why so often people lacking confidence, you can see it in their bodies, you know, people who are lethargic, who have major weight problems, or who care too much about the way they look, this is a sign of deeper inner problems. Daily exercise as a way to not only manage the potential problems, but just shows a respect you have for yourself. And it creates that respect. And I don’t mean you like what you look at where you see in the mirror, that’s okay. But it’s more like like I’m doing something I don’t really enjoy emotionally, because it’s good for me. And that’s what confident people do. They’re not all about hedonism, they don’t have to feel good all the time, confident people about doing what’s right, not what feels good. Okay. And daily says just straight up good for you. Okay, new ticks every box. That’s one of the easiest ways to reduce the likelihood of depression, it’s one of the easiest ways to increase your energy levels and moderate your mood and so on. I do keep in mind, there are some people who are extreme with exercise, and it’s actually a sign of significant insecurities. I’ve seen that with bodybuilders sometimes, or even Ultra athletes. But most of the time someone’s taking good care of their body is building confidence. That’s only one area of life. But they combine that with other areas of life, and they’re kind of nailing the door shot. And what I’ve never really seen I’ve only seen a few times, is for someone to be very confident with a very poor maintenance of their body. As someone who’s really sort of, you know, smokes and takes drugs and drinks and as overweight and just eat fried food and doesn’t exercise very, very unlikely that person has high self confidence, very, very unlikely can happen. There are some exceptional cases, you can be weak and one of the areas of the life and still be generally high in confidence. But I just think it’s unlikely. So your body may be an accurate reflection of your mind sometimes. Another element of this is things like cold showers or ice baths, breathing exercises, meditation. And this is more about psychological health and physical but it’s health nonetheless. What kind of things do you do every day? Just to maintain it, you got to think about like, how well you take care of the vehicle that drives you. Okay, your brain in the rest of your body is a vehicle that you as a entity lives within? How well do you maintain it? How well are you taking care of all the various organs in their body in the muscles and the bones and everything else? Things like meditation, breathing exercises, cold showers, they all increase brain capacity in terms of various different things, resilience and cognitive functioning everything. Same with physical exercise and nutrition. And I’ve also found a key a key milestone really have a consistent morning routine that sets you up well for the day, I’ve found that to be really common with confident people, they start the day strong. And they start the day in a self serving way, which is nobody rushes the morning, they’ll get up at 4:30am if they have to, to make sure they don’t have a rushed morning, there’s no like eating your toast in the car on the way to work still half asleep. confident people don’t do that. By the time they get to work, they’re 100% awake. And they’re on top of things. They’ve already taken care of their mind and their body in preparation for the day. So one of the like, lowest hanging fruit when it comes to both building and measuring confidence is to create a powerful morning routine, that takes care of your mind takes care of your body has you all set up for the day? Okay. So those are some of the key milestones of health that you can use, you can sort of used to compare with how you’re treating your body and see some sort of easy wins some some quick gains that can be made there. I don’t know what’s gone off my throat today. So next one’s Korea wealth work. Some measures, one of the key ones, you’re willing to risk your job and resources to have integrity to do what’s right. I see a huge majority of people that I work with and talk to are owned by their jobs, it’s essentially it’s like slavery never ended. And I don’t mean that as bad to be an employee. Because slavery is a mindset. It’s not about the physical environment. But you get a person who’s got a job that had the job for five years, which means for the rest of their life, they didn’t have the job. And yet, they say I need this job. That’s a slavery mindset. You didn’t need it before you got it. So you don’t actually need it now. So people will actually sacrifice who they are, they will drop their integrity to protect their job to protect their income. And that is a sure hallmark of low self confidence. That means what something external owns you, and you’ve allowed it to be in control of your decision making, you’ve allowed it to make you dishonest or to disrespect yourself or to you know, be irresponsible or whatever it is that breaches your values. So there’s different ways to measure this. But one of the best ways to measure this is in confrontation and honesty. Are you willing to have confrontations in the workplace that you know, put you at risk? Or at least you think they do? You willing to tell your boss to stop talking to you like that? Or are you willing to tell the gossipy person in the office, what happened this weekend and so on. I don’t mean being reckless, necessarily. But I do mean, proof that you have a mindset look of me being myself was not right for this job, then I’ll leave this job. Rather than I need this job, I’ll sacrifice who I am to keep it. In this key ways to measure any difference in behavior that you engage in, in the workplace, it’s, you know, as different from how you are outside of work, is one of the warning things to look at, you know, it’s one of the warning signs. confident people will not let a job own them. Okay, they’re willing to walk away from anything that demands a sacrifice of their integrity. So, like I said, there’s various ways to measure there. But if you’re like, oh my god, I can’t risk it, then that’s one of your areas of weakness in terms of confidence. Another one in the career space is you constantly see yourself as a student with endless capacity for improvement, not as an expert or not, as somebody who is broken and can’t be fixed. But someone who’s constantly fluid constantly changing. This will be measured by you constantly exploring new training options, upskilling yourself reading books, doing workshops, applying for promotions, looking at whatever is going on in your current career situation, ask yourself what needs to be improved, and then working on that. And behaving with a sense of faith in yourself seems like if I just keep working on myself, things will keep getting better. And that’s a never ending thing. I just keep doing that. I’m keep improving my situation, by constantly building rebuilding, the thing that has me you know, it’s one of the it’s also one of the key fundamentals of, of wealth creation, as essentially you just make you more and more valuable as either an employee or as an entrepreneur delivering a product or service. You just keep improving you as the product. If you’ve got stale, if it’s been a year since you last deliberately initiated a new training course for yourself or put yourself through any form of education or you’ve had promotion opportunities in the past them up, because you just don’t think you’re good enough, that kind of thing. There’s some signs that you’re really lacking confidence in some key behaviors you could change to increase their confidence. Now the key milestone in the career spaces, either you’re already in your dream job, or you’re building towards it, there’s a clear plan and you’re taking action on their plan. Okay. If you’re working in a job you hate, and you are not taking any daily or weekly actions to improve that situation towards a clear goal, that’s a confidence problem, you’re stuck in the safety comfort rut, you’re taking something you hate in order to avoid change and discomfort. You don’t have to already be living the dream to be confidence mean the confidence has nothing to do with outcomes, it has nothing to do with what you have. It’s all about what you do. So somebody could be in the depths of poverty, working three separate jobs, barely getting any sleep, but they’re got a plan this building up to this other thing, which will educate them towards this other thing, and then they can finally do this other thing and they’re working on it. This is all going somewhere, there isn’t just a dream in their head to step by step plan that they’re following. They’re on a mission. That is what confident people are like, it’s not about how well they’re doing by other people’s standards. But how well they’re doing according to their own movement on their own plant. Right. Now, somebody might