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Honesty vs Truthfulness: How to Avoid Hurting Peoples Feelings

Most of us would like to be more honest, but we hesitate due to fear that doing so would hurt others or get us into trouble. But the problem is we often confuse an increase in honesty with increasing truthfulness.

The truth can’t hurt people – reality is benign. But the way you present your reality can be harsh, judgmental and unhelpfully inaccurate.
In this episode, we explore how to increase your honesty without doing damage.


 

To become powerfully honest without being a jerk, talk to Dan about coaching options

dan@brojo.org


 

 

 


Full transcript (unedited)

Already. Welcome back to brojo. Online, Dan Munro. Today we’re gonna be talking about honesty. And what I wanted to do is I wanted to dispel some of the myths about honesty. A lot of people are hesitant to become more honest than they already are, because they think they hold back things or they moderate the truth in a way that’s helpful. They think that if they’re more honest, that they will become nasty mean hurtful, or that they will disrupt their life, that they’ll reveal information that hurts them. And I think I want to clarify this by talking about the difference between being honest and being truthful. Okay, because being truthful, is almost certainly going to improve your life. Not in the short term necessarily, but in the long term, definitely. Whereas being honest, can do damage. Okay. So honesty is just expressing what you think, feel and believe. That’s where what comes out of your mouth or the way you behave accurately represent what’s going on. inside you. Okay, you enter experience, and dishonesty would be misrepresenting what’s going on inside you, or hiding significant information so that you create like a misperception about who you are. Okay? Now, being honest, doesn’t actually mean that you’re speaking the truth, it means you think you are. But we can be honest and incorrect. For example, for a long time, I spoke about how depression is a state of mind and it’s something that just happens because of the way you behave. And I spoke about that, like it’s truthful, because I really did believe it. I’ve since been informed through science, that that’s not quite accurate that a perfectly healthy person who’s living a really productive and healthy lifestyle can still get depression because of chemical imbalances in the brain, that are of no fault of their own, so to speak. You can even genetically be predisposed towards depression, without having kind of done anything to deserve it. So I I was being honest when I said my opinions about depression at the time, but those opinions were wrong factually. So you can be both honest and incorrect. You can speak what you think is the truth, but your truth is actually wrong. Truthfulness is different. Truthfulness is when what you express is not only honest, it aligns with objective reality. It can be verified, validated, it’s reliable information that’s being shared. This is much less likely to do long term damage than raw radical honesty might. Truthfulness can still destroy things in the short term, you know, but most likely the things that destroys the things that aren’t good for you anyway, it’ll be doing you a favor, so to speak. Honestly without truthfulness is just blurting as blurting out what you think and feel without consideration without any sort of process of consideration happening before the expression. And this approach is called Radical Honesty. But by the same name by Dr. Brad Blanton advocates, this kind of approach to honesty, and personally, I’m all for it, in terms of that compared to being dishonest or being a people pleaser, or being too nice, or being you know, manipulative. I prefer someone bluntly honest, and even if it’s thoughtless, and tactless, I’d rather they did that than lied to me. But let’s talk a little bit about how honesty can be untruthful, some of the examples, so one of the biggest examples that comes up as being judgmental. Now, a lot of people when they’re scared of being honest, what they really mean is they’re scared of being judgmental, they’re scared of the ship, they really think about people being put out there and hurting people’s feelings or causing a massive conflict. That hurts them personally. But being judgemental is often in fact, it’s almost always untruthful, because it requires simplifying something complex, and doing so losing key nuances and information. So for example, if I say look, truthfully, I think you’re a fucking decade. Now that’s an honest thing to say, if I have the thought, Man, he’s a fucking decade. And I say it out loud. That’s me being honest. But it’s also me being incredibly judgmental. It’s me giving you a label with all these connotations of you being a bad person and so on simplifying you into this really basic negative thing. When really I don’t know you would all I could I could call someone that who I’ve known my whole life and I still only know the tip of the iceberg because most of the In a world is a secret to me. Yeah, it’s a mystery. You think you know someone, you only know the fraction they’re willing to show you. And I promise you that as a small fraction, their thoughts, their secrets, their dreams, their hopes, their fears, most of this is hidden most of the time. So when you label someone, or you assume things about people, or you categorize