A get a lot of push-back from some people when I say things like “being nice is bad” and “people pleasers are mentally ill”. In this post, I’d like to clear up why I say things like this.

Munchausen by proxy

I’d like to start my argument by talking about another mental disorder: Munchausen By Proxy

Munchausen by proxy (now clinically known as Factitious Disorder Imposed on Another) is a mental health condition in which a caregiver, usually a parent, fabricates or induces illness in someone under their care—typically a child—to gain attention, sympathy, or praise from others for their caregiving.

Lately in the USA there was a very famous case about a girl named Gypsy Rose Blanchard, and it’s worth exploring if you want to see a real life example of this.

This disorder is one of the most unusual and horrifying that I’ve ever encountered. One woman I was working with would severely injure her children (e.g. throw them through a window) to get attention for herself. In most cases, the caregiver basically tries to keep their child unwell so that the caregiver is needed and seen as someone the child requires in order to survive and function.

I’d like you to keep this in mind when we talk about people pleasing and Nice Guy Syndrome…

The story we tell ourselves

At a superficial level of the mind, the people pleaser has a story that justifies their behaviour. They have “good reasons” why they self-sacrifice to help others, give advice, try to make people feel happy, avoid and prevent conflict, and generally hide any uncomfortable thoughts or feelings from others.

The story is different in details for everyone, but it usually follows a few noble themes:

• I’m helping people have better lives, because feeling “good” means you’re enjoying life
• I’m a good person for doing this; this is morally right
• The world would be a better place if more people acted like me (and people who don’t act like me are jerks/selfish)
• I’m reducing pain and increasing pleasure (e.g. by stopping a conflict and making people laugh)
• It hurts people to show my negative thoughts, beliefs and feelings, therefore it’s good to hide these things

These stories make us feel great about our people pleasing behaviour. We feel like we’re the only good people in a dark world, shining our light, making it brighter, and setting an example that others should follow.

These stories are all complete bullshit.

We tell ourselves these noble lies to hide our true reasons for people pleasing behaviour. We do this because our real motives are horrifying, and we’d rather not face them.

The real reasons we people-please

At the heart of every people pleaser and Nice Guy is an obsession with CONTROL.

All those noble “nice” and “helpful” things we do have a hidden agenda: to control the emotional state of everyone involved. Our primary motive is to create a safe and comfortable emotional environment for ourselves. We are not serving others; we are using them.

We cheer people up because we prefer happiness, not because making them happy is what’s best for them.

We “sacrifice” ourselves for others so that they’ll feel grateful and appreciative, not because we care for their wellbeing.

We give people advise to control their behaviour and make them more likely to do things we agree with, not because we want them to make good life decisions for their own preferences.

While we may have some genuine interest deep down about other people’s wellbeing, this is not the primary motivation for our people-pleasing behaviour.

The proof is in the logic

At this point you may disagree with me, feeling that you people-please because it helps people and improves their lives. You think you’re having a positive impact on other people by being a Nice Guy.

But are you SURE about that???

You may think that when a person has a short term “positive” reaction to you, like laughing, feeling relieved, or saying “Thank you”, that’s evidence that you’ve improved their life. It might sound logical, but it’s not.

Someone is grieving or sad, and you cheer them up. Have you not interrupted the grieving process prematurely? You’ve interfered with the normal function of dealing with loss. You’ve delayed their healing.

You give someone advice rather than letting them figure things out for themselves. Have you not weakened their problem-solving abilities? You’ve deprived them of the helpful life-lessons that can only come from trial and error experimentation, you’ve stolen their glorious feeling of triumph that comes from solving something on their own, AND you’ve infected their idea about what’s best for them with your subjective opinions and judgments.

You hold back on giving someone negative feedback because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. What is the long term cost of them not receiving that information? They will likely go on to to repeat that mistake because your reaction gave them the impression that they’re on track, possibly forming a long term habit that they can’t see or break, and it causes them suffering in their relationships, career, and self-worth.

You allow your pessimistic friend to whine and complain about their situation, even though you know they cause their own misery. What damage have you done by withholding your frustration? They will now continue to reinforce their victim-mindset and be unable to take responsibility for their life.

Once you start being honest about the long term effects of your people pleasing, you’ll notice that you do NOT have a positive impact. As the years roll by, the people you’re pleasing DON’T improve. If anything, many of them become weaker and more dependent on you over time.

But, of course, that’s the point…

Why people pleasing is Munchausen by proxy

The deep dark horrible truth you’ve been avoiding about yourself is that you deliberately keep people “sick” with your people pleasing. You treat them as if they need your help to enjoy their lives until it becomes true.

Anyone who’s worked in rehabilitation, coaching or therapy knows that making people happy and comfortable is NOT how you improve their life. Change requires pain and emotional crises. Real help HURTS.

For people to have a good life, they must learn to take responsibility for themselves, process painful emotions, solve problems, and become self-sufficient. People pleasing causes the OPPOSITE of these developments. People pleasing delays or prevents growth in others.

When you make people happy or help them solve problems or prevent conflict, all you’re doing is weakening them psychologically and preventing their self-development so that they will be more dependent on you.

I used to do this shit all the time. I’d repeatedly give someone advice until they couldn’t make a move without consulting me. I’d make people laugh so much that they felt obliged to invite me to parties. I’d counsel people into being easy-going so they’d never build strong relationships with other people.

But in my mind, I was the hero!

I didn’t feel manipulative. My mind constantly told me that I was valuable. It told me I was helping people and making them feel good, and that made me A Good Person.

I could not see that I was driven by my deep insecurities and toxic shame – my fear that no one could love me unless I made myself indispensable. I didn’t realise I needed to be needed.

It wasn’t until I started rehabilitating criminal offenders that I realised that helping people – really helping them – is incredibly uncomfortable. It means watching them fail without intervening. It means confronting them on their poor behaviour and enduring their defensive and aggressive reactions. It often means not being liked by them!

If you REALLY cared about other people, you’d let them process emotions without interfering. You’d let them make decisions about their life without trying to control them. You’d let someone else be the helpful one or the kind one or the funny one. You’d let them hate you if that’s how they really felt.

Basically, you’d leave them to please themselves!

Stop telling yourself that you’re a good person, and instead measure the long term impact you actually have on people. Notice how you create co-dependency rather than autonomy; self-doubt rather than confidence; laziness rather than motivation; entitlement rather than responsibility.

I know you feel guilty when you don’t people-please, but that guilt is a MISFIRE. Your system is wired backwards. You should be feeling guilty about trying to control everyone, not about leaving them to figure out life for themselves!

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