Below is the basic structure that my coaching sessions have when I’m meeting with someone for the first time. This is different to other sessions in the way it begins, but similar to normal coaching from about point 5 onwards.
Temperature check
The first thing I do is establish how each of us is feeling about the call itself. I’m not a big fan of using manufactured small talk to warm them up. I like to get straight into it.
So I usually start by sharing how I’m feeling (e.g. “I’m happy to finally meet you in person and go through what we were emailing about in more detail”), and then I ask them how they’re feeling about having the call, specifically.
I’ll normalise anything they’re feeling. If they say they’re nervous, I’ll respond with, “Good! That means this is important to you”.
Previous experience
Next, I want to know about what they’ve done in the past that was similar, and how they were affected by that. I’ll ask if they’ve had coaching, therapy, mentorship, or group programs before.
If they say yes, I’ll ask them about that experience. I’m looking for anything that might need to be dismissed prior to our session. For example, if they had 3 years of therapy but it isn’t working any more, I’ll point out that coaching is different to therapy.
Overall, I want them to detach this session from any previous experience, and to treat it like a new event.
Expectations
I’ll then lay out what I expect from them. It’s not much; usually just honesty and courage. I’ll point out that I can only help them as much as they’ll let me — the more vulnerable they are, the more I can help.
I’ll ask them to share their expectations or hopes about what the session will be like. If there are any concerns raised, I’ll deal with them here.
For example, if they say “I want you to hold me to account”, I’ll point out that as a coach it’s my job to help them hold themselves to account, and it’s their responsibility to make the most out of the session.
Remove sales/obligation fears
Most people meeting with a coach for the first time will have anxiety, anticipating some sort of high-pressure sales tactic or pitch. This will distract them throughout the session, especially if you’re the kind of coach who hides your prices until the end of the session.
Firstly, my fees are obvious and available on my website, and I prefer that they know what I charge before I meet them, so there’s no unpleasant shocks and I don’t end up dealing with time-wasters.
Secondly, I want both me and the client to treat this first session as a no-obligation low-pressure event. To achieve this, I genuinely state up front that there won’t be any sales conversations in this session, and that we won’t even decide if we want to work together further until after they’ve taken action following the session.
Watch them breathe a sigh of relief when you do this!
If they ask “Why not?”, you can tell them that you have high standards for who you’ll work with, and also that you don’t want to sign up someone who isn’t enthusiastic and certain it will be valuable.
Choose a single topic
We often feel pressured in the first session to make as big of an impact as possible, with the neediness driving us to “get the client” by impressing them. This usually leads coaches to pack too much into a session, making it ultimately worthless and overwhelming.
Or, coaches allow a session to wander from problem to problem in a completely unrestrained exploration, using a lot of time without accomplishing much.
A question I nearly always ask is something like this: “If there was only ONE thing we could talk about today, and that thing would have the biggest impact on your life right now, what is that thing?”
If a client gives me a list of different things, I force them to choose just one. If we successfully deal with the chosen topic earlier than expected, I’ll end the session rather than use the “extra” time.
Coaching is about quality, not quantity. Go deep rather than wide.
Get more specific
What will often happen when you ask them to choose one thing to discuss is that they’ll panic about wanting to get the most out of this precious (free) session, and so will give you a major big-ticket item, like “I want to be more confident” or “I need to stop people-pleasing” or “I want to be a better father”.
While it’s tempting to tackle these big issues, they are really much better dealt with one small piece at a time. So insist that your client be more specific, and narrow down the topic to a very manageable and real-time problem.
Coaching uses “small” problems to solve big problems. Everything is a fractal, meaning that whatever petty or small issue they have right now is representative of much deeper core issues.
Their beef with their boss (small) represents their inability to respect themselves (big). Use the small specific issue to dig deep into the big core issue, rather than trying to tackle the big core issue directly.
Or, as I like to tell them, the best way to eat a whale is one bite at a time.
Why? Why? Why?
A key principle of powerful coaching: their first answer is always a lie.
This means you cannot take their first topic suggestion seriously and run the whole session on their first response. You must dig, assuming that the first answer was not the full truth or the most important truth.
I like the idea of the 3 Why’s. Whatever their answer, you respond like a curious preschooler. Why? Yeah, but why? And why does that happen? And why do you care about that? Etc.
If someone says, “I want to find a girlfriend”, you say, “Why do you want a girlfriend?” instead of just jumping into dating solutions. When they respond with, “Because I feel like I’m missing something important”, you say, “Why do you think having a girlfriend is important?”
Basically, act like their answer makes no sense to you, like they’re not even sure what the problem actually is (because this is true).
You’ll feel it when you get to the real problem. It will sound deep, part of a lifelong struggle that started in childhood, and something with tentacles that reach into all areas of their life. The “need for a girlfriend” will eventually be deconstructed until you find that underneath it’s all about the idea of not being good enough as you are — that’s a real issue worth working on.
Define the problem
Once you feel like you’ve hit the real issue, just reflect it back to them. Give them your interpretation of it, and cite the examples you’ve seen so far. Share your own experiences, or those of other similar clients, to reinforce the normality of the issue (this will also show that this is solvable).
One of the simplest yet most powerful coaching techniques is to help someone understand their problem clearly. Most people can solve their own problems most of the time… if they know what the problem is.
If the person has been trying hard and taking bold actions to solve this, but they’re not getting anywhere, then they have an naivety issue: they don’t really understand the problem.
