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Ethical Influence: Can Persuasive Language Be Honest and Healthy?

We are constantly exposed to manipulation and influence from others, and are influencing them in return. Is it possible for this to be healthy and have integrity? Is there such a thing as ethical influencing?
In this episode, we explore ethics and tactics in relationships, marketing, and other social interactions, to see if we can be both honest and persuasive.


 

Become a master of authentic and charismatic communication, contact Dan for coaching:

dan@brojo.org

 


Full transcript (unedited)

Welcome back to brojo online. Today we’re gonna be talking about ethical influence, how to have an influence on somebody else or another people without breaching your moral code or compromising your integrity, or tricking them in any way.

Now I’ve done a number of podcasts where I talk about manipulation and how to manage it. And I guess I’ve always made it sound like manipulation is a bad thing. But the word manipulation is actually neutral. You know, I manipulate a pen by picking it up and writing. It’s just the description of something affecting another thing. And it is impossible to remain unaffected by other people. And it’s impossible to prevent yourself from affecting them, we all influence each other all the time. So manipulation is really so constant, it’s almost strange to talk about it. So talking about the need for elements or chemicals, I mean, they’re just so constant, we don’t even need to really mention them. But there’s definitely a spectrum when it comes to influence from helpful through the harmful from honest through to dishonest it from ethical through to severely unethical in this new world, and what I hope is a new wave of authenticity and honesty and integrity that’s coming through, or at least I’m trying to help it come through. People need to know how to go for what they want and make things happen. Without needing to resort to the tricks of the past without needing to manipulate in the negative sense of the word. We need to start asking the question, how can we move and influence each other without causing harm, without resorting to a breach of our integrity or compromising our morals in any way? Not only do I think it can be done, I know it can be done. Should I do these podcasts every time I do want. There are people who write into me their whole lives are transformed by these podcasts. I’m definitely influencing people. But I’m doing so most of the time I owe nearly all the time, right? Imagine without being unethical or dishonest. It can be done. And it’s not what I used to do, has been a huge part of my life using unethical means to manipulate and move people. I made the switch or started to transition I should say about Wow, how long has it been now? almost 10 years ago. But it was a slow transition. And to this day, I’m still working on bits and pieces that I don’t quite like. The real significant difference is whether or not it’s covert? Is the manipulation out in the open where everyone can see it? Or is it like the puppet master behind the scenes is a sleight of hand magic trick where you think one thing is happening. But actually another things happening behind your back. That’s usually one of the great distinguishing markers of ethical versus unethical manipulation, the unethical manipulation, what it’s really doing to you is unseen, even though it’s really sometimes quite obvious now in the open. The tricks already been played on you before you know what’s been played on you. I want to talk in this episode about styles of influence and strategies and tactics of influence, that are out in the open and that don’t harm people, or at least very unlikely to harm people unless they want to be harmed. It is important that we influence each other. Not only is it inevitable that we will it’s impossible to avoid. But we’re starting to peak as a species. We’re starting to see global destruction of our planet and our environment. We started seeing breakdown and some of the biggest countries and cultures in the world socially, they just don’t fall apart economically, they’re starting to fall apart. We really need some strong, powerful ethical leaders to step up and sort the shit out. Or we might actually be counting down the minutes before it’s all over. So we live in a time where ethical influence is crucial and we’re lacking in it severely. The most powerful and influential people on the planet are unfortunately for the most part. Very unethical, morally compromised, and completely without integrity. But that can change. There are other ways to do it. Obviously, this is pretty opinionated. ECE ethics itself is completely subjective as our morals and values. So I’ll start by defining what I mean by unethical, partly to just define the difference between unethical, unethical, but also to call us all out. When are we being unethical, what’s particular strategies and tactics that we use to move other people that really aren’t quite aboveboard. So that we can start with knowing what not to do. And then we’ll move in to what to do instead. So if you’ve heard my other podcasts on manipulation, you can go check those out. I talk about basically these four different categories of manipulation that I put in the negative or harmful or unethical category. There are basically four different types of manipulation that I put into the category of harmful or unethical intimidation, which is movement by force, and aggression. Flattery, which is giving a false positive, trying to make someone feel good in order to manipulate them. In validation, the classic Karen asking to speak to the manager, the gaslighting that anything else that makes you feel like you’re not good enough, and distraction, the thing that throws off your attention and focus from the important thing to something less relevant. And almost all of these come under the umbrella of dishonesty. As in your true intention, the thing you’re actually trying to achieve is hidden behind the magic trick of the manipulation. So let’s pick these apart, I’m not going to go through these different types of things. I’ve already done that in a podcast that you can check out another time, if you want. Let’s just have a look at some of the ways that I define unethical, and ambulation. One of them, I think the most clear one is anything that deliberately leads another person toward a harmful outcome for themselves. Anywhere where what you’re doing, you knowingly are taking them to a bad place for your own benefit, or just to watch them suffer. You know, selling them something, and you know, it’s junk, you know, that them buying this thing is actually just going to hurt their bank account. Anything that might cause buyer’s remorse where later on once the sale is over, they’re probably going to suffer. You know, a lot of more, maybe all multilevel marketing companies fall into this category. They’re sold on the idea of, you know, financial freedom. And yet, it’s only about the top 5% or 4% of any of these companies that actually make a living wage, and the bottom 95 don’t make enough to survive and actually quite often end up in significant amount of debt to the company itself. Anything that splits people away from their loved ones, or reduces their support system, or