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Finding Your Integrity: Core Values to Live By

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Show notes:

Introduction

  • Integrity definition
  • The formula for integrity is core values
  • By the end, you should know a draft of your values, how to live by them, and what behaviour change you could make today to become a bit more confident

What are core values and why are they important?

  • Integrity diamond
  • Start with what they’re not
  • So what is a core value
  • Thoughts and feelings don’t count

Core Values Exercise: The Integrity Formula

  • Integrity builds confidence, integrity is a formula
  • Values is the ingredients
  • Value questions
  • values criteria
  • Practical definition
  • Exercise

Core Values List for Confident Integrity: Examples and Definitions

  • Curiosity
  • Courage
  • Honesty
  • Acceptance
  • Respect
  • Responsibility
  • Giving
  • Assertiveness
  • Presence
  • Generosity
  • Ruthlessness

Core Values for Business and Career Development

  • Entrepreneur, owner or an employee
  • Patience
  • Responsibility
  • Honesty
  • Determination
  • Generosity
  • Service
  • Humility
  • Assertiveness

7 Core Values for Personal Relationships

  • Single, dating, or married
  • Honesty
  • Curiosity
  • Respect
  • Acceptance
  • Courage
  • Presence
  • Assertiveness
  • Generosity

Core Values for Leadership That Inspires Loyalty

  • Boss, manager, priest, or head of the family
  • Courage
  • Embodied
  • Curious
  • Assertive
  • Service
  • Ruthless
  • Responsible
  • Humility

 


 

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Full transcript (unedited)

