Overcoming the Fear of Being WRONG

Fear of failure and getting things “wrong” may be the most influential psychological force in the average person’s life. We barely think about it, but every day we make little adjustments to what we want to do in order to avoid upsetting other people or being judged as “wrong”. But what if this fear is baseless and there’s no reason why failure can’t be a good thing?

Dan’s Top Resources

The Naked Truth: Using Shameless Honesty to Enhance Your Confidence, Connections and Integrity

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The 3X Confidence and Authenticity Masterclass Program [Udemy course]

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Overcome Your Fear of Rejection… Permanently [Udemy course]

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The Legendary Life: Build the Motivation and Confidence to Create an Authentic Lifestyle [book]

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Nothing to Lose: Using Curiosity to Destroy Hesitation, Procrastination and Limiting Beliefs [book]

A philosophical examination of the confident mindset, from a scientific and practical viewpoint. This book will help you decode confidence into a set of beliefs and behaviours that you can control.

Full transcript (unedited)

What’s up, welcome back to brojo online. And today we’re going to be talking about the fear of getting it wrong. It’s possibly one of the most ruling fears that exists in society today, and probably controls your life without you even really being aware of its existence close before I dive into it, please hit the subscribe button, there’s a like a little notification II thing to let you know when my videos are coming up, if you liked this shit, so that way you’ll know when it’s happening, and so on, so forth. And there’s some benefit to me in some way. I don’t know where. So when I talk about the fear of being wrong, I’m not just talking about fear of failure, which is to explicitly not meet a criteria or standard to not achieve a goal that’s under the umbrella of the fear of being wrong. The fear of being wrong is so much broader than they’re so much more insidious and deep. It includes being perceived as somewhat unintelligent, or silly, or naive. It’s includes any type of behavior that that upset somebody, even if it seemed to be right. So somebody with a fear of getting things wrong will actually adjust what’s right and wrong, depending on the reaction other people have. So if you think you’re doing something right, and then they get upset, you will then change your mind to say that was wrong to do. So this is the kind of thing I’m talking about with the fear of being wrong, you’re actually really worried that somebody else is going to have what you consider to be a negative reaction. And if they do you call that being wrong, and you’re afraid of that happening. Like all things, this probably stems from childhood conditioning. Nearly all of us, all of you watching this video have been through what is known as the modern schooling system, which is almost identical all over the world. It’s a very outdated system, based on getting things right by somebody else’s very specific standards. And it’s very easy to get things wrong. And when you do, it’s treated as disastrous, you know, you are deemed to have failed as a person, you are a stupid person, for getting things wrong. Generally, in the classroom, the experience of getting things wrong in front of others is embarrassing. It’s very rarely encouraged or supported. It was different for me, when I went to university were wrong answers were kind of encouraged. And, you know, everything was validated as an attempt to answer the question, but when I was in high school in primary school, very much we got it wrong, you were laughed at? Or scolded, or you got the red pin on your exam, even if it was artistic, for example, writing an essay? I mean, how can you say an essay is wrong, if it’s somebody’s perception of something. And yet, if it didn’t meet the criteria that the teacher had on her little scorecard that she didn’t even write she got from some government authority, then you’re deemed to be wrong as a person also mentioned being in the home. For those of you in relationships, where there’s what’s called enmeshment going on, where you are basically held responsible for somebody else’s emotions, where the relationship between you and your caregiver or parent is birthed into either a friendship or even a semi undertone of romantic relationship. Now, quite often, you get a parent treat one of the kids as if it’s a partner, I don’t mean sexually, but you know, downloading their issues onto them, getting them to solve their problems for them, instead of being the parent. So again, we get this constant theme of like, if you get it wrong, if you missed it, there’s this big emotional reaction, a big shameful reaction. And we start to believe, hey, it’s wrong to be wrong. This is particularly present and nice guys and people pleasers, which is my specialty. They end up avoiding leadership and risk taking, they get into what I call green light syndrome, which is waiting for permission and encouragement and a green light from others, before moving forward with something they’re always asking or somehow indirectly checking what other people want, rather than just kind of guessing and having a go at it. And of course, their focus on what other people want, completely undermines their own value system. A nice guy trying to decide what the right thing to do is basically we’re trying to decide what will make other people feel good. And that might be totally deviated from his own moral compass and principles. So for a nice guy getting it right as everyone’s happy. And even if you do the right thing, but your principles of people are unhappy, it’s considered to be getting it wrong, which must be avoided at all costs. And the way to avoid it is to ask other people in one way or another, what they want what is right, and then deliver that no matter what your own principles are. Give you a real simple example. It happens a lot as you might ask your partner what she wants to eat for dinner, rather than guessing. And just bringing food home or starting to cook something without first getting