just reduces their access to resources. Think of an abusive partner who keeps you away from your family and friends and controls all the income and the money. It doesn’t really give you access to anything where you can be independent, or gaslighting, you know, where you take someone away from their healthy state of mind, you start planting seeds of doubt, and misdirection and confusion until they get to the point where they’re not even sure who they are. And they can’t trust their own value system anymore. They can’t trust their decision making. They become incredibly dependent and cannot rely on themselves anymore. This is the kind of more obvious unethical manipulation or influence where at the end of it, someone’s much worse off, and you knew that was going to happen, or at least you knew there was a high risk of it, that you went forward anyway for your own benefit. That’s actually just the more obvious one, there’s plenty of others. Another one is when you leverage somebody’s psychological biases behind their back. Now all human beings have cognitive biases. We all have these kind of shortcuts that our brain takes to make decisions. And if you know what these are, you can significantly influence someone to do things that they don’t even want to do. You see a lot of this marketing. This is really played on scarcity, for example, it was a good and quick because it’s running out soon and there’s only five left. It’s usually bullshit. Or at least if there was a higher demand, the company could easily create a higher supply. But they make you feel like it’s running out because the way the human brain is wired is we’re deeply afraid of scarcity. We’ve got a knee jerk reaction to resources running out because we’re still got the same brain From the original humans who were middle of the food chain and didn’t know where their next meal is coming from, we have a fight or flight response to scarcity. And there are a lot of people that like to play on this. It can even happen in romantic relationships. Like the person who’s playing hard to get, or the person who’s like, well, you know, I’m moving city next week. So if you want anything to happen, it’s got to be tonight, kind of leveraging this idea, hey, this thing’s about to be taken away. It’s so blinding, that people don’t even stop to think whether they care if the things being taken away or not. They start to realize, like, Hey, I never had this thing in the first place. And I was just fine. Scarcity can often trigger a kind of override and decision making where we’ll quickly go and get something or strive for something that we never even thought of needing just a few weeks ago. Urgency is another one of these tricks. People don’t make like to make decisions quickly and under pressure, and will often make a decision just to relieve the pressure. So if you push someone hard to make a quick decision, quite often, they’ll just make the decision in your favor, just because they don’t like being pushed, playing on people’s prejudices and discrimination. You know, this is what a lot of politicians do they play on people’s xenophobia, or other biases in terms of tribalism. You know, you make the racist people think that all the immigrants are stealing their jobs. You make the leftists think that you’re going to impose lots more rules. And you just you just play on whatever they’re against. And they’re going to be so blinded by their echo chambers, and by their tribalism, that they’ll feel urge to respond, even if some part of them deep down goes shit, this doesn’t feel right. So when you’re knowingly using a knowledge of psychology, to get into somebody’s kind of back control room and flip the switches, without them even being really aware that it’s happening, I think it’s safe to say that that’s pretty fucking unethical. I mean, what’s the difference between leveraging someone’s psychological biases to have sex with them, and slipping a roofie into the drink? In terms of chemical reactions in the brain, it’s almost the exact same thing you’re doing. You’re reducing their ability to make conscious and deliberately helpful decisions either way, just two different methods. So I actually write this is pretty high harm if you knowingly do this not knowingly done this in the past, and I still feel guilty about that sometimes. Not the roof isn’t Jesus. But you know, manipulating people using their biases have definitely done that. gossip and backstabbing. No slandering or attacking someone’s character when they’re not there to correct you or defend themselves. I despise people of gossip, really. And yet, that means I have to despise a lot of people. It creates what’s called splitting borderline personalities and antisocial personalities on the more extreme ends of the spectrum may love this tactic. turn everyone against each other. And leave yourself in the middle as the neutral kind of Peacemaker that everyone comes to. It gives you this great sense of control. Politicians no doubt, do this behind closed doors, and Parliament and so on constantly working the other politicians against each other so that you watch them fight while you climb the ladder. False positivity or lying about your success. People do this a lot. I mean, just look at any social media or dating profile. They’re only showing you the best but you know, that’s a pretty common manifestation of this one. Or you get it in with entrepreneurs and business people. I see it in the coaching world a lot. Somebody who’s just started coaching say, I’ll help you make seven figures a year. My bro you don’t even do that. What are you talking about? You started your business a month ago? What the fuck do you know about it? God I said so much in my industry, these coaches, coaching other coaches and only other coaches, this kind of pyramid scheme of coaches, coaching coaches, like Do any of you people actually know how to coach a real person? If any, have you actually been at all trained in coaching and real life? What the hell’s going on? See that a lot. You know, that’s kind of present an image that you’re doing really well and creates what’s called a halo effect. bias that people think you are what you present and that and see the kind of good parts of you and then I realize a you’re just a normal human being with flaws and weaknesses like everyone else. This one’s done a lot, but I think it’s pretty fucking unethical. Can you imagine like getting into a relationship with someone you only find out about their bad side, like two years, and when you’ve already got a kid together, that’s a pretty shitty thing to do. You should have been allowed to bail out a lot earlier than that. So anything that takes advantage of vulnerability, you know, I’ve got a real pet peeve with psychics. Now, if somebody’s just running like a psychic, tarot card, crystal ball reading thing for a bit of fun, that completely like knowing people spins the excess cash on. All right, it’s fine. But when a psychic preteens, and they’re always pretending, I promise you that there’s never been any scientific validation of psychokinesis, or any power in that domain for human beings. But when they they take a grieving person, and pretend to talk to the loved one, for a significant amount of cash, this horrific that’s psychopathic, without a doubt if you know of any psychic who