even have a job that is or a business that is deemed successful by others, they might be rolling in well for have some sort of high profile position, like be doctor, for example, or politician. And everybody else is saying, aren’t they doing well, but the person themselves doesn’t feel challenged, they are working towards anything. This isn’t the dream, they would quit if they got paid a million dollars. So it’s not really about anything about money. That person is not actually confident in their career. Okay, this safe, they’re kind of riding the easy way. But I did this for a lot of my life where because I have a natural academic talent, which has nothing for me to take pride in. That’s just my my family’s genetics. I coasted through university and I coasted through academic based jobs. People would look at me and think I’m doing well but I wasn’t doing well. I was coasting as not confident. comparably Raincoast they deliberately struggled against challenge they find challenges and struggle against them. And it wasn’t until I started doing that, that I actually could say I was confident in my career. The rest of the time was essentially just lucky. Another key one with Korea is how not strictly but how how consistently you live by the hell yes versus HELL NO principle. How much in your career is kind of mediocre, it’s just a half and half out, non committal, half hearted, whatever you want to call it. Because all those areas of life is where your confidence is dying. Peleus and hell no means you go all in. Like, if you’re going to go for the promotion, you make it so that they have to reject you with, you know, like, they have to forcefully reject you. If you’re gonna go for a promotion, you really work for it, you present your case, strongly you swing for the fence, you know, you go down in a blaze of glory, if you’re going to go down, not you sort of half heartedly tend to really, you know, make sure not to burn your bridges nice and safe. Not that approach. That’s what unconfident people do. You’re gonna start your own business, you start your own business, you go all in you announce to people, you’re trying your best, you’re approaching people, potential clients, you’re doing all this courageous stuff, you’re an anxious most of the time because of how scary it is. You go all in. And if the business value fails, it doesn’t mean you’re lacking confidence. The person who lacks and confidence has personally been putting off starting their business for four years because the time isn’t right, and they don’t have enough money and blah, blah, blah, right. So a really key major conference people, once they decide they want to do something, they just they dive into it, you know, full body and I don’t mean reckless, they might have a plan, and they have some you know, backup plans for when it goes wrong, or if it goes wrong, but they’re not really prepared for it to go wrong. But treating it as if this is the last attempt, you know, they’re gonna go all in or die. So one of the most confident things I ever did with my life was when I started my coaching business. I said to myself, I’m going to make it work, I’m going to die trying. Those are my two options. And then there’s such a sense of power and me and making that the agreement. That’s the commitment. Not like I’ll give it a go and you know if it works out I’ll keep doing it. If not, I’ll just get back to my old shit. You know, I did sort of when I first looked at coaching, I started like that, like, Oh, give it five years, we’ll see how it’s going. But by the time I went all in, I was like, Yep, it’s this or death, death or glory. Another key measurement, especially around wealth is that you no longer fear poverty. You know, a lot of people, when they have the not good enough story in the here, they they’re scared to apply for the great job or the promotion or to start their own business. It’s because they have this fear that they’re going to end up homeless, you know, or that they won’t go out to eat or pay their rent. And that fear is absolutely crippling. It’s like dragging a ball and chain, they can’t do any risk taking because of that crippling fear. And a key, a key measure of confidence is where you’re so capable of solving problems in your career, that you’ve put yourself through so many risks and come out the other side and solve the problems that those risks created. That you know that poverty is just never going to happen for you. Because you’ll figure it out. And that can only be done by proving things to yourself with behavior. You know, I, I used to have the fear that I might end up homeless. And I have even been borderline homeless couple of times, it was a few weeks where I lived in a car. But that wasn’t a bit. But the point being is, I’m now at a point now where I’m like, if I wake up tomorrow, and I’m unable to coach, I’ll figure it out. I’ll do something else. I’ll go learn skills I need to learn, I’ll borrow what I need to borrow, I’ll do whatever it takes to solve it. Because I’ve had to solve problems like that so often. You know, they feel like I can’t take any risk. Because what if I can’t feed my kids? Or you know, what if I end up on the streets, it’s it’s not that that’s not a real risk. It’s the problem is you’re scared of it. You’re so scared of it, you can’t move you can’t get out of your rut. And so putting yourself through various career building activities, making yourself solve problems, making yourself take risks, and deal with the consequences of those risks, will build up a sense of adaptability, you’ll be like I can evolve through any challenge. And there’s really like one of the best definitions of confidence as you know, you’ll handle shit. Suppose. So those are some of the key milestones with Korea. Welcome along to Iran is joined the call, but later on. Feel free to comment below or send questions. And at this point, we’re just looking at various areas of life and the milestones you can use to measure your confidence. Next one is social relationships in the social sphere. Social is a big one, I mean, I’d say most people’s real confidence problems relate directly to how they’re perceived by other people. You know, nearly everyone I know has confidence issues, their biggest fear is being judged in negative ways by others, and the consequences of those judgments. So ultimately, if you’re not really sure where to work on your confidence, work on it in the social sphere. Because if you can become if you can get to the point where you do not need anyone else to approve or validate you or love you, even if you can survive without that, and you love yourself enough that they don’t have to do it for you. I mean, essentially, that is most, if not all of confidence, you know, now there are some people who can do that. But they’re still not confident there are people who hate other humans, but they still have many other problems. So it’s not a guaranteed thing. But ultimately, you’ll find your confidence issues surface the strongest and the face of what other people think of you. So key measure is when you care more about your opinion of yourself than others. You know, then what others think it’s a milestone that I think you should look at it as like Mount Everest, and that’s putting a flag on the top. How do you get to the point where your opinion of yourself is more important to you than anybody else’s? Not your partner’s not the authority figures, not celebrities or girls, you like nothing? Nobody’s opinion of you is more important to you than your opinion of yourself. And this isn’t about arrogance. We like I love myself, no matter what anybody else thinks it’s more of an opinion based in the measurements we’re talking about where you’ve earned self respect. Okay. And this is actually the major this is actually the process to build that. If you are deliberately taking actions every day, with the sole purpose of building respect for yourself. Eventually, you’ll feel that kind of the level of importance you attach to other people’s opinions diminish. You know, if somebody says, Oh, you’re doing that wrong, you’re like, actually, I’ve already measured this today. And I’m doing the right you can understand you don’t know what I’m doing, but trust me, I’m doing this Right, so he can keep that to yourself. I’ve already got this, you know, and most people do the opposite. They’re constantly trying to seek positive opinions from other people. And that is the worst loop to get into, because then you’re basically going up to other people go here, have my confidence, do whatever you want with it. That’s totally, totally leaving your confidence up to the fate, the whims of preferences of other people. It’s like basing your confidence on the weather, like, if it’s sunny, I’m a good person, if it’s rains, I suck. I mean, you’re completely powerless in that situation. Krishna asks, How do you contrast