As you’ve no doubt already heard from numerous philosophies: confidence depends largely on focusing on what you can control, and accepting what you can’t.
While this advice makes immediate sense to most people, very few seem able to put it into practice, and spend a large amount of their time frustrated, disappointed, worried and hopeless – the emotions that warn us that we’re focusing on something we can’t control.
There is a riddle in the series Game of Thrones (and the corresponding books A Song of Ice and Fire) that demonstrates this issue:
A sellsword (soldier for hire) stands in front of a king, a priest, and a merchant. Each orders him to murder the other two. Whom does he obey?
He has no influence, no favour with the gods, no wealth. How does he decide who his master is?
The answer, of course, is it depends on the sellsword. He obeys who he thinks has the power over him. The three men do not have any objective power – their power derives from his obedience.
The “locus of control” is the point where we think the power is. When that point is focused on something we can’t do much or anything about, we feel powerless, i.e. frustrated, hopeful, disappointed, worried etc. When the locus of control is focused on something we can do a LOT about, we feel powerful, peaceful, and sure of ourselves.
Here’s the crazy part: we CHOOSE where we place the locus of control!
There is no objective power over us. It all depends on our frame, our perspective; our belief where the locus of control is. Even fundamental laws of physics only bother us if we try to fight against them. Notice how gravity doesn’t ruin your day because you’ve learned to work with it, and yet if you yearned to fly like a bird you’d be enraged all day long.
Sure, there are forces that can move us regardless of our resistance. But that will only bother us if we tell ourselves that’s where the power is.
Think of Gandhi’s passive resistance: yes the authority figures can drag him away and lock him up, but they can’t force him to be cooperative (they can’t even force him to fight back). His locus of control was on his own reaction, not on the behaviour of others. They could throw his body around, but they couldn’t really hurt him because he gave them no power.
When you’re mad because someone cut you off in traffic, you’ve placed the locus of control onto the other driver (or maybe onto the traffic in general). You’re now raging because there’s very little you can do about that other driver. You can’t make them become a good driver. You can’t go back in time and stop them cutting you off. You’re focused on something that only causes you pain. You’ve given the other driver your power.
If instead, you focused on driving well yourself, being courteous to other drivers, and letting go of the fantasy that other people will be good drivers, then you take the power back. This is all under your control. As Marcus Aurelius said, “The best revenge is to not be like that”.
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I first figured this out when I started coaching, and I had a lot of no-show appointments. I used to get anxious about whether they’d show up, and then angry and disappointed that they’d wasted my time. Then one day I had an epiphany: I never had enough time for writing. I could use the no-show hours to write. So then I made a new rule: if they didn’t show in 10 mins, I cancelled the call and wrote a post instead. Now I actually almost looked forward to them not showing up!
If someone owes you money and refuses to pay you back, you could place the locus of control on them and try to force or beg them to pay. They now own you. Or you can put the focus onto yourself, and react in a way that makes you feel at peace with them never paying you back, e.g. forgive the debt and cut them out of your life for good. And as a preventative measure, never lend money you can’t stand to lose!
If your child is always throwing a tantrum about getting dressed for school, you could ask them over and over, and make threats, and punish them, and scream at them… all of these behaviours show you have placed the locus of control on them, and you’re trying to influence their decisions. Alternatively, you can simply withdraw privileges and find a way to work around them not getting dressed. For example, they don’t get to play with toys until they’re dressed, or you actually send them to school in their pyjamas and let them explain that to the teacher.
If someone bullies you at work and your manager refuses to address it, start looking for another job. If someone is not listening to you, find someone else to talk to. If you’re still waiting to hear back on that offer you made, make another offer to someone else. If the gym is unexpectedly closed, do some burpies. If you’re scared you’ll get kicked off Facebook, ask yourself how to stay in touch socially without needing social media.
Taking responsibility doesn’t mean victim-blaming. It means waking up to the truth that no one can really harm you without you first giving them power. You must want something from them for them to do you harm. If you place the locus of power in your own hands at any given time, you can withstand even brutal torture.
Even if they do harm you, your recovery is up to you, not them. You can’t sit around hoping for reparations or praying that the world becomes a better place. Not. Going. To Happen. But you can choose to move on and do what you can with what you have.
Life is unfair and unpredictable. Shit will go wrong, and always at the worst time. If you are sitting around hoping this won’t happen, and hoping people will be decent, reasonable and helpful, you’re in for a bad time.
But, if you learn how to react to life’s unfairness in a powerful way, making the most of every situation and never leaving your confidence and success in someone else’s hands, then you’ll start to see that “unfairness” is just an idea. People who are responsible don’t worry about it. They make their own luck.
Create back up plans and contingencies for situations that require other peoples’ involvement. Practice meditation to strengthen your ability to return your focus towards your own behaviour. Remind yourself that life is tough and difficult, and prime yourself to adapt to the unexpected as quickly as possible.
Sometimes you just lose. Sometimes people will fuck you over. Sometimes you’ll be struck by bad luck. If you simply ask yourself, “What’s the best next move I can make, that’s under my control, without needing to change anything about the external situation?” then you’ll shift your perspective to look for the power you have, rather than focusing on things you have no power over.
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