If someone can clearly articulate the issue and show that they understand it, but they’re not doing anything about it despite claiming to be desperate to solve it, then they have a cowardice issue: they’re too scared to take uncomfortable action.
Reflect this idea to the client and let them know which one you think they are. This will seed the kind of work they need to focus on: either increased self-awareness or increased courage.
Current self v Ideal self
Once the problem is clear, ask the client to describe to you the person they’d be if the problem was solved (or well managed). Get them to paint a picture of this person in detail, including how their daily life has changed, how they feel about themselves (e.g. their baseline confidence), and how their usual results would change.
What they’re doing is describing the goal of the coaching: to become this person.
When someone says, “I can’t afford it” in response to your coaching offer, what they’re really saying is “I am not convinced this is valuable enough”. This either happens because you suck at coaching (surprisingly rare), or because you didn’t help them find something worth getting coaching for (common).
When you ask someone how much a generic coaching session is “worth”, they’ll probably guess something in the range of $80-$150. But when you ask them how much it’s worth to become this person they’ve always dreamed of being but never thought possible, they’ll say it’s priceless.
So make sure you work towards that long-term vision right from the first session, and help both of you to see solving smaller problems as steps towards that bigger goal, rather than seeing them as completed goals on their own.
When you do get around to offering paid coaching, it should be something along the lines of, “We’ll work together until you are that confident, authentic and powerful man you just described to me. I won’t settle for less than that!”
Bridge the gap
At this point in the session, the balance of conversation will move from them to you. You’ve been doing most of the listening up until this point, and now it’s time to give back.
Remember, if they knew how to get from where they are to where they want to be, they wouldn’t be talking to you. So you can rest assured that no matter how intimidatingly successful they might appear to you, they still will benefit massively from your coaching.
Now that they’ve described the core problem (who they are right now) and what it would look like if the problem was solved (who they wish they were), you can map out some basic ideas as to what would need to happen to bridge that gap.
In my experience, you will see consistent patterns that apply to nearly all humans.
Usually, they have compromised on their own principles (what I call “core values”) in order to get certain outcomes. Usually, they are engaged in some form of deception or dishonesty that has eroded their life over time. And nearly always, they’re fearfully avoiding some form of discomfort — a pattern of avoidance going back a long time to a traumatic event.
This is where you get bold as a coach, and tell them the hard truths. Let them know that this is no quick fix or easy ride. Be honest about the specific suffering you believe they will have to experience. But also let them know that you believe it’s possible (if you’re an authentic coach you should already have walked this path yourself, and still be walking it).
Let them know what key beliefs would need to be challenged, what changes would need to be made to their management of emotions, and what measurable shifts in behaviour will be necessary. Give them a diagnosis and a prescription.
Give fully. Give them enough that they could do it on their own if they really wanted to. Admit that they could and that they don’t need you.
Then simply let them know how much working with you would accelerate their progress. I often say something like, “This took me about 7 years on my own, so I try to make sure it only takes a few months for my clients”.
Small step forward
To wrap the session up with something truly valuable, you need to switch the focus back to them and ask for a specific action they could take in the immediate future to put into practice everything that’s been discussed in the session.
This may have already been identified earlier in the session, in which case this part of the session will just be about acknowledging that.
You’re looking for something uncomfortable but not terrifying. They should feel it, but not so much that they won’t be able to go through with it.
Also, make sure it’s under their control. Clients will often suggest a “reactive goal”, as in they will do something if something specific happens first, like a reaction to a hoped-for event. This leaves the door open for avoiding potential challenges. Instead, insist on an action where they will initiate and make it happen, something that does not rely too much on others.
Generally I find the first action to be something like speaking an honest truth, or getting started in a small way on a big project, or even just reflecting on past experiences with a new eye.
Commitment to action
Once they’ve named the action, ask if they’re committed to it. When and where is this going to happen? What if something gets in the way? What’s a smaller back-up option if needed?
And then reflect that commitment back to them: “OK, so if I email you on Monday you’ll be able to tell me all about the confrontation you initiated with your brother, right?”
Check in with how they feel in general about the session and the committed action. If you’ve really served them and they’re a good fit for coaching, they should be straining at the lead like an impatient dog at this point, eager to get on with it. If they’re not enthusiastic, you might need to double-check that you’ve chosen the right level of courage and the right type of action.
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Follow up session
A simple principle in coaching is “No dead ends.” Never say goodbye and just hope that they’ll initiate later.
Despite being keen for coaching, the level of investment and courage required often causes potential clients to start doubting themselves after the high of the session wears off. Plus, real life gets in the way, and their fears and insecurities will persuade them to put off coming back to you.
So pre-book a second session during the first one. You can tell them that if either of you changes your mind before then, you’ll cancel it. Let them know that if they don’t take the action then they should cancel the session. Show them that you only deal with quality clients.
It’s only in that second session that you’ll talk about paid coaching. And even that is only after a powerful reflection over how the action went and what it brings up for further work (i.e. the follow up is another full coaching session).
If, during the first session, they are super keen and begging to know how to work with you more, this is a good sign. But don’t get too excited. You really should have some standards about them being action-takers, because there’s almost nothing worse than working long term with a client that you have to drag kicking and screaming into change.
Be honest with them about how you feel based on this first session. I might say something like, “My instinct and experience tells me I’d love working with you, that you’re my kind of dude, but I want to make sure we decide this calmly and rationally, so let’s see what happens between now and the next time we speak and by then I’ll know for sure”.
And that’s how I do the first session!
If you’d like to know more about my coaching protege training program, email me dan@brojo.org.