Welcome back to brojo online. Today, we’re going to be talking about finding your integrity. Having a core values, what they are, and how to live by them. Integrity is basically defined in two different ways. Firstly, is being undivided, okay being cohesive and whole. And the second is to be honest and having strong moral principles. So the combination is to honestly be consistent, isn’t it to be an integral person to be together and united, you’re always the same, always consistent, always coming from the same place morally. So the claim I’m basically making with all of my work is pretty simple. And that is becoming confident, self confident, if you will, is the simplest and best path to a good life to the best available life. And the practical method for becoming confident is to live with integrity. And the formula for integrity is a recipe that we’ll call core values. In this podcast, I’m going to be having a look at what integrity is based on the idea of core values, so that you have the practical formula to build confidence and have the best possible life. That’s the claim I’m making. And this is the methodology I’ll be sharing today. Today, we’re going to have a look at what core values are and why they’re important. We’re going to go through a core values exercise where you can figure out what yours are and what it means to live by them. I’m going to give you a list some examples with definitions and practical guidance on how to live by each of them just in case you can’t think of your own. And then I’m going to go through three core areas of life, and how core values specifically relate to those areas. So we’re gonna look at business or your job, we’ll look at relationships, romantic and personal. And we’re gonna look at leadership, both self self leadership, and leadership of others. So by the end of this, you should know a draft of your core values, know how to live by them, and what behavior changes you need to be making in the near future to become more confident, as is my want, when I make these podcasts, they’re actually designed to break up into a lot of separate videos that can stand alone, themselves. So it might feel a little chunky, as I go through. It’s kind of like I’m doing video after video after video. And I will be marketing like coaching at the end of each of those videos. So you’ll hear me mention my coaching a few times throughout this podcast. What are core values? And why are they important? As I’ve said before, I believe that the secret to a great life is building self confidence. And the methodology to build self confidence is to live with integrity. And integrity is a set of core values. So when we say what are our core values, one way to look at it is if you think of integrity as a diamond, thing, core values are all the different sides, the facets of their diamond. So each one of them make up the diamond when combined with the others. But if you were to say spin the diamond around you and only see one at a time, so the parts that make up the whole. So living with integrity, is to consistently have your behavior line up with your core values. Now, nobody’s perfect. And in fact, you learn a lot about integrity from getting it wrong. But if you think of it like a spectrum, the more often your behavior aligns with your values. The more integrity you have, the more integrity you have, the more confidence you have, the more confidence you have, the better your life is. So the aim is not really perfection, but constant progress on aligning your behavior with your core values so that you have overall integrity. And the longer you sustain overall integrity, the more confident you’ll feel. This might be a weird place to go with this. But I’m actually going to start with what values are not. Because I think the distractions, the things we confuse with principles and morals to live by our watch, take us off course from our integrity, which I believe is innate. I think integrity is what you discover when you take away all the bullshit that’s been piled on top of it ever since you’re a little child. Now some of this is semantics. So I use the word values in a specific way. And it may be different to other definitions you’ve heard. So let me sort of define that by telling you what it’s not okay. Values are not virtues. A virtue is a value described by somebody else. So the 10 commandments in the church for example, those are virtues, the Four Virtues of stoicism, the philosophy, the code of conduct at your business, the rules that you had at home, delivered by your parents, those are virtues those are what other people say is good behavior. Your core values may not align with anybody else’s virtues. They may align as well. But there will be coincidence rather than additionally, so when we start to look at what your core values are, I want you to let go of what you’ve been told by others is the right way to live. And try to get in touch with what you believe is the right way to live, regardless of what they’ve said. It might mean that your core values sometimes contradict what the people at church told you what your parents told you what your boss wants. And that’s okay. Values are not goals, they are outcome independent, that means their values all about your intention and your behavior, not the result that generates the result is out of our control. And therefore, it’s got nothing to do with values. When we have a goal, when I want this to happen, this external thing outside of me, or even an internal goal, like I want to feel this way, or I want to think these things. We’re not talking about values. Now, there’s nothing wrong with goals. But what I encourage you to do is, first know what your values are, and then have goals that help you live by your values, rather than goals that contradict it. For example, people might say that they have the value of money, or the value of being respected by others or something like that. And you can do everything right by your integrity and not get money from it and not get respected by certain people. And that’s okay. It’s very important you learn to measure your values. Intrinsically. Did you do the right thing by your own code? Not? How did other people react? And what Instant Rewards did I get? Because those are not reliable measures of your integrity. Values are not rules, there is no hard and fast rule that you must live by in order to have integrity. In fact, if you are living by rules, then you’re playing it safe. And taking the path of least resistance, you’re just a robot, following the code. Values are more nuanced in a contextual. You know, being honest, for example, as a value might mean saying a completely different thing today than what you said yesterday. Because the truth has changed. If you think of a virtue type rules say, Thou shalt not steal, you know, there might be a time when your values say this is the right time to steal something. And you’d have to go with that to have integrity values are completely dependent on in the moment context, and there’s no rule that covers all context. So you have to embrace the idea of living by your core values, it’s gonna require some fucking thinking, you’re gonna have to look at each situation as it happens, and go, what’s the right value here? And what would it mean to live by at this time, rather than going, I’m just going to follow these 10 Rules forever, no matter what happens, values are independent. And that means you can live by them 24 hours a day, seven days a week, in any situation, with no exceptions, there is no situation or moment in time where you cannot live by your core values. So if you’re in a situation and you think, Oh, I couldn’t live by my values in that situation, then you’re not really thinking of value to think of something that’s dependent on something else. For example, a classic example is family. People think of family as a value. But your family has to cooperate in some way for you to live by that value. I mean, you have to have a family to live by that value. And that’s something that can be taken away from you. Or it’s people that might not cooperate, even if you’re doing everything right. Whereas if say the value was to be courageous, you can always be courageous with your family, you can be courageous in a prison cell, you can be courageous in a war, in be courageous on holiday doesn’t matter where you are, you can always find some uncomfortable thing to do. So basically, you know, it’s not a core value, if you can’t control it at all times. And if you didn’t come up with it yourself. So enough of what it isn’t, what is a core value. Core values are a set of principles that guide your decision making, like a compass, pointing towards true north, they give integrity intentions to your actions. So they have words like curiosity, honesty, courage, they have an intention that has a clear sort of practical guidance was it but it’s a fluid, practical guidance that will match the context you’re in. So when you’re living by core value, in any given situation, you’re going to look at that situation, you’re going to judge which value is called for right here. And now what’s the best side of that diamond that I need to be accessing. And then once you’ve chosen which application of their value is most appropriate for the city, and sometimes there’ll be the first time you’ve ever done this action, even though you’ve lived by this value many times before. For example, if you imagine you’re in a basic conflict, and the value is assertiveness, while assertiveness is going to be a lot different if the person’s being violent to if they’re just being verbal. Right? Certainly this is not the same thing in those situations. And even if the person is being violent if it’s a three year old toddler being violent, or if it’s a fully grown man, again, different actions are required. So the situation might have some stability like in confrontations you’re always assertive and curious, and respectful. But how you do it this time? Depends depends What’s happening? The key elements core values is that you’re in the moment thoughts and feelings don’t really matter. And that is to say that your core values come from that compass of integrity, this kind of inner thing that’s deeper than your emotions deeper than your beliefs. You’ve had it since you’re a little kid, you are in touch with it once, many, many years ago. And then you got conditioned and programmed to live a different way. But you can live by it without necessarily being on board with it up here. Let’s say for example, that you’re really stressed and tired. And you don’t want to be compassionate about your child’s, you know, sore knee right now. But you can still get down on one knee and put a plaster on and kiss them on the heating still behave compassionately, even though you’re not really on board with it in terms of thoughts and feelings. Or you can stand up for yourself, even if you’re feeling scared, or you can take responsibility for your life, even if you’re feeling lazy. And the thoughts in your head say just leave it till tomorrow. So quite often living by core values, especially the uncomfortable times, it’s about going against your thoughts and feelings, contradicting them with behavior that you know, at a deeper level is the right thing to do. A very simplistic way of looking at it is our core values are about doing what’s right, rather than what’s easy. Your values in general will be personal to you. And they will align with your whole life experience and your interpretation of life. What you believe is right in good, what you believe is healthy, what you believe or sought you out in the long term. Even if a sacrifice is short term wins. It’s sensible in terms of well being of everyone involved as best as possible. And it matches how you would like to be treated by others. It matches how you’d like everyone to behave. It’s kind of your ideal person, that you being. When you look at people that you admire and respect and you consider them to be good. They are representing what you think your core values are. And when you look at people who