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IT Programmers and Socializing: How to Improve Communication Skills

TLDR:

At the end of this post is a collection of my best practical resources for improving your communication skills, so you can just skip to that. But I recommend you read the rest of this article if you can find the time, because understanding what your issues are and why they happen will give you great insight into how to improve, and will also help you realize that you’re not weird or unique for having these problems.


What are the common social issues for IT professionals?

Many of my coaching clients are programmers and engineers in IT. They’re usually great at their jobs, with sharp analytical minds and strong endurance for the challenge of coding and IT architecture, but they struggle with communicating clearly, asserting themselves, making new friends, dating successfully, and maintaining healthy relationships.

A lot of IT programmers find things like small talk, standing up for themselves, expressing emotions, showing romantic interest, and developing deep connections to be hard work and complicated, and fraught with failure, rejection and awkwardness.

Some of the most common specific issues my clients have reported are:

Struggling to be understood. From trying to stand up for yourself to expressing how you feel, it might seem like people don’t interpret what you’re saying accurately, or you find it hard to put it into words that make sense even to yourself, leading people to misunderstand you or outright ignore you.

Don’t get respect from bullying authority figures. IT is a cutthroat competitive industry and too many talented engineers and programmers simply don’t move up as far or as fast as they should. One of the main reasons for this is because being respected as a person is a large part of career development, and if you are constantly ignored and disrespected by the higher-ups, you’ll find it difficult to progress.

Get tongue-tied and awkward when talking to an attractive woman. Sexual and romantic relationships are where my IT clients struggle the most. Some have no or very little experience, and others seem to find women – especially attractive ones – intimidating and complicated. Few have the balls to approach and start a successful conversation with someone they like.

Overthink and overanalyze what people say, looking for negative possibilities. Engineering type people are of course going to analyze the cause and effect connections for everything, including people. My IT clients often misinterpret normal or neutral things as threats that people dislike them or are upset when everything is actually fine. Conversely, they also miss cues that people are a genuine threat to them, and end up being manipulated and abused.

Try to use logic and rational discussion to build connections. Relationships are built on emotional connection, but when you spend your whole day fine-tuning a long piece of code, you can get a bit stuck in left-brain thinking. IT guys tend to keep conversations super rational and avoid talking about their feelings or intangible things like fantasies and fears. This prevents deeper connections from forming.

Socially isolated, unmotivated, or feel like an “alien”. IT is a safe-haven for the socially unlucky and unskilled, so is naturally an attractive field for guys who are talented with code or hardware and find social connection difficult. You can lose yourself for hours or days without taking a break in coding, which slowly eats up all your time so there’s none left for socializing.

There are many more issues, like having emotional tantrums over little inconveniences, but the list above seem to be the most common.

Why do IT programmers and engineers have these issues?

There are a few common causes for these issues that are specific to the IT field.

Autism and Aspergers Syndrome. Engineering is attractive to certain types of intelligence, and there is an overrepresentation of people on the autistic spectrum in IT, especially those higher-functioning types with Aspergers. While this “disorder” is actually a plus for programming and such, it usually comes with social disadvantages. The good news is you can learn what you weren’t born with! I’ve transformed many autistic clients from socially inept to social leaders.

Nice Guy Syndrome. This is my specialty. Because Nice Guy Syndrome (read more about it here) causes a lot of pain, loneliness and rejection socially, an engineering-minded person will be more attracted to antisocial jobs and industries. Add to that the fact it’s easy to both impress people with your skills and help people by solving problems when you work in IT, it’s an incredibly attractive field for Nice Guys and people pleasers.

Severe introversion (shyness). I see an overrepresentation of introverts in the IT field, which makes sense (it’s socially isolated without much talking). A socially isolated introvert eventually becomes a shy person, if they aren’t already. Now being shy is not the same thing as being introverted – there are bold and socially skilled introverts – but if you don’t get practice, you’ll naturally withdraw, and then you really don’t get any practice.

Surrounded by similar people. If you aren’t naturally social or good at communicating, it’s best to surround yourself with people who are, so that you can learn and model their skills. If all your workmates are also autistic Nice Guys who have become shy and struggle to communicate, you’re going to be influenced by them and therefore unlikely to improve unless you proactively work on this.

What social skill tips and hacks can help you improve today?