in your opinion of yourself as feedback received from other people? Key elements of this did you seek out that feedback, as as feedback coming from an expert person that you’ve chosen deliberately to give you a outside perspective on a key area that you’re working on? Because that’s different to other people just giving you bullshit. One of the worst things to measure in terms of your confidence would be unsolicited feedback from other people. So if someone tells you what they think of you, and you didn’t ask, that is the least relevant piece of information you could ever use to measure yourself? Because that person isn’t doing that for you. They’ve got an agenda. Now somebody wants to give you feedback to help you will ask permission, they’ll say, look, I can see something I think you’re doing wrong. Do you want me to talk tell you about it. And they will respect the No, because they’re not trying to control you to try and help. For anyone who doesn’t give you the option of saying no, is not trying to help you. They’re trying to control you. When it comes to seeking feedback from others, make sure it’s very specific. And it isn’t generalized. So for example, if I’m trying to build my coaching business, I might go to a business mentor, and say, This is my business plan. What are your thoughts? Because your business runs away? I want my business to run. I don’t want opinions on anything else about myself, just your expert opinion on this business plan. That’s feedback. Where am I go to a dance instructor? Look, I’m struggling to keep in time, there’s something wrong with my steps. Can you tell me what it is? Tell me how good I am as a person or how well I should run my business or how healthy I am just my dance steps. That’s feedback. Then somebody goes, oh, you know, you should, you should try and do this. And you should do less of that. And you didn’t ask, and then I’m an expert, they you sought the opinion of or paid for the opinion of, because of their expertise in a must be dismissed. Because this is one of the key elements I learned and building my social confidence. Other people’s feedback on you is not about you. It’s not about them. What they’re really saying is, I’d like to control you, because that makes me feel better about myself. And that’s all they’re ever saying. Even though they say like, Oh, you’re too fat, or you need to talk louder. What they’re really saying is I’m trying to control you because that makes me feel better about myself. That’s the only thing that ever say. So dismiss. It’s not whatever measurement system you design, a cannot incorporate the unsolicited opinions of other people that can incorporate very specific expert feedback that you deliberately sought out. In fact, it probably, you know, your shouldn’t be your measurement of confidence. But it can be something that guides you, when you come to measuring your own self worth that should never include even expert feedback. These were feedback and just guide you and hone you in your actions. So I’m I get expert feedback on, you know, I’m going up, I’m talking to new people, but they always seem to be kind of repelled by me. Can you watch me do it and give me some feedback. But their feedback won’t be like, Oh, okay, well, they said I’m doing wrong. So I’m a bad person. If he beggars only just to help me adjust my behavior. When I go home and journal. I don’t say anything about what they say about my behavior. I just say what I did, and how well they aligned with my values. So hope that answers the question. But this is a key question. Because if you’re if your confidence measurement system, is that all reliant on the opinions of others, it’s completely flawed. The mouths will rely on the weather. That’s our like, that’s how subjective and biased and irrelevant that is. Okay? Just always keep that key thing in mind when someone gives you feedback. Did I ask them? And if the answer is no, then why the fuck are they doing? It can’t be because my beloved cuz I didn’t ask. Cool. Okay, cool. The next one I’ve got is similar to the career where you’re willing to lose your job to maintain your integrity. In the social sphere, you’re willing to lose friends to maintain your integrity. You might even be in fact the highest level of confidence you even willing to lose family Aetna, that integrity is always top of the priority pyramid. Everybody else has to get in line with that they have to be cool with it. Well, they’re not allowed in to your little garden, you know. And this is, I think one of the most undeniable measures, will you be honest enough to lose a friend? Will you be honest enough so that that your date doesn’t like you anymore, even though you could easily say the thing that she would like, and so on. If you get to the point where you’re actually going to miss out on outcomes, and instant gratification in order to have integrity, then you know, your your personal confidence, at least in that moment. Because that’s really one of the key undeniable, general measures of confidence as a person prioritizes their integrity, them living by their values takes the top spot. And they don’t sacrifice that for anyone, not even their family and loved ones, because they know deep down that even their children would benefit more from them having integrity than then being self sacrificing. One of the biggest mistakes I think I see parents make is they think it’s good to sacrifice themselves for their children, and they miss, they kind of misinterpret what sacrifice means they think it means you actually give up on what’s right for you. But no, sacrificing a bit of time or changing the way you manage your day, of course is necessary for parenting. But being dishonest with your kids. neglecting your body is really poor role modeling, if nothing else, and it means a list of you as now the parent, they’re getting parented by somebody who’s weak and tired, and you think that’s good for them would be better, maybe you let them kind of have to wait an extra half an hour while you do your workout. And then they get a healthy fit parent. So that’s really, I think, the measure of confidence socially as ultimately, you being you living by your values, takes precedent over anybody else’s feelings or desires. There may be minor times where you choose to make exceptions. And that doesn’t mean you’ve suddenly lost your confidence. But generally, I found people low confidence, they put other people’s feelings and opinions well above integrity, and they’re willing to sacrifice integrity to get positive reactions. Now the key measurement in the social world is that you hold your relationships and friends to high standards, anybody’s a negative influence on you, who’s manipulative towards us, discouraging our view, gets cut ruthlessly. You know, you don’t tolerate that kind of shit, more than once, you know, somebody gets the first warning that I get a second warning. And you’ll find the view if you research most confident people in the world, they have no time for for people who are going to drag them down. It doesn’t mean they’re not compassionate, like have a friends going through depression, they’re not going to be like, Well, fine, you’re out. It’s about the treatment, if they’re depressed friend has always been good to them, and has helped them then of course, they’ll stick they’ll stick with them to the death. But if somebody is trying to hold you back, if somebody is, predicts their insecurities on you, and tries to use you, or tries to control you in a way that makes them feel good about themselves, ruthlessly cut them out, you know, a confident person who is willing to be all alone rather than surrounded by negative influences. They understand that being surrounded by you know, people who are bad for you is the same as eating bad food as the same as working a shed job, it just destroys you. And they will whole whole different so high standard, not an impossibly high standard, not the kind of high standard, there are people who are afraid of intimacy use, you know, to make sure nobody can get close, for standards around integrity, you know, as this person as honest with me as they can be, do they respect me? Are they encouraging and compassionate? Is this relationship balanced and equal? Isn’t fear? These are the kind of questions a confident person ask themselves about their friends and family. And if someone fails their significant way, they cut, right? It’s about self respect. Another key milestone more of an internal one funny thing is that you consider yourself worthy to be anyone’s partner. You know, you stop using words like out of my league. And this is more of a measurement. It’s not something you can create, but it’s something that you’ll just come to realize, as you build confidence one day, you’ll be so stoked with the way you’re living your life. You’re so so strong in your values and your integrity and