them, stereotype them in any way, you have expectations of them. All of this judgment is almost certainly at least a little bit incorrect. Right? I remember seeing it in the movie, Blood Diamond. There’s a part where Leonardo DiCaprio shows character is talking to this guy who runs like an orphanage. And the guy asked them, Do you believe that people are good or bad? And Leonardo’s guy says, Neither people or just people. And the main response was saying, exactly, even a an act of love, even from an evil man can give a meaning to our life. So what he’s saying is essentially, somebody you might perceive someone as evil or bad or useless or stupid, but they can, they’re capable of a behavior, that discredits that label. They’re capable of proving you wrong or being exceptional to that. Always, they’re capable of that. In fact, they’re probably far more capable than then you believe they are. And it goes the reverse way for positive judgments as well, you think someone’s an awesome person is still capable of shitty things. And they still have nasty thoughts and feelings. So being judgmental, can be honest. But it almost always in fact, I’d hazard a guess that is always inaccurate. You can’t make a judgment about someone without sacrificing some truthfulness. Another example of honesty without truthfulness is being emotionally reactive. It kind of like Don’t tell me what to do kind of reaction or give hug yourself, or whatever that kind of or even like reacting to what you might call a positive emotion, like, oh my god, you’re so awesome. You know, these kinds of reactions. They’re so impulsive and spontaneous and based entirely on physical sensation on chemicals running through your body. Then at that point, in time, rational, factual consideration has gone out the window, when you’re really angry at someone, or really in love with them, or really confused, or really afraid or really sad. However you express yourself is very unlikely to be aligned with facts and reality and raw evidence, and logical reasoning. Okay. Now, that doesn’t mean it’s bad to express yourself during the states, and you absolutely should. But what we’ll talk about later, is a more truthful way to express yourself when you’re feeling this way. But understand, as soon as you get anything beyond calm, as soon as your emotional state is piqued in any way, you can be honest, but you’re very unlikely to be truthful and accurate. Another problem is when you’re naive or ignorant, a kind of an obvious one is just speaking your mind but you don’t know what you’re talking about. Okay? And honestly, this is most of the time. Really, you if we ever you speak about something as if it’s a fact. Odds are, it’s not. Okay, it’s just you think it is you feel convinced you feel certain, but just like being emotionally reactive, feeling certain is not valid evidence of anything. You can feel 100% certain about something that’s 100% Wrong. You know, like people will say vaccines cause autism. They’re very certain about that, but they’re very wrong about that. There was a single study that said it, that study was had a sample size of 12 people. It’s been thoroughly discredited and debunked by the entire scientific community. And the person who wrote it has personally been disbarred as a scientist, essentially, it was so fraudulent, such a hoax. So the people who say vaccines cause autism are ignorant to facts. Okay, either willfully, or they’ve just been kind of conned by the whole wave of manipulation. And that might seem really obvious with that kind of case. But actually, we’re all victims to something like this. There is something you believe in fully right now that you’re wrong about same as me. Right? There’s something you’re convinced is true that 10 years from now you’re going to feel embarrassed about. And there’s more than one thing, there are a ton of things that you’re sure of that you’re also wrong about. The best way to look at is you’re actually a little bit wrong, at least about everything. Because you can’t possibly know everything. I mean, how arrogant would you have to be to be 100% certain of something? Well, actually, it’s not arrogance, it’s cognitive bias. And we’ll talk about this later. But if you speak about something as if it’s 100%, true, you’re already being untruthful, because you don’t know anything for 100% certainty. So being naive speaking, honestly, but speaking about something wrong, as a way to be honest and untruthful. And this leads to a sort of subcategory of sharing opinions as facts. You know, if I say, Well, Donald Trump, he’s just a straight talker, he’s not a liar. He’s just giving it to you straight. Well, that’s my opinion. But I’m saying like it’s true. And yeah, that’s been clearly documented on my 8000 occasions that he’s deliberately said something untruthful, you know, so I can have really strong opinions on something. And I can speak about them as if they affect, but that’s actually untruthful to do and opinion can be really strong and can be spoken about. Honestly, as long as it’s shared as an opinion, it can be as simple as saying, like, this is my opinion. But if you take that bit out and just say this is, and you speak about it as if it’s factual, you’re now being untruthful, because you just can’t possibly know even when you’re an expert. In fact, what you’ll find is people who are the real top of their fields, like the smartest scientists are the ones who speak