Someone close to me recently got some very helpful feedback. It was pointed out to her that she spends most of her time hoping for things to NOT happen; a classic symptom of anxiety.
When she gets on a plane, she hopes there won’t be any turbulence. She hopes her loved ones won’t get sick. She hopes nothing will go wrong.
She’s focused almost entirely on the things she doesn’t want to happen: imagined bad outcomes. Even when she starts out focusing on something she does want, like to lose weight, it quickly changes into a don’t want (e.g. don’t want to get fat).
This is wishing for the absence of something, rather than wishing for something to exist. This is a bottomless pit; there are infinite possible things that can go “wrong”, while wishing for something you do want limits the imagination to a single focus point – much easier to manage.
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Remember when you were learning how to drive, and the instructor pointed out that when you’re driving at night and another car is coming toward you, it’s best to look away from their headlights, to the other side of the road?
We subconsciously steer toward where we are looking, so looking away from the other car is actually safer than looking at it. It feels unnatural at first, like looking at a risk is how you manage it. But focusing on driving well is more effective for managing the risk than deal with it directly.
When you focus on things that might go wrong, you subconsciously start steering towards them rather than away. Your pessimistic viewpoint will become a self-fulfilling prophecy: that which you focus on is more likely to happen, even when you’re focusing on preventing it.
If you try to avoid rejection, you’ll end up alone because you won’t take the risks required to initiate a relationship.
If you try to avoid putting on weight, you’ll end up getting fat because the stress about weight gain will cause inflammation (which leads to fat retention) and you’ll start binge eating as a coping mechanism.
If you try to avoid drinking, you’ll eventually relapse because you’re obsessing about alcohol constantly and priming yourself to think about drinking in all situations. It’s only a matter of time before your willpower fails you.
Ironically, by wishing for things to NOT happen we end up attracting them.
It’s far more productive to wish FOR something to happen instead, particularly something that is under our control (i.e. not an outcome but an effort).
There’s no reward to aim for when you’re hoping for the lack of something. Even if you’re successful, you don’t get anything for it. To succeed in preventing something from happening just means you stay as you are – no growth or improvement.
Whereas if you aim for something, then there’s a measurable reward in achieving your goal.
If I really want to lose weight, I should focus on eating well and exercising. I should measure the efforts I make and the food I eat, rather than my weight or waist size.
If I want to find a partner, I should focus on meeting new people and increasing how boldly honest I am, measuring how many attempts I make and the quality of the people I’m meeting. People who “reject” me can be discarded as irrelevant – there’s no need to measure experiences with bad fit people.
If I want to do well financially, I should focus on learning to invest efficiently, developing my value through skill improvement, and managing my budget effectively. Rather than trying to save money and avoid spending – i.e. being scared of money – I should simply aim to exceed my spending with income each month, and reward myself when I succeed.
Stop dwelling on what you DON’T want and what you hope WON’T happen, and instead reverse it. What do you want, and what behaviour is most likely to improve your chances of that happening?
It’s proven conclusively that optimistic people do better overall than pessimistic people [1], which is obvious when you think about the people who focus on the road ahead rather than staring at the headlights of the oncoming traffic.
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Thanks for reading
Hope to speak to you soon
Dan Munro
Citations
- Peterson, C., & Barrett, L. C. (1987). Explanatory style and academic performance among university freshmen. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 53(3), 603–607.