self discipline and you just watch yourself living in like, I fuckin like who I am on top of it. And there’s immediate realization will occur to you like, you know what, I mean, I’m a catch for anybody. It’s not an arrogant thing. Not like I’m better than others. It’s not about other people. It’s just like, I’d be an awesome partner. I’d recommend me to my friends, you know I hope who my little sister find someone like me, if I have a daughter, I hope she ends up with someone like me. It’s that kind of sense where like, I am so sure of my integrity and my, my intentions, and my discipline of behavior and, you know, personally makes the most of his life. And I’m sure of that I’ve proven it to myself. So of course, I’d be a great partner, you know. So it’s not about a better or worse, you’re not saying I’m a better partner than that guy would be. If you’re thinking like that, then you still have confidence problems, because competent people don’t compare themselves to others. If you look in yourself, and you’re yet that is worth being worth, definitely, I would, you know, that can be a measure of confidence as well. Another one is that criticism and hate and you know, that unsolicited feedback, have no real lasting effect on you. I found even the most confident people can feel the first punch a little bit, you know, unless you’re someone like, I don’t know, Jordan Peterson who’s exposed to so often they’re just numb to it. You know, most people when they get like an unexpected, but a hate they go, Oh, ouch. The fuck. And that’s, that’s completely normal. But someone with confidence problems, will we still thinking about it three weeks later, and they’ll have changed their behavior to try and avoid a happening again, or they’ll become obsessed with it, and try to fix it in some way. Whereas the confident person will just go, oh, I accidentally got into somebody else’s orbit a little bit there, and there will be a dark place. And I Okay, I’m out of that place. Now. There’s no taking it personally. You know, this is why I’m still working on myself a little bit because I’m finally in a position with my business where I get more hatred more frequently from random strangers. And sometimes it’s just like our the fact that you say, then I start like engaging with the person. And, you know, I’m not trying to fix it. I’m just trying to understand it. The examiners, I had to catch myself and go, You know what, this is not a good use of my time. There’s no point trying to change someone else’s mind. They’re, they’re like what I’m saying all the time. I’ll leave them to make their decision by themselves, I’m not going to get pulled into their world of negativity. So I just pull myself out and go spend time with people who are like that. I think the number one measure of social confidence, you hide nothing, complete shamelessness. Now, I’m not sure if someone can even get to 100% I’ve met a few people, I’m thankful. Like, I really don’t think they hiding anything. They’re so honest, it just blows my mind. They say things we like yet, there’s no reason they didn’t have to say that there was a deep vulnerable secret. Nobody prompted them to tell it, they told it anyway, just to be honest. You know, there are some people like that. And that’s ultimately the sign of somebody who really doesn’t give a fuck what other people think of them. And I don’t mean that they don’t care what other people are thinking. It’s just that other people’s opinions are allowed to be negative, they’ll let people hate them, they’ll lose friends if they have to. Because honestly, the right there, the top spot, they’re more focused on being honest, much more than on being liked. And they actually use honesty, as I’ve started to do over the last couple of years. They use it like a weapon. Like I’m going to use honesty to blast away people. You know, as I say, before, push them away with honesty. I say honest things about myself as often as I possibly can to make sure that if someone’s a bad fit for me, I get rid of the real quick. And if someone’s a good fit for me, I’m kind of like sealing up a FLIR saying, Here I am. And they can find me very easily. But if you hold things back, if you hide how you’re thinking, what you’re thinking, how you’re feeling, what what’s happened in your past what you want in the future, if you hide any of that sort of stuff, to moderate someone else’s emotion. In other words, to make them like you more or make them not hate you, then you’ve still got work to do. Cool. Next one psychology says these are some of the hallmarks I think, of a person who’s confident how they manage their psychology. One is comfort is boring. People are confident problems thrive on comfort, they’re always looking to get to a problem free space, they’re constantly trying to avoid discomfort. They create a whole life that prevents it by having a stable easy job and a boring yet predictable relationship and they don’t get out of their comfort zone. They don’t travel much so on and so on. You know, but somebody is psychologically confidence knows that the comfort zone is just a rest area. You don’t stay there very long. You stay there long enough to heal from whatever your last exertion was. And then you quickly go to the next discomfort. You know, conflict, people thrive and discomfort. They like the thrill of newness. They like the challenge of something more difficult than they’ve ever dealt with before. They get bored when they don’t have that kind of stuff. So again, this is just a kind of a milestone, if you find like, come on, where’s the next challenge was an excellent that scares me, you’re getting into that state, then you’re entering the realms of confidence. Now the key one is that you no longer rush. This is a new realization for me. But when I sort of reviewed and looked backwards, I saw how common it was. Which is that people with confidence problems tend to rush. Well, they allow themselves to be rushed. And rushing is a state of mind. I mean, it can be like, very quick behavior, but mostly it’s a feeling of being behind or that there’s not enough time to do stuff or whatever, that you must speed up, or that you must multitask or whatever, trying to squeeze everything in, people rush with the way they talk, they talk so fast, because they’re scared someone’s gonna interrupt them. Or they rushed in the morning, you know, they they pile all the tasks on top of each other. Or they’re just generally in a kind of quick state. Conflict, people take their time. There’s no way to be here and now is all there is to classic part of their philosophy, they understand that prisons is everything, the past and the future, just illusions what’s happening right here now is all that’s real. So there’s no rush to get anywhere. Because you’re only ever going to be here. Doesn’t matter how fast you go, you’re always in the prison. And comfortably, you understand that. So they can chill. It doesn’t mean that they don’t do anything, it just means that they don’t rush when they do it. There’s no sense of being behind, I know that I’m having confidence problems when I start getting stressed about being behind, as if there’s some place I’m trying to get to, and I’m kind of running late, that’s not a sign that I’m actually running late, it’s a sign that I’m having confidence issues. You know. So keep that in mind. If you rush in the morning, one of the quickest ones you can do is just slow down. Treat it like this your last day alive, you don’t know where to be, take as much time as you want. If you’re late, it’s just a problem to deal with. You know. Another key one was psychology is that being scared of something challenges you it’s like, you’re either excited or frustrated by fear. Rather than running away from it, you’re like, you want to get it sorted. You want to face your fears, you’re looking for the opportunity to win, you see the opportunity, your your impulses to go towards it rather than away from it. I think one of the simplest recipes for building confidence is to try and overcome every fear you have. Now, you’ll never get to the end of their list. But the actions you have to take to do that, to face all those fears, will build a resilience in you. You notice the kind of people who do like social pranks and stuff, the first couple of years on YouTube, they’re all kind of excitable and attention seeking and approval seeking. But after after a while they tend to mellow out and they become truly confident as because I’ve been through so many uncomfortable situations, that nothing really, nothing really frightens them anymore. They still have fears, but they’ve developed a pattern of quickly overcoming any fear that arises or facing it. And that’s what confident people do psychology, fear is just an invitation to try something new. You know, and they actually develop a greater fear, which is the fear of not changing