with the least amount of confidence. You know, the smartest philosophers, when they’ve Delve that deeply into what’s true, they come to the conclusion Shit, I don’t really know what’s true about anything. And they speak as such. So if you’re speaking about something that you believe as if it’s a fact, then odds are you’re ignorant to the true facts. And we all do this, myself included, I’m not judging you here, I’m just pointing out a human fallacy. This also leads to another one, which is feelings being given precedence over truth, or over facts, huge problem of our time. So you can honestly blurt out your feelings. And especially you can use your feelings as evidence. But that doesn’t mean it’s actually true. You know, great one these days is global warming. So it’s an unfortunate name, you know, climate change is a much better name. Because when people hear global warming, they go, Well, it can’t be true, because I feel cold and winter. I don’t feel that that’s true. So well, it doesn’t matter what you feel. What matters is the fucking scientific equipment, recording data over many, many years, and seeing trends that you can’t possibly fucking measure with your body and your biases. Oh, I feel like she’s cheating on me. Well, that’s just the feeling. You might be right. But you could be wrong, a feeling is not evidence of anything. Feelings are rarely evidence of something. But they can be helpful for being truthful, which we’ll talk about later. But odds are if you feel something strongly, it’s going to be given a heavier weight of truthfulness in your mind, without actually having valid evidence to back up that way to another one last one I’ll go on, just as an example, is being unaware of your intentions. So we can actually be quite unconsciously manipulative of people. We feel like we’re just being honest. But we’re actually using a subconscious strategy to control others. So we’re not really being honest. We’ve just tricked ourselves into believing we’re honest. And what we’re really doing is manipulating people. It can be as little as saying like, Oh, is that what you cook for dinner? I guess if you really asking a genuinely curious question, but what you’re doing is you’re trying to set them up with a feeling of invalidation so that they change what you have for dinner, you know, you can you can express yourself in a way that you think, Hey, I’m just asking question, I’m just speaking my mind. And you can trick yourself into thinking you don’t have a hidden motive for doing that. And that their hidden motive is, in fact, hidden, is a dishonesty and not saying why you’re saying something, which we’ll talk about soon as well. So these are just some examples of how you can be honest without being truthful. And these are the examples of how honesty can cause really negative reactions. And I just want to point out well, this is not the limit of honesty, it can be much better than this. Honesty combined with truthfulness, can be a lot more effective than just honesty, raw and radical and by itself. That being said that even this level of honesty, as much as I’m shitting on it, it’s better than dishonesty or suppression, in my opinion. still some work to be done, but at least you can now be trusted to speak your mind. So people don’t have to worry that you’re hiding things. You’re transparent. Any issues that you’re having a board up and dealt with much better than someone who suppresses or pretense you know, you’re releasing your emotions instead of bottling them up and you’re easier to connect with. Because, you know, everyone knows where you stand on everything. So that level of honesty is in my In a much better for both confidence and connections. You know these are kind of people we call them blunt come straight talkers, ruthless, harsh, outspoken. It’s better than calling them liars, manipulators, mysteries, whatever. The downside, of course, to being that kind of level of basic honesty is that often creates conflict. Right? You continue to remain ignorant if you already are, you can scare off people who might be a great connection for you. You can ruin a healthy conversation or healthy discourse or a much needed debate. You know, we see this in the public arena all the time, that topic that’s really like, really, really sensitive and needs to be debated and someone just throws their toys and ruins it and creates it makes it impossible to talk about it rationally. You know, it gets stuck in an echo chamber where it says you and your own thoughts stuck in a cycle. We’re not growing or improving or educating yourself. Still a lot better, I think, than being a liar, and being false being a nice guy being a pretender, but not much better. So I want to talk about truthfulness. Now, because truthfulness is like a next level honesty. It’s its honesty that requires a little more wisdom. A filter that enhances honesty by removing some of the unconscious dishonesty, and the laziness and the biases. being truthful doesn’t mean being less honest. It means a refined, finessed level of honesty. Okay. Enhanced shiny, perfect. So I’m going to give you some examples of some of the things that you that are required for honesty to become truthfulness. And before I do, let me put a caveat out there. One of the main things is knowing that you can never be 100% accurate. You know, even language itself is a limit. Have you ever tried to describe a really complex emotion? There just isn’t