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Lie Detection: Know When Someone is Only Pretending to Respect You

This is an excerpt from my new course: Healthy Boundaries in Relationships, Friendships and Work

Dan Munro emphasizes the importance of analyzing behavior over time to determine trustworthiness, rather than relying solely on words. He cautions against being manipulated by excuses, promises, and faked emotions, and stresses the importance of assuming that people can successfully lie to you. Munro shares personal experiences and insights gained from working with criminal offenders, and developing a system of lie detection that worked with even the most manipulative psychopaths and narcissists alive.

 


 

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Full transcript (unedited)

You’re about to watch a video. That’s an excerpt of one of my online courses free sample, if you will. If you enjoy it, please get in touch dan@brojo.org Let me know what you think. Now let’s talk about a really difficult topic, lie detection. And in the context of this course, how to know when someone’s just pretending to respect you, when they’re actually intending to continue disrespecting you. Now, learning lie detection techniques is actually really difficult. You need to become an FBI interrogator or a long term police officer or psychiatrists to get really good at reading like micro body language and noticing tonal differences and all the really subtle signs that a good liar gives away. But you don’t actually need to be they’re good at this. Now, I used to work with Master criminals, I used to work with psychopathic personalities who were absolutely genius, liars, they were so subtle and brilliant. And when they got you locked in a room face to face, they could pull and push you in these ways that were invisible to anybody unless you’re watching detached from the outside. But what I learned is, no matter how much they lie, the actions always tell the truth. Someone can tell me that they got a new job. But I can actually go and check whether or not they got a job, I don’t need their words, somebody can tell me that they’re never going to steal again. Or I can send the police over to the house to read their bedroom to see if there’s any stolen goods. I don’t need to rely on people’s words, and neither do you. More importantly, there’s a statistical fact psychologically speaking, that held me in good stead when it came to working with criminal offenders. And that is this, the greatest predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So there’s a very simple measurement technique that you can bring to people when it’s this, have they shown that they’ve made a significant change in a way that cannot be denied? It’s evidence based? And if the answer is no, then the best way to figure out how they’re going to behave in the future is to look at how they’ve behaved in the past, because they haven’t changed. You don’t even need to try and categorize people into trustworthy and untrustworthy. Just make it a blanket approach that you will always measure someone’s behavior until the evidence of their measured behavior convinces you enough to trust them. The sounds very easy, you might even think you’re already doing it. But most people are nowhere near doing this. It is so easy to be manipulated, promises, fake demotions, superficial short term gestures, excuses that seem really reasonable, irrelevant. All of these things throw us off. And make us overlook the fact that behavior has not changed or their bad behavior is being repeated. It can always be justified and talked out, and then somebody who generally behaves poorly towards others is good at talking their way out of it. They’re good at getting out of trouble. And you’ve got to be humble and assume that you can be manipulated assume that people can successfully lie to you. And by successfully I mean, not only do you believe them, but you are actually emotionally moved into having a picture of them as a better person than they actually are. If you can bring their humility to all of your connections with people, whether it’s close relationships, or distant workmates, or anything, and just assume, look, I can’t trust my own judgment, when it comes to people’s words when it comes to what they say they are. So instead, like a scientist, I need to go and measure the data, what is actually happened, what you’re really looking for more than anything else is long term patterns of behavior. That is where the truth is, what have they been like in the past? What do they repeatedly do? What are they most likely to do in most situations? Based on the evidence you’re aware of? What are they like with other people? You might think someone’s really nice to you. And then you notice they gossiping about other people with you, which means they talk about other people behind their back. What makes you think you’ll be the exception, when they’re in this type of situation in the past? How do they generally react? What you’re looking for is what is most likely to happen based on what you know, they’ve actually done and trying to extricate that from what they say they are what they promised they will do and just measure them by their actions. Think of likelihoods percentages statistics. When you look at someone’s patterns of behavior, what are they most likely to do not hoping that they’ll do the least likely thing. There’s a fallacy called the halo effect, which is we want someone to be amazing let’s say it’s somebody we got a crush on. We want them to be this ideal person. So we paint this halo around them we see all this good stuff about them and we dismiss all this bad stuff about them will allow superficial or rare gestures to convince us somebody hope opens the door for us, for example, oh, they’re such a good person. and really they’re just doing it to manipulate you, or somebody cheats on you a lot and then goes for two months without cheating on you. And you think, Oh, they’ve changed, when actually, statistically, they’re most likely to cheat on you again, you know, what did the numbers tell you? What do the numbers predict. Just because somebody doesn’t do something 100% of the time, doesn’t mean that they won’t be most likely to do it. So if someone generally steals from you, seven out of 10 times that they come to your house, then you can be reasonably assured that they’re going to steal from you again, doesn’t matter that 30% of the time they don’t, that’s not actually a relevant statistic. What matters is what do they do most of the time. So you’re looking to be very weary of patterns of deception and lying, even if it’s not directly about you, but it’s about others. Broken Promises, backstabbing and gossiping behind people’s backs, short term commitments with frequent relapses, even if it’s not directly about you, like someone keeps promising to look for a new job and they never get around to doing it that shows a pattern of false promises broken promises, somebody goes hot and cold as a pet. And like sometimes they’re really nice to you, sometimes really nasty in the overall pattern as they go nice, nasty, nice, nasty. So you know, nasty is coming again. So we’ll situational consistencies like they’re pretty much always awful when they drink or they tend to like build up a certain stress pattern and then explode. If you see these longer term patterns, the best thing you can do is assume it’s going to happen again, the only time you assume it’s not going to happen again, there’s no one there make promises. But when they show a significant long term behavioral change, undeniable evidence that they’ve really transformed. I don’t mean something where they behave well for a couple of weeks or even a couple of months. Right, we’re thinking long term, six to 12 months, at least, just to get out of the probationary period. So they stick with something they make reparations, that massive self sacrifice that they wouldn’t normally do. They treat people well, for a much longer period than usual. They’re consistently presenting in a different way. And they’ve kept it up for so long with no real signs that this might be faced no cracks in the veneer. So in your mind, if you’re trying to deal with someone long term and you think, you know, they’re on probation, let’s see if they are actually respecting me now. You want to set hard measurements? How would I know for sure, regardless of what they say that they have actually changed? What’s a clear win? What’s a clear fail? What assign a measure that cannot be faked? Something that even if they are playing me, this would never lie. Right? And what does long term mean? How long do I need to measure this before? I can say yes, this has changed. And then no matter what they say, this is what you measure, no matter what excuses what promises, what special situations have come up and exceptional circumstances that need to be excused. They’re stuck now. They are the one or they failed. According to those hard measurements and empirical data. sensually what you’re learning to do is trust facts over feelings, and trust behavior over words.

 


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Thanks for reading

Hope to speak to you soon

Dan Munro

 

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