the fear of staying the same of living in comfort, they develop that. And that’s what I think is more what I’d call like a real fear something to properly you shouldn’t be afraid of all the other stuff that you’re afraid of is actually good for you most of the time. Now, the key aspect of psychology is you take responsibility for everything. No complaints, no blame, no whining. It’s nobody else’s fault ever. No matter what happened to you, you understand what was your reaction to it that caused your suffering? You could be you could have grown up with the worst childhood ever. Doesn’t matter how you react to it, as well as all that matters. Right? Yes, some people had some advantages over you fucking lucky them doesn’t matter. What matters is what you do about it. And that’s really responsibility is huge. In fact, I don’t think you can be confident without first taking responsibility. I think that’s a make or break, you’ll never find a confident victim. Never. It’s kind of the opposite ends of the spectrum, like confidence in responsibility on one end, and victim and blame on the other. So as a victim looks for why did this happen to me? How is this unfair? responsible person goes okay, this happened. So what am I going to do about it? How do I turn this to my advantage? How do I make sure that I’m glad that this happened? You know, something awful happened to us immediately. You know, you have your first reaction which is always pain and stuff that’s normal. then your second reaction to when we go, okay? How do I spend this my way? How do I make sure that I’m a better person? Because Because of this, how do I become anti fragile, where every time someone tries to hurt me, I become stronger. Every time something goes wrong, I become stronger. Because come from people thrive with with upsets. You know, every time something goes wrong for a confident person, it’s an opportunity for them to get even more confident. And that’s how they see it. Once they get over their initial reaction, you know, but if you’re like I, you know, it’s unfair on me, everybody else has advantages. I can’t do it because of this, this and this. And it’s because my childhood and my psychology and where I grew up, and I don’t have money and guy next to me, he’s prettier than me. So that’s why he has all the above. If you like that, then you’re in the victim mindset, ultimately come from person kind of hopes that they get disadvantaged, because then they’re going to have more opportunity to be stronger. You look at someone like David Goggins, he’s glad that he suffered. Because if he didn’t, he’d be a weak person. You know, he understands that suffering is an opportunity that people will have an easy often enough fragile and brittle, just like spoiled children are often unable to take care of themselves as adults. Man I’ve already mentioned before, but a key aspect of psychology is read all your emotions as equals, doesn’t matter how you feel, it’s how you’re going to feel right now you don’t try to change it, you just use it. You know, use it as prompt if you’re frustrated, you know that that means you need to solve a problem. If you’re depressed, it means you need to be creative, artistically and express yourself. If you’re anxious, it means you need to go and overcome a fear of happy it means you need to share it with somebody. Every emotion is seen as important and relevant and helpful. There’s no need to rush through it to get to another emotion. There’s no emotions that need to be fixed. But you also know that there’s good and bad ways to react to emotions. You know, you can react to anger with violence, or you can react anger with problem solving, courage, passion. So lots of different ways you can react anger, some of them are unhelpful, but some of them are helpful and your values will guide you on that. But trying to get away from anger, is pointlessly saying that anger is bad or wrong. Anger is not bad or wrong. It’s just a feeling to use it feeling how you use it feel. confident people don’t try to pretend to be happy all the time and try to squash their emotions. That’s a key warning sign, especially with public figures, get these gurus that either directly or indirectly make the claim that they feel good all the time, that they never are stressed or problems. They’re fucking lying. They’re lying. There’s no way they have a human brain without problems. It’s just you do even the most basic study of neuroscience, you’ll see that you cannot have a human brain and not struggle. It’s not possible the human brain is constantly dissatisfied, constantly looking for problems, that that’s not fixable. Okay. So a competent person isn’t someone who doesn’t have problems or emotional struggles at someone who embraces them. Right? So anybody who’s pretending that they don’t have struggles, you can be sure the one thing they don’t have this confidence, because they’re pretending. Now, the key milestone was psychology again, it’s one more that you just have to wait to get to rather than create, but the belief that nothing’s really impossible, that if another human can do it, so can you might not be able to do it the exact same way, and might be harder for you than it was for them. So on, but not impossible. You know, if someone could climb Mount Everest, so could you someone could start their own business? So could you someone can go up to a complete stranger and start a conversation. So could you it’s that kind of belief. Now you might go, Okay, I don’t know how to do it yet. But it must be able to be done because I just saw somebody else do it. So there must be a way. Right. Quite often, you know, unconfident people to look at someone who’s very successful by their standards and think that they’re looking like like another species. You know, my look at someone like, I don’t know, Eminem, anything like that level of success? I mean, how many lifetimes would I need to do there? That’s, you know, that’s impossible. He’s like, I couldn’t even talk to him. He’s not even human. It’s kind of that kind of perspective, whereas conferences and guys, he must have followed a process on what their processes you know. So okay, so what did he do? Okay, he got really good at a particular art skill, I could do that. He marketed himself well, I could learn how to do that. He made connections with people on the industry, I could do that. And they realize they just anybody that looks impossibly successful is just the process that you don’t know yet and one that you could learn and apply in your own way. unconference people look at someone who’s got what they want, and just go, Oh, my God, they must have an advantage. There’s no point of me even investigating that. The final point I’ve got on the psychology is that you’re always a beginner. People who pretend to be confident often like to imply that they’re expert that there’s no further learning required. But truly confident people are humble students, they know that they are always learning. In fact, they deliberately make sure that they’re always learning if you watch Impact Theory on YouTube. With Tom, Billy, you can come in at pronounce his name. He always he interviews a lot of very genuinely confident people. And they’ve never stopped. You know, they’re like, at the very peak of success, they could easily just sit back and crew service their life, but they don’t. And the last guy saw him interview is the guy who bought David Goggins into the public limelight. And yeah, this is a guy he owned, like four multi million dollar businesses he had conquered like every world. And then he hired a Navy SEAL to come and train him, because he didn’t feel like it really had his physical peak yet. I mean, he didn’t need to do that. He got to just cruise he was already revered by everybody knew him as a super successful person. But that didn’t matter to him. What mattered is like, what’s the next thing I can learn? How do I get even better? You know, and that’s how confident people think. They’re always like, I’m never finished, there is no finish line. I’m just constantly improving because every improvement and increase my confidence and my quality of life, and there’s no end to that increase, why would I stop. So that’s psychology and brings us to the last and final one. What we embroider called mission. So maybe I should explain this area, this, this area is kind of like your reason for living the meaning of life. We think it’s one of the most important areas to work on. But also, it’s kind of the final frontier, you’ve got to get the rest of your shit sorted. Before this one’s going to be really doable for you, we think. So there’s no point in working on your major mission in life. If you’re severely unhealthy, like get your health sorted, first, get a at least some sort of stable job going, some basic social skills, some basic psychology, and then you start to work on your mission