the language, there aren’t the right words to really get it out, ultimately could never be put into words a feeling like the love you have for your child? How could you describe that? I mean, the English language is insulting to that feeling. It’s kind of the best you can do. So understand truthfulness as a spectrum. You’re trying to move up the spectrum, but you’ll never get to 100 out of 100. Right, we’re looking for high 80s 70s and 80s. Whereas raw radical honesty can be really really untruthful can be zero, and truthfulness and still be honest. So here’s some of the things that you apply to honesty to make it more truthful. First and foremost as a kind of mental philosophical Socratic approach, acknowledgement that you don’t really know anything for sure. Bearing in mind that no matter how certain you feel about something, you can’t be sure of it. Not 100%. You can speak about feeling certain. But you can’t speak about being certain. The language you use must always be considerate of your potential ignorance. You know, it should always be aware, there, no matter how you feel, you could be wrong. And if you keep that in mind, it will help you moderate your language. Think before you speak. But don’t think too much. We’ll talk about that soon. But Radical Honesty is generally blurting off the top of your head taking the first thing that appears on your conscious awareness and just throwing it out there. Truthfulness is about having a look at the range of things happening inside you letting them kind of process a little bit, and then deciding what the most truthful thing to say would be. And it takes a few seconds to pause and allow yourself to react. But basically, the more emotional you are, the bigger that pause needs to be. The main thing the main point of truthfulness has to understand the only thing you can really comment on with any real certainty is what’s going on inside you. In terms of what is real, what is the outer world what’s actually happening out there. You just don’t know for sure. You know, the latest neuroscience appears to show us that our entire conscious awareness is essentially a hallucination or brain is stimulated by objective reality and then translates that stimulation, those electrical impulses into a conscious experience of sound and sight and feeling. But we don’t actually really know what’s triggering it. We don’t know what objective reality is. We only know how we perceive it. So your perception of reality is the only thing you can really comment on. You can’t be sure that your perception is true. You know, I used to work in forensic mental health and And you know, so I worked with people who are proper crazy, you know, the really hard out schizophrenics and delusional people. There were guys who thought they were the reincarnation of Jesus Christ, there was a guy who used to play table tennis by himself with an invisible partner. You know, these people had a reality that I could not verify at all. And by all evidence appeared to not exist. And if they were 100%, certain of it, who’s to say you’re not one of them? Right? We might all be crazy. In fact, we almost certainly are. What you think reality is, the one thing we can almost be sure of is that it’s not that, okay. But what you think it is, is real to you. Your perception is real to you. And you can speak about your perception in speak about your thoughts and your feelings, rather than trying to speak about objective reality. Another thing to consider truthfulness requires you to separate fact from opinion. You’re either citing valid and reliable evidence, or you’ve just got an opinion on something. And keeping those two things separate and speaking about them as such. When I say here is Roy evidence to support the idea of XY and Z? Or you can say, Look, I have an opinion that this happens, and I don’t know why I have that opinion. Or it’s based on this assumption I’ve made, etc. So learning to separate the two rather than merging them and confusing the two. Truthfulness requires research before you talk about anything, knowing that you’ve looked into it, that you’ve educated yourself on it, not just YouTube research, where other people’s opinions are presented as facts. Okay, but actually learning from valid and reliable teachers and evidence, learning about something before you speak about it with authority. Understand that most of the topics that you speak about, you are not an expert, and by any means. And even the ones you think you’re an expert in, you’re unlikely to be an actual expert. You’ll notice when you meet the real world experts, because they will blow your way. Truthfulness requires being open to correction, there’s a humility and truthfulness that you don’t see. In radical honesty, truthfulness, like science, it’s always open to being wrong. In fact, it’s trying to see if it can be proved wrong. People who are just blind, blunt and honest, generally don’t want to hear counter opinions, and they don’t change their minds. truthful people are constantly changing their minds based on better evidence. So part of being truthful is what what happens when you receive information, not just expressing it, but allowing counter evidence to change your mind. So you aim to sort of shear rather than dominate, you go, this is what I think and feel and believe. And you put that out there for discussion, for adjustment, for maneuvering for change, if possible, rather than trying