“It’s just not working!”

If you feel like you’ve been “into self development” for a long time but you’re frustrated with the lack of change (or how long it’s taking to improve), this is for you. 

I’m going to help you figure out why all that content you’ve been consuming – videos, podcasts, articles, courses, programs – is NOT translating into a new life.

Awareness Vs Courage

As my clients will tell you, I’m fond of splitting all of life’s problems into 2 categories:

Awareness – you don’t know what the problem is (or why you’re struggling).

Courage – you know what you should be doing differently but you can’t get yourself to do it.

There is no problem that does not fall into one or both of these categories. There is no issue that’s “outside” yourself. Even the pain of bad things happening to you is mostly about your perspective and your reaction to them.

If you’re engaging in all kinds of experimental and brave behaviour, but can’t seem to make considerable progress, then you have an Awareness problem. This is incredibly rare. And yet, most people think Awareness is the problem. Most people keep searching for “how to…” content, hoping to read or hear or see something that suddenly “clicks” and somehow brings about magical changes to the results they’re sick of repeating. In other words, they think they lack information.

So they get stuck in what I call “information overwhelm”. They binge on content; sometimes paying good money for courses, workshops, and even live training events. They keep searching for that missing piece: that one byte of data that will turn everything around.

The more information they consume, the harder it is to put into action. They are overwhelmed with different ideas, methodologies, systems and tactics. Much of the information contradicts and argues with other information, creating a freeze where the person can’t act without doing something “wrong”.

On top of that, they feel like they’re “doing” a lot – they feel like they are “trying” something. Years start ticking by without measurable progress. So they start to doubt their own abilities. Some resources and gurus even tell them directly that the system should work, so if it’s not working for them then there’s something wrong with them. They eventually come to believe that they are an exceptionally incompetent person who just can’t make anything work.

Which is such a shame, because they’re simply trapped in an approach to self-development that doesn’t work for anyone.

The REAL Problem

They don’t have an Awareness issue – they don’t lack information. 

What they have is a Courage issue – they are being manipulated by their fear into thinking they don’t know “enough” to take the next decisive, bold, and – most importantly – different action.

Let me put it out there right now: after doing coaching work for 12 years, and rehabilitating criminals and managing staff performance for 7 years before that, I can confidently make this claim:

You don’t need more information!

Whoever you are, doesn’t make a difference. I don’t need to know more about you. Almost no one needs more information!

There are very few people out there who have legitimately tried every idea they can think of – and by “tried” I mean engaged in long-term changes of behaviour – and now cannot make a single inch of progress without further information.

If you’ve never driven a car before, you need more information before your first drive. If you’ve never learned a thing about nutrition, a session with a nutritionist is a good idea. If you’ve never started a business before, some getting-started tips from an expert are worth reviewing.

But most of you – especially my Nice Guy audience members – already have more than enough information to make your next move. And not just enough to get started – you probably know enough for at least 3 months’ worth of experimentation and behaviour change before you’ll need more information.

So if this is true, the real question isn’t “How do I take the next step?”, it’s this:

“Why am I not already doing it?”

Still doubt that you have enough information? Still feel certain you need another video, or course, or session with ChatGPT before you can make a move? Answer this question:

“If you took a magic pill that removed all the fear you have – about getting it wrong, getting in trouble, failing, being judged or rejected etc., – could you at least guess which tiny experimental action you could take today based on what you already know?”

My coaching experience tells me Yes – you can think of at least one thing you could try that you haven’t yet. Without any further input, you could give it a go and see what happens.

Here’s the ironic twist: you’ll now being thinking, “Yes, but first I need more information on how to get over the fear and other barriers that stop me from taking that action”.

This is a trap. Your fear is disguising itself as rationality, making a “sensible” argument that lack of courage is a lack of information; that you “don’t know how to overcome the fear”, therefore you need another video, course etc.

The only barrier to taking action is the story that you’re not ready. This story about how you need more information is a lie that stops you from moving. You don’t need more.

Put it this way: if I put a gun to your loved one’s head and said, “Take that action or I blow them away,” I think you’d do it. And yet I haven’t given you more information! I haven’t given you a step by step guide to taking your next step. I just unlocked a greater fear that overrode the first one.

This thought experiment proves that you don’t lack information. You don’t need to “know how to do it right”. In fact, it’s the opposite: you need permission from yourself to do it even though you feel certain it won’t go “well”.

Permission to Fuck It Up

The life you want is on the other side of mastering this realization: you only need permission to get it WRONG.

Whatever getting it “wrong” means to you: not getting a good reaction; failing to achieve to a certain standard; embarrassing yourself; feeling confused and shaky and anxious; being mocked and dominated; getting physically uncomfortable; losing to the competition. Whatever “wrong” means, you only need to be allowed to experience it, and then all your barriers fall away like magic.

