Integrity doesn’t work

Daily Dose of Integrity

A lot of nice guys that I talk to who are attempting to recover will try the methodology of integrity that I’m often promoting. But then they’ll come back and say something like, “I did it, but it didn’t work.”

I always ask, “What do you mean by work?”

The answer is inevitably something about getting the pleasurable reaction or result they prefer, or ending up in a certain safe emotional state.

This dilemma comes up especially with confrontations. They’ll say, “I stood up for myself and spoke my mind, but they are still mad at me. What did I do wrong?”

If you’re a nice guy or people pleaser then your innate secret motive is to control everyone and everything, to create a smooth and problem-free life that guarantees eternal emotional peace and comfort.

When nice guys get onto the idea of living with more integrity, they’re excited about it but they don’t realize they still have that desire to control everything and keep the peace. And so when they go to live with integrity, they’re all good with it until it creates chaos.

Sometimes living with integrity does create chaos. It is “working”, so long as long term confidence and quality of life is the goal, rather than short-term gratification and easy emotional peace.

Integrity creates the right kind of chaos. You’re wrecking what needs to be wrecked. Integrity will end bad relationships, cause people to become uncomfortable with the truth, terminate jobs and even careers that aren’t right for you, and so on.

Especially in the transition phase, where you’re

You have to let go of the idea that integrity gets the kind of results that a nice guy wants. It doesn’t “work” like that. It’s not just yet another strategy to make everything smooth.

Integrity creates a life that is aligned with your core values; a life that is right for you. But that life will not be easy. It must be earned. And there will always be difficulties waiting for you.

There’s no such thing as a smooth problem-free life. Let. It. Go.

For more on this topic, check out my video “The Connection Between Honesty, Integrity and Self-Confidence”:

2 Responses

  1. Before attempting actions of integrity, get in touch with your WHY – remind yourself that confidence is the goal, not short-term gratification

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