and your meaning in life. Though, I suppose it’s possible to do it the other way around, which is have a mission so strong that it compels you to work on the other areas as well. But we found that people who are trying to work on a mission with severe deficits in those other areas of life are usually brought down by those areas. So somebody’s trying to like start their own, you know, mission based business, but they have like, crippling income problems, and crippling, like health issues, and no social skills. I mean, they’re just gonna, their business is gonna fall, you know, they need to get the fundamentals that’s like we talked about brochures, like a pyramid, you got to build layers of the hierarchy of needs. For the mission of life, as we go from just enjoying life to actually feeling like holy shit, there’s a reason for being here. Like, I’m on a mission. And that’s one of the most compelling and just rewarding ways to live, I’ve found. So here’s some of the key milestones that you’re on a mission. And that’s building your confidence. One is that basically nothing in your life is done without purpose, done without any consideration of your integrity. Like, if you’re only staying in your shit job, for the money, then you’re lacking purpose. But if you’re staying in a shit job, because you’re building capital to start your own business, which is going to change the world that’s different. You’re doing something with a purpose there. Okay? You choose nothing based solely on fear and comfort when you’re living by your mission, everything serves the grand purpose. I got this great thing from Game of Thrones, actually, from the bad guy, Peter Baelish. And then movie is talking about, it has been quite candid about his ambition to get onto the throne. And somebody was asking him about his kind of plan to do it. And he says, basically, whenever I think he was talking about people, so it says, Whenever I’m talking to someone, I asked does this, you know, is this person going to help me get there or not? If they are, I’ll work with them. And if not, I don’t it’s very basic principle that can be applied in a much healthier way, I think, which is you look at whatever you’re doing, and you guys it’s helping my mission or not. And if it’s not, you stop that. We find a way to make it help your mission, that everything has to serve the mission like every webinar, I do. So is my mission to increase the level of confidence in the world. You know, every email I write is somehow in service their mission. But it’s also about doing things purposefully. So if you just do the dishes like half hearted because they got to be done, that’s done without purpose. But if you’re like, Okay, time to do the dishes, I’m going to get this area clean, so that I’m in control of, you know, my personal space, and I feel maintained and I’ve got minimalism is this idea, like clean the dishes is so much more than just washing up? It’s actually about managing my life properly. Like, I have to do it. So I’m going to do it well. And that’s a key thing with people who are purposeful, is if there’s anything they’re forced to do, you know, they’re, they’re kind of their values, compel them to do it, and they do it. Well, they go all in on it. You know, if you have to do your shit job to provide food for your kids, then really do your job, be the best employee. You know, if you’re working in McDonald’s, you know, make the best burgers that McDonald’s has ever fuckin served. Like people surprised where they go, Holy shit, this actually came from McDonald’s, it looks like the one on the end. This is amazing. Rather than just like, fuckin there’s at four o’clock, Jesus Christ, come on, let’s get through this. You know, really throw yourself into it. That’s what people on a mission? Do. They all end or nothing at all. You know, you’re on a mission, when you’ve got a clear answer to the question, Why am I here? Okay. And I don’t necessarily mean like the spiritual answer, like, where did I come from? But what am I doing with my time? Okay, so why am I here? Like, what is the purpose I serve. And it doesn’t matter where you got that from external influence. For example, if you’re religious and you believe you’re serving God’s will fine. Or whether it’s self designed, like my one is I’ve decided I’m going to as much as a drop of drop of water in the ocean, I’m going to try and increase the level of self confidence people around the world because I think all of human problems come down to confidence issues. So more of those that I solved the more general human problems, that’s all. I’ve given myself that mission. That’s my answer to why am I here? I’ve decided on the answer. I’m not waiting for someone else to tell me what it is I chose. And that’s, that’s unless you choose an answer, you can actually change it over time. But you should always have at least one. Even if your answer right now as to my purpose in life is to lose 10 kgs, Fine, let’s start with that. Right? Then dedicate yourself to their mission and their mission gets accomplished, then maybe set the sights a little higher next time. Another key element to mission is, you know which side you’re on, and all the major conflicts. You’re not blase about anything that’s important to you. You know, what you stand for, you have principles, you know, what’s right and wrong by your own measurement, if you’re not very clear on your values, and have translated them into real life, you know, you know of like, if someone comes in lies to you, you know, whether it was right or wrong by your standards. You know, some, this is very much opinionated on my part here. Some philosophers and students of philosophy believe that, you know, there’s kind of moral relativism, relativism, which is like the most enlightened state you can be and believe that there is no right or wrong, I don’t buy that. Personally, I think there’s a cop out. Way to avoid confrontation. I think more than a confident person knows what they’re willing to die for. They don’t pretend that things aren’t right or wrong by their standards. They’re open to learning and being corrected, of course, but what they currently stand on, they’ll go to bat for it. You know, if I see someone bullying someone on the street, I’m not just going to be like, Oh, well, you know, philosophy, it’s a way of the world, I’m going to go, Hey, stop doing that. You know, because it’s, I know where I stand on that particular issue. I know that that is something that causes harm. And I want to be a force for good against the harm in the world, right. So it doesn’t actually matter that anybody else agrees with you, you might stand on the opposite side to me, on all these conflicts, as long as you stand strong, then you’re confident. I’d also say that picking your side is based on reason why you don’t pick your side, just because you want to fit in with your end group. You don’t pick a side just because you want to be noticed. You pick a side because you’ve carefully analyzed both sides of the argument and in clearly see one is more solid than the other and more aligned to your own values. Which I mean, brings us to the to the the key one with a mission as you can clearly describe what integrity means for you. You have a blueprint in your head of how you’re supposed to live and you can easily measure your behavior against it. I just I know when I’m living by my values, and when I’m not now I don’t always do it. So there’s still higher levels of confidence for me to get to there always will be. But I have no doubt about what I’m supposed to do. Right? I know that if I masturbate to porn, I breach my values. I know that if I lie to someone I breached my values. I know that if I take the easy way out have something that’s scary that I breached my values. I also know that when I do those things that I’ve succeeded, there’s almost no situation left where I’m like, I’m not sure what the right thing to do is here, those situations do come up. But then of course, what I do is I go to my mentors and my coaches, and I ask them, you know, who know me very well and ask them what they think I should be doing based on my values. And I kind of refined and I learned the situation through there, or I just trial and error, I guess what I think the right thing to do is and see how I feel about it afterwards. But most of the time, I’m pretty clear on what I should be doing. And just comes down to a matter of whether or not I’m going to do it. The last one is kind of, out of nowhere, you have meaningful hobbies. Hobbies is a weird word. And sounds kind of silly and unimportant. But if you go on passionate pursuits, or meaningful use of your time, I think it makes more sense. Quite often, I think there’s a primary and a secondary mission, my primary mission is this work that I’m doing with you guys, right here, and now building confidence for people and so on. You