to put it out there as a weapon to control people and own them. And when truthfulness also really requires you to explore your intentions. Why are you saying what you say? Why are you expressing this thing? putting that out there, as well as the thing you’re saying? To avoid manipulating people, but also to call yourself out on what’s really going on when you express yourself. When you reveal your intentions, you’ll find out how often you’re probably not accurate. You know, when you find yourself saying, Well, I’m just saying this to get x outcome or that result. I’m saying this because I’m upset. Or I’m saying this because I’m confused and don’t want to look stupid. You know, when you see these intentions, you’ll be like, Hmm, with that intention, it’s very unlikely that I’m being truthful right now. I mean, I might be being honest, I might be saying what I really think but the likelihood of what I really think being just pure and clean, unlikely, right? And it’s funny because as soon as you start exploring and revealing those intentions, you’ve been very truthful about your intentions, which makes you a truthful person. There’s a vulnerability and truthfulness. You’re prepared to be seen for who you really are. You’re prepared to be wrong, you’re prepared to be challenged. The doubts that you have are revealed. No, you’re not certain about everything. No, you’re not confident about everything. And you’re gonna put that out there was really blunt dominant people tend to speak about everything as if it’s backed to avoid their vulnerability. And truthfulness requires one thing more than just about anything else, psychological education, and in particular on two topics, one cognitive biases and the other logic fallacies, cognitive biases and logic fallacies. You need to understand how often the brain is wrong, and how this affects you how often the way it puts together ideas is based on faulty reasoning and lack of evidence, and how that happens more often than not, your brain is constantly trying to simplify reality make things easier for you. And in doing this, it sacrifices the truth. Okay, and it’s the only way to make things easier. The truth is overwhelming. Reality is a fucking bench to explore, especially when you get to that real philosophical state of like, holy shit, I don’t really know anything. Your brain is trying to save you from that by simplifying, categorizing, stereotyping, assuming expecting, all of these things are kind of a form of lying. Once you understand that, your brains like that and every human brain is like that you meet everybody is equally subject to these kind of flaws and thinking you’ll speak with more truthfulness because you’ll speak with less certainty about the facts, and more vulnerability and openness about your inner experience. So let’s wrap this up by talking about practically how to become more truthful. I’m going to give you a mixture of inner and outer things. So some things for your mindset and some things for the way you express yourself. Let’s start with the way you express yourself. A quick one is to add some language, some presuppositions to what you say. Little ones like that makes me think of x y&z So talking about your thoughts as you observe them, rather than giving them facts rather than saying, You’re a deck, you might say, that gave me the thought that you’re a dick. Well, that makes me think that you’re a deck. Okay? To be able to start with something where you kind of caveat what you say you say, look, I might be wrong about this, but what I believe is blah, blah, blah. To start with that acknowledgement of ignorance, right? When you’re reacting emotionally to point out that that’s what’s happening. My first reaction to this is blah, blah, blah. When you sit there, I immediately felt blah, blah, blah. So before you start stating any facts, or trying to argue your point of view your point out, hey, like, right now, I’m in an emotional state, I might not be as accurate as I could be. To say things like this, I honestly I say shit like this all the time. You know, we try to tell my girlfriend how to live your life because I’m bossy, you know. And I’ll say something like, look, I’m pretty stressed right now. So there’s probably just coming from a place of stress or probably just trying to control you. But what I think is blah, blah, blah. There’s no harm in doing this. It’s actually quite an interesting, attractive and humbling way to speak. The person listening to you is going to be much less reactive and defensive to hear you speak like this, because it shows that you’re not trying to beat them and dominate them and trick them and manipulate them and take over their life shows you like, look, I’m aware of my potential fallacies. You don’t need to fight against me, I got this. Now the trick is to focus on talking about your inner experience to take like an observer detached viewpoint on your thoughts and feelings and belief and narrate on them rather than stating them as facts. So rather than saying, like, You’re wrong, you could say, Huh, you know, when you say that the first thought that popped into my head is thinking you’re wrong. Right? I don’t know why that came into my head. So you’re talking about the thoughts as they occur, like a process you’re watching, rather than speaking them as if you are them. Run saying you make me angry. You say, Man, I just noticed every time you say something like that, this rage