you think of is unhealthy or evil, harmful wrong, they’re contradicting your core values, their behaviors, and their intentions are the opposite of what you think you should be doing yourself. Your core values should be easily translated into behavior. If you’ve got a core value, this is really conceptual, and you don’t know what to do with it, that’s not really helpful. It needs to be something that as soon as the word comes up in a given moment, you know what to do next. So for example, if the value is responsibility, then you can have a basic definition that it’s solution focused. So if you’re gonna live by the value of responsibility, you’re looking for a problem and how to solve it. Right, very quickly, you’re gonna be looking at practical behaviors. Core values often require short term discomfort. And this is where I think most people lose track, most people are trying to stay comfortable all the time and having to agree and those two just don’t go together. Right, you got to earn integrity, you got to pay up front for a good life. If you’re comfortable all the time, there’s a good chance you’re breaching your core values. If for example, I’ve got a core value like curiosity, which I do. And in good times just means learning and having fun taking on new information. But in tough times, it means being humble, it means admitting that I’m wrong. It means opening up beliefs I’ve had for years and allowing them to be challenged. So every value I can possibly think of will, I promise you this cause moments of discomfort for you. And that discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong, it actually means you’re doing it right values quite often sacrifice short term gratification for long term delayed reward. Living by your core values is like taking care of your future self doing what he will wish that you had done. Now, if you look back to yourself 10 years ago, and you think of all the things you wish that that person had done differently, those are all breaches of your core values, right? That person set you up to fail that made life harder for you. When we look at core values or integrity as you’re making your future selves life much easier by putting in the hard work now, for example, eating healthy, you’d just much rather eat ice cream and chocolate. But that obese version of you in 10 years is going to really regret that. So you either sell it instead so that that vision of the 10 years can play with their kids without running out of energy. A wise man once put it to me like this, be the man you hope your daughter brings home one day and he can reverse this based on gender you know, be the woman that you hope your son brings home one day, there’s certain things you can think of as if this was another person that you met what would make you go back then as a decent pervert like I wish everyone was like this person. And I mean looking beyond sort of sappy fawning people pleaser or someone with lots of materialistic gains, but they were you know, Machiavellian and, and harmful to get those gains. But the person themselves is so admirable, so easy to respect. You look to them for guidance you trust everything they say, how do you become that person? What principles? Does that person live by consistently? What kind of behaviors are you likely to see by them in common situations, that’s the kind of thinking when it comes to core values, what you’re looking for is to be the type of person that even if you lost the outcome, you go to bed happy with yourself, which is basically what confidence is. So let’s say you quit your job, because they’re asking you to compromise yourself. Now, you might go to bed a bit worried about money that night, but not worry about your integrity, you’re not worried that you’re going to you guys will compromise your integrity before you know how it feels later on. Such a pussy. You know, like, if only I’d say that thing, that if only that was worth it, I wish I could just, you know, those kinds of feelings eat you alive. That’s the absence of confidence, that shame. But if you’re like, Okay, I lost that one. But I lost with integrity, I would have had to compromise myself to win. So it’s not worth it. And as I said, integrity is just living this way more often than you don’t you aim for 100%, you never quite get there. But you fall somewhere close, and you’ll be a very confident person. Rule of thumb is a few living with integrity more than 80% of the time, but you can rest assured you’re going to be very confident. And actually, that other 20% is pretty easy to make gains on when you’re already at 80. And I’ll be harsh with most of you here. The reason I do this work, and the reason I have clients, because most people are nowhere near 80. Most people significantly compromise their core values, either because they don’t know them to an awareness problem, or because they’re too scared to live by them. It’s a courage problem. Right? Those are the two main issues I work with, with my clients. And I look around in the world and I just see so much evidence that people are breaching their own values. To me, it’s obvious the way they had to justify their behaviors, the way they binge on things to make themselves feel better. The way they avoid stuff that they know they want. Like, it’s just obvious to me. But you get that number up, you get up to 70 to 80% of the time, your behavior lines with those values, you can rest assured you’re going to feel pretty good about yourself. And of course, if you’d like to accelerate the process and get there really quickly, I by the end of this year, get in touch dan@brojo.org. And we’ll talk about coaching, what I’m going to do now is give you a very practical exercise, to figure out what your core values are and how to live by them. So that you can build integrity and therefore become a self confident person. Now my philosophical opinion on this is that core values are innate, I think we do develop them through experience. And the way we’re treated gives us a definition of the core values, but I think we born with them. And I wouldn’t be surprised if somewhere down the track. It’s scientifically proven that core values enhance survival rates or something like that. But for now, it’s just an opinion. So I think we’re born with them. I’ve seen it. So often when I’m watching infants and toddlers, they clearly living by these values that nobody taught them. They’re just driven from the inside. And then I also see through parenting and schooling, they get conditioned out of living by these things, they learn another way, a way that’s more convenient to others in a way that’s you know, compromises who they are. And we end up very confused and depressed as we get older because of this conflict, what I call the authenticity gap, the distance between who you are being and who you know, you should be. So now ask you some questions. And what I want you to do is after I’ve asked the question, pause and at least think about the answers. If you’re not going to go as far as writing them down, at least think about them before you move on to the next question. Now, there’s a couple of reasons for this. One is that my intention behind these questions, I’m going to hide that from you until the end, has not to be deceptive. It’s so that I don’t skew your answers, I want your answers to be pure and just come from whatever natural place they come from, in your mind. And then I’m going to reveal that there’s a kind of trick behind these questions that’s designed to elicit certain information about your core values that you may not have seen come. So when it comes to your answers, try and keep them in a kind of bullet point format, you know, one word, two word answers, or a little little examples, you know, you might not have a word for it. But you can think of a time that somebody did it or you did it that answers the question as well. And as many as you can think of, because somewhere in that list is going to be pieces of your core values in your integrity, that stuff you’ve known since you were a kid. And then at the end, I’m going to show you how to extract what the core values from those answers that you give. So just freestyle it for now, and we’ll finesse a later. First question. What makes someone a good person? Now this is just your opinion. Right? I don’t mean objectively. I don’t mean what the Church says. I mean, what do you think makes someone a good person? Take a moment to think of all the characters sticks that someone would need to have for you to qualify them as a good person. All right, you answered their last question. Next one, what makes you admire someone? When I say in my I mean look up to them, like they are a role model like you want to be like them. So this is different to respect respect as you see someone the same as you and you think it’s good behavior, right? You both do it. Admire as they doing behavior you wish you did, or they’re being a certain person that you wish you were, you’re looking up. So think of some people that you look up to, and might not be you look up to the whole person, because they’re a flawed human being. But they sometimes do things that you admire. Or you might just think more in general terms, you can’t put a face to it. You don’t know exactly what you’re talking about being thing a certain behaviors that you wish you could do more of and you know, other people can do it, that kind of thing. But do not think about materialistic gains, okay, so you don’t admire someone because the rich, anybody could have a hoard of gold, maybe stolen, maybe killed babies to get their money. That’s not why you admire him. But maybe he was really determined to make their fortune is that determination that you wish you had? Get my drift. Think of the things you admire, again, make a bullet point list. Next question, Who do you envy? And why do you envy them? So when we talking about envy, now we’re talking about the materialistic stuff a little bit, we’re talking about the gains in the rewards and the outcomes and the results. Alright, so who is it that you look at and they have the route the result that you want? And you envy them for them? Because you don’t have that result? And why do you envy them? What was it about perhaps the way that they got that result? That you’re bitter about? Okay, that’s what I want you to be digging for. Somebody has what you wish you had. And you’ve got a story in your head. They’re why they have it. And that story upsets you. Again, you might think of examples of bullet points, the kinds of things that you would envy someone for? And why you would have that even be the final question, the dark one. Who do you hate? A why? Now, a lot of people are repelled by this question, especially people pleasers. I don’t hate anyone, which is bullshit. But let’s just say you really don’t feel like you hate anyone, at least look at behaviors that you despise, surely you can think of some activity that you wouldn’t want happening to you that you wish people didn’t do. Think of the kind of actions or the kind of people that does bother you a lot that in your secret heart of hearts, you’d be okay with them disappearing forever. Once you list out who those people are, what kind of things they do that makes you feel that way about them. We’re looking for traits and characteristics of the people you hate. So if you’ve answered all those questions, and I know that probably 75% of you haven’t, but it’s just the way these things go. Now, I’m going to tell you why ask those questions so that you can figure out how to extract your core value information from so again, if you haven’t answered the questions, and you’ve gotten to this point, you’re not going to get any information about your values for the rest of this. Okay, so maybe go back and answer. When I asked you what does it mean to be a good person, there’s a couple of things I’m looking for one is just your morality. But mostly what I find is when I asked someone wasn’t meant to be a good person, they see me consciously list the traits they already think they have. This is what I call