pretends to talk to the dead, then you are dealing with a full blown psychopath. Only a psychopath could have the callousness to abuse, grieving vulnerable people in such a way for cash. It’s beyond belief that these people get TV shows and that they’re not further investigated by fraud, government agencies or anything like that, you know, as just, as far as I’m concerned, it’s a worse crime than people who steal cars and do drugs. But anything where you kind of leverage someone’s weak spot for your gain, you take the thing that they’re insecure about, or unsure about, and you twist it and pull it to the you get something nice out of it. And they’re left even worse off than they were before. Horrific. making false claims. I mean, it’s a classic one, we all do that when we lying in a job interview, talking yourself up, pretending event all these great places when you’re on a first date, all that sort of thing creates a big false image about you that people then invest in. It’s funny how people sign up to a company. And their first move is to try and fuck that company over like at the job interview. They try and get them to sign up an unqualified employee by pretending to be qualified. What does that say for like the future of you, their company? Have you ready to do that from the very beginning? Imagine what else you’re going to do to their company as the years go by Imagine how many hours you’re going to pretend to work without working, and how many mistakes you’re going to cover up and not reveal to the boss. I mean, a lot of people think of CEOs as these kind of millionaire demons. But most of them are people like me, struggling to get by doing the best they can the businesses like their dream that they’re trying to change the world with. Image how hard it is for them to hire someone on false pretenses, who then brings down the company from the inside, how heartbreaking that would be horrific. Using people as pawns, I think that’s pretty unethical. I see that a lot these days with social media, a lot of social media companies or media companies on social media, stirring up shit between partisan parties, you know, between people who are at war with each other, just for the sake of advertising, just to get some clicks. And classic click bait as it’s called. You know, you write some article with a headline that you just know is going to stir up shit. In fact, that’s why you wrote it. And all you’re trying to do is get an equal number of like supporters and detractors arguing with each other so that you get more clicks on your ads. I see a lot of that these days pawning people just using them without their knowledge. I think leveraging unfairness is quite unethical too. And this one’s a bit of a more of a controversial point. But the example that came to my mind was Jeffrey Epstein. You know, this guy’s running an international sex trafficking pedophile ring. The guy gets caught he had seen as to six months in prison because he’s got a lot of money. He only had to stay at prison overnight. And there’s even a lot of questions about whether or not even that then you take someone who doesn’t have money, charged them with the same thing, and they’ll never see daylight again. So sometimes I think people leverage their positions in a way that has got to be deemed unethical. Leveraging your position to help someone is one thing but levering leveraging your position to help yourself and harm others. That’s got to be unethical, surely Same as a boss that hints at dismissal in order to get one of his employees to sleep with him. That would be leveraging unfairness, covert contracts, where you hold people to account for a set of rules that they don’t know about. Maybe you assume that they should know about them. Maybe you just too scared to bring them up, that you punish them for breaking these rules. Nonetheless, maybe you soak in complained that you don’t get six from your partner, even though she never signed up to any sort of sexual contract. And it’s kind of thing where somebody gets punished emotionally or sometimes financially or socially in some way. Because they broke the rules that they don’t know about. That’s what a covert contract is. And of course, I think in in a bigger sense, fake news, which can be individual, you know, distorting perspective, or presenting opinions as facts, undermining evidence, cherry picking evidence, this can be done one to one or it can be done, as you’ve seen a mess, global scale. I mean, think about who has any idea what is actually happening with COVID-19. At the moment. You know, I am absolutely a advocate for science. And I’m trying to find and follow the most scientific reporting on this thing. But even that’s hazy now. There’s so many people just making stuff up that I just don’t know what’s true anymore. You know, and this is this is one of the things that happens with distorting evidence is you give people absolutely no solid foundation, there’s nothing for us to go back to his ground zero and say this is the truth. And it’s become that way about everything these days. I mean, just look at the political system, the United States. Right now they’re choosing between Biden and Trump. You’re telling me in a country of like 300 plus million people, that’s your top two? No fucking way. Bottom two, I believe. Top two, not even a chance. And yet, somehow, the media that they saw, led the public and the Congress and whatever, however, works to choose those two, as the top runners. Only misinformation at a mass level to create such a ridiculous outcome. I really feel for you guys in the States, by the way, like, Father’s Day, I just be, I’d never be able to get my jaw off the floor. And I’d be like, how’s it these two? How was it ever? You know, I remember thinking that when Trump and Hillary were first up, I’m like, I’m not sure how the American system works. But these are the two that made it to the end, what the fuck, I’m like, I’m better than them. And I’m not good enough to be president. Like, they when I’m looking at a prison, and I just think, yeah, that person is definitely going to be better at the job than I am. Or I could be. I’m looking at him like, I’d actually be better at it than they are, what the hell’s going on? How do they make it to the top, or fake news distorting reality, at a mass level is the point where people don’t even know what’s going on anymore, and they accept a lot of bullshit. So those are just some of the ways that we unethically influence people, at least in my opinion, or by my definition, give you a sense of you know, these are the trucks we play on each other all the time. And it leaves people being unable to make good healthy, informed decisions. Instead, they make other decisions based in fear and insecurity and doubt and misdirection, which is almost certainly going to take them to a harmful place. And ice used to do a lot of the stuff I used to do covert contracts back, I had COVID contracts coming out the wazoo. I believed everyone knew how they should act and treat me all the time. And yet I never mentioned once any of those expectations. But if you didn’t meet them, who held you to account I’d have a good old soak and ignore you go cold on you do everything I can to indirectly express how disappointed I was with your behavior. Without even letting you know what