just comes inside me. Like I just instantly react with anger, and feel as heat in my chest. You’re sharing this inner experience with them, rather than making out like something factual is happening, right? You’re just observing, giving feedback on what’s going on inside you so that they have an understanding, rather than saying vaccines cause autism, and say, You know what, I spent like two hours on YouTube last night looking at vaccines. And I don’t know what those videos said. But they somehow convinced me that vaccines cause autism. Now, to be fair, I didn’t see any scientific evidence, but I just really felt convinced, you know, that way you kind of open to the idea of being wrong. You’re not like guru worship and conspiracy theory. Lost in the woods. You just like, Look, I’ve been convinced of something that doesn’t mean it’s true, but I am convinced. You can speak about anything like this. In other practical terms, just take a few seconds to consider what you’re about to say before you speak. not longer than a few seconds, though, because then you get into overthinking and you start moderating the truth. Just a few to be like, Okay, what just happened to me and then you can operate on that and our experience. This is especially important when you’re emotionally agitated when you feel defensive or aggressive, upset, confused, offended. Those are the times where you’re most likely to resort to all sorts of biased assumptions and unfair and unreasonable observations. And so you need to just take a little bit more time be a bit more careful, a bit less sure of yourself. Another practical tip is listen to your haters listen carefully to others. Imagine shit they might be right now doesn’t mean they are most likely situation that you’re both wrong. But hear them out just in case. Look for opportunities to enhance your understanding of opposite viewpoints. If nothing else, like when someone disagrees with me, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m wrong. But I should understand the disagreement because if I am right, understanding their disagreement will enhance how I can express myself. You know, for example, I believe that I believe that being dishonest hurts people’s confidence, right? Now, when someone says no, you need to be dishonest, rather than me just gonna fuck you. You don’t know what you’re talking about. I say, tell me why. Explain to me a situation where being dishonest was better than being honest, for your confidence. So that I can understand I might be wrong, maybe there are some situations where it’s better to be dishonest. But also be I can find out why someone might have a barrier to honesty what kind of story they’re telling themselves, and therefore be better able to help people to be honest. And this is, quite honestly, you know, this is the approach that I’ve taken to my coaching business. I now know basically, hundreds of reasons why people are dishonest, and I’m yet to be convinced that there’s a good reason. But I’ve heard them all out. And I’ve come up with counters to those, I’ve been able to sort of disprove them over time, and show them a better, more honest alternative. Now there may come a time when someone presents something to me and I go, You know what, go with it go with this honesty on this one. There hasn’t happened yet. But I am open to it. Another key one little question you can ask yourself before you start ranting and raving and telling people what’s real, is ask yourself how many hours you’ve had formal training on the topic? Okay, and I don’t mean YouTube research. I mean, working with an expert in the field, with formal university level education. How many hours have you had that training? If the answer is less than 10,000, then you’re almost certainly not an expert in this topic, not by any definition. So speak very cautiously. If you’ve looked at something for 15 minutes online, you’re not an expert. Okay, if you did a one weekend training course, you’re not an expert. If you’ve worked at something for three years, you’re still not an expert. But if you’ve been doing something for seven years, and you’ve been trained by the top experts from around the world, and you’ve not necessarily been qualified, but you’ve done lots and lots of training and experiments and trial and error and development, and you’ve read all the books, you’ve read both the arguments for and against certain viewpoints. And you’ve spent 10,000 plus hours doing that, then maybe you can speak with some authority. But it’s still not a reason to speak as if you’re 100% accurate, should still cache what you’re saying carefully. Use words like this evidence suggests that or I’ve drawn a conclusion that this might be true. Rather than this as the facts believe me. Can you cite evidence? Can you cite strong reliable, scientifically valid evidence? No, then don’t present it as a fact. presented as an opinion. You might be right with your opinion. But don’t don’t present it as if it’s definitely right. Without facts. When you’re at a party and someone breaks a window, and you’re like, Charles did it? Do you have a video of Charles doing it? Do you have a documented affidavit from Charles saying Yo through the thing at the window? Do you have six other witnesses who independently verify that Charles did it? No, then you can’t be sure Charles did it. You just got a memory of Charles doing it a memory is notoriously unreliable. So if you can’t cite