Love Is Not a Feeling: Why You’re Probably Misunderstanding It

Most people think love is a feeling — but I’m going to tell you something that might rewire your entire understanding of relationships:

Love is not a feeling.

Sure, we feel things toward people: longing, happiness, concern, joy, even lust. But those emotions already have names. Love is not one of them. Love is a narrative — a story we attach to a cluster of emotions. When we consistently feel a certain way about someone, we label it “love,” and that’s where things start to go sideways.

Take an anxious person. Their version of “love” might be stress, neediness, fear of abandonment, and constant worry. Take an avoidant person, and their version might be independence, calm, freedom, and occasional longing. Both use the word love, but they’re talking about completely different emotional experiences.

And that’s dangerous.

The Dangerous Illusion of Love

Labeling feelings as “love” allows us to justify bad behavior — both from others and ourselves.

We think, “If I love them, I must be doing the right thing,” even when we’re yelling, manipulating, or neglecting them. We think, “If they love me, I should forgive them,” even when they’re cheating, lying, or controlling.

But behavior doesn’t lie. Feelings do. We can “love” someone who’s long dead, someone who’s a con artist, even someone who’s an AI chatbot. You can fall in love with an illusion — that should tell you something.

So here’s the upgrade: stop thinking of love as an internal feeling, and start thinking of it as external behavior.

Love Is How You Treat Someone

For people like me — emotionally numb at times — this shift is crucial. I don’t always feel flushed with warmth or longing. I can spend an entire day with someone I love and feel neutral. So how do I know I love them?

I look at how I treat them.

• Do I listen?

• Do I support them when they’re down?

• Do I make time to have fun with them?

• Do I care about what matters to them?

• Am I respectful, patient, and kind — even when I’m tired or irritated?

That’s what love looks like. Not the intensity of my emotions, but the consistency of my actions.

The Myth of “Loving” While Behaving Badly

How many parents say they “love their kids” while screaming at them daily? Hitting them? Ignoring their needs?

Saying “I love you” doesn’t grant immunity from acting like a tyrant.

And yet so many people use love as a Get Out of Jail Free card for awful behavior. “Yeah, I cheated, but I love her.” “Yeah, I hit him, but I love my son.”

No.

If you’re yelling, manipulating, cheating, gaslighting — you’re not loving. You might be feeling something you call love, but your behavior contradicts it.

Let Behavior Define Love, Not Words

If someone says they love you, ignore the words. Watch their behavior.

• Do they lie to you?

• Do they control you?

• Do they insult or belittle you?

• Do they isolate you from your friends?

• Do they cheat, ghost, or manipulate?

That’s not love. Doesn’t matter what they say. Doesn’t matter if they cry, write poetry, or get your name tattooed on their chest. Behavior is the truth.

On the other hand, some people never say “I love you” — maybe they’re blunt or awkward — but they’re there for you. They show up. They protect you. They’re honest. That’s love.

What Love Should Look Like

To love someone is to treat them consistently well.

And to be loved is to be treated consistently well — especially in hard times.

Not perfectly. Not without the occasional slip-up. But there’s a clear pattern of respectful, kind, supportive behavior. Even when it’s inconvenient. Especially then.

Here’s a helpful test:
Would you trust this person at your worst?
Would you call them at 3am if you were stranded in the rain?
Would they show up?

If not, maybe they don’t love you. Even if they say the words. Even if you feel something intense when you’re around them.

Parents, Listen Up

You say you love your kids. Great. But do you actually treat them lovingly?

• Do you listen without interrupting?

• Do you respect their preferences?

• Do you try to understand their world?

• Do you apologize when you mess up?

Or do you just call it “love” while doing whatever you want?

If you’re constantly yelling, controlling, and ignoring their emotional needs — you might be using “love” as a shield for bad parenting. That needs to stop.

Let Love Be Measurable

Love can’t just be a vibe. It has to be a standard.

• When you’re not sure if you love someone, ask yourself: Do I treat them with care and consistency?

• When you’re not sure if someone loves you, ask: Do they support me, respect me, and show up — even when it’s hard?

That’s what love is. That’s the measure.

Let’s stop being hypnotized by declarations of love. They mean nothing without follow-through.

Let behavior be the judge.

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Looking forward to speaking with you,
Dan Munro

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