soft values. Soft doesn’t mean that they’re not core values, so that they undermined anyway, just the easy to live by. Most people have a story and narrative in their head about why they are a good person. Even those who contradicting Li have the story about being not good enough. We are generally the hero in our own story, even if it’s the underdog. So we look at what we do. And we consider ourselves to be the good person most of the time. It’s very rare that this person actually sees themselves as a bad person. They may see themselves as judged as a bad person by others, but they still secretly see themselves as the hero. So for example, when I’m working with nice guys and people pleasers, and they ask them, what’s it mean to be a good person, I get all these kinds of compassionate, nice values coming through. They’re loyal, they’re kind, they’re caring, they’ve considerate of other people, you know, they don’t cause any harm, these kinds of things often come up. And what the nice guy is doing is describing themselves, or at least his self projected, in a view, it’s what he thinks he is. Now, it’s not to say that there aren’t values in there. But what we’re seeing in there, whatever values are in there, you probably either find them easy to live by, or you’re lying to yourself about living by them with your answer and what it means to be a good person as you’re extracting. What are the things in here that I do frequently without any discomfort? I find this really easy to do. And then what are the ones that I know I should be doing? And I lie to myself about how often or sort of how purely I actually do these things that you might say you’re really giving, but if you look at carefully, you only give if you’re going to get something in return. Which means it’s kind of tainted giving. So the values giving, but the methodology is a bit sick. So that’s what you’re looking for in a good personal question. When asked you about who you admire, I’m looking for your hard values. And by hard I mean, they’re hard to live by. Alright, they are emotionally difficult for you live by them. And therefore you’re very inconsistent or even non existent when it comes to these values. We only look up to people when they’re doing what we aren’t doing. And we know we should be doing it. So what you’re looking for here is the values that if you could just push a certain courage button, you know that that’s what you’d prefer to do you wish you were like that, you might have a very good excuse as to why you’re not like that, you might think it’s impossible, you might think the punishments too severe, whatever. But deep down, you know, this is what I wish I was, this is how this is the kind of people I look up to. Again, if I’m working with a nice guy, this is where things like being courageous and assertive and not giving a fuck what people think and so on. That’s where this stuff comes up. Because that’s what he secretly wishes he was more of next I had the Envy question. And the Envy question is a tricky one, it doesn’t work out the same for everybody. But the point of it is to figure out what story you tell yourself to excuse yourself from living by core values. Classic example, let’s say you sort of single and lonely, and you’re envious of people who just don’t seem to struggle with dating, they just find it really easy to meet someone and get something going. And the story you tell yourself that makes you envious is that they have some sort of advantage that good looking, they’re tall, they’re rich. They’re, you know, blessed with communication skills, you name some story about why it’s easier for them than it is for you. I mean, that’s what envy really is. They have an advantage. I am disadvantaged as the I’m disadvantage story. The point of this question is to help you open your mind. And this is a difficult door to open to the idea that you make up bullshit excuses to avoid addressing your core value problems. Let’s say you see the guy and he’s crushing it with gills in a way that you’re not and you’re like, Ah, he’s just this and then this and then and I’m disadvantaged and he’s advantaged. It’s a story that helps you overlook the fact that he’s more courageous than you’ll be. And you actually have the value of courage in how many girls did you actually go and talk to in the last month as the answer is zero. Because that’s not his problem. It’s yours. Right? You’re not disadvantaged if you could be doing their society where you look past the story, that you’re the victim, and that you’ve had a shit handout to you. And go if I didn’t see the world this way. Imagine that that guy has the results I wish I had. And he’s actually the same as me, but just living by values more than I am. What are those values? What’s he doing that I’m not that I could be doing? If you can get past that in the bike tonic, that poison we drink, to make ourselves feel better, and go, You know what this is on me live by the value of responsibility and go, I’m the one that causes my results. And even if other people have an advantage, there’s a real good chance, I’m still not living by my values to 100% yet, so there’s still work I could do before I can say this is unfair. Right? And that’s what you’re looking for, like one of the bullshit stories you tell yourself to let yourself off the hook, from even looking at what values you’re not loving boy? And last question, the hate question. Consider this the anti value question, sometimes you can figure out what your values are, by looking at what you know, they definitely are not. Right. So if you see someone being, you know, violence, and you consider that to be something you hate, they may be being compassionate or gentle or respectful as your core value. Right? If you think somebody’s tricking people and deceiving them to get what they want, or something you hate, there may be honesty as your value. But if you see someone who always avoids difficult things, and it’s just like wasting their life complaining and bitching, there may be responsibilities of value, or maybe courage is the value. It might be you that you hate, it might be behaviors in yourself that you hate. Well try it think what’s the opposite, because it’s probably in the realm of my core values. So once you’ve picked out all the key words, from your answers, you’ve got your first draft a list, maybe five to 10 core values that might potentially be the kind of recipe for your integrity and therefore your confidence. It’s very much a rough draft at the stage because it’s going to require behavioral experimentation to figure out which of these is legit, which of these is the most important work on? You know, what is the exact definition that I should be applying to turn this into practical actions and so on. But what you’re looking for is that they meet all the criteria of a core value, okay? The outcome independent, right? It doesn’t matter what the result is. It’s about the intention and the behavior. You can live by them 24 So given any situation, you could look by any of these values, and that they kind of your ideas are not conditioning, I don’t mean that you can’t be inspired, you know, I’m going to give you plenty of practical core value ideas. But they’re ones that you feel aligned with your experience and your rational view of the world and your philosophy, not somebody told you, you should be doing this. And then if we go, okay, I’ll just do that then. So once you got these words, you want to get them down to one or two words, each one words even better. Try and add a practical definition, a little dictionary definition, that would guide your behavior are kind of principle of how you would live by their value. So that at any given time, you can bring up the core value, read the principle and go, Okay, I know what I need to do next, or at least I’ll be able to guess. For example, one of my core values is honesty. And the definition is very simple. Speak your mind and do what you think is right. So as soon as I’m in any situation, I know speaking, my mind is the noise is already in there, just it’s got to come out of my mouth. It’s very practical guidance. Now, it’s gonna be something different every single time, it’s not a rule that I’m following. It’s just a principle. Same with courage is choose the uncomfortable option. That’s my definition of courage. It’s very easy to look at my options and go, which one is least comfortable emotionally, for me, that one, I guess I’m doing that, then I move forward on it, and so on. So whatever you would try and come up with a definition, again, it’s just a draft that you’re gonna work on over time, of what it would mean to turn that word into a behavior. And then comes the experimentation phase, choose one a day to do deliberately, you might pre plan it like, you’re gonna go and have a confrontation with your boss, or you might just kind of prime yourself like today is honesty day, and let’s just look for opportunities to be more honest. And you’re going to journal about it at the end of the day, how the experience went, what you learned about the value from your experience, you’re going to calibrate your definitions, okay, means more of this. And Lisa, that that wasn’t a good example, that made me feel good about myself. So it’s probably more of this, that kind of calibration over time, until you get to know your core values very, very well through this back and forth, like experiment and review. Now, of course, you can do this kind of work on your own. But if you want to do it in a really refined and accelerated manner, get in touch dan@brojo.org. And we’ll get you in touch with your integrity ASAP. I’m going to give you a list of potential core values with examples and definitions. For those of you who might struggle to come up with them on your own and need a little kind of Headstart, I’ve previously given you a method for figuring out your own core values. But sometimes we need training wheels. I mean, when I first started my own core value work, I took this list off the internet like 20 words, and over time, sort of identified which ones don’t apply to me and what I need to change about them, and so on. But starting with a blank page was too hard for me. So I don’t want you to have to start with a blank page, either. I’m gonna give you some of the ones that are my own personal ones. But more importantly, ones that I see consistently come up with people over and over again, when they do this work. I don’t think all core values are totally universal. But it does seem like, shall we say decent people who are trying to make the world a better place, tend to share a lot of the same values. So a lot of the ones I’ll share in this video, I’ve seen a lot of people use them a lot of the time to have a good life. What can I say? Call them the opinion. So I’ve identified six that I live by, or at least keep top of mind most of the time. And basically, I’ve found that if I’m living consistently by all six, I have a great life. And if one or more of them are dropping off, I start to feel suffering on his curiosity, kind of in the state of looking for an even better truth. It starts with the principle that I don’t really know anything for certain there’s so kradic principle, this idea that I’m never at my top possible potential performance, that I never know everything that I could know that I could always be better, I could always be wiser. And also holding on to the idea that I definitely believe things that are untrue. I’m just not sure what they are until it’s proven wrong. So I need to be looking to be proven wrong as often as possible. And he’s be constantly learning and investigating and open and taking my time with information to sift through it skeptically to find out what’s real. Curiosity has served me very well. It’s one of my soft values. It’s one of the ones I’ve always had naturally without having to try particularly hard and it doesn’t cause me much discomfort. Some people stubborn sort of, or arrogant or strong willed people curiosity as a hard value. It’s hard for them to open their mind admit to being wrong