evidence, if you can’t show something beyond your opinion, proving what you’re saying, then it’s just an opinion. Another key one is asking for negative feedback rather than seeking agreement. Find the people who disagree with you rather than trying to clump into an echo chamber with people who agree with you. If people agree with you too much, then play devil’s advocate, and try to argue the other side of the coin. Seek to learn through confrontation. Most of what I’ve learned that I feel confident in comes from talking to people who disagree with me, not people who agree with me. Certainly not me agreeing with myself, right. We talked about intentions before. As often as possible, identify and reveal Why you’re expressing something? The reason I’m telling you this is because get out there, why you’re saying what you’re saying for your own benefit as well as for other people’s? Do they know why you’re saying it? Do you? Make sure you do? And try to be honest about the reason why. If you’re feeling insecure, saying, Look, I’m probably saying this because I’m insecure right now. If you really want a person to do something, say, you know, I’m about to say this, but I should warn you, I really want you to do something. So that’s almost certainly influencing me right now. Right, it’s so much more truthful to speak in this way, and so much less likely to be unconsciously manipulative. And lastly, the main point, I really think you need to get on Wikipedia, start there is actually some good videos on YouTube, even educate yourself around cognitive biases, there’s literally 1000s of them. But there’s only about a dozen that you really need to know about confirmation bias, recency bias, the heuristic availability, there’s a whole bunch of others. But these are the ones will let you know, like, Hey, that’s a reason I feel really soon about stuff even though I don’t know it’s true. You know, the reason you’re so sure of yourself all the time is is these biases, these these processes that your brain goes through, to try and make life simple for you. Humble yourself and understanding shit, my brain is wrong a lot. Because it’s trying to simplify everything. And we’re all like this. There’s no shame in it, you’re allowed to be wrong. In fact, you almost always are. Okay, at least a little bit. And logic fallacies, when it comes to putting an argument together when it comes to proving a point. When it comes to, to verifying reality, these these mistakes we make and how we come to our conclusions, we can look like we’ve made a really logical point. But there are, you know, a lot of people have put us up great work to identify what are called fallacies, these kind of missteps and mistakes that we make and putting together a point. You know, great one is the straw man, you think someone has made a point. And so you present their point and you attack it, but you actually got the point wrong. So you’re attacking this thing that doesn’t even exist, right? You assume somebody meant something by what they see a new attack that assumption rather than attacking what they actually said, this is one of many, many logical fallacies that we make. So understanding cognitive biases and logical fallacies will really humble yourself and they will start to manage your language naturally. You can even talk about this, you know, you can like I can say something like, honesty is the best policy. But I have to point out I have a confirmation bias around this. I really want honesty to be the way because I believe in it so strongly. So I could be wrong without knowing it. You know, I’m happy to say something like that, because I know that that’s the truth. Like, I my beliefs. I’m really strongly but fuck, I’ve been wrong before you can I I used to believe like manipulating girls and having sex by being fake was a good idea. Right now, I think it’s a fucking awful idea, I think is both borderline evil. And maybe I’ll think that about what I believe right now, in the future sometime, you know, maybe 10 years from now I look back on what I’m saying in this podcast and think it was evil. I have to be open to that in order to be truthful. So hope that was helpful. If any of you out there are feeling scared of being honest. Understand, you’re probably not scared of being truthful. But you might be scared of being radically and naively honest. If you work on becoming more truthful, rather than becoming more honest, you’re unlikely to cause that much conflict. Though there will be some because there’s always some and and the results from you being truthful will be more likely to create a great life for you. Because you’ll be surrounded by people who embrace you being this way who welcome you being this way. Because you’re going to scare off everyone who isn’t. You know, supportive of that. You’ll end up getting a job that’s right for you. If you speak like this at the job interviews, you know, you’ll be honest with yourself about your health so you become more disciplined and more motivated to take care of yourself. There’s a lot of benefits and being truthful that I believe in and I want you to go and explore them too. If you want help with this, that’s why my coach, get in touch dan@brojo.org co.nz they help someone demystify truthfulness so they can live with integrity. Thank you all for listening. Share this around if you enjoyed it. I’ll catch you next time.

 

 

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