know, that’s, that’s the thing I’ll die for. But I also play guitar, and I dance, do a little bit of drawing, I like working out. And these are kind of like secondary missions. I want to get really good at guitar, but it doesn’t have to impact the world. Like, I don’t care if anybody even listens to me. I dance for my own benefit. I’m not I’m not here to become the best dancer in the world, or to change the world with my dancing but very meaningful activities. You know, I’d rather do that than scroll through Facebook or binge on Netflix, even I do that too. But that’s a key measure, you know, do you actually have fun, playful, meaningful activities we constantly grow you and that you do just for your own enjoyment of life? Because if not, then probably life’s too serious. I don’t want to take too much longer. But I’ll just finish up by sharing some journaling questions you can ask yourselves, and I’ll post these in the written version of this. And then some tests that you can use to test your confidence. So journaling questions? What fears surface today? And how did I face them? What confrontations were needed? And did I do them? How much shit did I take? What did I learn today? Or what did I try to learn today? What truths Am I avoiding? And what will I do about it now that I can see them? Who was worth keeping in my life? Who needs to be let go? How well did I respect my body today? How well did I respect my mind? What is under my control that I need to take responsibility for? What isn’t under my control that I need to accept? How honest was I today? These are the kind of questions that I asked myself when generally. Now I do also do some measures like, you know, how much weight have I lost this week? Or how many pull ups could I do? I measure the numbers and statistics on my business. I do some tangible outcome based measures to give me a sense, it’s more like to give me an idea of where I’m at with those things. But those questions I just gave you they’re the ones that matter to me, because their integrity questions. Now I’m not saying you should use them because they’re my questions based on my values is encouraged and responsibility, acceptance, curiosity. So there’s my values. That’s why have those questions, be unique questions that would ask you how it’ll give you a quantitative measure. You know, like the question What fear surfaced and how did I face them? Basically, I know, okay, three times today, I felt uncomfortable. And two of those three times I reacted by going into the discomfort another time I ran away from it. So I gotta get like two out of three for confidence. That kind of measurement makes it really tangible, especially when you do this over time. And as the months go by, you can compare to the past, you know, so in the past, I was afraid of everything and no shut about it. And today, I got like eight out of 10 That’s a significant increase. Alright, finish off with some tests. Now, before I even do test, you need a baseline. Okay, there are some things you can do to test yourself that you can repeat over and over again as you get more confident because you’ll be able to do like personal bests. But ultimately, before you start a test need to know like, what’s the before picture gonna look like? So you have an after to compare it to. Okay, so if the before pictures, I’m too scared to talk to anyone, then you set that as a baseline, zero people talk to because of fear. Now, where any person talk to is an improvement. And how you talk to them becomes another more qualitative measure afterwards. So essentially, what you want to do, a test actually serves as a confidence building activity, not just a measurement, because you can use tests to like crack open the next level of confidence. You want to kind of break your personal best Right. You might do this by searching for accomplishments that other people do if you can’t think of your own. You know, I saw recently a guy in the brojo community did stand up comedy, the first time of interview, look at that and go holy shit that scary. There you go. Yes, seven potential tests, could you do stand up comedy? Could you just start by telling some jokes in front of anybody, and so on and build up? For your current baseline measurement is Oh, my God, I can’t even try to be funny in front of other people. So that’s your zero? What would a one look like? If a teen is doing stand up comedy show? What’s a one? What’s a two, what’s a three, and you can sit these tests try to break them, when you break them, you move to the next test. You know, that’s part of the great thing about the brojo group. And you guys have been sharing your accomplishments more recently in the Facebook group and stuff, which is awesome. And when you meet in person, there’s someone who inspire you with an achievement. You know, the reason I went to go for like 100 Pull Ups and 20 minutes, is because I looked at David Goggins, and he had the world record for pull ups as I fuck, he did a lot. The current world records is like 5000, and something in 24 hours, or 5000. I’m doing like Team 15 is the mass and the gear. And so I had a look at how he did it. And I set myself a new taste. Pull Ups isn’t the taste of my physical endurance, and it’s a test of my mental resilience because it hurts to do them. How much am I willing to hurt? You know, so that’s why I use that as a test. The more pull ups I can do, the more I’m hurt, the stronger My mind is. You guys can work together, I think on this, and the group has set yourself tests. And health and fitness ones are easy to measure, you basically just run further than you did last time, or you lift more weight than last time or you eat less sugar than last time. What else we got? Let’s have a look at the areas. Korea ones it can be done in terms of maybe it depends on what your weaknesses are. But if it’s confrontations, like, how much did you speak up at the team meetings? Can you speak up at the next run more than you did last time? Can you confront your boss? Can you apply for their promotion? Can you start your own business on the side? Can you reach out to your first client things that you didn’t do last time that are now your test for next time? Whatever scares you? Basically, social relationship one’s easy. Anything you find embarrassing or uncomfortable or awkward socially? There’s a test can you do it? How much of it can you do? You can have a lot of fun with social ones. Me and my younger brother went out once and we just went into shops and we’re just ridiculous. Like, he went into work calls and he acted like he was stupid and asked if they sold books. And they’re just looking, I’m like, yeah, he’s like, Well, what books do you sell. And they drag this out for like 45 minutes, it was ridiculous of him having a conversation trying to get them to convince him that they sell books, you know, and they just walked out afterwards. It’s that kind of thing just brings on very uncomfortable situations for as long as you can handle then coming out of them going okay, I definitely am more confident now. Because that was harder than anything I’ve done before. Set personal best. Psychology I mean anything uncomfortable. Honestly, expressing emotions going into situations that you find awkward or or discomforting, taking responsibility and solving problems that you usually pass blame on that kind of thing. And there goes the mission in life is usually about fighting for a cause, you know, standing up for something, taking a stand and trying to make the world a better place in some way. And there’s all measurable personal bests that you can set review things and as the months and years go by, am I still afraid of them or unable to do them? If so, go do them again. I recently more not very recently, but I got an A bicycle again. It had some discomfort around bikes because I’d had a couple of bad accidents on them when I was younger and had run one and over a decade does a little bit scared of getting on a bike. So I went and did a bit of a road ride and it was very uncomfortable. Mostly because the seat was too high but as uncomfortable psychologically to there’s there’s a little taste like okay, I can still put myself through that. Or my go and approach a stranger every now and then I don’t do that very often these days, but just do it to just make sure I can still can. You know you want to regularly regularly, maybe not frequently, but regularly put yourself in Alien situations. Travel by yourself, you know, attend a silent retreat, embarrass yourself in public start a new class and then an activity you’ve never done before. It’s things where you just I am totally out of my depth. I have no idea what’s going on. This is all brand new to me. Just for the sake of being in that situation. That’s a test of confidence. You know, quite often you’ll find the whole process is test your confidence. I went to