and so on. But I think it’s pretty fair to say they’re being curious is a pretty good value for having a good life because you’re always look Paying for a better solution. You’re always looking for more information that’s going to be helpful. You’re always getting to know people deeper, be pretty hard to see how that would lead to a worse life than staying close minded. My next one is courage. Courage does not mean being fearless because fearlessness requires no courage. Courage is you do the thing you’re afraid of doing. And you actually have an increase of discomfort and fear sensations at both the thought of doing it and and the actual action of doing it. Basically, you know, there’s that old saying, everything you want is on the other side of fear, I believe most of our fears are irrational and unhelpful. And therefore, being courageous often gets us to a better position often gets us to a higher place of well being a better quality of life, higher self confidence. And it’s kind of the most fundamental pillar of confidence itself, like Being courageous is half your job done. When it comes to being confident, if you will always push yourself to do the thing you’re scared of doing, you’ll just feel confident in that alone. And you can of course, add to this with more values. But courage means choosing the uncomfortable option, choosing the healthy meal over the tasty one, it means talking to the person rather than hiding in the corner. Alright means applying for the job that’s out of your league, rather than just taking whatever your cousin gets you. Just looking for this slightly pushed option, you don’t need to be terrified, but just your heart beats a little bit, it gets a bit hot, you’d rather not do it. But you know, it’s right for you. Again, you’d be hard pressed to convince me that being a coward leads to the best possible life in the long run effect. I’ve just seen too much evidence of the opposite of people who are cowardly, in avoiding risk all their lives end up in the worst possible positions in terms of health, wealth and relationships. Honesty, was a hard value for me is now a natural one. But it was the hardest. And honesty is really simple. My words, and my actions align with what I believe is the truth in my head. I do not deliberately deceive or lie, I don’t give an impression. That doesn’t match who I really think of myself as in the inside. It’s this idea that if someone was to read my journal, they wouldn’t be surprised by what they saw on there. If they knew me, well, you know, they wouldn’t see a contradiction, that if people watched me over lots of different situations, they’d see the same guy turning up this consistency, they could predict me easily what I’m going to say and what I’m going to do, because I consistently act according to my own truth, and therefore my behavior is consistent. But generally just means speaking my mind, especially when it’s confrontational, specially when the reaction is unlikely to be awesome. That’s when honesty really counts the most. Now, this one’s much more hotly debated, I think, in terms of a quality of life, a lot of people think that some dishonesty is required to have a good life, I’ve actually got a separate piece where I debunk all the arguments against honesty. For now, I’ll just say of all the values have ever worked with on myself to others, I have yet to find one that does more good for your life. Weaver. If you’ve been dishonest prior to this honesty, he’s going to have to wreck what you’ve built first, in case he may lose friends, you may need to change jobs, you might even have to move. But once everything’s corrected, you’ll find that honesty creates the best results. And if I was to say courage was the main pillar of confidence, honesty is the finishing touches. Honesty is where you have complete alignment with your sense of self that doesn’t feel like any of their breaking apart their dissonance, that split personality that comes when you’re fake with others. And you got to separate truth on the inside. When that is one thing, when what comes out of your mouth matches with what’s on the inside. There’s just this great sense of well being and freedom and safety that comes from it. Except it’s one of my heart values, I really struggle to accept things. And acceptance means letting go of what I cannot control. So first identifying what I can’t control or should not try to control because it’s not worth it. And then letting it go letting it be making no effort to put an influence and if anything acceptances and absence of action, or redirection towards different actions, allowing people to have whatever reaction they want to have to what I’ve said, you know, waiting patiently for the immigration service to do their part of the paperwork because nothing I do will hurry them along anyway. You know, taking time off from the gym because I’ve got an injury, these are all acts of acceptance where I don’t fight against reality. I don’t fight a war that I can’t win or that it isn’t my fight it isn’t the thing I want to die for. And I just let it go even though it bothers me. Let’s say of all the values I’ve got currently, this is the one I fall down on the most. Next one I’ve got is respect. My definition of respect is live and let live so simply means that I will let you be you. As long as that doesn’t interfere or harm me being me. It’s like we live on two properties with a fence in the middle. So I’ll let you on On your side of the fence, I will not try and fuck with you, I will not try to undermine or discourage you or do anything to influence you away from what you think is right. But if anything you do comes over my side of the fence and does damage, then I’m going to act, I’m going to act very strongly just to get you back over the fence and no further respect is about self respect as well. Okay, so it’s not just about other people, but do I behave in a way where I’m treating myself as if I’m a person I feel respect for self Well, am I being kind to myself? Am I holding myself to account to do the things I know I should be doing? These are all examples of respect. You know, classic example in my life is that I’m an atheist, and my wife is Catholic, I do absolutely nothing to try and convince her to be an atheist. So long as she does nothing to try and convince me to be a Catholic, I’ll let her do whatever she needs to do, I’ll drop her off at church, I’ve no problem with any of that stuff happening. But if she was to try and get me to believe what’s in the Bible, I’m going to argue against it until she stops. Now, we don’t actually have that problem. But that’s a great example for me to respect you, do you, I’ll do me, we’re not harming each other, let’s just leave it in the last of my six should be the first really responsibility. That is I own my life, and I need to make things happen to me. My life is my job, nobody else’s. I’m not a victim. I’m not dependent. I can work with others. But the leadership is mine, I have to initiate, I have to make things happen. I do not sit around waiting. It’s kind of like the opposite of acceptance in a way, which is probably why this one is so strong being acceptance, so difficult, but it’s just not playing the victim. It’s solving the problem that is in your life, because it’s your problem, even if someone else caused it, the solution is still yours. So responsibility also means I make other people take responsibility for themselves. So I’m not, it’s not my job to make you feel better. It’s not my job to clean up your mess, and so on. But I’ll clean up my bit, my mess, and I’ll manage my emotions. And here are some others that come up quite a lot with my clients. Giving the definition will be something like always trying to make the situation better, behaving as if you are overflowing with resources, whatever those resources might be, and you share the excess with others. But it also means giving to yourself, if your cup is half empty, you got to fill it up before you start taking care of others, right you put your mask on before you help the child in the plane next year. So giving has also the internal element of it as well. But giving just means you go into any situation, your first thought is how do I improve the situation, not to get anything in return. Because that’s not giving that’s trading. But just for the joy of having lists up a little corner of the world for your own satisfaction to know I have a positive influence where I go, when it comes up a lot, assertiveness. Now, assertiveness is not the same as aggression. Aggression is I try to dominate you and control you and influence you the service as I just stop you doing that stuff to me, I hold the line, kind of like what I was talking about was respect before I’ve got my property boundary. And if you start to cross it, you will be pushed back, I won’t hurt you. I’ll do minimum necessary force to keep you on your side of the fence. I’ll resist you. So assertiveness is a resistance to compromising your integrity. So when somebody tries to compromise you, you say stop, and you push back until they stop. Now, this is going to be limited by your situation and your power. But you do it to the limit of what you’ve got. In the end, they could tie you to a chair and talk to you. You still don’t have to give up the information, you still don’t have to agree with the right surgeon. This means you hold true to what you believe is right. Without trying to tell others what they should think about what’s right. Presents, there’s probably lots of other words you could use for this one. This is about being in the present moment, paying attention, dealing with what is really happening. It’s actually a kind of rationality. It’s where you let go of remorse for the past and anticipate a worries about the future and you deal with what is actually happening at face value. It also means paying attention like if I’m playing with my daughter, I’m not on my phone, I just play with my daughter, that would be prisons. It means if I’m trying to figure out whether or not I can afford to buy this new car, I’m looking at my current finances, not imagining what my finances might be in the future. But is this in the moment paying attention to what’s real and making decisions based on their generosity, again, and so we’re very similar to giving and a lot of these values have overlap. But generosity is about assuming the best kind of optimism. Think of like you’re arguing with someone. You could interpret what they’re saying as a malicious attack on you. Or you could interpret it as a fuddled attempt to try and be truthful without any malicious intent. generosity will be choosing option be going, You know what I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and treat you as if deep down underneath all of this. You’re trying your best to be a good person, and of generosity of spirit, you might call it but this treating people as if their best self is somewhere in there and it’s available and also towards yourself as well. You know, if you go to the gym, you don’t say I only did nine pull ups, you say, well, at least you went to the gym and he gave it a go and pull ups are embarrassing to do in front of people was brave of you to do nine. That’s a generous assessment of yourself. It’s not beyond what actually happened. You’re not being falsely positive, just being optimistic and you’re measuring generously what is real. Hello, surprise, one to end with ruthlessness. Now again, you could use a different word for this ruthless doesn’t necessarily mean harmful. Okay, it’s just an absolute lack of tolerance for certain things. And I do believe ruthlessness is a value that is required for some people to live by. And everyone at some point in time, it is the best move forward to be ruthless. For me. Ruthless means zero tolerance for something toxic. It means the most brutal behavior needed to put a complete end to something harmful. It’s kind of like assertiveness on steroids. So ruthless might be cutting off someone who has betrayed you. Right? Ruthless might be firing 10 of your employees