permission. Now a lot of people would call this being considerate, but when a nice guy or people pleaser, does it it’s more than just considerate. It is fear based rules. avoidance, it’s not a healthy motive behind a simple behavior like that. And you get people to check in with their boss all the time, or they have a kind of scanner going in the social world where they’re just kind of looking to see what other people think is right and gravitating toward that. I mean, that’s what got me into university in the first place. I mean, if you had given me no background information, no influence, no culture, and said, Do you want to go to university, I will say more school for that school sucked. But because everyone was going to university, he also praised to have a degree, which I now learned as basically worthless. I just kind of glided into university, I just went with what made everybody happy made people proud of me got recognition and approval, not really even once checking in to go to one with three more years of fucking assignments and shit. To watch, the answer would have been hell, no, I don’t. Now the problem with this approach was fear of getting it wrong to doing what’s right by other people’s standards, is that it’s a bigger risk than getting it wrong. Especially when it comes to relationships with other people. Why? Because in simple terms, you become untrustworthy. If people can’t trust that, you’ll go for what you want, and say what you really mean. And be willing to make a mess and get things wrong and be embarrassed if necessary to live by your principles, then they can’t trust anything you do. If you’ve ever had a partner who doesn’t seem to believe your compliments, it’ll be because you never confront them. So they don’t know what you really believe. In which case, your compliments are superficial, they can’t trust them, because they haven’t actually heard you criticize, you come to be seen as an unreliable, flaky person, even though people might not consciously recognize this. They just get a sense from you of being too easygoing, of too flexible, malleable, if somebody gets to know you for a while, they’ll see contradict yourself. On one hand, you know, in a certain conversation, you might be leaning this way politically, but then they’ll see you talk to somebody else, and you’ll lean the other way to suit them. And I’ll say, Hey, this guy doesn’t really have a compass, he just goes with whatever goes. And people will pick up on this, even if they don’t sort of consciously sort of tick that box. So notice this happening. And this kind of distrust for you this suspicion about you will start to form. And this may be one of the main reasons why you don’t feel close to anyone, they’re actually keeping you at a distance because you’re just not real. And this is particularly important when it comes to confrontations when confrontations are one of the main getting it wrong things that nice guys avoid, you know, to upset someone deliberately just for your own principles. That’s a big no, no, in the nice guy world is a very wise man once told me about women, if you can’t stand up to them, they won’t believe that you can stand up for them. So people will not be able to trust that you are protective or liable as a kind of backup person in any way. If you can’t even confront them, somebody who’s safe to confront how can they trust that you’re going to confront say the person who wants to stab them if you can’t even confront the person who’s going to be nice to you about it. So there’s more distrust of forms here. So you can see the risk with avoiding getting it wrong is that you basically end up all alone. And that’s a such a greater risk, then occasionally making people uncomfortable. Thank you thank well, you end up with as you either disintegrate the relationships you do have, or you enable and encourage quite toxic and unhealthy codependent relationships. The only kind of people that are going to like you, people pleasing them are fucked up people, narcissists and such, they’re the only ones who are going to enjoy you, bending and flexing, and doing whatever you need to do to make them happy to avoid being wrong. In fact, I’ve dealt with manipulative criminal offenders, murderers, psychopaths, rapists, and serial pedophile some of the most manipulative people on the planet. And there’s nothing that they like more than a person who wants to avoid getting it wrong. All they have to deal with that person as influenced them into believing a certain standard as right, and then get them to feel anxious about meeting that standard. It’s the easiest way to manipulate someone. They just gaslight, the mental and basically one of the key problems with this fear of getting it wrong. Is that the idea of getting it wrong sort of surfaces in your head, and you’re immediately repel away from it. Without even asking the question. What happens if I get it wrong? What am I afraid of? People are so afraid of the concept of wrongness, that they don’t even explore what really happens when you do get it wrong. And if getting it wrong is really a thing. Most people aren’t actually that cowardly. In my experience, like my coaching clients, once they become aware that getting it wrong can be tested. They’re quite happy to go and do it at least at a small scale first and then building up. So one of the biggest issues is just saying I can’t get it wrong without going well, actually, can I should I give it a go? And most importantly, what’s the worst thing that’s actually going to happen? I want you to right now. As you’re watching this video, get into your head, a common idea of what getting it wrong means to you. Okay? Maybe it’s offending somebody, maybe it’s not meeting a certain quality standard at work. Maybe it’s being messy in the home, whatever getting it wrong is for you. And now I want you to play a scenario in your head once you actually let that happen, what happens next? Realistically, what’s the next thing that’s going to happen? And I want you to keep asking, and then what happens after that, and then what happens after that, until you arrive at the thing that’s actually dangerous. Where’s the point where you actually get harmed here from getting it wrong? Because you’ll find a nine out of 10 