Want to improve your social skills? Tell yourself it’s ok to get rejected. It’s ok to upset people. It’s ok to be thought of as a bad person. It’s ok to have to hire a dating coach to work through social exercises.

What to start your own business? Then make it acceptable to lose money. Make it fine for your first sales calls to be awkward and forced. Make it forgiveable to figure out in 6 months’ time that you chose a bad idea and need to start over.

Want to succeed in health? You must be allowed to look silly at the gym. You must be allowed to be confused by all the competing nutrition theories. You must be allowed to waste money on supplements that don’t work.

Take a moment to challenge the resistance you have to getting it wrong.

What’s Worse: Failing, Or Waiting to Get It “Right”?

When you’re forced to wait and absorb information until you know for certain that you will do it “right”, what actually happens? That’s right: you end up doing…

NOTHING.

How is that not the biggest fail?

What’s worse: 

• Getting rejected by 100 people before someone says Yes, or getting rejected by no one because you never even gave it a go?
• Failing to achieve a full pull-up in the gym on your first try, or allowing your body to collapse into muscular atrophy because you never exercise?
• Spending $6K on ads that don’t end up with a single sale, or staying your whole life in a job you hate because you didn’t want to risk giving your own idea a go?

These are all “failures” I’ve personally experienced. I seem to be fine!

Of COURSE you don’t have “enough” information! Enough information only happens AFTER you take a LOT of action. It doesn’t come from books and podcasts; it comes from experiments run hundreds of times with thousands of variations, until you’ve done it “wrong” all the ways it can be done wrong, and now you know what works.

You can’t even be sure your goals are a good idea until you’ve had a go at them! I thought I wanted to be a Career Coach; 50 coaching sessions later, I realised I prefer working with high achievers who struggle with Nice Guy Syndrome. There is no book in the world that could have made me realise that without me coaching people first. 

This issue is why I even became a coach. While I do help people improve their Awareness, most of my coaching is about breaking down Courage barriers. Most of my clients already know deep-down what they need to do, I just release them from the mental limitations that tell them “not yet” so they can bloody well get on with it.

The Only Information You Need

OK, let me give you a break. I’m going to give you a little bit of information, and I promise it’s the only information you need. After you’ve read what follows, you no longer need even a single second more information to make your next move and change your life.

And if you feel like checking out and not continuing, then I have bad news: YOU DON’T ACTUALLY WANT TO IMPROVE. If shifting into action is something you avoid, then your true subconscious goal is revealed: you just want to stay the same.

If that bothers you, keep reading.

There are only 2 rules you ever need follow to make amazing changes: Make it smaller, and By any means necessary. Neither require you to obtain new information.

If the action you want to take feels too hard, too scary, or the consequences are too unmanageable, then make it smaller. Your fear is tricking you with what I call the Everest Effect: it’s making something bigger than it needs to be to stop you moving, like demanding that you to climb to the very top of Everest instead of just taking one step onto the mountain.

Your 10 minute workout keeps getting postponed? Make it a 30 second workout and build up from there.

Approaching a stranger and asking her out terrifies you? Start with just making eye content for a bit longer than you usually would.

Starting a business seems “impossible”? Write 2 lines about what kind of service you would provide, and then come back to it tomorrow.

Did you make it smaller and it’s still not happening? Then make it even smaller! Go fucking microscopic if you have to. Any movement is 100X better than no movement. You can always add another 1% tomorrow. After a year you’re a whole new person. Be patient.

The other methodology is what I call “By any means necessary”. 

A trick your fear will play is it will create a big list of bullshit conditions that you must qualify for before you’re allowed to move. These conditions inevitably mean that you don’t have everything you “need” yet, and so you must wait.

It will say that you must have X amount of money before you can start a business. It will say that if you approach a girl but your friend is supporting you then it doesn’t “count”. It will say that you can’t start working out until you can find time for a full 3 hour workout at the gym.

By any means necessary is the viewpoint that there is nothing further needed. You will make use of whatever you have available, and there are no rules or limitations to getting the job done. Beg, borrow and steal if you have to. All ego and perfectionism bullshit is put aside. You commit to doing anything for even a tiny grain of progress.

Bootstrap your business, or get a loan from your parents. Have a buddy help you approach strangers at first, if you’re too shy to do it alone. Do pushups on the bathroom floor at your office if there’s no time for the gym. These are all examples from my own life.

If you COMMIT to always making the action small enough to do without being too uncomfortable, and you remove all made-up rules about needing somehing you don’t already have (and you’re allowed to get creative and resourceful with what’s available to you), then you really have no excuses left.

If, after all this, you still don’t take action… then you probably don’t actually want to succeed. You’d rather make promises to yourself and indulge in information-bingeing, and just identify as a self-development enthusiast without actually getting your hands dirty. Which is fine! Just be honest about it with yourself. You don’t have to pretend.

Get in touch if you want more support dan@brojo.org