So let’s get practical on how you can start making some gains.

Below are a collection of communication and mindset videos from my collection that have helped people the most. Scroll through to see which of them applies to you best.

Or scroll right to the bottom of this post to see how working directly with me can massively accelerate your progress, and give you the kind of social life and self confidence you once thought was impossible.

If you think you might be on the autistic spectrum, or for some other reason find that you’re really honest but it isn’t received well, this video will help you figure out better ways to express yourself truthfully:


And this one can help you be honest without hurting people’s feelings and causing a fuss:


Hate small talk? Me too! Luckily, you don’t need to do it to socialize successfully with others, even if everyone around you seems to do it. Try this instead:


Face and overcome your fear of rejection by resetting your mind around the beliefs you have about other people’s judgments:


Avoid making this critical mistake if you want to stand up for yourself successfully without getting too emotional or doing damage to you career, social circle and reputation:


Inexperienced or new to dating and building connections? Start at the beginning (it’s worth slowing down to speed up later) and get your foundations right:


When you stop overthinking your natural social abilities will blossom and you’ll find that it’s not as hard is it appears once the anxiety goes away:


Want to expand your dating and friendship life but don’t want to be dishonest or manipulative? I got you covered right here:


These 5 principles are the key to speaking with confidence, charisma and shamelessness in a way that protects your integrity while also impressing others and demanding respect:


If you want to get better at dealing with resistant or difficult people (like a rude boss) without causing too many problems for yourself, try these coaching techniques:


If you’re a Nice Guy who wants to get more respect and start being more honest but you’re not sure what the best thing to focus on is, check this out:


If being a Nice Guy doesn’t seem to work out for you when it comes to dating, this video will help you understand why:


If you struggle with escalating connections physically and romantically when dating or even in a long term relationship, this video might help;


Want to make new friends without feeling social anxiety or having to stick with people you don’t even like? It’s easier than you think!


If you get confused during dating scenarios and make mistakes in the dating process, this might enlighten you:


If hidden resentments and self-sacrifice sabotage your relationships and you find it difficult to speak about what you want directly, you need to see this one:


IT guys tend to ask too many questions when they get anxious with a new person. Instead of asking questions yourself, try turning them into sharing statements. This video will give you more on how to do that:


My course on Powerful Honesty will dive in deep with intensive practical exercises and mindset restructuring. If you email me dan@brojo.org I’ll give you free access!

How you can make massive progress in just a few months!

You can do all this on your own.

Through trial and error, books, courses and online content, you can figure it out slowly piece by piece over time if you dedicate yourself to it and are willing to fail often and get uncomfortable in order to achieve social mastery and build strong self confidence.

Or…

You can work directly with me in your corner for a short period of time and achieve the same results in months that would take you YEARS on your own (or your money back!).

That’s what my confidence coaching is really all about. I accelerate your progress significantly by ensuring you:

  • Overcome your fear of rejection
  • Stop seeing yourself as not good enough
  • Develop easy practical social communication skills while still being honest
  • Unleash your masculinity to make you more assertive and attractive
  • Increase your self-confidence and self-respect
  • Get advanced practical tips to eliminate self-sabotage and give you the best possible chances at career advancement, dating opportunities, and deep connections with quality friends
  • Help you see your blind spots and errors and develop a measurement system that you can use on your own to ensure ongoing improvement for life

It took me about 7-10 years to figure this stuff out on my own. It takes my average coaching client only about 3-6 months to achieve a level of mastery that leaves them able to continue coaching themselves to further success while feeling absolutely certain that they’re on the right path (proven by the results they get).

I’ve turned virgins into fathers.

I’ve created assertive leaders out of meek people pleasers.

I’ve released overthinkers so they become powerfully decisive.

I’ve transformed shy introverts into social connectors.

I’ve moved highly anxious and depressed guys into a world of permanent self-confidence and optimism.

You don’t need to take my word for it. You can test it out for yourself. Fill out the application form below for a FREE trial coaching session with no obligation to continue, and no sales pitch!

My coaching will either blow you away and convince you that it’s worth it, or you’ll simply spend an hour talking to me without losing anything.

>> Click here to apply for a complimentary trial coaching session

Thanks for reading

Hope to speak to you soon

Dan Munro

 

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