situations. And as you dig for, like, Okay, this happens, and then there’s this consequence. And this consequence, if you’re being realistic and not overly dramatic, you’ll find that the final consequences basically nothing happens. That’s what you are afraid of nothing at all. And even when big consequences happen, they’re usually in your best interest. For example, a few speaking your mind and trying to have integrity is getting it wrong at your workplace. And they fire you for that. Thank FUCKING GOD, because you’re in the wrong job. He’s get us out of there ASAP. Right? If you tried to, like take the lead and be bold with your partner gets such a massive negative reaction that you break up, congratulations, you just got out of a shitty relationship. So there really is no negative consequence to getting it wrong if you’re just attempting to live by your principles. Because in the end, when the dust settles, the life will be better suited to you. You might lose some things, but they really nothing that you needed to keep. So you living with integrity, you tried to do what’s right, by your principles, will in the long run after their sort of rough transition patch be exactly the way you need to be loving. So how can you even call that wrong? So let’s say you get it wrong, you know what the most likely thing that’s going to happen is people are going to get a little bit uncomfortable, and you will too. People may be disappointed in you. Confused, upset, frustrated with you. And then they get over it and they move on with their life. That’s the most likely consequence. They have a reaction. It doesn’t last because nothing ever does. They get over it. And within a couple of weeks, it’s like nothing happened. That’s the most likely thing that’s going to happen. So ask yourself, why the fuck are you scared of that? There are people watching this right now who have this fear of getting things wrong. And yet they’ve done bungee jumping, or they’ve ridden a motorbike, or they’ve gotten into a fight whatever. They’ve done things way riskier than getting it wrong. And I’ve never stopped to ask like, Why am I being pissy about this thing? When I’m brave and all these other areas? You’ve got to understand there’s no such thing as objectively wrong. Let’s say I say something that offends you. Well, you could say that that’s wrong. Or you could say that it builds your tolerance for unfairness, which is a great tolerance to build in a world that is generally unfair. So how could it be wrong? If that makes you stronger? You might think it’s wrong to be a heroin addict. But if your recovery means that you become someone who helps other addicts, and you become a role model in the community, then how can being heroin heroin addict be considered being wrong if that was the final result? If it leads you to a life of integrity? How can it be wrong? How is it not just the necessary steps along the way? You know, what’s their famous kind of apocryphal tale Thomas Edison doing the light bulb wrong? 1000 times right? Measure if he was afraid of that would still have fucking candles probably, or somebody else would have come up with the light bulb. Imagine if everyone was too afraid to do 1000 things wrong. You wouldn’t be able to see my face right now. Be too dark. So 1000 rooms lead to light bulbs. So how can you call them wrong? They’re really 1000 steps towards right rather than wrong. And that’s how most wrongs really are. They’re all lessons. They’re all developments that all progress. So how can you even call it wrong? How is anything really wrong? If it makes progress? Start small. Lean lacks leadership. You know, stand up for yourself at the team meeting disagree with the boss on some minor issue. You know, cook a dinner for your partner without consulting her as to what she wants to eat. buy someone a present without trying to figure out what they really like. Just guess. Guess and go for it. Do these little risk taking moves. Let somebody see that your house is messy. Go out dressed like shit for once. Do anything that you think is wrong? Just see what happens. Does the world fall apart? Do you die? Do you even get injured? Does the discomfort even last for more than a few seconds? Because if not, nothing bad really happens. And you got to ask yourself, Why have I been scared of it? US, and then you can start upping the scale and taking bigger risks, to realize that they’re not really risks at all, doesn’t mean you have to be inconsiderate, make a mess, and then clean it up. If you get it wrong, and people get hurt in some way people get their feelings hurt. You can clean that up with them afterwards and say, Hey, thanks for tolerating my attempt, you know, I’m trying to work on being a bit more brave. And because see, that made you uncomfortable, I appreciate you giving me the support. You know, you don’t have to be like, Well, fuck you. Anyway, I’m going to that you don’t have to do that. But don’t clean something up before it’s messy. Make the mess first. Because you’ll find maybe 50% of the time at least people don’t even care, there’s nothing that needs to be cleaned up. And the times that they do care, you can go talk to them, or you can figure out that you’re in the wrong situation and leave or whatever. But don’t guess go find out for sure. And I’ve got to say obviously, as a coach, this isn’t just a pitch for my services, but a sort of public service announcement. If you have this issue, this kind of avoidance of getting things wrong and this fear of failure, it’s tip of the iceberg. You’ve got some deeper shit going on some serious kind of traumatic work that needs to be done. And if you need help with that you get in contact Okay can either help you myself or refer you on to other services and people who can help you as well? Because this is just a symptom of a deeper self confidence issue. You correct that self confidence issue. You don’t have to worry about getting things wrong because you won’t even believe it’s possible to get things wrong. You realize everything is just neutral. Thank you so much for watching. I appreciate your support as always, for those of you made it to the end of the video, who ran for you. I’ll see y’all next time. Cheers.


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