the behavior was or what rule of broke, all your nose are soaking in it will make you uncomfortable. It’s the kind of shit I used to do that all the time. You know, not all the time but enough to be embarrassed by it. I used to do intellectual dominance. I see guys like Ben Shapiro, do this now, where if you know a lot of big words, and you can think really quickly, you can dominate in a debate while actually being completely full of shit. So you can totally override people by being quicker at thinking than they are. And it makes them flustered and unsure of themselves. And it can be embarrassing for them in front of others. And it’s, you’re only winning by force, you’re not really saying anything particularly more valuable than what they’re saying. I used to use that one a lot. I used to kind of dominate people. I do have a relatively high IQ, and I’m naturally academic. So I’m good at arguing but that doesn’t mean I’m right. Just means I’m good at arguing like the technique. Technique doesn’t mean knowledge or wisdom. I could argue to do something that’s absolutely incorrect. A lot of people do this people who are good, they kind of school smart brain. distracting people with humor, I used to do that a lot. I prevent uncomfortable emotions or conversations from arising by just constantly joking, often refer to myself as being like the character Chandler from friends. Just self deprecating, sarcastic, distanced and detached. Everything’s a joke. I remember sitting in university, or, you know, being a lecture hall, whoever I sat next to, would not be able to learn that lesson, because I’d just be taking the piss out of the professor the whole time. And a lot of time, I’d be making them laugh, but sometimes I just be annoying them that I can turn it off. You know, I just couldn’t stop being the center of funny attention. Naive questions, provoked doubt. So I’d ask people questions as if I’m just curious. But really, I knew that the question itself would kind of rock them a little bit and cast doubt on a decision that I’m making, which would then later play to my advantage. I use that one a lot. That was quite like a nasty malicious one. I’d use that. Are you really sure you want to do that? I’m just asking you Sure. And that would just throw people off. lying. I just lied a lot. Up until about a mid 20s. When I started to transition into exploring integrity and honesty, that guy lied. So I lied automatically. I lied when I didn’t even need to lie. I’ve always just kind of like add flavor to what I was saying by lying. And I just constantly have this kind of chameleon effect going as it’s called, where I’d be adjusting to whoever I’m talking to. So that they would like me more. So I could be anyone you wanted me to be. And I was very good at reading people’s I’d know who you want me to be instantly. And I’d become there. There’s around like tradesmen and hard guys, I’d be tradie hard guy banter, take the piss out of a lead kind of dude. And then around like sensitive artists, I’d be all concerned and listening and full of sage wise advice. And it’s just a constant performance. And to perform, I just, I mean, I was making it up. That’s like a movie. Basically, sometimes, I tell entire stories that didn’t happen. And even when I wasn’t doing that, I was exaggerating and adjusting a lot. That chameleon effects me that I was just constantly kind of making little nudges away from honesty, just to make sure that you liked what I was saying. Makes it sound like I didn’t tell the truth at all, which is not accurate. But if you weeded out everything I say that wasn’t completely true, I would have only been speaking like, few minutes a day. And there’s so much extra that I piled on top of there that was not strictly in the realms of integrity. And then of course, I had my big pickup artist phase, where I literally manipulated people into being attracted to me. And I used all the tactics I use, you know, attention grabbers that people can’t resist to start a conversation you is push and pull tactics to keep people like obsessed with me and make them want more kind of confused and feel as need to chase and earn my approval. I will escalate physical contact discreetly. So you didn’t know it was happening but I’m slowly accustoming you to my touch. I mean, actually kind of disgusts me some of the stuff I did. On the upside when my run one redeeming quality is if I really didn’t like how I had gotten to go home with me enough I really wasn’t sure that she was into me. Even without the tactics. I wouldn’t go through with it. No one’s sleep. So I’m glad that like, I don’t think I ever did that where I was like sleeping with a girl going. Got it. But the thing is what will really started moving the needle for me on this one is while I was practicing these techniques, I was also starting to specialize at work and rehabilitating child sex offenders and pedophiles and there’s just too much similarity between how they groom their victims. and pick up artists methodology. Sometimes the language was even the same, you know, pedophiles, write books for each other and stuff on how to groom children. And, you know, selecting the target and isolating them from the family and all this sort of stuff, and, you know, flattery and all this. And I was just looking at this game. Wow, this is really fucking similar to some of the stuff I’m doing in nightclubs, and just made me feel really yuck. So I’m kind of glad I had that experience and never went too dark. I mean, I probably made some people like me who wouldn’t have otherwise liked me, but I didn’t really do too much harm to them, thankfully. But yeah, I’ve seen guys who will absolutely destroy someone just to get laid, and leave them like, just a psychological wreck afterwards, who can’t trust men anymore. And they’re quite happy to do that. So yeah, I’m glad I moved away from their whole scene. But I was pretty bad. Pretty fucking mad. gotta mention at this point, because I keep forgetting to do this and podcasts and stuff. But if you want to make the kind of changes we’re talking about here, in a community of other people, we’re making these kinds of changes, then make sure you come and join us and brojo it’s completely free, has brojo.org/join. And you can come talk to everyone in the Facebook group. And sometimes we have in person meetups, tons of content and courses. And you can work on building your integrity aside a community who’s doing the same. So really recommend to come check that out. So I talked a lot about being unethical, because I love foreplay, and a big build up. But let’s talk about now is the core influencing. I spent a lot of time talking about the opposite, but it’s to give you a reference point. You know what I’ve been talking about so far as how most people get what they want. And a lot of people don’t realize that you can do it a completely other way. And then we’re going to talk about that other way. Now. Ultimately, the thing to keep in mind, what makes it different, being ethical, is that the outcome is win win. It’s Where is Mike wells, the other coach and brojo says you leave the other person better than you found them. And hopefully, you come out better than you went in as well. So if nothing else, that should be the aim. And a lot of the stuff we’ve talked about so far in this