Brazilian jujitsu a couple of months ago. I don’t want to keep doing it. But going to the class required me navigating through the streets of burnout and Czech Republic, which is difficult. Finding parking, which was difficult finding the building I was in in the room it was in was difficult because they don’t label things very clearly here. And I had to go into a classroom when no one spoke English and try to introduce myself as a beginner and figure out what what the hell I’m supposed to do as a beginner and whether or not I had to pay, then I had to do the class. And I’m like, definitely worse than everybody else there and I then I had to like, spar with one guy, and he just kept tapping me out ridiculous. I don’t think I’ve been once. All of that whole process from driving the driving home was difficult and uncomfortable for me. And it was a great test. It wasn’t about being good at jujitsu, it was about getting through all that discomfort when I just had this great urge to go home and just give up on it. Now another way, is just list all your fears, from general ones like abandonment through to specific ones like public speaking. And just see if you can, you can scratch everyone off the list by facing, put yourself in a situation where you have to do it, even to a minor level, do one a week, one a day, if you’re feeling bold enough for one a week is fine. You’ll know that if you’re constantly facing them, that you’re not getting less confident, you’ll know that for a fact, you must be developing your bravery. Well, you can do the shame grid exercise, which is talked about in the overcoming shame course and the Berger University. Which is where you basically try to be a bit more honest each day about things you’re ashamed of until there’s none left. That’s a sure sign of increased honesty. Final thoughts. You go on saying confidence is a feeling comes and goes as unreliable. A lot of times, you’ll be being confident but not feeling it. Because that’s actually the price of confidence, you might be feeling anxious or confused or scared. But it’s because you’re doing something confident. So you’re actually being confident in that moment. So let go the feeling part of this. And even the thoughts you might not have encouraging thoughts, they’re not good enough story might be raging through your mind. The fact is, actually, the more you try to be confident, the more these thoughts will come up at first, because your comfort zone is trying to like pull you back in by scaring off with these thoughts. So these thoughts are not a measure of failure. But success usually means you’re pushing yourself. The thoughts and feelings are the last change really, it’s like losing weight, it’s your belly fat that goes last. Those are feelings becoming encouraging, they’re not good enough story going away. Your emotional range becoming more stable. That’s the last change to happen. When it comes to building confidence, the behavior has to be focused on first, okay, and that’s the only thing that can be measured. And the last note I’ll leave is basically this the less you feel like doing something, then the more confidence is required to do it. So the more reluctant you are to do something, the more important it is that you do it. Because you’ll come to realize you don’t need to be motivated to be confident you have to feel like doing something in fact, confidence is doing it when you don’t feel like doing it. So more of those situations you can wake up each day, the more sure you can be that your confidence is growing. Until one day you’re not wanting to do something is actually a reason to do it. And then you’ve you’ve achieved like very high confidence. Okay, thanks for those of you were able to come along Jay Christian Ryan, thank you guys so much. Any thoughts questions from you guys before we wrap it up? Check something in the comment box Well, good. So Ryan says how to stay confident. I’ve discovered an area I’d love to be in requires a university degree. But I need to save up to study it. Think of it as how can I get a day job I don’t want to believe I can do but just apply for it. Well, you just described what confidence is, which would be applying for it anyway. Like I said, the mission thing, you might not be doing what you love right now but it’s on a mission to do what you love. You’re taking yourself there in your do whatever it takes to get there. That’s what confident people do. So confidence isn’t about feeling like doing the job. It’s about applying for. If you apply for it, then you’re being confident you don’t apply for it. You’re not it’s really straightforward. Also, you know this come up a lot in the Facebook group chats challenge the idea that you need a university degree. What you need to Doing what you love. And you can do that today. Okay? So this you don’t, a confident person doesn’t delay what they want to do for some qualification. Now, we’ve talked about this before in the Facebook group, if you want to be a musician, you play music today, you don’t wait to be a qualified musician. You play by yourself in your room, if you have to practice, practice, practice, you do as much of it as you can in the time that you have available. And the rest of the time we’re looking at how to improve how much you can do it and, and how, how satisfying it will be for you. But needing a degree, you don’t, you can get one if you want. If you want to go down that route, fine. But nothing stopping you from doing what you want to be doing right now. At least the small level that’s available to you. But yeah, simple answer. If you’re scared of applying for the job, but you want to do it to serve your grand mission and apply for the job and you’re being confident that’s a part of the job. Like it’s the last job you’re ever going to get. Apply for it like you’re going to die trying make it worth it. You know? Jade says, if you put your value in other people, and there’s other people disapprove, it’s all over for you. Exactly. And that’s what I was saying earlier. And so social confidence as ultimately, how valuable you are has to be an internal measurement that cannot rely on what other people think, on their opinions. Because then they can take it away. That’s a key element all the areas of confidence. Ask yourself, Could anyone take this away from me? If the answer is yes, then it needs to be changed. Okay, because ultimately, confidence must be entirely self managed. Alright, it’s like, was Jade say, yeah, why people are suicidal when the girlfriend breaks up with them? Yeah, and people get suicidal when they lose their job, or when they get paralyzed from the waist down and can’t do their favorite physical activity. That’s all their confidence is like tied up on one thing. And that thing is not under their control. And they don’t realize until it’s taken away. And that’s why what I talked about today is the things that you can control that your girlfriend broke up with you or you lost your job, or you’re physically disabled in some way, you could still keep going, there wouldn’t stop, there just be a new challenge to overcome. Yes, absolutely. If somebody else could hurt you, they’re badly then your confidence system sucks. It doesn’t mean that you can’t get intimate with people. It just means your confidence system needs to be separate from their intimacy can’t be reliant on it. I really truly believe that confidence is internally managed. It’s all comes down to you managing your own behavior to a certain set of principles. You get that system sorted, no breakups gonna destroy, you know, lost jobs gonna destroy, you know, broken back’s gonna destroy you. Because you can always manage your behavior to those principles within the limits that you have, you know, are in better trying to exceed those limits. But yeah, I think Jade you’ve nailed probably the top confidence problem as people need other people to approve of them. And that is essentially setting yourself up for a total fall, because that means other people can take it away from me, we see this with celebrities all the time. If they have some scandal and lose their fame, they often lose their confidence with it. Which means the confidence never really existed. Who says this fragile illusion. Cool. Alright, layer two, I’m losing my voice now. So I’m gonna sign off. But keep the conversation going. Take a few things from this and try to apply it. You need to measure this needs to be written down on paper, you need a journal, you need to be tracking the numbers, or otherwise your brain is not going to be able to see progress and when it doesn’t see progress. You’ll find it hard to keep going and feel like it’s not worth it. It said you were making progress. You just didn’t see it. Right. That’s why those measurements are important. Thanks again, guys for coming along. And turning your piece in there. I’ll see you all next time. Cheers.