When dealing with people hurting you, many of you make the mistake of trying to categorise them as generally Good or Bad.

If you label someone as Good, you will then make excuses and exceptions for their bad behaviour. You will avoid confrontation with them, not wanting to ruin the good relationship you have with this Good Person. You will justify and explain the things they do that you don’t like as reasonable or understandable. You will let them mistreat you, and tell yourself that you’re wrong for thinking they did something bad.

If you label someone as Bad, then you will have zero patience or understanding for their behaviour. You’ll ignore your hypocrisy – hating on them for doing things you also do when it suits you. You won’t bother to confront them either, because you have no intention of having a further relationship with them. You’ll overlook any potential they have for goodness, and give them a life sentence of being a Bad Person.

These labels are a convenient excuse to avoid conflict.

This is the real reason you do it. By imposing life sentences of of Good Person or Bad Person, you remove any reason to confront either of them. You are afraid of conflict. You are afraid of people having uncomfortable feelings around you.

Or you’re OK with conflict, but you’re afraid of nuance and empathy. You don’t want to have to think carefully, or see things from other peoples’ perspective, and you use “high standards” to avoid connecting with others.

Regardless of your reasons, categorizing people morally always comes from a place of insecurity. This is not what a confident person does.

As they say in the Mafia: “You’re only as good as your last envelope”.

The confident and healthy way to assess and address behaviour from others is to categorise the individual actions, not the whole person. And rather than moralistic labels like Good and Bad, it’s much more effective to use labels that address the health of the relationship. I prefer Helpful vs Harmful.

The thing they just did is either supportive of our relationship or detrimental to it. This does not tell me anything about them as a whole person (at least not until a pattern starts to emerge and we see how they react to being confronted). It only tells me whether it’s something to be encouraged or discouraged.

Their track history is irrelevant. A murderer could treat someone well for years before killing them. That same murderer could be a thug for years, and then surprisingly do something that enhances his local community.

All we need to address is the most recent action.

If we address Harmful behaviours immediately, some vital information emerges. They will either respond to our confrontation cooperatively, or they will resist. They will either moderate that behaviour in the future, or they will persist.

Now we see patterns. Now we know if someone actually has our best interests at heart.

To protect and secure good relationships, you must address any Harmful behaviour as soon as it arises. You don’t need to be harsh or cruel with how you address it – indeed, this would mean you’re the one now being Harmful. You just need to ensure you’ve made it clear that this cannot continue if they want a relationship with you in the future.

If someone does have a good track history with me, I’ll be gentle in my confrontation, yet still clear and assertive. I’ll assume they didn’t mean to hurt me, that they simply are dysfunctional or naive, and that if I educate them, then they will make an effort to improve.

If my confrontation does not have a positive effect, I will then become much sterner. Compassion will be replaced with ruthlessness. I will leave them no option but to respect me or lose me. The same goes for anyone who already has a bad track history with me – they will have to earn leniency through a long-term proven improvement.

Learning to say, “I don’t like it when you do that, please do it this way instead” will tell you nearly everything you need to know about someone once you see their reaction.

That being said, just because you’re upset doesn’t mean what they did is objectively Harmful. This whole thing is nuanced. If they weren’t actively trying to manipulate you, and you just got upset with how they live their life, that’s your problem; not theirs. They are only being Harmful when they have other options for how they can live their life and communicate, and yet they insist on doing it in a way that crosses over into your life and causes measurable damage.