podcast, it makes it very hard to achieve that aim. Because it’s primarily focused on win lose, you take from someone, what we’re looking to do is enhance both our own lives and the lives of others simultaneously. Or at least try to at least give that the best possible opportunity to happen. And if you can do that, by being honest, at the same time, you stand up almost perfect chance of being ethical, of being able to walk away from this without any guilt, without any remorse without leaving a bad taste in anyone’s mouth. Without tarnishing your reputation, that doing anything that might come back to bite you in the future. Just being a good fucking person, basically. Can I just say something on their point? Can we just try and be good fucking people? Can we please? Like there’s no other way to say it. But I am getting sick to death with how many people are quite willing to be absolute cuts. I’ve got to use that word because it really isn’t a stronger one to describe how awful it is to willingly manipulate people using unethical means. Consistently. I was accom absolutely young men that I know why I did it. I wasn’t coming from a bad place. I was trying my best to live a good life and be a good person but doesn’t matter because the behavior was very cultish. So I really want to put it out there. How good would you feel to just be a good person to be able to walk away from any situation where you influence people and be like, Yeah, I’m proud of the way I did that. Even if you lose, even if you don’t get what you wanted. So you have to walk away with your head held high and not have to avoid the eye contact and the mirror again, he shouldn’t have done that. And because of that off, you know, or even worse, to get to a point where you’ve done it so much that you no longer feel any guilt that psychopathy that builds when you’ve been unethical for a very long time like it did for me. I got to the point where I can manipulate people mercilessly and feel nothing, no remorse, no compassion, no empathy, because I’ve just been like that forever. Ironically, I started to get more of what I wanted and better results when I started being more ethical. And I shouldn’t even say ironic because that actually makes sense, doesn’t it on paper. If you have an ongoing reputation as an ethical, trustworthy, honest person of integrity, you’re probably gonna get more from people, then if he had the opposite reputation. And if people feel during an interaction with you that you’re a good, honest person that they can trust, they’re more likely to cooperate, aren’t they? So it’s bizarre, that we think we need to resort to these underhanded dirty little tactics. When if you think about it carefully, you’ve got to realize that that can’t be the most effective way. It just can’t be. What it is, it’s a way of avoiding discomfort and rejection, and people saying no, for various things. It is that but even then it’s not that successful. You know, when I was doing all the pickup artist stuff, I still got way more nose than I got uses. So it’s not even that good. In terms of a strategy for getting what you want, a lot of people think it is, you know, a lot of the red pill guys that are going to arguments with, they always go on about how you need to use this stuff, because the other way doesn’t work. But they’ve never even tried the other way. They’ve never tried to live with integrity ever. They’ve never tried to go a whole year being completely honest. They’ve never given a decent crack, they only know various forms of negative manipulation. So I want to put in your mind, not only for me, that my results get a lot better with becoming more ethical. But I’ve seen this happen time and time again, with pretty much every client I’ve worked with that I can remember. They got more of what they wanted better results from being honest and having integrity than they ever did was whatever manipulative bullshit they did before and I’ve worked with some people are really good at manipulating. And even they doing better, that being honest, and not just doing better in terms of results, but feeling better about yourself. Not feeling that kind of yuck thing we they have to drown with alcohol and drugs and Netflix and porn. Because you just look in the mirror and you’re not proud of what you’ve got, because you didn’t really earn it, It tricked your way into it. It’s like stealing. So in no particular order, I’m going to talk about some of the tactics and strategies of ethical influence in and these will actually fly in the face and go in the opposite direction of a lot of stuff we’ve talked about so far. But just try it and see what happens. First and foremost, full disclosure. Rather than just showing the best bits and hiding the worst bits, you let everybody see everything all the time. If you’re selling a product, you talk about its strengths and its weaknesses. You know, you make sure that anybody who needs to be involved with the decision making is involved rather than splitting them and hiding certain information from certain peoples and need to no bullshit. Reveal your own weaknesses and doubts as well as being immodest about your strengths. Just be truthful about all of it. Let people see the whole lot give them the best possible information to make a choice from let them know like, hey, the choice is yours. I don’t want you to have buyer’s remorse later, I want you to make sure that if you say yes to this thing and go in for it, you know what you’re getting yourself into, you know, the game you’re playing. I remember seeing this something in the winter, I get this wrong, did I make this up? Maybe I made it up. But this little saying, if you’re going to join the mafia, you better be okay with getting shot. Is this idea that like when someone’s doing the mafia or joins a world of crime, they know the game that they’re getting into, they know the rules. They know what to expect. So if they get shot, they don’t complain because they sign up for this. Making sure that whenever you’re influencing someone into that they know what they’re signing up to. It’s actually weirdly convincing when somebody gives you the downsides as well as the upsides and it’s actually quite suspicious when all you hear upsides. Now I’ve been watching there’s a Netflix series a docu series at the moment called unwellness or something and it’s about five or six episodes of these more sort of fringe bizarre techniques for wellness from bee sting therapy through the iOS sca and a few others As. And the people that I don’t trust the most are the ones that are like, Yeah, this is perfect. It cures cancer. It made people who are blind. See, it’s amazing. I’m like, yeah, it’s not that good. Whatever it is, and I there could be other people were more like, look for some people, or does this affect some others that has this, it doesn’t cure there. But it does reduce the symptoms, you have to find out for yourself. Those are the people on mic now give it a go. Don’t try it. If that was the sales pitch, I’ll try it. Maybe I’m a skeptical person. But I don’t think I’m the only one who feels this way. When I feel like I’m being given the full disclosure and transparency, I feel more inclined to give it a go. If you’re a person who needs it to be totally sold as this beautiful, perfect thing is something wrong with