because the company just requires us in order to survive, right and doing it quickly and efficiently without sugarcoating it. Sometimes ruthlessness is the healthiest move forward, that everyone involved on average, it’s just got to be done, you can’t be a great leader without being ruthless. So those are just some examples of the common kind of values that come up with my coaching work. And of course, my own personal values, which I’m going to be skewed towards and think of awesome, of course, because they’re my ones. But I encourage you to pick and choose and decide for yourself, you can even experiment with all of them and see which ones kind of catch your attention and feel great, in which ones feel like you’re addressing long sustained problems that you should have addressed a long time ago. And then of course, you can develop them, you might change the word, you might change the meaning of the definition until it feels more you. And if you’re finding this work difficult, and you want some help to make it clear and simple. So you know what you need to do tomorrow to have integrity, get in touch dan@brojo.org. And my coaching will help make this crystal clear. All values the business. Now I’ve already covered like personal core values and core values in general, I want to look now specifically a vocation, your career, your job, your business, whatever you want to call it, the wealth element of your life. So whether you’re an entrepreneur or an owner, or an employee, I do believe some core values serve you better than others do in terms of which you should focus on. Now, this is just my opinion, I am an entrepreneur, myself, I’ve also been an employee, I’ve climbed up through management, so on and so forth. Of course, I’ve coached a lot of people in career development. And there’s certain values I’ve seen just have more success than others. So in this video, I’m looking at their collaboration between your integrity and also getting the kind of results you want, because they aren’t mutually exclusive. But as I’ve said, this is just my opinion that a lot of people are going to disagree with some of the things I’ve said here, it’s up to you to decide for yourself. Number one, I’ve got to say responsibility. Perhaps the best career advice I ever got was just, it was just the timing. And the way gave me an insight was somebody said to me, no one gives a fuck about your career as much as you do. And it was this wake up call. Because at that time, I’d been relying on a lot of people, I was hoping for this to happen, hoping someone would invite me to this and offer me that and support me with this and encouraged me with that. I was kind of like a baby waiting to be raised up by parents in my career. And somebody made it clear like, No, you’re a fucking adult. And all these people, every decision they make is going to be about their own career, even if they’re helping you. It’s because they think it’s best for themselves doesn’t mean that they’re selfish or self centered. Exactly. It just means when it comes to their work, they’re going to be most motivated by what works for them, even if it’s subconscious, and just kind of woke me up to this idea that if I want my career to go, Well, if I want to enjoy what I do for a job or a vocation, I have to make that happen and figure out what it is and I have to go after it with some goddamn balls and some risk taking and some cleverness, right? This idea that I can wait around for something to come to me and then people will take care of me that my company likes me and would never hurt me. Those are delusions and they’re dangerous delusions. That’s a victim mindset as they are I need to rely on others. Your company doesn’t care about you. Your clients will turn on you if you don’t provide the value that you’re supposed to provide, your business will not grow itself. So you have to get out there and knock on some doors and make some phone calls, right? That’s responsibility. Patience. I think a lot of people make short term knee jerk decisions out of fear for their finances, and so on and so forth. And they never see what it’s like to build something over the long term. Now, of course, you got to put food on your table. But you’d be surprised if you cut back on the luxuries. how little you need to do that. If you want to develop a great vocation, it is going to take time iterations experiments, you’re going to get things wrong, you’re going to hit a few dead ends, as you sample and experiment and grow your way towards what you’re trying to build. Right? It might take years from when you started, to where you’re at, like, give you a sense of my coaching business. For the first five years, I went to people to offer my coaching services. It wasn’t until after five years about now even longer, maybe seven years of every week putting videos on YouTube, that people started to come to me from watching my videos. Right. And now, people come to me a lot from watching my videos. So that took a long time to grow. Maybe it could have been done quicker by someone who knows more than me, sure. But if I hadn’t been patient, if I hadn’t at the start of building my coaching business, say like at least wait five years before you decide if this is going to work out or not. You know, if I hadn’t had that long term vision in mind, I would have given up really quickly because the first couple of years were rough, more controversial one, honesty, it’s pretty much universally accepted by most people that you need to kind of lie and trick your way up to the top or to wherever it is you want to go. Whether it’s deceptive marketing, or talking shit in your job interview or people pleasing your boss, people are deceptive in the career space all the time. And I really don’t think that this works very well. It has a limited upside, your boss will think you’re a nice person, you’ll trick a few people enter being clients, you’ll get the job that you’re not qualified for maybe. But then what what happens over the long term, what happens when you get a bad reputation, or you get squashed for being a people pleaser and you can’t move up, and nobody respects you. Or when you get the job that you shouldn’t have, you know, then one more lying, imposter syndrome. I think deception is short sighted. It leads you into positions we actually out of alignment. When people lie their way through their careers, they usually end up with a job they hate. It’s a dumb final position, they end up and I mean, I work with a lot of people to have this problem. They played the game. And it turns out, they didn’t want to actually win their game, the price sucks. If you’re honest, either from the start or from now on forwards, it will be a bit of a slower move, it’s harder to get forward. But once you get moving, it becomes very simple and quite easy. Because you never have to hide you never have to think you never have to play any sort of Machiavellian political games. You just are who you are. And your vocation will have to adapt to that. By it’s not the only value you need to live by and writing needs to live by some of the others we talk about. But if you’re honest as possible all the way through, then in the long run, you end up in the best possible position. You might have to sacrifice some short term wins, though, determination. Similar to patience. I guess I’m maybe I’m repeating myself a little but I found that building something great requires perseverance. And that there is no way to avoid big pockets of shall we say adversity. All right. I’ve never known a successful entrepreneur in the long term, who hasn’t had rough years, or at least rough weeks, who hasn’t been lost and confused and broke numerous times. But just keep going just held on to the vision and just got up another day and had another crack at it until they got out of the valley. Right? There’s too many people who leave at the bottom of the valley. They think this didn’t work, I’m out I bail or I just succumb to this thing. And I give up. Rather than going like just more perseverance, time served stay on track. And eventually you can climb out of this rut that sometimes the ruts feel very long. I’ve had whole years that were rough, but I’m so glad I waited and got through them. And what I learned in those years is so much more valuable than what I learned in the good years. Generosity. People are very scarce in their careers trying to get mine, you know, as they’re trying to give to others. And when they give to others, it’s always transactional is to get more for themselves. And that gets you only so far, right? Eventually, that approach gives you a limited reputation, get to limited kind of results for your clients and so on. Generosity is about understanding that your value, whether it’s as an employee or an entrepreneur provider, is your ability to solve problems for other people. That’s all a business really is, it’s a problem solving device. Okay, it solves a problem for others. So if you try to solve that problem for others as much as you possibly can beyond what you’re asked to do, where instead of fixating on getting your bank account filled or getting your status, you fixate on solving problems for others who kind of do well go ahead, ask any millionaire entrepreneur, whether they think what I just said is a good idea. Go on us. And on top of generosity, you might use the value of service. Okay? This idea of, I’m always looking to provide similar to the generosity idea, again, I’m repeating myself, but when I say servers, I mean, you’re looking for the best win win situation, in every interaction you have, the more competitive Doggy Dog types are looking for the win, lose, I win, you lose, I beat you over to client, I get your money, and I get more from your money than you get from me. Right? At work made as I get promoted and you don’t, right? Whereas services like how do I make sure we both come out better off because of this interaction? How do I lift us both up? That cheesy, Win Win idea, but actually looking for it? Instead of competing? With your work, man? How do you make sure you both get promoted into something good. So trying to take from your client? How do you make sure you both feel like you got the best deal, right and looking for that, and try to act on it as often as possible. Humility, you can see this absence and corporations, when they get too big, they stop listening to their customers, and they just stagnate. Their growth dips off pretty considerably because they’re not trying to improve anymore. They don’t adapt like a small business or an entrepreneur mind. But if you just constantly humble yourself and think I could always be doing better, there’s always more I could learn. And you just keep that although I’m probably wrong about something who knows what it is, I’ve got to look out for that. If you just keep that in mind all the time, then the only possible outcome is constant improvement. How’s that a bad thing for your career. And last on my list, though, there of course, more values, you can come up with assertiveness. You must protect your career, your art, your vocation, because there are people out there who would take it from you and ruin it and use you. And it’s better to lose the job or lose the client tend to lose yourself. Too many people compromise themselves to keep a short term gain. If I just do what my boss asked me and work that unpaid overtime, listen, I keep my job, steer thinking big picture. If I stand up to my boss, either this job will improve. Or I’ll leave and find a better one. And in five years time, I will be so glad that I stood up to regardless of what happens, standing up for yourself standing up for your business standing up for your clients standing up for your staff, making sure nobody disrespects anybody else, including yourself. And if you want to learn the kind of art of bringing integrity into your career space, and still getting good results, that losing it all get in touch dan@brojo.org. And we’ll look at honest Korea Development, core values for good relationships. So I’ve already looked at personal core values