you, because you’re living in an unrealistic world. So make sure that your job like if you’re selling something, whether it’s a product or an ideology, or a friendship or anything, rather than trying to make them sign up, have your outcome as make sure they know everything to make a good informed decision. You’re trying to help them decide and a helpful way rather than force them to make a specific decision of yes or no. By the way, my next book, which is coming out soon, the naked truth, I cover a lot of principles of powerful honesty and other techniques to really get your message out there really boldly and convincingly. But without breaching any integrity principles. So I recommend you check that out if you want to know how to influence people powerfully without hurting them. Now another classic kind of strategy or principle of ethical manipulation, is asking for permission. So making sure that before you move ahead or escalate something towards a decision, that along the way you’re checking in to make sure they’re okay with this, that you have their consent to continue. You know, I once had a friend bring someone around to my house, she was like, Oh, you’re gonna meet this guy. He’s amazing. And this guy comes around. He’s he’s quite charismatic and brash and loud and stuff. And we sat down, he just started talking for like, 30 minutes. I’m like, What is this guy going on about it, just keep talking about this great company, and how much they help people and all that sort of stuff. I’m like, he’s trying to hear me sign up to something as he is trying to like, just share something he’s interested in about 45 minutes. And he finally discloses that this is an Amway sales pitch, he’s trying to sign me up to some multi level marketing horseshit. I was I 45 minutes or not wants to do check in with me to see if I know what’s going on to make sure that like I have my full permission to go ahead. You didn’t even admit what this was about. So I didn’t even know what I was giving permission to when I invited you into my house. If she had told me right at the start, hey, this guy is going to come and sell some Amway, we wouldn’t have had our conversation. But at least I would have trusted her and had severely actually hurt my trust for her for quite some time. I was like, you bought this kind of my house under like, false pretenses. So I do a similar thing, like, don’t do a similar thing. I do the opposite. When I’m doing my coaching. Like when I have a first session with someone, I always say, look, there’s going to be no sales pitch or anything. At the end of this, we’re just gonna have the session and we’ll both leave it and see how we feel. Are you okay with that? And then during the session, I’m like, you know, I want to challenge you on this thing. Do you mind if I challenge you there? And I’m just constantly checking that I haven’t crossed the line and that they’re okay to keep moving. And when they say no, I stop, which is another principle we’ll talk about in a second. So make sure if you’re influencing someone’s life that they’re saying yes to this in many checkpoints along the way. This is not the same as the sales tactic called the yes ladder. We ask someone a bunch of questions to make sure that they say yes a lot and get them into an agreeable mindset. That’s negative manipulation that that’s unethical. You know, are you a guy? Yes. Do you like cars? Yes. Do you like fast cars? Yes. Well, do you want to buy this one? Yeah, okay. That’s bullshit. But getting permission like are you okay for us to keep going a comfortable with this? Let me know if you want to stop at any points. You know, I don’t want to push you. These kinds of things. allow someone to always be in control of their decision making faculties and also make sure that you’re never pressuring them. Ironically, once they say yes, they are really starting to buy in. So it actually goes better for you in the long run if you do this, but it does mean some people will say no, and that’s it. It’s over, that you let that no happen because you’re not a fuckin unethical master. Another one is revealing the strategy. This is probably my favorite form of honesty. And that is you catch yourself using a manipulative strategy. And you just call out that is happening. You know, I might say something like, by the way, I just said that because I’m trying to get you to agree with me. Or I might say, Well, I did know that you would feel influenced by that. And that’s why I used it because you know, I’m trying to win here. And you just call out the little trick that’s happening behind the scenes. Now, they probably already know that that’s happening. But when you call it out like that, you neutralize it, you make sure that it’s not a negative influence anymore. It’s like a magician doing the trick. But you can see inside the box, so you know exactly how the tricks being played. Now, that’s no good for a magician. But in terms of building a relationship with someone, it’s a very good idea to make sure. There’s no magic behind the scenes that deceives the other person. Let them know why you’re doing what you’re doing, and saying what you’re saying. What’s the real reason? What’s your motive? What’s your intention? What’s your strategy? Again, quite bizarrely, when you’re like this with people, they trust you a lot more because you’re not someone who hides anything, you don’t even hide your intentions or your agenda. And there used to other people doing this a lot. They used to spending their whole load training, guess what someone’s real motivators with you, they don’t have to guess. And that actually makes them trust you more, which means they’re more likely to cooperate and go in with you uncertain events. Another one is respecting, and no, there’s almost nothing I hate more than watching a guy hitting on a girl is getting clear, no signals, and he just doesn’t stop. It’s just so cringe worthy, and quite aggravating because you’re watching essentially, the seed that grows into rate. And this is what a lot of people do with their influence. They essentially rape people with it. They don’t accept a no they blast past consent issues, you know, you get an A sale shop where you said I’m just browsing that oh, well, have you looked at this thing? Like, dude, I just said no, fuck off. And they keep going and they won’t let you go. Yeah, they didn’t like certain sales tactics, like, make the guy hang up on you know, your push, push, push. So unethical. Not only do I respect to know, I actually seek it out. That’s a great thing. I learned to build a coaching practice, rich look, and don’t me this one, which is you collect nose, rather than trying to get clients, you try to get people to say no to you. So you go out and make grant offers to people for coaching and other services. And you do it as boldly and as kind of daring ly as possible, because you’re actually trying to get the person to say no, you’re asking for a no. Win. I’m signing someone up to coaching. Who gets a bit we’re talking about money. It’s usually the bit that the most scared about. So we have a big talk about that. And I’m actually going to push for a no at this point rather than a yes. Even if they say yes, I’ll be like, Whoa, let’s slow down. This is a big investment. I don’t want a half hearted. Yes. So if this is at all a no, we’re going to call it off. So tell me like, how would this be on you financially, you’re going to be able to handle it? Are you sure this is worth the investment for you? Is there nothing better you could do with their money? I’m really pushing for a no. So there were if I get a years, neither of us has to worry that there was the wrong call. And again, it’s actually much more helpful for trust, feel like on the other person’s tight team, you know, you’re actually helping make sure that they don’t hurt themselves rather than you just trying to get something for yourself. It’s so much better for the long term relationship to it has been people who have said no to coaching because I’ve done this with them. And then a year later, when they’ve got more money or more confidence, then they sign up to coaching because they trust me. They know I’m not going to fuck them. Right. And that’s so much better for business than in the short term when or getting someone to sign over a bunch of cash that they’re gonna regret doing to leave your one star review somewhere. And this is what I mean like it just works best for everyone involved. It’s win win. You don’t even need to feel guilty about getting what you want because no one’s losing. It’s it’s not even tactics you’re using it just happens to be quite effective. And you should follow up as well a buyer’s remorse check. Once someone’s started dating you or they’ve signed up to your program or your ideology your or bought the product, check in with them later. Are you still cool with this, want to make sure you haven’t gotten an over your head or you haven’t signed up for something you now regret or to make sure you’re always able to bail out of this thing. No and Luciana I was were first dating, I always said, Look, we’ll just say, do we want to see each other one more time, I always wanted her to have the option to one day say no and bail, or never wanted her to feel like she had to be with me because she had invested in being with me or because I expected anything of it. Want to keep that exit open for and it can, ironically, the more you keep an exit open for someone, the less likely they are to use it. It’s when the exit looks closed, that people panic. There’ll be people who will bail on a relationship or a great job or return a product doors stop using a service. Because they’re scared they can’t leave. And it’s actually a good thing. Like they’re missing out by leaving the so panicky about that trapped feeling that they’re not able to see the value on what they’re getting. People bail on relationships, for this reason, all the time, they get married, and they go, Oh my god, I’m gonna stay with them for the rest of my life. They panic, and they cheat or whatever. And they actually liked their partner. It was fine. But it was just the trapped feeling that fucked them up. So if you make sure that people never feel trapped, you’re actually going to get the best possible decision making from them. It won’t always go in your favor, of course, you’ll never have 100% success rate. But the yeses will be reliable and solid. Because the person always knows they can say no, which means they’re always choosing a yes, they’re always choosing you. Another clear element of ethical influencing has got to be the 5050 Win Win concept, which is it’s never got to be value leaving one person to go to another. It has to be value shared from a simple arrangement, like somebody pays me for my coaching. And we make sure that that feels even to a conversation where you both share stories about yourself rather than one person in questioning like an interviewer. Trying to always look in a long term relationship of any kind for that balance of investments, that fairness. And everyone feels like they’re getting a good deal. Another classic one that should be pretty obvious at this point is clear open contracts, rules, boundaries, expectations, all of it out on the table. Nothing assumed nothing hoped for nothing unsaid. And holding yourself to account like if I didn’t say it openly, I can’t expect it from the person. Even if something is like straightforward as if I’m in a relationship with someone and I haven’t directly said to them, I don’t want you to sleep with someone else, then I really can’t give them shit about cheating on me. Because there wasn’t even a rule about cheating. I can’t hold someone to account for a rule that they don’t know about. So making sure that everything you want and all the expectations around it fully out on the table. You tell your boss how you want to be bossed. You tell your partner how you want to be loved. You tell your client what they will and won’t get with the service. And you leave nothing out. No detail is too uncomfortable to discuss. So that way, if there’s any disrespect, it’s clearly outlined. There’s no doubt about what the rules are, what the expectations are, what the conditions are. A lot of people make this mistake, I think mostly in romantic relationships. They think of this kind of unconditional love translates to unconditional relationships. And I love and relationships are two different things. I can have a relationship with someone I don’t love. I can have clear boundaries contract expectation with someone for work purposes or friend. So I need to do the same with a partner because that actually protects the love from getting tainted and damaged by miscommunication and unmet expectations and so on. Clear open contracts are a must if you want healthy, ongoing connections with people. And so if you want to influence people in a positive way, having a healthy ongoing connection is a pretty fucking helpful way to do that. Another one is protecting people who have vulnerabilities rather than exploiting them. This can often mean involving strong advocates for them, you know, making sure that a prisoner going to court has a decent lawyer who has their best interests at heart you know, or somebody who’s come up with disciplinary action at work has a union ramp who knows the rules Well, or that, you know, the mother who’s grieving for a child doesn’t sign up to the psychic fucking hotline without, you know, her husband and mother being consulted about whether or not that’s a good idea. You know, this kind of thing where you let people bring in support and help to cover their blind spot, cover their weaknesses, and you actually are the one who tries to make that happen. You want to make sure that you don’t accidentally leverage someone’s vulnerabilities. So you bring in support for them. So that can’t happen. Again, it just speaks to a such a great level of integrity and trustworthiness, and will also make you question yourself about your influence, should I be influencing this person to do this thing? You know, a couple of times early in my coaching career, I signed people up to coaching when really they should have been seeing a therapist, you know, it was, it’s not like I couldn’t help them. But my work is to help vicious people who are determined to be even more successful than they already are. It’s not to help broken people heal, you know, at least that’s not a huge part of it. So when someone comes to me absolutely broken and traumatized, it’s actually quite unethical for me to offer them coaching, it’d be much more ethical for me to refer them onto a therapist as