and some other areas. Now I want to focus specifically on the kinds of values that you should bring to the fore and fixate on if you want your relationship to go well. So whether you’re single or dating or married, trying to make new friends reconnect with family. In my experience, as a coach where I focus a lot on social stuff, there’s just certain values that get more bang for buck than others. If you were to focus on these, you’re giving yourself the best possible chance. Now of course, these are just my opinions might not work out this way for you. You will have heard other advice that contradicts everything I’m saying. You have to just decide for yourself what feels right. First and foremost, the one that I harp on about my fucking obsession, honest, transparent, speak your mind, let everything be known no secrets type radical honesty. A lot of people will tell you that there’s certain levels of deception required, especially at the beginning, kind of getting to know stage whether it’s dating or meeting new people. I just don’t agree with that at all. I think the evidence has to contradictory to agree with that. Connection is not possible with lies. Because as soon as you’re being even slightly dishonest, that means you’re doing impression management, you’re putting forward an impression of yourself that does not exist. A false brand or mask and whatever relationship they form is going to be with the mask not with you. And if you want to get closer to them later, you’re gonna have to take the mask down and re educate them about who you are surely amazing. Scenes, just rational seeds, that if you gave them the real picture up front, then any relationship they formed with you does not need to be rebuilt later, does not need to be changed, you’re not going to surprise them with some unpleasant information later on. Because they’re getting what they signed up for right from the beginning. Now, yes, this will have a higher rejection rate than being false and people pleasing and seductive. Because you’re going to find out right away how people feel about you. But it’s just a delayed reaction, when you’re being false if you make someone like you, and they’re not really going to like the real you, but when you reveal it later, they’re still not going to like it. In fact, they’re going to be even more disappointed, because of the drop off from the first impression. You might seem a little dull or unattractive, or whatever it is in your eyes, when you just be real with people from the start. But if they like you for that, then you’re golden forever, you’re never gonna have to worry about losing them, because they signed up for the real thing. Plus, and I think this is the more important that you won’t lose yourself. It is better to go home alone, having been honest. And to go home with someone haven’t been deceptive. Be your own self confidence for your own long term enjoyment of life, your relationship with yourself is one that also needs to be considered at all times, because it’s the only one you’re going to have forever. There’s one relationship that you have your entire life and is the one with you. Honesty is the bridging of the gap between you and you, that observer and that actor, making sure that they’re the same person, a complete unification a perfect marriage, if you will. If you can unite those two people, then bringing someone else and just feels like a bonus extra curiosity, particularly when it comes to conflict resolution. Curiosity is the most generous and loving way forward, to work through your differences with someone and get to know them truly and deeply. If you come in with judgments and assumptions, no at all behavior, unwillingness to be budged, unwillingness to let someone else influence you. I don’t know how you imagine that that’s going to help you connect with people. I mean, how do you feel when others do that to you? And how do you feel when someone is just genuinely curious about you? I mean, how often has that even happened? So rare, isn’t it? Unless you run in particularly good circles, it’s rare that someone really gives a shit. sure people have interviewed you many times. But this is because they want to try and make it feel like you’re having a good conversation. But you know the difference when someone actually gives a shit when they are really interested in to what’s happening with you. As I’ve said in previous content, other people aren’t boring, you’re just not interested enough. Right? Get curious, find out, share, let them know you while you get to know them. And you’ll find that not only will you get to know each other really deeply. But when it comes to conflict, this is such a more effective approach to resolving conflict, then trying to beat them and dominate them and be aggressive respect resentments, the poison to our relationship, whether romantic or platonic, familial, whatever resentment kills when you start to secretly have problems with way other person behaves. And what I’ve found is often what you will feel is disrespected. And yet, there’s a really, really, really fucking good chance that you’re being disrespectful yourself. And then before you start addressing them on their faults and failings, you got to address your own, treating others how you wish they treated you. That’s what I think is the most relationship focused definition of respect. I don’t mean like, Okay, well, I’d run around giving everybody head, it’s much more about what would make you feel valued as a person, what would make you feel like someone loves you? What would make you feel like you have a loyal ally? list their behavior and go do that to your friends and family and partner? Right? Don’t wait for them to do it. First, you go first. And what you’ll be able to see quite quickly, is whether or not they reciprocate. So being respectful to others is a great test to figure out who you should actually have in your life if they do not reciprocate. And doesn’t need to be exact. But if they’re not putting in the effort the same way you are. There’s nothing else you need to measure. You don’t need to listen to the promises and the allies, their behavior doesn’t line up with what you consider to be respectful. When you told them this is what I want and they don’t deliver and you have been delivering. It’s time to find somebody else. On that note, acceptance. There is nobody you’re ever going to have in your life that is perfect. So while you should not tolerate harmful or toxic behavior, you are going to have to accept the humanity of others. Nobody is going to be perfectly Living with integrity, right, nobody’s always going to be what you thought they were going to be, nobody’s always going to be in a good mood, the people you’re going to have in your life long term are going to go through peaks and valleys. There’ll be times where they’re distant, there’ll be times where they’re depressed. There were times where they accidentally say something they shouldn’t have said and hurt your feelings. Learning to balance out acceptance with tolerance to know like, that’s just them being human, but they’re generally a good influence on me a good person to have in my life, they’re trying their best, they regret hurting me in that way. So on versus somebody’s like, this is actually harmful behavior overall, that this is beyond something I can accept. This is actually a bad verse. And for me, you know, there’s no clear cut rules that I can give you because it’s different for each person. But you got to look at your partner and I, okay, he leaves the toilet seat up. For her overall, he’s a great husband. So I guess I’m living with the guy leaves the toilet seat up. That’s just my life. Courage, in particular, the courage to have confrontations. See, depth in a relationship is not built on Good Times, it’s built on getting through hard times. Good times is like icing on the cake. He gives it the flavor, you got to have good times or otherwise, what’s the point of being with somebody? That being said, That’s not where depth comes from, I can have good times with someone I barely connect with. And you’ve done that before you’ve had somebody who was your drinking, buddy, are you in traveling with them, you had a great time. But that’s all. You don’t know them very well. If you’re left alone in the room together, it’s really awkward. There’s got to be more to it than that. The courage to bring up difficult things to talk about and to get through those conversations, and the courage to be humble as those conversations are happening and admit to being wrong when you’re wrong, and so on. The courage to let them have their emotional reaction and not try to control it, and maybe have to deal with them sulking for a while or even, you know, breaking up for a little while and then getting back together. Once it’s resolved. There’s lots of courage required to go deep somewhere. There’s risk taking, where we’re going to risk it all, to make sure that this resentment doesn’t build up, or this truth isn’t hidden, or there’s behavior doesn’t lead to betrayal, I’m going to take the risk, and if we can get through this risk will be stronger reasons. A lot of people they get to the end of their life, and you can look up the research on this. And then generally just regret not spending more time with loved ones. And the interviewer to look at their life. They actually spent many, many hours with their loved ones they lived with them, they went to grandparents every Sunday, the time spent is not the problem. What they’re really saying is they weren’t there when it was happening. They’re away with their worries or their thoughts or looking at their phone or worrying about the business or regretting the past or wishing there was somewhere else. And that’s why it feels like they didn’t spend enough time. When we say quality time we don’t really mean that the activities this amazing thing. You could have quality time just reading a book next to somebody. As long as you’re really there. When your partner goes to tell you about her day, fucking listen, and respond. Don’t just be like on either one of these stories. You’re going to regret feeling that way when your kid comes and shows you the 19th crayon drawing they’ve done this day and it’s just more scribbles. Ask them or what have you drawn here. Would you like to put it up on the fridge like be part of the process. If you can’t do that get out. But don’t do this wasted time thing because you will regret it later. Assertiveness we’ve already touched on confrontations. But assertiveness is about the boundary maintenance. So confrontation of setting of the boundaries. Assertiveness is actually the hard part. When behaviors start to creep over the boundary again, and you got to push them back, you might need to have the same uncomfortable conversation 1000 times in order to protect the relationship while then have their conversation 1000 times to protect the relationship. You might need to go and have a really uncomfortable moment with your kids teacher to make sure your kid gets the best possible schooling, or get your ass in the car and get down to the store for their meeting need. Assertiveness is maintaining the boundaries, protecting, even protecting each other from each other, being assertive with yourself about what you shouldn’t be doing and shouldn’t be saying because you know it’s damaging to the relationship, putting in a little bit of uncomfortable effort to keep the fucking machine oiled and flowing. And lastly, generosity rather than coming into any kind of relationship or friendship and that transactional. What can I get out of it? Mindset come and thinking what can I give to it? How do I make this better? How do I make it that being my partner improves your life being my friend is way better than not being my friend. By having me as a dad. You’re going to be bragging about what kind of dad you’ve got started to think what kind of behavior would make those things true? Those statements you’ll give to them. A lot of people do that transaction like I’ll be nice to you. If you’re Nice to meet