a couple of times, I probably should have done that back in the day. So if someone’s vulnerable, don’t try to take advantage of them try to help them. Because when they’re no longer vulnerable, when they’re fixed, whatever that is, they’ll remember, they’ll remember that you were the one that didn’t fuck them over while everybody else was trying to another one that’s much harder to do. And I recommend reading the book Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman for education on this and this one is calling out cognitive biases. I’m not going to go through them all here or anything, but we have a lot of certain biases that skew our perspective and make decision making hand. And it can actually affect us while we’re trying to influence people. I’ll call it out for a lot of times, it’s just simple language. Like if I’m talking to my wife about something, sometimes I’ll say, Look, right now I think I’m trying to control you. So just take what I’m saying with a grain of salt, because it’s not just in your best interests, like I’m trying to get something for myself here. Now, just let them know that like what I’m seeing is biased in some way skewed towards an outcome. Or I might say something like, I think I know the answer to that. But then again, I’ve only had this one type of experience. So I’m probably biased by that. I’m just constantly trying to make sure everyone knows, like, exactly how detached I am versus how biased I am. And then for themselves as well. I might actually challenge someone trusting me. You know, sometimes, like, especially when I’m having early sessions with somebody in coaching, they sometimes think I’m psychic, because I can see inside the head, but it’s just because I have so much experience working with people pleasers and nice guys have heard it all before. And so they start talking on my hip, I know exactly what’s going on here. And I’ll say it and they’ll be like, Wow. And I’ll say, look, you’re gonna feel like bias towards me right now. Because there’s this kind of old marketing, saying, if people think you understand the problem, they’ll think you can solve it. Just because I understand your problem doesn’t actually mean I can solve it. So don’t get too worked up. Let’s first see if I can solve it before you start throwing your money at, you know, that kind of thing, calling it out. So that, again, if someone makes a decision, that’s all above board, they had the best possible chance to be as rational and logical as possible. Finally, the main thing really here is that the person in your relationship with them is given priority over the outcome, short term result that you want. So if it isn’t a win win thing, take it back to the drawing board or just bail on it completely, and let it go. Never allow an influence interaction to end up with one of you losing either you both win or you both walk away from it, but nothing else. And if you think you winning will actually hurt the other person then forfeit. There’s been people I’ve turned away from coaching just because I know like their financial situation just won’t be able to handle. I don’t want them to get in that much debt even though they want to. I do like payment plans and stuff for people who are a bit strapped but there’s some people are just living a bit too low for what I charge. I do I’d love to help you but I do not want to be the person doing the debt collector roll on you later on and you feeling really bad about it. So I’d rather help that person right here and now do what’s best for them. and also protect our relationship together. Because ultimately, if I want to be a person of influence, if I want to have a big positive impact on the world, it’s going to come from healthy, long term relationships with people, where trust and loyalty and compassion and respect and honesty are put at the forefront. We can see it now if you take something like Donald Trump, classic examples on He uses all the other types of tactics or the unethical ones. And you know, his grip is so tenuous. There’s so many people just actually conflicted with him. And the people who are as blind supporters are just the ones that have fallen for the sleight of hands. You know, when he gets revealed for whatever he is, it all comes crashing down. We saw happen with Bill Cosby, when everybody found out what he really was, didn’t matter how long they loved him, and all came crashing down. Because it was all built on a house of sand, it was all built on tricks and techniques, the true nature of who he was, was never revealed until at the end, you want to make sure that your true nature is revealed from the very beginning. So I can never bring anything down, that people will stick it out with you in the long run. Because even if they don’t like you, they can trust and respect you. I mean, that’s how you make a great political leader. Nobody has to like them. But if everybody trusts and respects them and sees them as a person of integrity, then they’ll accept them as a leader. And they’ll sort of you know, cooperate to the best of their ability. And that’s what we lack in the world these days. If you look into politics, anywhere in the world, basically, you just see this thing, we’re like, well, we chose the best of the worst, but we don’t really have a great relationship with the person. Can you imagine? Can you just imagine a political leader of integrity? I don’t even know if that’s ever happened. Like, we’ve had ones that have more integrity than others. But no, that’s like comparing dwarves to midgets kind of thing. Like, it’s never told people there. To have a leader of integrity. At a no Nelson Mandela put him up there. But then I wasn’t really involved. Personally, I’ve read his book, who knows what he was really like? Anyway, the point is, look, you can still be bold, you can still be assertive, you can even still be persistent. You can want things and go for it. You can have a belief system that you want to spread around, and you want to enroll other people. And you can be interested in making more money and getting a girlfriend and all that stuff, you’re allowed to want to go for all that stuff. There’s nothing unethical about pursuing goals. What’s unethical was prioritizing the outcomes of those goals over people’s wellbeing. If you switch that around, if you make sure that no matter how bad you want the goal, you will not compromise somebody else’s well being to get there. And everything will go well, I think it doesn’t mean you’ll always get what you want, you’ll get nose and you’ll get rejections and you’ll get failures. In the long run, you build up this reputation as a trustworthy, honest person of integrity. And that’s gonna get you good results might take a bit longer. But the results will be solid, you won’t have to worry about something coming in destroying you in the future. Those are my thoughts very opinionated one I know but I had a brojo member asked me what it’s like to well ask me how to influence someone ethically. So I thought I’d give it a crack. Please comment below, let us know your thoughts on it. And of course, if you want to get into more of the stuff, come and join us a brochure. Thank you so much for listening. We’ll see you next time. Well not see you, but you know. Anyway, bye

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