first, well, then who the fuck goes first, somebody’s got to go first, right. And if you’re doing it to get something in return, then that’s not a connection, that’s just a transaction, it’s a trade, you’re doing business with the person, haven’t seen doing business with the person, give who you are to people, let them do whatever they want with that. And just go to bed satisfied that you gave that you were part of the life that you tried to have a positive impact. Now, of course, there’s plenty more values you can apply to your relationship. These are just some of the common ones I’ve seen help my clients, you want to become one of those clients who gets helped with this sort of stuff, get in touch dan@brojo.org, I will talk about how to improve your relationship with more integrity, or values for leadership. I’ve looked at a lot of different types of values before now I’m going to focus in on leadership specifically. So leadership means a lot of things you might be a boss, manager can be a priest, or some sort of leader in a community might be just the hate of your family, you might just be the more dominant one in your relationship. There’s lots of different ways to be a leader. I’ve taken on a lot of these leadership roles that I just kind of mentioned, of late communities of being a manager at a workplace of being mentor and a coach on the heat of my family, he might say. And there are some values that serve this position a lot better than others, some practices that are a lot more effective than others. And I’ve talked about those now. Now, this is just my opinion, there’s gonna be a lot of people out there thinks something completely different about leadership and power and politics. And they think it says Machiavellian 48 Laws of Power type, gameplay and seduction. I prefer the integrity approach to leadership, where you’re transparent, everything’s out on, on the open your human being, and the people actually follow you out of love and admiration for you rather than coercion or manipulation. First and foremost, for leadership should be pretty obvious responsibility. Right? You can’t be a leader without taking responsibility. This doesn’t mean taking responsibility for what other people should be doing. But taking responsibility for yourself. And for whoever it is that you’re leading in terms of the results. So for example, if I’m the leader in my relationship, and my relationships, struggling, that’s on me to do something about that, to at least initiate the solution. You know, my team’s results are a reflection on my leadership, not a reflection on each individual member of the team, my community and how healthy their community is, as a reflection on how well I manage their community, not actually a reflection on the members itself. It says View where their failings and my faults, you know, their problems, a mind to initiate the solution to their leaving doesn’t mean you do all the work. But it’s like steering the ship, somebody else might be rowing and putting up the sails. But you’ve got to keep this thing on course, right? Nobody else is going to do their job for you. And you shouldn’t be doing other people’s jobs for them either. They’ve got to be responsible to your job as leader to make sure that you’re taking responsibility for making sure they take responsibility. Courage, I think one of the most respectable types of leaders that just are adored by their followers are the ones who take the hits, so that others don’t have to the ones that take the risks, they put themselves at the front, you know, the general that leads from the front of the army and risk getting shot the most. That kind of upfront leadership means that you’re taking the biggest risks, so that your followers don’t have to. It can be as simple as you initiating a conversation with someone you find attractive, so that they don’t have to worry about getting rejected, all the way through to you putting your hand up at the board meeting saying this failed quarter is on me, not my team, talk to me about it, I’ll accept the consequences. That ability to take hits for the followers that you have. There is just a surefire recipe for loyalty and you can’t fake it, they have to actually see you take those hurts. It’s also as much as it sounds like the worst part of the job, it’s actually the best part of done. There’s something quite thrilling about being the one who went and did the hardship first, the one who cut the way through the forest so that other people had a path to walk through. Like, there’s just something very, very empowering and satisfying about being that guy, or girl embodied. So we had word that I couldn’t find a better one for. But perhaps a bit of was just role model. Practice what you preach. I think one of the great failings of many leaders is that they preach one thing and practice another if you think of those, you know, multimillionaire evangelical leaders in the church and stuff. You know, they’re preaching all this Jesus stuff and hoarding all this wealth, which completely contradicts what’s in the Bible, right? They should see you doing what you’re telling them to do. And they should see you doing it better than they do it. Right, leading by example. You know, great one for me. managers, when you take over a new team, make sure you go and spend at least one day doing everybody else’s job, from cleaning up the rubbish to putting the parts on the car, to answering the phone calls, and the secretary’s office or whatever. Make sure you show them that you will never ask them to do a task that you’re too good to do yourself. So it’s symbolic, but very powerful action. But if you’re telling everyone else to be honest, be honest, first, be more honest than any everyone, right? If you’re telling everyone to put in the extra effort, put in more effort than everybody else is putting it by don’t ever tell someone to do something you’re not willing to do. Right? In fact, you shouldn’t need to tell just fucking show them. Curiosity. This idea that more information is more power. And I don’t mean that in a manipulative or political way. Just the better informed you are, the better decisions you make the better for everyone who follows you. I want to plan a date with my partner, that date is gonna go really well. If I get to know my partner really well, and know what she likes and dislikes and what surprises her and what she hates, and so on. But want to get the best results from my team, the best thing is to get to know each and every individual team member to learn their strengths and weaknesses, and basically exploit what they’re good at, and protect them from what the bad if I constantly try to find out more information? Why are we getting these results, what’s really going on here, without jumping to conclusions, thinking I’m right or about everything and pretending to know everything, they’re much more likely to get good results. So a great leader doesn’t tell you why something’s happening. He asks you why something’s happened. Assertiveness, one of your main roles as a leader, protect your followers. So I’m just going to protect them from each other. You know, I run this online brojo community. Sometimes assertiveness means banning and blocking people, because they fucking up the vibe of the group. Sometimes assertiveness means disciplining your child having an argument with your partner. Sometimes it means protecting from the outside, right? Sometimes it means stopping that high level executive from giving your team shit, because the exec doesn’t understand what the team is really going through effect. The team shouldn’t even know that this confrontation happened because you’re the shield that stops them getting hit by people from the outside. Sometimes it means certain self sacrifices, like your company gives you a really limited budget for your Christmas lunch. So you chip in your own money to make sure they all get a beer each, right. These little moments where you protect your followers and their quality of life, even if means you taking a hit. Because it’s not really you taking a hit because you’re going to be proud of yourself later. And hey, if you don’t want to take hits, don’t be a fucking leader, go do something else. Service. This is where I see a lot of people fall down especially in a management type people they think being a leader means being served by the team. Now, it’s the other way around. You are the one who’s in the service industry. A parent doesn’t mean that your kid takes care of you means you take care of your kid, you provide a life to your kid, leadership should enable the followers not burden. It should make their life easier, not harder, and doesn’t mean doing the work for them. But removing the barriers for them to do what they need to do. Being a follower should make life better. For the people following not worse, I would have thought that there was simple and obvious balance seven out of 10 managers don’t seem to get this ruthlessness. Leaders are one of the few people that say must include ruthlessness on their list of values. Now, ruthlessness does not mean harming others unnecessarily. ruthlessness is more about making sure there are no weeds in the garden, then nothing even small is allowed to grow into a threat means that things are addressed early that there’s zero tolerance for any kinds of toxicity, that you will do the unpopular action and get very uncomfortable if that’s what’s needed to keep everything healthy. Zero tolerance for toxicity means being confrontational. It means getting into conflicts, it means upsetting people, for the greater good. The last one I’ve got on my list as humility. A lot of leaders try to make themselves the stars, right? They’ll take credit for the other people, or try to look like the big man or the big woman. They want to be seen as the leader. But really powerful leaders, it struggled to know they even exist. It’s not about being charismatic. It’s not about getting all the accolades. It’s about making sure that the people who follow you feel like the stars. You know, a lot of people worship Steve Jobs, but I can’t get over Bill burrs insight into him where all these engineers and scientists made up the iPhone. And yet when it comes to be presented, it’s just Steve Jobs on stage. As if he’s the only one. That’s not leadership. Right? That’s narcissism. If you as a true leader, he wouldn’t be on stage each one of his scientists, the key people on the dial would have had the chance to present and take pride in what they’ve created. And you wouldn’t even know he fucking existed. Bailey No. One way Look at it the humility of being a leader that when your team wins, they get the credit. When they lose, you take the blame, that kind of leadership gets a loyalty that cannot be bought cannot be seduced out of somebody. It’s a kind of loyalty and following and adoration and respect. That means when you have hard times, and you’re not up to peak performance and you’re struggling, your team will carry you because they want to keep you around. If you find that your followers turn against you and won’t support you in times of weakness, then there’s a good chance that the way you got them to follow you was brutal, deceptive, you being fake, if they knew who you really were from the beginning, and you are of service and you are responsible and humble and assertive, and all these things they need to flourish. And they’ll carry you through the hard times. If you want to learn the difficult art of being a powerful and successful leader without compromising your integrity, get in touch dan@brojo.org And we’ll work through some of the difficult strategies. So that’s my little podcast on living with core values and integrity. I hope you’ve got enough there to at least design a first draft and put it into practice within the next 24 hours. Please let me know how it goes. Feel free to shoot me an email if you’ve got any speed bumps or troubleshooting or you want more intensive support. Thank you for listening, and I’ll see you next time.

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